AIBU to be very annoyed with this mother

[Sif1]

To cut a long story short, we found out recently that DD (age 15) has been bullied for years. It has gone on so long because DD was hiding it through fear or reprisals for telling.

I knew about parts of it in the past, and must've suspected 100 times, but DD has been denying it for the last two years and I was beginning to feel like I was almost wishing it true just to be right.

Anyway DD finally confessed (it had got worse recently) and we told the school who instantly suspended the bully. As you can imagine, it has been extremely upsetting.

What is annoying me though is that the day her Dd was suspended, the bully's mother started calling and texting me. She was insisting on bringing her Dd over to apologise. She was also claiming she'd have dealt with it herself if she'd known.
The thing is she did know because I told her last year, and it was because of her failure to deal with it then, that the bullying got worse and DD started lying to me.
MY DD doesn't want to see or speak to her DD, and she suspects the apology is only to try to redeem herself in other people's eyes but she doesn't mean a word of it.
So, i refused and asked the mother to leave us alone.

Then a few days later, the bully sends my DD an email which its clear her mother wrote. (You can tell its not hers by the language and grammar). Basically it says sorry and then proceeds to devote 90% of the message to blaming DD for not giving enough warnings.

First of all its not true - I've seen other email exchanges where Dd has said that so I don't know if they are deluding themselves or what. However, what is really making my blood boil is that I am certain that its the mother who wrote this.

AIBU?

I think the victim blaming email tells you everything you need to know about the sincerity of the apology. it is not sincere at all but a way of wresting control of the situation. Don't accept it and don't communicated at all because any response can be spun and manipulated. They can't spin anything out of nothing.

Sif1 I expect you are both wanting to put it all behind you but if you have evidence of harassment and violence from this girl, you should consider going to the police. She needs a visit from the local PC, might scare her into changing her behaviour and it sounds like you'd be doing everyone in the village a favour.

It may be too late for her, of course, but when my DSS ended up being basically assaulted towards the end of primary school, police came to school, put fear of God and jail into Bully's accomplices and made them snitch on him, and made it clear to Bully and his family he would be getting into trouble with the law if he so much as glanced DSS' way. The kid had form already. Anyway - that ended the bullying and he also lives in a village.

Omg. I hope she doesn't go onto anyone else. Especially weaker children. You sound like a lovely mum. I wish I'd had you as a mum when I was bullied badly at school. The school didn't handle it at all. I hope your dds school handle it well for her. This sounds like very serious stuff. I think contacting the police and a solicitors letter would also be a good thing. We hear awful stuff about children harming themselves because they are bullied online and the severity of what you are writing sounds like it could topple another child. I am glad your DD is safe.

Sadly the bully is copying what she learnt. It's so sad that innocent children can be manipulated by their parents into doing awful things. She must be a very unhappy child.

I do just want it to be over. Maybe it is, or maybe its just a lull before it kicks off again.
I never said the word "police" to either the school or the mother, and I don't know what the school said to the mother. So, I don't know if either the school or the mother are contemplating police involvement. It makes sense that they might be, but I don't know.

However, it does seem like she thinks there is an implied threat and so she's trying to minimise. Either that or she just can't get her head around it.

If she does think the police is an option, then I want to keep that threat in her mind. I feel like if I go to the police, I'll have used my trump card up and then there'll be nothing to make her DD want to leave my DD alone.

Janecc - sadly, I can't imagine this girl ever treating people respectfully. She seems to enjoy hurting others and tbh she is getting better at it all the time. She made a big mistake with the online stuff because it was evidence but I think she'll learn from it and hide it better next time.

Sif1 I completely understand. Seems a shame she might get away with it and worse, but you have to look after yourself and your DD.

OMG what an awful situation you're both in, I wish you both all the best. I really do think you should make a call to the police,regardless of whether the school will/have or not, that way they can open a case file and log the incident. My daughter and I had an incident last year where my daughter was being pestered at school by pupils who didn't know her and we're sticking their noses into things that didn't concern them....anyway a girl, who is sadly nasty to the core, told a third party, she wanted to stab my DD!! I called the police as soon as I found out. The police asked if I wanted the girl arrested, I declined but agreed that the school, the girls parents and the girl herself should be made aware that the police had been contacted. My call and the incident have now been recorded and will be kept on file should the girl have contact with the police in future.
Sorry to waffle.
I truly hope your DD can move on from this without any lasting harm.
Hugs to you both

Sif1 - I get that you will have used your trump card but won't the police put the fear of God in her? I mean what is the rest of the family like? Are they just horrible people or actual criminals?

The family are successful middle-class people. They make a good first impression of being the sort of people who can get things done and generally being a "naice" family.

Then when you get to know them a little you begin to feel a bit uncomfortable. It starts with them asking small favours that you are happy to do. Then bigger ones. Then really taking the mickey ones. Nothing ever gets offered in return.

You begin to feel that if you refuse then you'll be made out to be unreasonable, so you start making excuses. The mother tells you stories about what someone else did to her and how they were totally unreasonable, except you are thinking to yourself that the refusal was more than reasonable.

We moved to the village a few years ago. It took a while to get to know the other mums and then even longer before they started to share their stories and describe the lengths they go to to keep their children away from hers.

My hairdresser, from a neighbouring village, started telling me once about this awful woman who'd demanded everything be rearranged at a joint event so her DC could take centre stage and halfway through the story, I recognised the bully's mother just by the description of the behaviour.

I am fairly sure the HT of the primary school was scared of her. That's why the bully's behaviour went unchecked.

The more you tell us about this family the more it feels like police should be involved. :-/

I see - they have the tools to fight on many plains. Financial and gutter.
Has anyone else stood up to them? I mean involved the police or taken legal action? I see your dilemma.
It is possible they are doing some underhanded stuff and know their way around the system (police and legal) so I see why you will need to tread carefully whatever your next step.
They sound like they have no boundaries and it is fair to assume they haven't finished with you or your DD even if they back off for now.
I can't imagine the school is equipped to handle this one bit.
No contact with them for sure is deffo the safest option.
Are any family members prominent members of the community/business owners?

Have you sent these new communications to the school yet? What did they say?

for you and your lovely girl. It sounds utterly horrendous what you have been through. This woman and her daughter sound vile.

Hi again,
I see noone has posted on here for a while. I lost the thread and found it by chance. Just wondered whether the OP had an update on how her daughter is getting on....