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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel judged and to ask for a bit of compassion

97 replies

Dollymixtureyumyum · 25/03/2016 06:43

I piss a lot of people off
I have epilespy so I am one of those annoying adults that does not drive that apparently must be annoying people by begging for a lift. (Never do this by the way but a lot of my friends offer knowing my situation)
I have dyslexia and quite often get jumped on by the grammar and spelling police both on here and in real life.
I have discalcylar so get my numbers mixed up easily and it might take me more then 30 seconds to find my seat on a train or plane.
I use the disabled toilet if there is a queue as I know if I have an absence while needing the toilet I will wet myself. Get tuts for this all the time and have even been challenged a few times.
And the cardinal sin- I once refused to fold a pram down on a bus when DS was a baby, I can have little absences out of the blue due to epilepsy they only last a few seconds but I would have dropped DS if he was on my knee on a moving bus. (It was not a wheelchair user though it was another mum with a pram who wanted to get on)
For all these things I have got tuts and rolled eyes from people who don't understand my situation. I have even been called names.
Can I just please remain people that life is not always black and white and to have a bit of compassion. People struggle with everyday things though no fault of there own and the judgement just makes things ten times worse.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/03/2016 17:55

See, needsa? Wink

ollieplimsoles · 25/03/2016 17:55

I stood in the park today pushing Ds on the swing, being eyeballed by several mums saying loudly to their babies, 'don't worry darling, you can have a turn when the big boy has finished' and then giving each other knowing looks as Ds exploded when I took him out of the swing.

I'm sorry but what a terribly mean thing to do to another mum. If someone's child was happily playing on a toy at the park you don't get all passive aggressive like that, I'm sure their children could play on other things! You should have let your son stay put hazeyjane

miraclebabyplease · 25/03/2016 17:59

Hazeyjane that would have made me stay put.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/03/2016 18:02

Charming attitude.

This is what people are up against.

ollieplimsoles · 25/03/2016 18:02

miracle me too...

and to then just look as he has a meltdown over it...so horrible.

miraclebabyplease · 25/03/2016 18:02

I guess it comes down to experience. Where I live is not super busy so I have never had to queue to use the disabled toilet or made anyone wait. I guess it would be different if it was busier and more chance of more disabled people wanting to use it at the same time.

Sirzy · 25/03/2016 18:06

But given that urgency issues are a reason a lot of people need to use disabled toilets then they shouldn't have to wait. Ideally there should be enough disabled toilets that people don't need to wait. That doesn't make them a free for all though.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/03/2016 18:07

Charming attitude was re hazeys post.

miraclebabyplease · 25/03/2016 18:07

Well yes, that should be the ideal.

Sirzy · 25/03/2016 18:08

But people who use it with no disabilities are the ones who make that ideal harder to achieve

BoatyMcBoat · 25/03/2016 18:10

I get tutted at too as I "look perfectly all right to me" (unforgettable quote from sFIL). I think that for those of us with invisible disabilities, we also have to understand that people don't know and that there are more selfish bastards who will do those things just because they want to, and that, short of tattooing 'disabled' on our foreheads, how can anyone tell the difference?

It is hard particularly when we've had a hard day of it, and maybe quite a few occurrences, but we too have to put ourselves in other people's shoes.

miraclebabyplease · 25/03/2016 18:17

I have been quite lucky and not had many tuts. The only one was at the train station when the cashier argued that I couldn't use my railcard. She got louder and louder until I had to explain to her and a room full of people that I have epilepsy.

hazeyjane · 25/03/2016 18:28

Thankyoufor being more understanding than the mums I met today!

To be honest we ztyed put for a while as we had just got there, but then it started to feel like a mum and baby version of The Birds, with more and more gathering!! D's would have been upset whenever I had taken him out because he would be pushed on the swing for hours given the chance. The worst thing was it was the baby swings and he is nearly 6 (I know, we probably shouldn't use them) so trying to get him out with splints and his already stiff legs getting stiffer as he got more upset was like wrestling a pony out of the bloody thing...

...I am dreaming of the large wine I will has later!

MrsBobDylan · 25/03/2016 18:49

My DS is 6 and still uses the little swings hazey. My 2 year old however prefers to dice with death and take a run at the big swings, so I just think of it as a swap!

Topseyt · 25/03/2016 18:53

I guess OP, you are referring to the recently revived zombie thread about non-driving adults being PITAs. I haven't posted on it, but read a fair bit of it and found it often very judgmental.

I do know a man who used to drive but had to stop when he began having epileptic seizures, never having had them as a child. Now in his late forties, he is forced to rely on either his elderly mother, his brother or family friends when lifts are needed. He didn't plan it that way and I can't imagine he enjoys being dependent like that.

Go about your day in the way you need to. Ignore the judgy twats. They are usually an ignorant but vocal minority.

Accessible toilets are there for those with a need to use them. I have IBS, and have used one in the odd emergency though not regularly and not for years. I did use one recently at the airport on the way home from visiting my DD abroad. I had broken my arm whilst out there, had emergency surgery on it and it was in a bloody huge temporary cast which I found made it near impossible to even turn around in the regular cubicles without aggravating the injury. Nobody commented, though I did wonder if some might have made a snap judgment because I wasn't on crutches or in a wheelchair.

Baby changing facilities around here were only available in the disabled toilets many years ago when my DDs were in nappies. I think that is changing slowly now, but on occasion it did leave me with no choice.

Sirzy · 25/03/2016 19:13

Ds is 6 and still uses the "baby swing" because his core strength doesn't let him safely sit on a normal one. He also sits in the seat in trolleys which has led to more than one tut in the past!

hazeyjane · 25/03/2016 19:18

Yes ds can't use a swing without support, he isn't very big so usually it is OK, but it was heaving in this park today and there were only 2 swings ( baby ones) - glad to know it isn't just us!

Buckinbronco · 25/03/2016 19:19

OP don't worry about MN. It's a discussion forum and people find themselves forming passionate opinions on things they couldn't care less about IRL. Everyone gets riled up and indignant, it's a bit like the mean girls at upper school.

My buggy doesn't even fold and I assumed most didn't now. Couldn't care less if you use the disabled lol disabled or not, or whether you drive or not. I have more important things to worry about

MammaTJ · 25/03/2016 20:54

Not read anything other than your OP, but you are not in the wrong in any of the situations you describe!! You need to develop a fuck off attitude thicker skin and just get on with life and ignore what strangers think of you.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 25/03/2016 20:57

Haven't RTFT but have a think about getting one of these: http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.mobile/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/BA001&Locale=en_GB

I'm T1DM so might get one myself Smile

alltouchedout · 25/03/2016 21:01

People too often forget to be kind :(

Janeymoo50 · 25/03/2016 21:07

We can all judge people without thinking, maybe you do it too (without realising). But, I certainly wouldn't judge you on using a) the disabled toilet b) your spelling or grammar etc. The buggy thing, hmmm, I might do but would soon forget it. Sometimes we might think everyone is judging us , all the time, but the reality is they probably aren't and you may be a wee bight over sensitive to it (but I do get your point really I do 😊).

ollieplimsoles · 25/03/2016 22:40

hazey and they were rude enough to comment on his size/ age too. They might as well have said ' we'll have to wait for the swing darling because the older child is on it and he shouldn't be really'.

If I was at the park and saw an older child using the 'baby swings' (I hope this doesn't offend) but I would assume there was an underlying reason for it, such as mobility issues, and I would leave them be. I had a friend who was in a wheel chair at nursery and he could only really play on the swings.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/03/2016 23:07

I know you do fanjo tbh until you pointed out that you were repeating what others said I just assumed you had been burgled and the burglars were piss arsing around on your computer Grin

Original poster
Dollymixtureyumyum · 25/03/2016 23:46

Thanks for the kind replies. I do wear a medi care bracelet and no medication has never quite done the trick for me. I am under a specialist at the moment that is going to try a different technique so fingers crossed.
Most days I can brush the tuts off but on down days it gets to me, sometimes even when I explain I still get a mouthful. It's usually older people as well I notice, not being ageist but it just seems to be old ladies that do it. Maybe the younger generation have a bit better understanding

OP posts: