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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to find out sex of baby?

62 replies

Shambalaa · 23/03/2016 16:30

I have 2 DC from a previous marriage, DP has 1 DC.

Ex and I found out what we were having with ours, DP didn't.

I want to find out this time. DP doesn't. We keep bickering over it and I'm getting really angry and upset.

I'm the one carrying the baby and I feel knowing helps me bond better. I also don't want to find out after a long labour, off my head and exhausted.

I have said he can make his own decision but he doesn't get to decide for me. He gets pissed off and says fine, but if I must find out so will he as it ruins it for him and I have forced his hand.

I'm fucking fuming Angry

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 23/03/2016 16:50

Yanbu. Ultimately it's your decision if you differ.

We didn't find out with dd1and it was an awful labour. By the time she came out I couldn't have cared what she was, I was in such a state. The whole of labour and looking after a baby was a 'surprise' - I didn't need any more! Btw I didn't mind either way about the Sex.

With dd2 we found out at the scan. We were thrilled and really enjoyed knowing and looked forward to meeting her. It was also good for dd1 to know she was having a sister and helped us prepare.

Original poster
Shambalaa · 23/03/2016 16:54

Thanks for all the opinions.

I just feel he's made it a really negative thing with his sulking and stroppiness and almost feel like saying if he's going to be like that then he might as well not come to the scan.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 23/03/2016 16:56

YANBU to want to know.

HINBU to not want to know.

As mumsnet rightly points out repeatedly, it's his child as well. He is perfectly entitled to not want to find out. It's too important for either of you to be expected to suck it up. Find out if you want to, but respect his wishes in not wanting to.

He's just being a dick about the whole thing. Getting very sulky and making out I'm ruining his surprise by forcing my own way

It's his child too. He's entitled to have his own view on it.

Find out and don't tell him is the only compromise.

KathySelden · 23/03/2016 16:56

It's really hard when your in this position. It was the same for me and DH in the end I went with his decision not to find out and as it turned out it worked out well. I had an emergency CS in the end and the one bit of my birth plan I knew we could stick to was my DH telling me if we had a boy or girl. It gave me something to c long to whilst everything else went to shit!

I have to say though DH was resonable and did not sulk or bitch, if he had I would have been tempted to find out to reward his grown up behaviour!

KathySelden · 23/03/2016 16:57

Sorry meant something to hold on to, can't type and BF at same time clearly

KatharinaRosalie · 23/03/2016 16:58

It's totally reasonable if he wants to have a surprise. Himself.
It's not reasonably to declare what you should do, though. Like it wouldn't be reasonable for you to insists he finds out, if he doesn't want to know.

Squashybanana · 23/03/2016 17:00

Just a reminder. The scan is to check the baby is healthy, not to determine what sex it is. Every day a small percentage of women find out that all is not progressing normally. This is very unlikely to be you but if it should be, you would need your DP there (and finding out the sex would seem a trivial issue).

TheNumberfaker · 23/03/2016 17:02

We had similar disagreement with DD2. I put my foot down so we could organise clothes etc, but mainly because we didn't find out with DD1 and I was convinced she was a boy. I really didn't want that kind of shock again! We didn't tell anyone else though and DH was glad in the end because it gave him several months to reconcile himself to the fact that we were going to have two girls.

Lweji · 23/03/2016 17:04

This sulking is worrying, though. Does he usually do that?

Fratelli · 23/03/2016 17:06

Surely the main thing is that the baby is healthy?
However I do think he should get a say as it's also his baby. They didn't have the option to find out a few years ago and people managed.

Lweji · 23/03/2016 17:08

People also managed not finding out about health problems before.

KatharinaRosalie · 23/03/2016 17:08

He does get a say - he said he didn't want to find out, OP is not forcing him to.

PickledLilly · 23/03/2016 17:09

Do you think because he wasn't there to see what you went through with your difficult births he just genuinely doesn't understand your perspective? Perhaps he has this idyllic dream in his head of how it will be and just can't grasp that the reality might be quite different?

Fwiw I completely understand your perspective, I had a bad birth with my daughter and was completely out of it and spent the first hour or so of her life In surgery whilst my partner phoned all the family and announced her birth without me. I'm really glad we didn't have a surprise as I wouldn't have been able to enjoy it anyway and I would have been really upset if he'd told everyone without me. People keep saying to me this time 'don't you think it would be nice to have a surprise?' Erm. NO. Thankfully, my partner seems happy enough to find out or there would be rows here too - I feel that strongly about it!

TheCrumpettyTree · 23/03/2016 17:10

Of course he should be at the scan. The point of it is to check the baby is ok, not what sex it is.

Fratelli · 23/03/2016 17:20

I think finding out about potential health problems is totally different. You may need to make totally different preparations for the baby. The sex of the baby doesn't actually change anything.

Jade1212 · 23/03/2016 17:32

YANBU, he is!

maggiethemagpie · 23/03/2016 18:34

You don't have to both know. I know one couple where she didn't want to find out and he did, they agreed that the sonographer would tell him but not her, and he kept it secret.

Key word there being agreed. It's best if you can come to a consensus on this without arguing. Otherwise what the fuck are you doing bringing a new life into the world together?

perrita · 23/03/2016 18:41

I think it's silly for one person to know and not the other, and although I think it should be a mutual decision, I think your argument for why you want to find out trump whatever his would be (I'm thinking he just wants a nice surprise, correct me if I'm wrong) what does he say when you tell him about being worried about birth etc? Could you maybe think up a fun way to both find out together like a gender reveal?

ollieplimsoles · 23/03/2016 18:47

he says he wants to have a joyous surprise together, but it wont be will it, because you wont enjoy finding out that way!

I get its his baby too but no one is forcing him to find out the sex, so its very unfair that he is forcing you not to find out.

The arguing over this very small matter is worrying though...

we had a surprise with dd, it was amazing but i wasn't in a state after the birth luckily. I would have been so upset if i was in theater or something and dh had announced it to every one without me

Headofthehive55 · 23/03/2016 19:14

Do you want to tell everyone else? the default position surely is not knowing, as even with the scan it's not certain. My friend was told she was having a girl, then had a boy. She found it difficult to bond as a result. Can you imagine expecting one sex then delivering another? For him too.

Woobeedoo · 23/03/2016 21:12

My OH wanted the 'surprise' but I wanted to know. Before the sexing scan, I had written out a postcard with boy, girl, percentage certainty, image unclear. When I went in for he scan I told the sonographer the above and handed over the postcard and an envelope. The female sonographer asked how I would be able to keep the surprise and looked a little stunned when I said I would.

So, at the sexing bit and the sonographer pipes up "No, baby not playing ball today, legs are firmly crossed". OH was delighted. On leaving sonographer tucked my envelope into my Bounty pack notes and gave a little wink. In it she'd circled boy, 99% certainty - she had me totally hoodwinked so I didn't let on to OH what had happened.

And yes, I kept the secret despite OH asking me when I was giving birth - I told him to wait a bit longer and then he'd find out! He understood my need to know and I understood his need not to so for us, luckily it worked out ok - and I told everyone who asked that we didn't know the sex due to baby crossing their legs.

I also had a private 3D scan on my lunch hour at 5mths and was shown the willy very close up to confirm, yep, it's definitely a boy!

TheCrumpettyTree · 24/03/2016 14:42

It's not a sexing scan. It's an anomaly scan. You can just happen to find out the sex if you want to, but that's not the purpose of it.

GeminiRising · 24/03/2016 14:49

I totally understand your reasons OP and no YANBU!

When I was pregnant with DD2 I was absolutely convinced I was carrying a boy - so much so that I was actually laying away boy's babygros in the local shop.

As I was having a home birth I had to have a 36 week scan and decided I wanted to find out the sex as I had convinced myself that I was having a boy and I was worried I'd be really disappointed if the baby was born and it was a girl. DH and DM both didn't want to know and thought I was wrong for wanting to find out.

I had the scan, the obstetrician asked me if I wanted to know so I said yes. It was actually a relief finding out as I could get my head around having another DD before she was born!

Of course as soon as my DH and DM knew that I knew....they bloody badgered me for about 2 days wanting to find out until I finally caved and told them! Hmm

Everythinggettingbigger · 24/03/2016 15:01

i hate all this use of the word "surprise".....

I found out at a private scan at 18 weeks with my DP and DS that we were expecting another DS......and guess what....it was a complete surprise because we didn't know before the scan!

I feel the same as you OP, I feel like it helps me bond but then I like to be in control and know what's going on, specially inside my own body! DP didn't want to find out with either of our DS's but he totally understood that my life changed from the minute I seen that positive result, his didn't until DS1 arrived and felt it was fair for me to make the decision. Everyone is different and I understand some people just simply don't want their "surprise" until birth.

I had a traumatic birth with DS1 and was in and out of consciousness for a while, if I would have come round properly and found out that everyone already knew I would have been gutted so I completely understand there. Im now 31 weeks with DS2 and finding out has helped my DS1 as he was adamant he was having a sister, he is already named and we refer to him by name.....but do you think that is going to make having my newborn son handed to me any less exciting?? No certainly not.

I would sit down with your DP and explain your reasons for wanting to find out (sorry cant see if you already have?), and listen to his....if its purely for the "surprise" I would say he is BU, its not like your reasons are purely for being impatient.

PunkAssMoFo · 24/03/2016 16:40

Would you bond any less if you didn't/couldn't know? Presumably you'd just be happy either way as long as the baby was healthy. As a relevant hcp, I wish it wasn't an option to find out unless there was a medical need. Focus on whats important.