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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel judged and to ask for a bit of compassion

97 replies

Dollymixtureyumyum · 25/03/2016 06:43

I piss a lot of people off
I have epilespy so I am one of those annoying adults that does not drive that apparently must be annoying people by begging for a lift. (Never do this by the way but a lot of my friends offer knowing my situation)
I have dyslexia and quite often get jumped on by the grammar and spelling police both on here and in real life.
I have discalcylar so get my numbers mixed up easily and it might take me more then 30 seconds to find my seat on a train or plane.
I use the disabled toilet if there is a queue as I know if I have an absence while needing the toilet I will wet myself. Get tuts for this all the time and have even been challenged a few times.
And the cardinal sin- I once refused to fold a pram down on a bus when DS was a baby, I can have little absences out of the blue due to epilepsy they only last a few seconds but I would have dropped DS if he was on my knee on a moving bus. (It was not a wheelchair user though it was another mum with a pram who wanted to get on)
For all these things I have got tuts and rolled eyes from people who don't understand my situation. I have even been called names.
Can I just please remain people that life is not always black and white and to have a bit of compassion. People struggle with everyday things though no fault of there own and the judgement just makes things ten times worse.

OP posts:

kali110 · 26/03/2016 01:56

CombineBananaFister people take no notice\don't care even if you have a card!
I have fibmiolygia, migraines to name a few so i use the disabled loos as they're lower to the ground and will sit in any free seat. Lately however i've waited for other buses if only priority seating has been left, because people can be so rude.

face colleagues and my boss always took the piss out of me for my pain

miracle oh you would let me use the loo would you? How would you know? I don't have a 'i have disability' stamped on my head
I also happen to look young and very Healthy!

SecretWitch · 26/03/2016 02:45

I have epilepsy, very well controlled but the medication makes me drop words both in writing and speaking. My mind thinks I have written or spoken the correct word when I have not. I am afraid sometimes that my posts will be picked apart because of my writing.

GarlicShake · 26/03/2016 03:02

"in the kindest way possible, don't live your life thinking something might happen!"

Could I kindly ask people to think twice before gushing "life is for living", "think positive" type stuff at those of us who're all too bloody aware it only applies while you're healthy?

Like most other people with disabilities, I have to live my life on a pre-emptive basis - that is, we need to think about what might happen so we can minimise the damage. For OP, it means not perching a baby on her knee in a moving vehicle when she can't guarantee she'll stay conscious. For me it means not doing something nice if it might leave me with no control of my body for days after. For most of us, it means not driving because we'd be a fucking lethal liability.

I'm currently getting a scad of stuff on my FB feed about the dangers of sitting down too much. It's tested my Zen abilities to the max. I bloody KNOW it's bad for you! But when standing makes you fall - well, you sit.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/03/2016 05:55

Lol oh well it mixes it up a little needsa

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/03/2016 05:57

Hazey I would have been so tempted to say "sorry DS the rude insensitive ladies are insisting you get off", although that would have been stooping to your level.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/03/2016 06:04

Op sorry you experience this a lot. It's hard.

Some people just don't think.

I made a lady cry because she felt so bad once..I wasn't rude to her, but she came to sit at table beside me being all outraged about the behaviour of a child who was kicking off in the queue for disabled toilet and saying "her daddy was having to hold her up and she wasn't even that young". I pointed out DD had autism and was really distressed because the trampoline there had been taken away and also found it hard to queue.

Poor woman really felt awful and had tears in eyes. I ended up feeling bad because I hadn't been that upset by it (rhino hide)

She was obviously a kind lady who didn't think. I think the people you encounter are probably not very aware or not thinking and think they are doing a favour to people with disabilities. They should butt out though. But maybe that will help you to brush it off. Or know that if you explain people will not do it a second time plus feel quite mortified (unlike non folding mothers on buses who don't have disabilities but that's another story )

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/03/2016 06:09

My buggy doesn't even fold and I assumed most didn't now

Bucking I assume you get off bus if someone with wheelchair gets on then? And all the others with the non folding buggies?

Sadly probably not all do.

And it is an important thing which affects people's lives and not just "something people like to argue about on MN instead of dealing with real life". It maybe doesn't affect your life but people who deal with disability do have to deal with issues and it's insulting to call them the "upper sixth" if they argue for them on MN.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/03/2016 06:10

Garlic.I hear you..I keep seeing FB stories that lack of sleep will do all sorts to me..DD didn't get the meme!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/03/2016 06:14

Ps OP of COURSE i didn't include you in the non folding buggy thing. I also couldnt fold DDS buggy when she was small due to health issues
Noone on MN who deals with disability would criticise you for not folding. It's the yummy mummies who claim having a baby is a disability and should take priority over wheelchairs who are the target of ire.

Like the disabled.toilet issue.

In short don't let MN bunfights make you feel bad, if you are entitled to use facilities.sorry that people having to fight for their and others rights with thoughtless people make you also feel criticised

OK I will be quiet now. .sorry I have a lot to say on this matter

Lighteningirll · 26/03/2016 06:38

Mn can be very harsh but I try to remember that the spoken word with vocal inflection tions, gestures and facial gestures makes the same words very different. Many posters are just e expressing views that are actually much softer and more fluid and often we read things as harsher than they were meant.
Before mn I would have popped in a disabled loo without thinking about it, now I never would, I am glad we have this range of opinions and somewhere to express them, even the ones I don't like or agree with.

miraclebabyplease · 26/03/2016 07:38

Kalli110 - neither do I, mine is also hidden, which is why I am mindful to ask if someone needs it first. I think you are seeing what you want to see written down. I asked a question, out if curiosity, as this is a discussion board. I did also explain my stance on it and the fact that I only use these toilets when my disability is affecting my life more than normal or if the baby change is in there.

hazeyjane · 26/03/2016 07:52

Ollie not offended at all, and sometimes I will explain that ds can't use the other swings, but feel less inclined when people are stood staring and making passive aggressive comments! It is daft - you would think a nearly 6 year old with ear defenders, splints and a sn buggy might give a clue!

Buckled buggies on the bus might seem theoretical in the mn universe, but having had a row with a woman who refused to take her child out of the buggy, so I could help her fold it, and get ds's sn buggy (doesn't fold due to postural supports) on the bus, it is a reality for us. Fortunately on that occasion the bus driver backed us up, but previously he has just had to miss a hospital appointment.

JapaneseSlipper · 26/03/2016 07:53

Thank you for this post OP. Very well written and a great reminder.

Sirzy · 26/03/2016 07:59

I have been told to move Ds SN buggy out of the wheelchair space on a train by a mum with a baby in a pram. I very polity refused and ignored her complaints that Ds was big enough to stand. Thankfully the guard soon explained to her that I was in the right.

Eustace2016 · 26/03/2016 08:06

Yes, always be nice to people. My sons who are learning to drive at present have a thing about people who cut people up in a road near our house who pretend to be turning right and then rush into our lane. I was just saying the other night when we were there you never know if those people ar ushing to a hospital because their child is dying (mind you to be honest they are probably just rude bad drivers but my comment to the teenagers was a valid one).

Be kind. Treat others as you would be treated. At Easter it is a good time for all of us to remember that. If someone is nasty to you be nice back.

"The Paradoxical Commandments

by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway."

hazeyjane · 26/03/2016 08:14

Do No Harm
Take No Shit.

BarbarianMum · 26/03/2016 08:27

hazeyjane our local playground has two swings suitable for children with physical disabilities. They are very popular with able bodied children, so much so that I had to stick my nose in intervene when some lovely mummies suggested the little girl with cp had to take turns with everyone else.

I don't know aboyt 'Do No Harm' I reckon some people need shooting.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/03/2016 09:01

I love "do no harm, take no shit"!

MrsBobDylan · 26/03/2016 09:43

Eustace I've not read that one before, it's marvellous.So hard to achieve but marvellous.

OP, I'm sorry you experience this kind of treatment. People can be thoughtlessly cruel. I find I can cope better when I put my flint face on and pretend I can't hear the tuts/comments. Then someone will say something and it'll bypass my defences and I'll end up loosing it at them and then feel like they've won because they made me respond to what is essentially their problem.

Alasalas2 · 26/03/2016 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EveryoneElsie · 26/03/2016 11:26

Laughing at all the judgy posts here.

Well said Dollymixtureyumyum. Some of us say 'there but for the grace of god go I' and others take the piss.

GarlicShake · 27/03/2016 00:00

Eustace. I've saved it!

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