AIBU to be very annoyed with this mother

[Sif1]

To cut a long story short, we found out recently that DD (age 15) has been bullied for years. It has gone on so long because DD was hiding it through fear or reprisals for telling.

I knew about parts of it in the past, and must've suspected 100 times, but DD has been denying it for the last two years and I was beginning to feel like I was almost wishing it true just to be right.

Anyway DD finally confessed (it had got worse recently) and we told the school who instantly suspended the bully. As you can imagine, it has been extremely upsetting.

What is annoying me though is that the day her Dd was suspended, the bully's mother started calling and texting me. She was insisting on bringing her Dd over to apologise. She was also claiming she'd have dealt with it herself if she'd known.
The thing is she did know because I told her last year, and it was because of her failure to deal with it then, that the bullying got worse and DD started lying to me.
MY DD doesn't want to see or speak to her DD, and she suspects the apology is only to try to redeem herself in other people's eyes but she doesn't mean a word of it.
So, i refused and asked the mother to leave us alone.

Then a few days later, the bully sends my DD an email which its clear her mother wrote. (You can tell its not hers by the language and grammar). Basically it says sorry and then proceeds to devote 90% of the message to blaming DD for not giving enough warnings.

First of all its not true - I've seen other email exchanges where Dd has said that so I don't know if they are deluding themselves or what. However, what is really making my blood boil is that I am certain that its the mother who wrote this.

AIBU?

maydancer - she didn't ask if she could come over to apologise, she told me to name the time.

The email - honestly whoever wrote this, it wasn't the bully. I've seen other things she's written and she's not got that sophistication. I agree some 15 year olds do, but not this one. Also, it used phrases that teenagers don't use. Its hard to explain it without copy pasting it, but if you saw it, you would think it unusual for a 15 year old and you might start to doubt who the author really is.

DD seems ok to those who asked. Actually happier and more optimistic than I've seen her for a long time. At first, she kept hugging me, but that wore off after a couple of days. DD believes its all over. Long may it last.

I don't know how she coped. She said she just made herself forget every time something happened as it was the only way to get through each day. Actually that scares me a little at how used to violence and abuse she'd become.

I think quite a few parents if they found out their child had been bullying, would ask to come over to apologise. They wouldn't see that as an imposition or putting pressure on you especially not when you had already approached her outwith school last year.

Likewise, when you spoke to her last year, you say she said she would deal with it. I don't think you can hold her responsible for the fact that everyone then thought the bullying was dealt with. I also don't think you can hold the mum responsible for the fact you think her DD's apology will be insincere.

Obviously you don't need to give her space to make an apology and your DD doesn't owe her DD anything, but I do think her attempt to get her DD to apologise in person isn't necessarily from a place of malice. And, I think your anger is misguided. It should be directed at the bully and at the school.

Sif I'm glad to hear your DD seems to be feeling better. You sound like a lovely mum

maydancer: are you for real? I take it you have never had a bullied child? Nothing, absolutely nothing would make me accept a half hearted apology if my DD had been through what Sif's had, mine has been bullied relentlessly in year 8 and the tiger in me made sure that bully never crossed our paths again, even now age 19 she won't look me in the eye in Tesco where she works....and neither does her mother when I cross paths with her either. I will never forgive her for the misery she caused DD and that sick to my stomach feeling I had for weeks.

maydancer has form for making provocative comments. I wouldn't pay much attention.

the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree then.

you're doing the right thing.

Actually that scares me a little at how used to violence and abuse she'd become.

op that's really sad I can only hope that in her head, the experience gets turned into a determination not to take any such shit from anyone in later life. She's seen you fighting her corner, she's getting the message that such situations can be changed. That's got to be a good thing.

APlaceOnTheCouch - if one of mine bullied then I'd offer to make an apology. I'd ask though if it would help and be ready to have it thrown back in my face.
She didn't ask though - more told. Still i replied politely saying no. I didn't reply what I really felt like saying that the apology would have not been genuine but rather to ward off any further punishments the school has lined up. I kept it polite.

Then I got the poor-me-if-only-someone-had-told-me text and I itched to reply asking if me telling her last year didn't count? But i didn't. Instead I acknowledged her position and explained that I wouldn't engage as DD is my priority whilst all the time thinking that the fact she has forgotten what i told her last year shows her seriously she took it.

So I thought we were done. Then a few days later, the email arrives. I don't know who wrote it but I know its wasn't the bully and it was in the writing style of the bully's mum. It used phrases that just wouldn't be how many teenagers would express themselves, and definitely this teenager doesn't express herself. Also it was quite manipulative.

TBH I can only really explain it by posting it and I don't want to do that.

But I am beyond mad with the bully. I just can't imagine her ever developing into a decent human being, and I think her mum has left it too late to start trying to set her straight rather than defending her whenever anyone objected to her behaviour, as she has for the last 15 years. I hope they make each other miserable.

Sif it's clear from your posts that you're a thoughtful, loving and caring mum who has handled this awful situation in the best way you could. You don't need to justufy yourself to anyone on here.

I'd agree that it's harrassment.

I suspect PP are right that the bully's Mum is (quite rightly imo) shitting herself about what might happen should OP and her DD decide to take this further.

If you think you have a legal case why not see the police? I'm interested to know why you don't. This kind of behaviour is very unlikely just to stop, it might be temporarily diverted.

Your daughter would be well advised to get some good counseling (not easy to find).

Thank you flippinada, that's a really nice thing to say.

I think we've got a good case for harassment anyway. And also the Malicious Communications Act and assault. DD just wanted it all to stop.

We gave the school a chance and I think they've succeeded - apart from that email which could be taken as an apology if you wanted to only read the first line. If the school fails, then we will go to the police.

Much of the online stuff has been taken down now, but I've got copies and screenshots. It would be horrible for DD to think the abusive messages, images, videos etc have not been destroyed, so I haven't told her that I've taken copies. I'll keep them safely locked away and only get them back out to give to the police if the bullying resumes.

Its strange but the school have said nothing to us about what has happened to the bully, not even that they were suspended. DD asked the head of year when she'd be back and was just told "let's see". I guess that this must be to protect the bully's privacy??

Do not engage with either of them, delete and block her number, pass it to the school. Let school deal with it. They are not even sorry, just trying to save their own arses. No no no.

You're very welcome Sif. This must be such a difficult thing to handle and it really does sound like you're doing all the right things , not just the emotional stuff like supporting your DD but the practical stuff too.

Also the bully's mum is trying to control the situation and be the one in charge of what happens next - she wants to dictate that you accept her 'apology', wants to organize a meeting with her dd and yours, and when you said no, she emailed your dd anyway. It's like she's trying to show you that you can't say no to her.

Be careful, she may not be ready to let this go and may try to come at you with something else. Definitely do not engage with her - you've done all the right things. Hope she doesn't turn up on your doorstep, she sounds seriously creepy.

I think both of them would love to strike back, if they could. Its just a question of whether they can or not.

Clearly, from the way they both behave, they come first in all things. So, although they may both think revenge is due, they won't do anything that will hurt themselves. Getting caught was just a mistake, and the only thing the bully or her mother genuinely regrets.

The bully seems to have a lopsided way of looking at the world with no compassion for other people. She can do some really bad things, but they are just "fun". However, if anyone does anything to her, then no matter how minor, its outrageous and must be punished severely.

I saw a couple of examples of this on the online stuff. She'd been calling DD awful names persistently for about a year. Like every chance she got. And the mental imagery was both vivid and disgusting. However, one day about three weeks ago, she remembered that a few months earlier DD had retaliated by calling her a "bitch" once, so she spent an afternoon posting on social media everything she could think of to humiliate DD, then at the end she left a message explaining that it was for revenge because she had remembered how DD had called her a bitch several months earlier.

So, I doubt she'll let DD go easily, and I believe her mother has her back. However, I am hoping that the risk of being reported again will be enough to stop them. If it isn't, then I will have to involve the police and consider moving.

So, I doubt she'll let DD go easily, and I believe her mother has her back.

This is worrying. It's also worrying that your DD has previously denied that it was happening until it escalated to this point. I hope that, if things kick off again, she will tell you. My sister was bullied at school, and in the end she stopped telling as she didn't think it would make a difference Often victims don't tell - that is part of the damage bullies do to them.

I think you are handling this really upsetting situation just right OP, and I agree with kawliga's assessment of the situation. The other mother is in a rush to 'make it better' without, it would appear, genuine remorse.

Either that makes her control freak and a bully as kawliga suggests, or she's got no real understanding of how it might be for you or your DD.

Either way, it's not your job to make her feel better

Hi Sit

I am outraged on your behalf. I simply can not tolerate bullying of any kind. From what you have said I would guess that the apology was a token gesture done to appease the school and yourself. As a parent I would be absolutely furious with one of my children if I ever found out that they had been bullying another child. I would want to apologise for their behaviour and would want them to do the same. I can understand the parent may have wanted to do this but would have also realised that you and your child may have been through enough already if I had been told no. If you have explicitly requested that you and your child be left alone the parent and bully should respect that. Whilst the Tiger in me would want to send an email back, I think that would only add fuel to the fire, especially if you do involve the police. I would therefore pass it on to the school and reiterate that you have asked all communications be stopped but this has been ignored.
As for your DD, I think counselling might be a good idea. I wonder whether there is someone at school she can talk to. Make sure she knows you are there for her no matter what and that no matter how hard things are at school she can always talk to you (although I'm sure you have already :)). Also, is there an activity she can do to boost her confidence? Bullies seem to sap that out of people. Best of luck! Xxx

P.s. MyLocal, good on you!

Like mother, like daughter. Mother seems to be a bully too - demanding you jump to her tune and throwing toys out the pram when you don't.

The fact that she attempts to apportion blame on your daughter while underplaying her own daughter's involvement suggests that she does not want to "apologise" at all. She merely wants to be able to tell people that it was all a misunderstanding, that your daughter couldn't take a joke and was actually the one to blame (egg shell personality etc).

However, I don't think the police would see it that way so given you've already told the mother to stop all contact, I'd give all the evidence to the police (especially given this girl has assaulted your daughter in the past).

May also be worth speaking to a the police and then a solicitor about a cease and desist letter (may just scare the bejesus out of the mum and show her you mean business).

The mother is a bully, must be where the child learnt it from :(

The bully and her mother both sound vile.

I really hope she doesn't carry on. Sometimes after a show of force these people give up and look for 'easier prey', less defended prey... Writing that sounds horrible though! I guess I'm too cynical to believe that anyone who's conducted a year long assault campaign will have their core personality and values changed. I was bullied and the adults around me were completely 'powerless' to make it stop, which looking back means no one bothered enough to help me. Your Dd is now in a very different position, she has a strong mum behind her now, and the school.

I hope you can keep communication channels open between you and her - and make sure that no one (especially that bully) gets in the way.