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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to find out sex of baby?

62 replies

Shambalaa · 23/03/2016 16:30

I have 2 DC from a previous marriage, DP has 1 DC.

Ex and I found out what we were having with ours, DP didn't.

I want to find out this time. DP doesn't. We keep bickering over it and I'm getting really angry and upset.

I'm the one carrying the baby and I feel knowing helps me bond better. I also don't want to find out after a long labour, off my head and exhausted.

I have said he can make his own decision but he doesn't get to decide for me. He gets pissed off and says fine, but if I must find out so will he as it ruins it for him and I have forced his hand.

I'm fucking fuming Angry

OP posts:
NameAgeLocation · 23/03/2016 16:31

YANBU.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 23/03/2016 16:32

Having a surprise was quite nice I thought. As you found out before with your others, is not finding out something you'd even consider?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 23/03/2016 16:33

When he carries a baby he can decide whether you find out the sex or not.
My DH said the same as your DP and he got the same response from me.
He says now he wish he hadn't found out but again i told him its not his choice to make

DrAmandaBentley · 23/03/2016 16:33

Why not go to a gender scan yourself without telling him?

8angle · 23/03/2016 16:33

oh dear that doesn't sound great, have you explained your reasons to him - that you feel knowing helps me bond better. I also don't want to find out after a long labour, off my head and exhausted.

If so has he explained his reasons why he wants to wait?

The bottom line for me would be that it is your decision but would be better if you could agree on it...

KatharinaRosalie · 23/03/2016 16:35

Why does he have to find out just because you do? If he doesn't want to know, he doesn't need to know.

YakTriangle · 23/03/2016 16:35

Why does he have to know if you do, and what on earth makes him think his wishes outweigh yours on this one? Have you tried saying you won't tell him even if you find out or will you be buying baby clothes that will make it obvious?

BillSykesDog · 23/03/2016 16:35

Can you not just have the sonographer tell you but not him?

Original poster
Shambalaa · 23/03/2016 16:35

I don't feel comfortable finding out in a room full of people while I'm in the state I have been after past labours. I really don't feel comfortable with having to give the right exited reaction, like standing up in front of everyone to open Christmas presents. I just feel really agitated over the thought of it.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/03/2016 16:36

Oh difficult. Are you sllowed to find out the sex but not let on?

Original poster
Shambalaa · 23/03/2016 16:37

Well I said this, and he thinks me knowing and him not knowing will ruin the whole concept of having a joyous surprise moment together, or something along those lines Hmm

OP posts:
TheCrumpettyTree · 23/03/2016 16:37

He doesn't have to know though. You could find out and him not.

I didn't find out with either of mine and I liked the guessing.

Original poster
Shambalaa · 23/03/2016 16:38

I could find out on secret but I don't really want to have to lie so that he feels he gets his own way.

OP posts:
KittyandTeal · 23/03/2016 16:38

My friend found out and his wife didn't know (I actually knew what they were having before she did as he cant keep a poker face!)

The sonographer just kept him back a second to tell him while his wife waited outside.

Just do that.

Bambamboomboom · 23/03/2016 16:39

Watching with interest- I am torn. On the one hand I feel exactly like you on the bonding thing...on the other hand I am curious what it would be like to have a surprise. No idea what to do. In you circumstances though I totally agree with other people. Your bonding with the baby is far more important that his surprise at the birth. also your body, your choice!

RiverTam · 23/03/2016 16:40

Hmmmm. I do really think this should be a joint decision. Also - they might not get it right! A colleague of DH's has just had a baby which turned out not to be the sex they were told!
But, if you are getting really very anxious then it should be your call in the end, but he's allowed to feel disappointed, but not to bitch.

Original poster
Shambalaa · 23/03/2016 16:40

He's just being a dick about the whole thing. Getting very sulky and making out I'm ruining his surprise by forcing my own way.

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/03/2016 16:40

Surely you could find out and leave it as a surprise for him. Or will he feel excluded?
I really don't see the difference finding out ealy on or at birth. It's not like birth is less momentous if you already know the sex. It's a major event and still risky for mother and child. Just being successful is cause for celebration.

Finding out earlier is like knowing the child is fine. Does he complain about the health checks as well or does he want the baby's health as a surprise too?

TheCrumpettyTree · 23/03/2016 16:41

I wouldn't say I bonded any less with my babies from not finding out. I was never going to rush out and buy a load of blue clothes.

But it's important to you and you're the one who has to give birth. Why would you have a room full of people? Was it traumatic previously?

VelvetCushion · 23/03/2016 16:42

Yanbu. Go and find out x

fluffypenguinbelly · 23/03/2016 16:44

If you want to find out then find out. I am terrible with surprises and would have hated not knowing.

Original poster
Shambalaa · 23/03/2016 16:45

I've had very very long painful labours with doctors having to deliver with ventouse.

Last time there were 3 midwives, 1 student midwife and a doctor. I was off my head, screaming crying and vomiting, nice!

OP posts:
8angle · 23/03/2016 16:45

He is being a dick - sorry, you have very valid reasons for wanting to know and he just wants a "special surprise" - it's not even his first child. He should be supporting you and making you feel good - not sulking like a little child.

CurlyBlueberry · 23/03/2016 16:46

Yanbu at all. Your body, your right to (available) information about what is growing in your uterus.

Squashybanana · 23/03/2016 16:47

It's his baby too...I don't really get this 'I'm carrying the baby so I get my way' thing. It's not like he had an option to carry the baby but chose not to.
Fwiw I never found out officially with any of mine (saw a Willy on a scan with one but it wasn't confirmed) and no exited reaction was expected of me in the delivery room.
I was a bit disappointed to suspect on the one I sort of knew beforehand... Like I'd unwrapped a present before Christmas.

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