To think this whole wedding, MY whole wedding, can go f it's self?

[hearthattack]

I can't be bothered. We've been together 4 years. We have a 5 month old son. I have enough shit to do with him that actually matters to be worrying about this tosh. I really can't be arsed thinking about food and decorations and music and crap.

I have an otherwise wonderful DP who is the one that wanted the wedding. Wedding planning has turned him into my no 1 pain in the ass, because he has done nadda. I would like to be married, but I'd happilly do it on a rainy Tuesday afternoon in my jeans and then get on with life. DP wants a party. But he doesn't want to spend any money. And he doesn't want it to be at all formal, or planned or weddingy. But he does want to invite 50+ of his friends and family who will be spending time and money travelling from all over the country to get here.

I feel we have a responsibility to them to throw a decent party, since we're inviting them to one. But it's all fallen to me so far and I know it will only get worse.

The invitations are sitting on the corner of the dining table, stamps attached, waiting to be sent tomorrow. We've just had a stupid row about whether we should try to plan speeches at roughly a certain time or just 'let them happen'.

Would I be being unreasonable to just chuck the invites in the pond and sack the whole thing off?! Then I could get on with being a mum/housekeeper/dishcloth and eat cake while I'm up with the baby at 4am til the cows come home.

I could have written your post - pretty much word for word, baby and all - 11 years ago.

If I could go back in time and change things, I would have postponed the wedding for a year, and I still look back at our wedding (which was, everyone said, very, very lovely - and very DIY/relatively low key/yes, we catered it ourselves) and feel a bit sad about it. The marriage is fine, but I really just needed that time to find out how to be a mum, and enjoy my baby.

While it may be possible to work yourself ragged and do all your own catering, decorating etc with a baby in tow, it certainly doesn't sound like fun. So why bother?

I'd rip up the invitations and cancel the booking.

Decide in a fee years if you want to try again with the wedding.

Don't let yourself be pushed into organising and doing all the work for a day that won't make you feel special.

I honestly think I'd go down the no gifts route but bring a plate & bottle...

Tricky due to the distance people are travelling but they could always pick something up at the local M&S or similar on the way there!

Alternatively DP does EVERYTHING and you just turn up or as suggested postpone the whole thing until you are more up to dealing with it.

(classic posting before reading the whole thread so i apologise for any xposting)

my cousin did the shoestring budget diy wedding, the key is to see how many people you can get to pitch in. We all did bits, helping set up and clearing up etc. her immediate family helped feed. For the first bit of food she literally bought a massive boil in the bag ham and then did potatoes and veggie dishes with salad and then later on when everyone had had a few or in my case several a hog roast van came and pitched up in the village hall car park.
Her brother made a massive playlist on spotify and they hooked his laptop up to the sound system and for flowers etc they actually send seeds to everyone in their invited and asked them to bring the flowers along in a nice pot :)

If people are coming from far away then it's very difficult to expect them to pitch in and help much. I've been there where people promised to help me with an event I was organising. If was very hard work for me and organising people was as much work as organising things. It's your wedding, why put yourself through it?

Offer him 3 options:

1. registry office, dinner at a restaurant followed by pub

2. larger party organised by him

3. postpone the wedding

Lots of good practical suggestions here, but why the hell should the OP be stuck catering for 50+ when she doesn't want to? The savings her DH believes he's making by having a non-weddingy DIY wedding are being paid for by her time and effort.

Even just buying ready-made food for 50+ is a lot of work: trying to work out how much people will eat, what crockery and utensils you'll need, getting it delivered and storing it, and setting it all out.

And the 'just do nothing and see what happens on the day' approach is great in theory, but in practice it would make me dread what should be a special occasion. If people are travelling, it's embarrassing and appears mean-spirited not to properly cater for them. 'Laid back' is one thing; 'couldn't be bothered' is another.

I had a similar situation with my wedding I wanted to elope; DH wanted family party and I really wish I'd stood a bit firmer. DH sort of intended to help (at least, he said he did), but he just didn't, with all the details, and it was all details. Just waving your hand and saying 'yeahyeahyeah, we'll get in some food, nothing fancy' is the easy part; sorting it out is another. And I didn't have a baby, either!

Don't cater it, you'll be too stressed with baby and yourself and decorating the hall etc to worry about that.
Have a look at m and s, waitrose or your local sandwich shop /cafe. It doesn't need to be expensive. Even subway do sandwich trays, or a fish and chip run.

The thought of catering for 15 brought me out in a cold sweat, never mind 50 and that was for a dc party!

For Dp 40th, which was held in a village hall, we asked the local pub if they'd cater. They made a big vat of veggie curry and a meat hot pot, there was rice, red cabbage and crusty bread to go along with it. They brought everything across, served and cleared up afterwards. It went down extremely well.

I think you need to outsource the catering and then make sure your Dp gets involved with the planning of everything else.

I had a very small (25 guests) wedding two weeks ago and did a lot myself. It was honestly the most disappointing, anticlimactic, stressful, upsetting day I have ever had and I would not repeat it if you paid me.

A huge amount of making sure lots of people with "special needs" got accommodated on top of a fortune in time and money on flowers which I did myself, invites and favour boxes which I did myself all left on tables, cake decorating which nobody ate, choosing readings which nobody wanted to give because they were 'shy' (she wasn't so shy when the hotel had to send her to bed at 3am), the toddler I didn't want in the ceremony who disrupted the whole thing while everybody cooed and the bridesmaid who brought her best mate for company and consequently didn't lift a finger to help out all day and the best mate's tits falling out of her top while our hard thought about playlists got ignored in favour of Kanye. Frigging. West.

DH had a fine time in the bar with his mates. I was out of my dress and in tears by 10pm. And I still have all the thank you cards to write, so it's still not over.

Go to the registrar's, have a beautiful, quiet ceremony, a gorgeous dinner just the two of you and a night in a hotel.

And if he pays for nothing else, make sure you have a professional photographer. We didn't and I can't bear to look at the pictures.

Rant over

Yikes! He wants, he plans, he organises.
If he can't see that it doesn't bode well for the future!

OP, your wedding plan sounds like my worst nightmare. Please DO NOT send the invites.

Your DH sounds a bit like mine in some respects - loves having friends over, doesn't like spending too much money , 'it'll all be fine' attitude.

The difference is - my DH actually is a grafter and would do everything he could to organise it and make it work.

Despite that, there is still no way on this earth that I would agree to cater for 50 in a village hall. On my wedding day. NO WAY. Even if DH did everything ( and my DH probably would offer to do everything except the flowers) I would still be stressed out of my mind.

If I were you: Registry office, meal out, local pub.

At the very, very least if you have to do it in the village hall, get caterers in. It will be worth every single penny.

OP sorry but I think he's just looking for an excuse for a party..... Is he a party animal generally? Interesting that he didn't mention that he needed family to be there instead he mentioned friends!

Do something you're happy with!

Yes, caterers sound better but HE needs to book it etc.

We got married in registry office mid afternoon then went to asocial club. We had a cold buffet (not done by me) speeches at a random time for 10 mins and a DJ friend brought his kit and put some playlists on.

It was perfect for us and no one moaned or bitched. Several friends loved it so much they did similar.

Just hire a caterer and you are good. We had no balloons, no cars, no favours, no fuss, no seating plans.

If you have or know someone with Costco membership you could cater from there. They do huge sandwich platters, massive packs of sausage rolls, gorgeous desserts etc. You would just need someone to pick them up and plonk them on a table.

It is doable but your dp needs to help or else jeans on a Tuesday it is.

Snarkle

This is why, when we eventually get married (almost did last year) it will be Dp, Ds and I and that's it. There are some lovely venues I have my eye on which do similar to Gretna but a fraction of the price and a lot more.

We got married 4 years ago. Ealing Registry Office, about 50 close friends/family, then a buffet at nearby O'Neills. The whole thing cost us about £1,500including 4 days in Bournemouth staying in a B&B. O'Neills were fantastic- the buffet clost about £4 a head. We were allowed to take our own wine (got a great deal on a really good Prosecco reduced from £12 a bottle to £3.99 from Tescos). The deal at O'Neills incuded two waiting staff for the afternoon and loads of finger food. They also uncorked and served our wine. I bought an outfit from TK Maxx, and my partner bought her's from M&S & Primark. We looked gorgeous! A work colleague did the photos- he is just starting his photography business and so we got a great deal on photos. A friend baked a simple cake for £100. Invites- blank cards from The Works, I did a little arty thing with our initials and printed inserts for them with everyone's names on. It was a simple wedding but was INCREDIBLY stressful to organise!!!! Just feeling responsible for providing something nice for the people that come.

Snarklepoos big very unmumsnetty {{{{{{{{{ hugs}}}}}}}. Poor you.

Hoorah! I have had long, strong words with soon to be DH and he has relented. We are getting caterers in. Probably a wood fired Pizza van or similar. We'll still ask people to bring something to share so there's extra things on offer, but I will not have to cook A THING!

Feel much better about the whole affair now. I quite like the informal, slightly shambolic nature of a big family party. But now I know everyone will have something to eat without me having to get my pinny on on my wedding day I can relax and enjoy the day.

DP has also promised to do more of the planning and arranging stuff. I'm sure he will, though it might be a bit last minute. That's his style. He works really hard at things he think are important (gardening, parenting etc) but planning where to put fairy light, probably not so much.

That's brilliant op, I'm sure you'll have a wonderful day!

Leave him to it! Seriously, you have enough on your plate. He takes over from here, you have done enough. If you expect guests to pay for their food, then you cannot ask for gifts, no cheeky cash requests, either, and tell them in advance.

I've been to bring and share weddings, weddings in function rooms of inexpensive restaurants and we paid for our own food (couple laid on a couple of glasses of wine/beer and cake). All fine as long they know/are prepared.

We gave cash gifts in such instances, too, but no gifts were asked for.

We're not asking for any gifts. Our invitations say 'a gift of some food to share from those that are able would be welcome'. We'll be paying the pizza van. We've been living together for years and have a son, we don't need any more house hold clobber. I think the idea of wedding gifts in such circumstances is a bit weird. Not sure where that came from to be honest.

Hearthattack, when I got married to my son's dad, we got married at 4pm, the dress was from Monsoon, the doo was in a room over a pub and my mum, nan, and auntie did the catering during the morning of the wedding.

We decorated the room the night before and I spent a very nice leisurely (I was 5months pregnant and not for stressing) morning and afternoon before I got dressed. I even managed to dye my hair.

Ask folk to help, most people LOVE to help.

Ah, crosspost.

Glad to see you're getting a pizza oven in. Excellent work!!

That's great news! I'm sure you'll have a wonderful day.