Argument and husband left house without wedding ring

[idlikeasnooze]

I need some advice please! Sorry this is long.

I did a family meal last night as it was my late Dad's birthday and 1 year on I didn't want to ignore it but not really celebrate it either - so I just did an informal meal for us and the kids.

We didn't drink much - a glass for a toast and one more after. So no-one drunk but not completely sober.

Meal goes well then my husband and mum start a conversation - to which I know she has extreme views on and he equally. Think religion ... but it wasn't. Husband fed her with an awful line to consider to which her response was equally as awful. At this point I put a stop to the conversation - said each to their own opinion and left it there.

Husband then went into a mood and started to clear away - signalling the night was most definitely over. I knew he meant this, mum and sibling just took the hint and packed up to leave.

They thanked us for the evening and he muttered a goodbye.

I went to bed not wanting to cause a row. I couldn't sleep and was upset he'd ended the night on a sour note.

This morning he asks abruptly why I'm not speaking. I told him I thought he was rude last night and that due to the date he could have let it slide for once.

He asks if I'm going to give my mum 'as much grief' for what she'd said - to which I replied yes I'll tell her it was out of order too.

I tell him he's not innocent in it all and fed her a ridiculously awful line to consider.

Then ... all hell breaks lose and he goes mad saying how out of order my mum was, when I once again pointed out he'd fed her theory with an awful line ... he refused to accept any part.

She'd brought us an expensive gift round too ... so when I said "Look it was an important date, she brought us a lovely gift, couldn't it have just been an easy night ...

To which

He flies off the handle and says 'give it her back' and then smashes a coffee pot and wine glass all over the side in the kitchen.

I couldn't quite believe how mad he'd gone. He throws toddler tantrums but doesn't usually smash stuff - and I stupidly cleaned it up.

He apologised to the kids and refused to apologies to me.

I told him I was sick of it and that I could do this all on my own.

I then told him I didn't mean what I'd said but what he'd done was unacceptable.

He showered, then I showered, then he left for work without saying a word.

He's left his wedding ring on the side. He never does this, so not accidently forgotten to put it back on.

I rang my mum and she said she was glad I stopped the conversation when I did, and each to their own on opinion, but she feels awful it esculated to an argument. She thought he was a bit 'off' at the end of the night but mainly that she just thought he was tired when he left the table.

She said to not argue back and just wait until he comes round.

We have a weekend of family stuff with both sides of the family which I can't 'fake' all weekend.

Am I seriously in the wrong here?

Hate arguments but don't think I need to apologies here ...

Feeling a bit numb more than anything at the moment.

What do you think?

To me there are two things here: the disagreement between your mum and your husband is one thing and if you think your husband was trying to start a fight, then it's up to him to acknowledge that. I think you handled the situation the way most sensible people would have. However the way your husband behaved this morning, smashing stuff and walking out without his wedding ring, is quite another. I mean, he really needs to grow up!

Damage to property is considered a criminal offence, it is a very abusive and controlling act. In the situ you are describing it is often used as an attempt to silence the other person. It can be shocking and frightening even, and maybe especially if it's never happened before. Did your children witness this? If so that is likely to frighten them. For me, regardless of whether you chose your words appropriately in speaking with him, he has crossed a line with his aggressive behaviour.

You say your partner throws toddler tantrums, it sounds like he has trouble taking responsibility for himself, and you pointing out that he goaded the argument is probably not something he can stand to hear or accept.
This would be a red flag for me. It could be just a one off, as there are such instances, but sudden outbursts of explosive aggressive behaviour are almost always about something happening on a deeper level for the person, and until that thing is addressed the outbursts will likely continue.
Aside from all that, to behave in such a way on a date that has so much meaning to you is horribly selfish.

Without knowing who said what, people are assuming a huge amount here and projecting massively.

Either way, his behaviour, smashing things this morning is unacceptable. It doesn't sound like you feel happy with the balance of your relationship generally so when this all blows over you could look into ways to address that, whether it's talking more to each other or through relationship counselling.

Regarding what was said - it truly was horrible so I don't really want to write it down. But it's akin to the Glen Hoddle reincarnation comments someone mentioned. Just unnecessary example given by my husband (and horrible) and then a ridiculous response by my mum (and horrible). Just stupid stupid behaviour.

Husband knows my mums views so knew she would say something controversial.

She was wrong saying it - but he can't now act holier-than-thou pretending he didn't think she'd respond like that.

So, your mum is the one with the distasteful views along Glen Hoddel's lines?

And let me guess. You have someone with a disability in your family/immediate circle and your DH pointed this out in no uncertain terms and your mum's views still stand?

Your husband and mum started it and both were clearly at fault. I guess your husband felt that they were both at fault but you choose to point your disappointment out to him first and you had given silent treatment the night before so he was assuming all the blame was at his door and your mother was going to get away with it.
I would have mentioned while they were both there that they were both ruining a night that was supposed to be special ect! Do apologies and get it out of the way. Sometimes I resort to silent treatment and it always blows up in my face, it spins things on longer than it needs to be, the other person gets wound up as it goes over and over in their head too and it leaves them on egg shells. However smashing stuff up and throwing a tantrum over it is idiotic and shows he cant control his anger and I wouldn't have accepted that either he needs to be the one being extremely apologetic!

The wedding band you think he left it deliberately, If read it correctly you said that "I told him I was sick of it and that I could do this all on my own." In what context? To cleaning up the mess or to him actually being there?
Could he taken this as if you don't need him/ want him there anymore? Hence he left his ring behind as if to say if you don't need me then I don't need this.

I would question myself and our relationship if someone said that to me, I would be asking myself how much did they actually mean it ? Even if they said they didn't mean it, and was sorry. When we say something like this there is even for a split second some truth in it or why would we say it in the first place? Sometimes it's not something that can instantly be forgiven or forgotten.

You can't be happy tonight OP. Say he comes home with flowers and apologies?

He still smashed a glass, disrespected purpose of the evening, made you walk on eggshells, throws tantrums, doesn't do his part around the house. None of that will change.
This isn't about the finer points of the religion argument, it's about being in a bad relationship.
Also, men sometimes start rows to set up blame for partner when they're having an affair. Sorry to say that's it's not impossible.

smashing things is just crazy, and then NOT tidying up, and then NOT apologising to you, and then the passive aggressive act of leaving his wedding ring off...

he sounds like an arsehole and a bit of a bully. And it sounds like it is your job to appease him....

by walking on eggshells, tidying up what he breaks in a rage, and by worrying how to win him back after he left his wedding ing off (i.e. giving you a clue it's YOUR job to make things ok again)

Sorry, but he sounds immature and a dick

just to point out it wasn't about disability. Sorry if that's upset anyone.

Reincarnation is a bit of an odd thing to fall out over so badly that someone ends up throwing and breaking things.

It's a terrible thing to throw things and break them over on the birthday anniversary of someone who has died, especially when you are arguing with their widow and married to one of their adult children, with your own children in the room.

People have strong opinions on all sorts of things, but there's a time and a place and your husband really didn't behave well.

You say you disagree with both of them, yet you managed to keep out of the argument and try to end it, rather than join in with the bickering and shouting.

Your Mum took part in the argument, but given the date it was perhaps more understandable for her, and now she feels awful and is prepared to accept that people have different opinions. She sounds by far the most reasonable of the two.

It's a miserable life walking on eggshells OP.

And even in the good times, are you waiting for him to kick off again? What he's doing now is ridiculous. Behaving like a toddler, not speaking to you, making a point by leaving his wedding ring, demanding to know what you're going to say to your mum.

I don't think you need to apologise to him. Is there a pattern to him kicking off and you apologising to keep the peace?

Op but it's very obvious that you are being deliberately vague. I can only assume it's because what your mum said would immediately change the tone of the responses on this thread. If your mum was in the wrong then you are wrong to say that your DH was wrong to respond. That's almost deliberate victim blaming iyswim

Ultimately your mum and DH had a controversial and heated discussion. Your mum said things which were, by the sounds of things, out of order and your DH challenged her views. And the one you're blaming is your DH. The more you say here and the more you don't say, the more obvious it is that this isn't straightforward, and that you're deliberately withholding some points and emphasising others to turn the discussion to your advantage.

Isn't it rather a lot more likely she's being deliberate vague because this is an anonymous forum and she doesn't want her DH to see his words quoted chapter and verse?

I know people can have different opinions, but wannabe, you do seem determined to stick your knife into the OP - you've ignored/misread half her post and now you're relying on making up what you think must have been said and turning it into 'victim blaming'. I don't understand it.

You see, I'm torn now. I'm not sure I can make a judgement on the information OP.

On the face of it - it is completely despicable behaviour on the part of your DH - it is totally unacceptable to start a controversial argumetn at a special meal, strop off to the kitchen, be in a strop with you for staying Stop It!, and smashing stuff this morning. Totally outrageous.

But then I'm thinking - what if. What if, say, my DH had a beloved disabled sibling, and someone expressed the 'Glenn Hoddle' view at the dinner table. I would expect him to be extremely and personally distressed - if my DH was deeply upset by something very offensive that my mother had said, I would support him - rather than say 'each to heir own'. I could understand his anger and distress then.

Your DH fed yoyr mum a deliberate line which he knew would escalate. On the anniversary of her husbands dearh?? Nice. That's very wrong.

He then threw a toddler tantrum. That's very wrong.

He left his wedding ring for you to see to cause you maximum anxiety all day. That's very wrong.

He's a dickhead.

I will not write down what was said. It was not about disability as per Glen Hoddle but of a subject I personally found just as shocking.

My husbands 'example' was despicable, my mothers belief (I) believe to be wrong - but the top and bottom of it is they were at the equal point of both being dickheads when I stopped it.

In general, I don't think that a third party should stop a discussion that two other adults have started.

Why couldn't the rest of you have left them & moved elsewhere?

Or ditto to when he started clearing stuff away?

That said, of course his subsequent behaviour is ridiculous.

What an (aggressive) drama llama!

i think the real point is that smashing things when you feel your DW isn't backing you up sufficiently isn't ever acceptable behaviour and leaving your wedding ring is a threat 'back me or I'll sack you'.

The thing that would stick out for me is the goady remark on such a sensitive occasion. Usually I am for people sorting things out themselves, but here (anniversary of a death!) I would definitely step in and glare at my husband and find some excuse to get him to move on.

Now the first anniversary of your dad's death is remembered for this, and not your dad. What a complete twit.

All the other things you say are a bit worrying- the smashing of the items (once in a marriage I could tolerate this awfulness, not more), his moods etc. It is difficult having small children, it's stressful and everyone is tired.

I would wait for this to de-escalate and then state calmly your view then move on.

If this repeats (the breaking of things, the bad moods) consider if this is how you want to live.

I don't want it to carry on - I've said my piece, I've told my mum her views were not appreciated, she's apologised and feels awful she had some part in the following row.

I'm not happy my family were given the end to the night, it wasn't a nice parting, I'm upset by this morning, my kids are too young to explain this too (and will hopefully forget), I'm pissed off my coffee pot is smashed (!) and every time I see his ring I'm reminded he's not wearing it and dread tonights 'homecoming'.

I'm generally f*cked off that this could all have been avoided had I kept my mouth shut but again, why should I?

If I let everything that bothers me just slide on by I'd go mad (not to the point of trashing something!) and most things I do

I have no idea what mood he'll come home in and the Easter Weekend I was so looking forward to is tarnished.

At least I have some wine left in the fridge and another glass ;o)

"I'm generally f*cked off that this could all have been avoided had I kept my mouth shut but again, why should I?"

No, it could have been avoided if he hadn't started clearing stuuf & others took it as a signal to leave.

He'd calmly said to you afterwards that he didn't appreciate you stopping his discussions/blatantly favouring your mum/whatever else upset him.

He didn't deliberately break things this morning.

It doesn't matter who said what. Who was worse than the other.

The real point is he smashed shit and left you to clean it up and took off his wedding ring in a tantrum.

We are a big family of debaters and when I get with my side of the family a debate always happens and sometimes they get a little heated but we all know what lines not to cross. Your mum and husband crossed a line you weren't wrong to try to put an end to that.

But that isn't the point. His reactions were mean and pathetic and I wouldn't want to live with an adult toddler. You say you walk on egg shells a lot, I think you need to ask yourself if you are finding yourself walking on egg shells a lot more recently?

You seem pretty level headed and know that it is wrong to keep your 'mouth shut' to avoid him going off on one. I don't know what the answer is, I guess you have to decide if this is a relationship you want to keep in.

You have done nothing wrong though. Don't get tied down with who said what last night, there is no excuse for his behaviour this morning, that's all on him.

He didn't deliberately break things this morning.

He didn't?

I thought he took his wedding ring off in response to the OP saying she could "do it all on her own".

She took it back as soon as she said it and told him she didn't mean what she said.

Not a good thing to say no, but after he smashed things I can't really blame her.

He did deliberately break things this morning.

I backtracked almost immediately on my 'doing it on my own' comment. I said it in the heat of the moment and said to him that I didn't really mean it - but what the hell is smashing stuff up about?

That's when he said he'd apologised to the kids for that (one can barely talk never mind understand that!) - but he wouldn't be apologising to me.

I must have deserved that hey?