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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

selfish wife

89 replies

Spendysusan · 22/03/2016 12:20

I've just had a huge row with my husband about the car as he thinks I'm selfish but I don't .... But I'm going to think that as I'm not going to back down ( mature individual that I am Wink)
So now I'm thinking maybe I am selfish so I'll bore you all with the details and let you decide .

I was bought a car for Christmas to replace my other car as it was too small for family , I love new bigger car but it's my husbands choice as its his favourite car so obvs he drives it when he can which never happened with old small car . Not a problem as we are generally together on errands etc .
He has a big fancy van that's very comfortable that he uses for work and we use when we go out with all the kids (5 kids ) so I've been in long journeys in it and it's lovely .
Anyway yesterday I had a hair appt booked after having to cancel 2 times already (due to him)so greys down to my ears so was really looking forward to it and he promised to have kids also eldest was at football until 2 and needed dropping and picking up .
Get a phonecall Sunday to say he's going to London cancel my appt. as he needs the car . Point out eldest needs picking up says he will get a member of staff to pick him up ( owns own business but I don't think it's fair to get a bloke who is nice but son does not know to pick him up and to be honest isn't employed as a nanny )
So I say I'll take the kids to the hairdressers and he can take the van that way I can pick eldest up and get my hair done and he goes to London ( non urgent , could have been done over phone )
He says I'm selfish for not giving him the car and not cancelling my appt .
I'm not insured on the van even though I have said several times it would save arguments and I have to take a 7 mth old and 2 year old and buggys etc so pain in arse to get cabs .
But I do feel a bit petty as its hair and not a major thing but it's the only time I could fit it in and have cancelled already and I wanted to get eldest as they have a presentation at the end for parents to watch .

And I really really wanted my greys done .

OP posts:
FullMoonDiva · 22/03/2016 13:41

Your not selfish, it's your bloody car who is he to tell you hes using it and not ask! And as for cancelling your appointment why is his appointments more important than yours?

My dh and I have our own cars, mine is mine and his is his. He uses mine for errands (mines petrol so better for short runs) and I could use his if I chose to but we ask each other and never assume it's okay. Hell even when his has been in garage for services or faults he has asked or I have offered my car for his use (works out of town so not easily commutable) and the last time his car broke down he booked a hire car without any need for me to say as I needed my car that week.

Your husbands an arse, and a selfish entitled one at that.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/03/2016 13:44

yep selfish. and a twat. him of course, not you,

RumAppleGinger · 22/03/2016 13:45

So he wants to leave a van that he can drive but you can't in favour of taking your car just because he fancies it, forcing you to take a taxi and expects you to cancel your plans as well.... And you're the selfish one?! Hmm

JessieMcJessie · 22/03/2016 13:48

Why can't he take the "van" on this trip? (I'm assuming it's a people carrier and not a transit as you drive the whole family around in it. )

What exactly is selfish about you not letting him drive his preferred vehicle to London?

That said, surely you weren't planning on taking 5 kids into the hairdresser with you?

slug · 22/03/2016 13:52

Time to take him off the insurance of your car then?

AyeAmarok · 22/03/2016 13:55

Selfish arse, your H.

CocktailQueen · 22/03/2016 13:55

Agree with everyone else! You are not the unreasonable one. Your appt was booked first - so you keep it! Your h sounds like a selfish, inconsiderate arse.

RhombusRiley · 22/03/2016 14:06

OK so he bought the car he wanted "for you" so that he could drive it when he likes and refuses to insure you on another available vehicle.

Then when you have a plan to use your car and do something for yourself he scuppers it. More than once.

He wants to have a nice trip to London in his favourite car and sod you, even though you were booked first.

What a twat. Good on you for standing up to it and having a row. He's being awful and throwing his weight around to prove he's top dog.

LionsLedge · 22/03/2016 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Msqueen33 · 22/03/2016 14:16

He's a prat and a selfish one at that.

I have to ask though what car is it?!

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 22/03/2016 14:17

Sell the new car, buy something you like and have it custom-sprayed pink with My Little Pony characters on it so your husband won't want to drive it.

angielou123 · 22/03/2016 14:19

Hold on, he's got a van but is in a mood because he wants your car? Tell him to fuck off. Get your hair done, it's not a biggie but important to us none the less. I have a similar situation going on at the mo, I wrote my car off about a month ago so I have fixed up my sons car (which was sitting on the drive with no battery and half an exhaust) to use. Now it's all done, he wants to drive it again. He was perfectly happy on his motorbike before, which he has now sold, and hadn't been near the car for at least a year. Now it's getting awkward when we both want to use it. Always some shit going on eh?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 22/03/2016 14:20

It's funny how very selfish people always call others selfish isn't it?

I suppose when you believe your proper place is above everyone else, and that others should be doing everything for you in order to keep the status quo... Then yes, people who step out of line will be seen as selfish. Nasty selfish wife-y.

Ugh. That's at him, not you!

xenapants · 22/03/2016 14:22

Wait, wait, why is everyone jumping on the "why is his appointment more important than yours" bandwagon? If he's going to London for work, which I presume he is, of course that trumps a hair appointment! Jeez. It's ridiculous to suggest otherwise. And depending on how far away from London the OP lives, driving all the way there in a van might be pretty hellish and also expensive.

That said, she should be on the insurance for the van so she has access to transport if he needs the car for work.

LionsLedge · 22/03/2016 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soggybottomnighmareband · 22/03/2016 14:23

Why does he think that he can use the only transport that you are insured for, when he has alternative available?

and please go to your appointment, he should not expect you to cancel your plans to suit him, he was already committed to picking up his child, so had no business making other arrangements.

JessieMcJessie · 22/03/2016 14:27

xenapants it's not an old works van. The OP said:

He has a big fancy van that's very comfortable that he uses for work and we use when we go out with all the kids (5 kids ) so I've been in long journeys in it and it's lovely .

We've read the OP, unlike you, that's why we are "jumping on the bandwagon".

RhombusRiley · 22/03/2016 14:28

It's not about whether hair is trivial or important. It's that it was something OP had planned for herself and he was lined up to help, and he has basically found a way to piss on her chips. OP has said the trip to London wasn't even necessary, and that he has caused her to put off hairdresser appointment twice already.

I'd be worried about this bloke. He wants to be in charge, he doesn't want OP to do something nice for herself, he doesn't want her to look and feel good, he wants to leave her tied down with kids and no car. Not trivial.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/03/2016 14:34

Ok, clarify a couple of things for me? I don't like to jump right in and start calling people dicks and twats.

Was it a business meeting your dh had? For the business that supports you and your family? Non urgent but why today? Was it the only time the other person had available? Was it the only time he could go without having to extend his day right into the evening etc? Why your car not the van? Did it seem more professional to use the car?

GarlicShake · 22/03/2016 14:50

Paul, I tend to assume OP is not a complete idiot and has considered these things before doubting that she is 'selfish'.

Plus, the husband has refused to insure her on the van. So he's knowingly leaving her without transport, despite a dully-functioning vehicle sitting unused while he swans off.

Because of his, he's going to ask a third party to pick up his child!

GarlicShake · 22/03/2016 14:51
  • fully-functioning - I don't know whether it's dull or exciting!
Original poster
Spendysusan · 22/03/2016 15:19

Sorry first time posting .. Only just worked app out because I'm just that good .
Thank you for all the replies it's made me feel better as I did go to my appt in the end ( only took the two youngest so but still bloody stressful ) others where doing things .
So to answer the questions
It was not a work related trip it was to see family about something nothing important it's just an excuse to go for a long fancy lunch if it was work I'd understand .
It's a bmw and it is comfortable and nice etc but if he was going to get weird and tight about it I'd rather have just kept my old car ( not being ungrateful but can't be bothered with the arguments and keeping it clean with all the kids )

The employee has worked for him for ages and often goes on random errands and is a v nice bloke but I know he panics when he does not know exactly where he's going , where to pick up so I wouldn't want to put it on him to pick our son up because there's about 300 kids doing various activities so I doubt he would find our son . I've mentioned before that I wouldn't want to do some of the things he does when employed to do something else but falls on deaf ears .
And to top it all off he said my hair now looks greasy and better before .. So he is being a massive twat now if he wasn't already before and it's actually just very shiny as its been brushed ..unlike most days .

OP posts:
Original poster
Spendysusan · 22/03/2016 15:20

Garlicshake it's actually a brilliant van and I'd love to drive it and pretend to be in the A team that's the annoying thing .

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2016 15:21

And to top it all off he said my hair now looks greasy and better before He is an enormous twunt. Is he normally?

VerySlovenly · 22/03/2016 15:28

ooooh, he's gone all passive-aggressive! You defied his wishes, you selfish wife you, and coincidentally the hairdresser he didn't want you to go to has made you look worse Wink