Argument and husband left house without wedding ring

[idlikeasnooze]

I need some advice please! Sorry this is long.

I did a family meal last night as it was my late Dad's birthday and 1 year on I didn't want to ignore it but not really celebrate it either - so I just did an informal meal for us and the kids.

We didn't drink much - a glass for a toast and one more after. So no-one drunk but not completely sober.

Meal goes well then my husband and mum start a conversation - to which I know she has extreme views on and he equally. Think religion ... but it wasn't. Husband fed her with an awful line to consider to which her response was equally as awful. At this point I put a stop to the conversation - said each to their own opinion and left it there.

Husband then went into a mood and started to clear away - signalling the night was most definitely over. I knew he meant this, mum and sibling just took the hint and packed up to leave.

They thanked us for the evening and he muttered a goodbye.

I went to bed not wanting to cause a row. I couldn't sleep and was upset he'd ended the night on a sour note.

This morning he asks abruptly why I'm not speaking. I told him I thought he was rude last night and that due to the date he could have let it slide for once.

He asks if I'm going to give my mum 'as much grief' for what she'd said - to which I replied yes I'll tell her it was out of order too.

I tell him he's not innocent in it all and fed her a ridiculously awful line to consider.

Then ... all hell breaks lose and he goes mad saying how out of order my mum was, when I once again pointed out he'd fed her theory with an awful line ... he refused to accept any part.

She'd brought us an expensive gift round too ... so when I said "Look it was an important date, she brought us a lovely gift, couldn't it have just been an easy night ...

To which

He flies off the handle and says 'give it her back' and then smashes a coffee pot and wine glass all over the side in the kitchen.

I couldn't quite believe how mad he'd gone. He throws toddler tantrums but doesn't usually smash stuff - and I stupidly cleaned it up.

He apologised to the kids and refused to apologies to me.

I told him I was sick of it and that I could do this all on my own.

I then told him I didn't mean what I'd said but what he'd done was unacceptable.

He showered, then I showered, then he left for work without saying a word.

He's left his wedding ring on the side. He never does this, so not accidently forgotten to put it back on.

I rang my mum and she said she was glad I stopped the conversation when I did, and each to their own on opinion, but she feels awful it esculated to an argument. She thought he was a bit 'off' at the end of the night but mainly that she just thought he was tired when he left the table.

She said to not argue back and just wait until he comes round.

We have a weekend of family stuff with both sides of the family which I can't 'fake' all weekend.

Am I seriously in the wrong here?

Hate arguments but don't think I need to apologies here ...

Feeling a bit numb more than anything at the moment.

What do you think?

To start a debate about reincarnation on the anniversary of someone's death with their widow and daughter present was ill advised at best. At worst it could be considered a deliberate attempt to draw the evening to a close.
Was your husband supportive of the evening you had planned?

The events after however are a different kettle of fish. This shows a person with emotional manipulative tenancies crossing the line into abusive territory with the property distruction. This was an escalation in behaviour that must never happen again and your reaction to it was understandable. Witnessing anyone behave like that at that particular time and making it all about them when they should be supporting you would make any person question they had chosen the correct partner.
I know you want to smooth things over and I understand the feeling you have that that shouldn't happen this time. You are correct, it shouldn't. You need to make it clear to him that the conversation topic was innapropriate given the setting so being asked to drop it was a sensible option. If he claims it was disrespectful, his behaviour afterwards was not in any way respectful to you. Does he seriously think his right to an opinion trumps your feelings in every situation?
Have the calm conversation about respect being a 2 way street and don't fear where it leads because you need to reset some boundaries and plan you next move if you discover he does not respect you. Do not let another tantrum deflect you into apologising for what you said whilst he gets away with his actions.

I'm with birds on this one too. Your husband has behaved appallingly imo. He is an adult, he should have just said we will have to agree to disagree given the situation. Breaking glasses and storming out is way ott

Nobody is good 100% of the time. That's a bizarre thing to say!

It all sounds very out of proportion to me.

Escalating a discussion on reincarnation through a soap-style tantrum to leaving your wedding ring on the side is big drama. Not right.

Re-reading the OP it doesn't sound like the OP's DH brought the subject up. It reads like both the DH and the DM were equally responsible for the conversation starting.

It also reads like the silent treatment (normally stated on here to be abusive) was actually given out by the OP - not the DH.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

You most definitely were not in the wrong. You called a stop to what was likely to have ended up being a pissing contest (ie with no one winning and everyone getting their feet wet) and now he's behaving like a stroppy teenager over it, with a bit of physical aggression thrown in for good measure.

I bet he didn't clean up the broken glass, either. Arse.

Was it deliberate silent treatment to punish him or I won't say anything because whatever I say will inflame the situation?

OP, just read your updates. Reincarnation. WTAF! Sorry, but he has made this all about him. You need to ascertain how you want to proceed in this relationship. A year on is not long to get perspective on grief. I'm in my 3rd year after my mum's death, and I'm only now putting things in perspective. But everyones different. Try and step outside of this engagement with your OH, and I don't mean onto eggshells. Try and adopt a fuck you attitude to him. I've done this.

Put his wedding band away, and don't bring it up till he does. Wanker

Discussion was started by both. Halted by me.

It wasn't deliberate silent treatment - I can't stand that. It was bite my lip as I can't say nothing and if I do I know what will happen.

I didn't bite my lip and I knew it'd happen.

Row this morning v me keeping schtum and fuming all day and then calming down and letting another issue I believe to be wrong go.

Maybe I should have bitten my lip. But I try to choose my battles these days (with him and the kids!) - he pushed me to tell him, so I did, knowing full well neither of us would listen to each others side of the story.

Women often assume the role peacemaker in families - it seems your mum is being far more forgiving here, and you bite your lip, or walk on eggshells so as not to have a big argument with your DH. That raises alarm bells for me - as does the smashing the coffee pot/glasses.

Do you know why your husband was so upset by the argument? Are these closely-held beliefs of his, or is your mother's view slightly offensive? (I can think of some offensive views regarding reincarnation - Glenn Hoddle expressed them once). Or - does your DH not like anyone disagreeing with him in general?

The leaving of the wedding ring is to punish you. HIBU.

I don't agree with people who are saying it's 'rude' or somehow wrong to get into a headed debate at the dinner table or anywhere else. Sometimes people vehemently disagree on the big issues in life but of course we shouldn't avoid those topics or arguments! That's how we educate ourselves and form opinions and change opinions.

I also don't think it's a LTB situation if someone's dh is sometimes arsey - in RL there's a grumpy/arsey person in every single marriage I know. Only OP can say how bearable it is and whether his behaviour is detrimental to her or the children in a serious way. Sometimes I tread on egg shells around my dh, sometimes he around me - it's not ideal and we both try hard to be respectful and pleasant but life ain't always like that!

I do sympathise with the timing of the row and I'm really sorry for the loss of your father OP - I also don't think you did anything wrong

My feeling is that this is about much more that just what was said during the evening. Nothing that was said warranted his behaviour.

He sounds like someone who blew his lid about something that was completely unrelated to what is actually bothering him. I only heard one side of the story, but it might also be because he was looking for an excuse to stomp out in a rage. And while that is a stupid thing to do, doing it on that evening is also rude an insensitive.

It also reads like the silent treatment (normally stated on here to be abusive) was actually given out by the OP - not the DH.

Except the DH is the one who started it. She says he went off into the kitchen in a mood. Clearly he didn't come to say goodbye to his guests as they were forced to 'take the hint and leave'.

You have to be a special kind of dickhead to start goading a widow on the afterlife on her late husbands birthday.

And another dickhead award for making you out to be a skivvy in your own home.

I could not be doing with that, at all.

I don't care what the topic was, it was a difficult night for your DM and her SIL should have been respectful of that. Asking if you were going to have a go at your DM too was particularly shitty.

Don't try to mollify him later. He was in the wrong. I have strong political beliefs, but there are times you set that kind of thing aside. Maybe have a 'No religion, no politics' rule at the dinner table from now on.

Why should it have been the OP's job to be conciliatory and break the silence? He was the one who had been rude.

OP, I think you really do need to have it out with him. You can't keep on like this, with him coming home and sweeping it under the carpet, or thinking he was somehow ok. If there is something bigger going on, you need to know. And I think if you ask him what on earth is going on that made him act this way, he might realise it was completely out of proportion to what happened.

Does your husband by any chance resent your mother, or the close relationship you have with your mother?

I have strong views about a lot of things (including topics like reincarnation, after life etc) I wouldn't start a deep contraversial discussion with a grieving widow who I had invited to my house, - and I certainly wouldn't smash up crockery because someone disagreed with me (or for any other reason).

People who throw and smash stuff are trying to intimidate others - it's a warning of violence 'look I cans mach stuff - next time it might be you' - that is my feeling anyway.

I would have zero tolerance for than kind of violent angry behaviour. He needs to commit to some kind of anger management and face up to his lack of control over his temper.

As for the wedding ring - that is pathetic and childish. I'd put it in a drawer and forget about it. Let him politely ask you where it is when he wants to wear it again.

Honestly I'd be reconsidering my relationship (but I know LTB is always seen as an over reaction, - I just never tolerate violence any more - it's one strike/thrown plate and you are out)

Only you, OP, know or suspect the real reason for the magnitude of his hurt feelings and why he left his ring off?

Op said they both had the discussion, people saying that the OP's DH was goading her mum are projecting- it doesn't sound as if that happened at all.

In fact given the op has given all details of the aftermath she's been surprisingly cagey about what was actually said, which makes me wonder whether it was actually the DH in the wrong in terms of this particular discussion or whether he perhaps had a point.

His behaviour was utterly unacceptable and he refuses to apologise to you. No, I don't think you should just wait until he comes round, as your mother thinks.

Regardless of how it started - it doesn't matter whose 'fault' it was - He should know in no uncertain terms that being insensitive, moody, rude, violent and emotionally manipulative (the ring thing) is not acceptable.

Don't apologise, don't let it blow over. Demand an apology or you'll be rethinking your options.

YANBU - he's behaving appallingly childishly - smashing stuff and leaving his ring behind? I agree don't mollify him, ignore him until he apologizes. I also agree with people saying he should have bitten his lip, very poor manners to do this on the birthday of your deceased dad. I suspect there is other stuff going on - is he unusually stressed at work? Seems a massive over-reaction by him to me.

Do you know what? I don't really know?

Maybe lack of sleep due to toddler keeping us awake night after night? maybe work stress? maybe he thinks I'm siding with my mum? (I don't know how more impartial I can be there!), maybe we need a good row? maybe I'm not happy? maybe he's not happy?

I often joke he must get dizzy as the world obviously revolves around him.

It obviously did this morning. I compared him to a very spoilt adult within our family circle because he is like that. Maybe I hit a sore spot?

Maybe I'm caring less as the 'fuck you attitude' someone has suggested seems much easier to do than ever before. Maybe I'm just numb and sad.

Maybe its just a shit day and he'll come home, apologies (ha!) and we'll be happy tonight.

I just don't feel it this time so much ... and I'm in need of coffee ;o)

So the discussion was about religion (reincarnation is religious, nothing else, in that it's something that can only be about faith rather than a moral or scientific nature) In which case, "each to their own" is the only appropriate viewpoint, although of course it can be annoying to have that spelt out. So that obviously changes what I said above, and there's less to apologise for that.

The silent treatment is odd, assuming the evening is over because someone gets up to clear the dinner plates is odd and going to bed without comment is odd, as are other things, but all that oddness really just points to some other underlying situation.