AIBU to be very annoyed with this mother

[Sif1]

To cut a long story short, we found out recently that DD (age 15) has been bullied for years. It has gone on so long because DD was hiding it through fear or reprisals for telling.

I knew about parts of it in the past, and must've suspected 100 times, but DD has been denying it for the last two years and I was beginning to feel like I was almost wishing it true just to be right.

Anyway DD finally confessed (it had got worse recently) and we told the school who instantly suspended the bully. As you can imagine, it has been extremely upsetting.

What is annoying me though is that the day her Dd was suspended, the bully's mother started calling and texting me. She was insisting on bringing her Dd over to apologise. She was also claiming she'd have dealt with it herself if she'd known.
The thing is she did know because I told her last year, and it was because of her failure to deal with it then, that the bullying got worse and DD started lying to me.
MY DD doesn't want to see or speak to her DD, and she suspects the apology is only to try to redeem herself in other people's eyes but she doesn't mean a word of it.
So, i refused and asked the mother to leave us alone.

Then a few days later, the bully sends my DD an email which its clear her mother wrote. (You can tell its not hers by the language and grammar). Basically it says sorry and then proceeds to devote 90% of the message to blaming DD for not giving enough warnings.

First of all its not true - I've seen other email exchanges where Dd has said that so I don't know if they are deluding themselves or what. However, what is really making my blood boil is that I am certain that its the mother who wrote this.

AIBU?

[cansu]

She may well have thought she had dealt with it, given you told her a long time ago, she spoke to her dd and your dd didn't tell anyone it had carried on. I completely understand why you are so upset, but surely apologising and making her dd apologise is all she can do at the moment.

[Sif1]

Oh and she wasn't asking if we would accept an apology, her first text demanded I give her DD an appointment. The implication was that she'd decided what would happen and we wouldn't get a say.

I took hours to calm down enough to write back civilly saying no. Then I get another text telling me how upset she's been. So, i wrote back saying i can imagine its difficult but I have my own child to look after so I won't be offering any support.

I thought she'd got the message but then a few days later the email arrives on DD's account.

[Sif1]

Cansu - I see your point, but I think she can also respect my wishes and not contact DD direct by pretending to be her DD on an email.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Yanbu at all, stand firm, hope the other mum respects your no and doesn't keep pushing

[Sif1]

and to be honest, we live in a village. I know the other mother and she's very much the type of person who sees other people as someone to use if you want something and to step on if they are in your way. Everyone has a story about what she did to them.

[cansu]

You are right she should not force your dd to engage with her. She would have been better to aplogise on her dd behalf by letter. Anyway I hope this leads to better times for your dd.

[GigiB]

Do not reply to the mail (ignore it)
Forward the email to the school to state that your daughter is still being contacted by the girl.
Make sure your daughter doesn't respond to it either and is ok.

[YellowTulips]

Going against the grain I would actually respond to the email sent to your DD - but respond as you and not your DD, something along the lines of:

"Dear Bully, I have already responded to the 2 texts your Mother has sent to me regarding this matter. Neither my opinion or resolve on dealing with this matter has waivered and I re-state again that do not wish either of you to contact myself or my DD in person or by any other means (including but not confined to email, SMS, Instant Chat, Social Media).

All such contact against our wishes, including that already sent has and will continue to be provided to the school and if necessary to our Solicitor if this unwanted and unhelpful commuication does not cease. Yours, Sif"

If you have the mothers email cc her in, if not forward a copy of the email by text.

[AristotlesTrousers]

Crikey, OP. The bully and her mother sound like a nightmare. Your poor DD. Echoing what others have said - don't engage, and gather all the evidence you can. I wish I'd been as brave as your daughter 20 years ago when I was bullied at high school, and the evidence still existed. Hope you get a resolution to it all - on your terms, and that you can all move on.

[GnomeDePlume]

I expect that she is panicking and not yet accepting the truth. How many parents will try to minimise/explain away/blame away when first forced to see what their child has done. Accepting that a child is the bully is a very hard thing for a parent to do.

In this I am not excusing the behaviour just trying to explain it a little.

Your DD is not required to accept an apology, at any point. A true apology is a regretful admission of having done wrong. It does not take away the fact that the wrong has been done.

[Sif1]

The reason I wouldn't allow the apology in the first place was because I had promised DD that the bullying was over and if it made her feel safer then I'd even arrange for DD to change school. Whatever, I'd make sure she was protected so there'd be no comeback for telling the school.

DD was adamant that the bully always cried and apologised until the adults were fooled and then she'd boast to all the children that she'd talked her way out of trouble again. (She gave examples - lots of them because this girl doesn't just behave badly to DD, although DD appears to be her favourite target).

So, when the bully's mum wanted to come over, i said no and expected it to be respected. But it wasn't

[StillYummy]

I wouldn't reply. I would send the school copies of the texts and emails and ask them to pass on the message that any contact between you should be through the school (or police if they are involved).

I hope your dd is feeling safer and happier. I was bullied for years. The thrill of declining the bullies face book request last year was quite something!

[StillYummy]

Also the bully is now fatter than me and has a terrible job.... She used to call me fat and ugly and stupid. In my spare time I model, but I really did believe her then.

[Lighteningirll]

If this is online as well I would report it to the police and tell them about the mother harassing you too, because that is exactly what is happening: harassment.

[Smeldra]

I wouldn't mess around with a physical attack, and would go to the police.

I have a friend whose DS was punched at school. She went straight to the police, bully was given a caution, and the school thanked her as their hands were tied as to how far they could go. There was a positive outcome in this situation in that the bully was sufficiently scared by this and has turned his life around to the point they are friends now.

[Sif1]

The more I post on this thread, the more its dawning me that I was unreasonable to expect anything better from the bully's mum. Now I think about it, its obvious that she'll do what suits her and to hell with everyone else because that's what she's always done.

[EweAreHere]

If your daughter has been physically attacked (especially regularly!), I would contact the police. At the very least, a caution should keep this family away from you if the mother has any brain cells at all re harming her daughter's future.

[Lunar1]

If the scope of the bullies behaviour warrants calling the police then that's exactly what I'd do.

[Peanuts2000]

So awful what has happened to your daughter. There was a thread last month about a boy who was attacked in school, the school hadn't done anything about it. The mother contacted the police who took it very seriously and informed the school the police were aware and were following it up, sounds like the school have let you down too, maybe you should contact the police too. I wouldn't have any more contact with mother, anything she emails or texts should be kept as evidence.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I thought the mention of legal action upthread referred to the fact that the other mum might be scared you're going to pursue legal action against her DD. Therefore, she is trying to get evidence that you have accepted her DD's 'apology' and accepted her minimising of the incidents.

I agree with posters who say you should not respond.....

[Sif1]

The way for the other mum to avoid me reporting it to the police is to get her DD to stop (if she has the power to do that) and to leave my family alone. That's all we want: don't come near DD ever again.

i responded to the first text because I thought she might actually just turn up on our doorstep.

[flippinada]

YANBU whatsoever. She sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant woman who is raising a thoroughly unpleasant child.

Your poor DD. tWhat a terrible thing to go through - How is she? Glad to see that the school are at last taking this seriously.

If I can suggest a course of action, reply to the email as yourself, saying something like ' This is SifDaughter's Mum. For the sake of clarity, no members of your family are to contact me, or my daughter again. No need to respond to this email. If you do I will consider this harrassment and take action accordingly' - it's assertive and to the point but not rude. No need to say anything else.

The reason I'm suggesting this is because, if you do decide to take further action by involving the police, this flags up that you have made it clear you do not want any contact with them.

I hope this is helpful in some way - feel free to disregard if not.

[maydancer]

I think you are a little U, sorry.Firstly the mum asked if the girl could meet your DD and apologise .I think that's fair enough.You say no-again fair enough.The second email you believe is from the mother too? I don't get that? What she is saying sounds more like the DD trying to p[ass some blame back to your DD.I have a 14 YO DD and her friends' grammar and language is the same as an adult's.

[flippinada]

What is the OP being unreasonable about, maydancer? Could you clarify?

[minionsrule]

Well if she is slagging you off for this personally I would reverse the offer to help her out. Just say sorry can't have your DC now - she how she likes that