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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

selfish wife

89 replies

Spendysusan · 22/03/2016 12:20

I've just had a huge row with my husband about the car as he thinks I'm selfish but I don't .... But I'm going to think that as I'm not going to back down ( mature individual that I am )
So now I'm thinking maybe I am selfish so I'll bore you all with the details and let you decide .

I was bought a car for Christmas to replace my other car as it was too small for family , I love new bigger car but it's my husbands choice as its his favourite car so obvs he drives it when he can which never happened with old small car . Not a problem as we are generally together on errands etc .
He has a big fancy van that's very comfortable that he uses for work and we use when we go out with all the kids (5 kids ) so I've been in long journeys in it and it's lovely .
Anyway yesterday I had a hair appt booked after having to cancel 2 times already (due to him)so greys down to my ears so was really looking forward to it and he promised to have kids also eldest was at football until 2 and needed dropping and picking up .
Get a phonecall Sunday to say he's going to London cancel my appt. as he needs the car . Point out eldest needs picking up says he will get a member of staff to pick him up ( owns own business but I don't think it's fair to get a bloke who is nice but son does not know to pick him up and to be honest isn't employed as a nanny )
So I say I'll take the kids to the hairdressers and he can take the van that way I can pick eldest up and get my hair done and he goes to London ( non urgent , could have been done over phone )
He says I'm selfish for not giving him the car and not cancelling my appt .
I'm not insured on the van even though I have said several times it would save arguments and I have to take a 7 mth old and 2 year old and buggys etc so pain in arse to get cabs .
But I do feel a bit petty as its hair and not a major thing but it's the only time I could fit it in and have cancelled already and I wanted to get eldest as they have a presentation at the end for parents to watch .

And I really really wanted my greys done .

OP posts:

VerySlovenly · 22/03/2016 16:20

SAHMs are allowed to own things!

Cabrinha · 22/03/2016 16:20

The accessorising suggestions are very funny - but Susan, I hope you weren't serious about going to Halfords for them. Don't play stupid games - sort this out.
If he were a bit selfish about using it but otherwise a great man, then yeah - pink steering wheel cover is a funny way to make a point.
But if you end up in blazing rows, he's repeatedly failed to put you on the van insurance, criticises your driving, is downright nasty about your hair to dig at you, and you've had to cancel things to run around him before... well, that's too serious to piss about with car eye lashes.

Jojoriley · 22/03/2016 16:30

It's incredible how people dive in and start abusing your husband and by association make you into a victim. I've found this is the way marital disputes are 'handled' here so first piece of advise: don't ask if there is any hint of nuance to your question. Surely the reason you've gone into such details is because it is a finely balanced argument? This is one of those unfortunate circs where difficulty over logistics has turned into hurt feelings because he called you selfish. But honestly please don't take on all the unjustified venom that is directed at your husband. I say find a way to fix the hair problem (get him to pay for taxi?) and move swiftly on vowing never again to open your self up to people vilifying your husband.

Original poster

Spendysusan · 22/03/2016 16:32

I meant to put that I am a stay at home mum not that's why it's not in my name . It is his car and he is that sort of person .
Since writing all this down I've realised that we do need to have a talk about this and it is dawning on me that I don't get much say in anything at all .
I'm not an idiot although I feel a bit like I'm coming across as one but I've mainly just been concentrating on the kids and generally just let things pass over as I can't be bothered with the almighty row / not talking . But it seems more and more things that I plan get fucked over and now the kids are going to school etc I'm starting to notice how little input I've got .
And his little bitchy remarks are getting more frequent .
I feel like I'm bypassed because I'm not bringing in money .

OP posts:

YakTriangle · 22/03/2016 16:34

Jojo, did you read any of the thread after the first post?

BabyGanoush · 22/03/2016 16:37

put yourself on the insurance for the van (takes one phone call, if DH is policy owner he could do it. He could do it today)

Fight against being helpless and playing second fiddle to "the important man of the house".

Cabrinha · 22/03/2016 16:37

Rarely is an answer 100% right, as we don't know the situation and history.

OP could be a pita princess (sorry OP!) with her own spin and a long suffering husband!

We can only go on what we read, and then it's up to any OP to pick out opinions and suggestions that are helpful to them.

Maybe the business meeting was more important than the OP realises, maybe the van wouldn't fit into a height restricted car park nearby and maybe OP was actually all martyred about giving up hair appointments and said it was fine. Then wanted to bitch about it. Who knows?

And maybe she really is a bad driver

Even wrong or over reactions are useful to an OP I think, as it can help them consider several angles.

FullMoonDiva · 22/03/2016 16:38

Op I'm a stay at home mum but all of my cars (I've had three since I passed my test, two old ones and my latest is a newish one) have all been in my name despite the fact that it's 'dh's' money (well family money but it's money that he earns I don't earn anything) that has paid for them.

Original poster

Spendysusan · 22/03/2016 16:40

I did need some outside perspective , he is a lovely dad , works hard , but can be childish if you met him you'd think he was mr wonderful which he can be .
I started the post to check that I wasn't just thinking from my side not his as I was whirring it over in my head and starting to think maybe I was a little selfish ( because it was hair )
When he stops pouting about the car I'll sit down and talk to him (and paint the car pink )

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2016 16:40

Yanbu at all, what an arse. Why can he not drive his van, the git!

YakTriangle · 22/03/2016 16:42

It was more the suggestion of getting him to pay for a taxi, after the hairdo had already happened that made me ask.

RhiWrites · 22/03/2016 16:42

So he puts himself and his needs first and he thinks you should put him and his needs first too.

How delightful.

Original poster

Spendysusan · 22/03/2016 16:46

Ha I'm not a shit driver but have curbed the alloys , I'd say I was ok.. Ish but I used to drive a sprinter so I'm ok in a van . I spoke to his family so I know it was just a meet up and lunch and I've been to their houses before so it's easy to park .
I can be a knob as well but I do say sorry if I'm wrong

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 22/03/2016 17:00

He lost me at "Get a phonecall Sunday to say he's going to London cancel my appt" who the actual hell does he think he is.

OP it seems like this is just an indication of how he is in general and I think you have some thinking to do.

Hope you're OK - it can be hard reading these threads sometimes when it's your life

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