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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my mother being deliberaltely secretive or am I losing the plot.

26 replies

SecretsAndStuff21 · 21/03/2016 21:42

In a nutshell:
My mothers long term partners son left his pregnant girlfriend to hook up with a colleague.
Ex girlfriend had baby and DM and partner were supportive; regular visits etc.
I was eager to hear how she was doing and Mother was forthcoming with updates of mom and baby.
My daughter met them a few times and took lots of photos of her little girl.
I was so pleased she was coping well and sent assorted gifts via my mother.
This went on for a year; no feedback from baby's mom, didn't expect any.
About 6 weeks ago I had a massive bargain haul of gorgeous stuff for the baby, I passed it on to DM to give to her when she visited as wasn't suitable for her right now, but too good a bargain to pass on by.Some of the stuff was aged 3, and I asked if she would mind me sending this stuff as it
DM said she had posted it and said nothing more.
I then was told by my DD that this estranged girlfriend had had another baby.
I called my mom ( she never answers the phone now ?? only sends texts)
Mom actually phone to say she had " forgotten" to tell me this fact.
Thing is only a few months ago she mentioned this woman had met a chap and was taking things slowly.
DM is backtracking and telling me things were serious from the start. Am I going mad? Is DM gas lighting or what?

OP posts:

Original poster

SecretsAndStuff21 · 21/03/2016 22:14

I have to add that I have been asking about this woman on a fairly regular basis, at least 3 times a week.
No mention of new baby until my DD told me.
New baby is 12weeks old BTW.

OP posts:

missymayhemsmum · 21/03/2016 22:37

Sounds like your mum doesn't want to talk about her partner's son's ex girlfriend and her babies. Nor does the ex-girlfriend seem to want to talk to you. It was nice of you to be concerned about her, but maybe everyone has moved on?
I'd be more worried that your mum doesn't answer the phone, to be honest.

ScarletForYa · 21/03/2016 22:42

You seem a little over fixated on this woman. She's your Mother's boyfriend's son's ex, so no one to you really?

Nice to send a small gift initially but possibly a bit much to be sending a 'massive haul' to her? Maybe you're making her uncomfortable?

Monkey533 · 21/03/2016 22:45

3 times a week?

Birdsgottafly · 21/03/2016 22:51

She may be asking your Mum not to share information, which is perfectly valid.

It isn't in any shape or form, Gaslighting.

The Sons ex may not consider you family, in any way, which you aren't.

You haven't got a right to know what's going on in this woman's life and it sounds as though your Mum is being put in an awkward situation.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/03/2016 22:56

If you are asking about "this woman" 3 times a week I'm not surprised your mum's not answering the phone tbh. You do seem to have an unhealthy fixation on her. Your mother's boyfriend's son's ex? So a stranger really.

PatriciaHolm · 21/03/2016 22:56

Maybe your mother is trying to make a point that you are too involved. You are sending bundles of stuff to someone you aren't related to and haven't seen or spoken to in, what, 2 years? Back off! The woman is probably a bit freaked out by your persistence.

JanetOfTheApes · 21/03/2016 22:57

Maybe they are all just freaked out because you are asking about a woman who is really nobody to you, like all the time? She's your mothers boyfriends son's ex girlfriend....

Ihangmyknickersontheline · 21/03/2016 22:58

I agree, you do seem to be coming across a bit full on ....were you and partners sons girlfriend particularly good friends before ?

ThatAnneGirl · 21/03/2016 23:00

This woman has a new baby and a new part of her life is starting. She's moved on from the father of her first child, who left her for another woman.

Also, perhaps she doesn't want or need a load of stuff for a three year old when she is looking after a (roughly) six week old baby. Personally, I wouldn't have anywhere to put it.

TheCrumpettyTree · 21/03/2016 23:08

Why would you send a massive bargain haul? Maybe she wants to buy her own stuff.

Original poster

SecretsAndStuff21 · 22/03/2016 04:23

I mi
Ust clarity here. I used to speak to my mum 3X a week.
The massive haul is a bit of an exaggeration, and prior to this I bought just one tiny gift when the baby was born, so hardly full on.
My mother has become increasingly secretive about a lot of things lately, it worried me.
When I discover the facts,she usually tells me she thought she had told me.

Something else worth mentioning is that my DD has said that she thinks her GM iis,acting strangely and has expressed a wish not to see her over the Easter Holiday.

OP posts:

MartinaJ · 22/03/2016 04:44

Define strangely.

RochelleGoyle · 22/03/2016 04:47

Sorry OP but just above you said you 'sent assorted gifts'. Maybe the ex girlfriend has told your mum she doesn't appreciate your input and your mum is trying to protect you.

blueskyinmarch · 22/03/2016 06:58

I wonder if all the mums, partners, sons, ex stuff is clouding the main issue which is that you seem to be worried about your mum?

Or she is maybe avoiding you as you are becoming a bit too full on?

I think you need to put this woman and her children to the back of your mind, stop asking about her and accept that she is not part of your life.

curren · 22/03/2016 07:11

Got to be honest if my ex's, dads, partners, dd had such an interest in my life I would find it odd.

It's not gas lighting. Your mum is just not talking about it. Which is fair enough. It's not really any of her business. She is contact with the ex because the child is her partners grandchild.

Maybe she is having the grandchild to stay at Easter and the ex has requested you don't know.

Your interest in her is quite unusual and a bit unsettling.

Maybe there is something going on with your mum. I can't say wether you should be concerned.

She is an adult and can decide what information she shares about people.

Why does it bother you so much that you don't know everything that is going on?

FeckOfffCup · 22/03/2016 07:45

You say you send assorted gifts via your mother over the space of a year, and you ask about her at least three times a week?
you sound slightly obsessed with this woman tbh.
Maybe your mum just isn't as interested in her as you are? There's no reason why she should be really - it's her stepsons ex gf. Maybe she's trying to stay out of all the dramas

WellErrr · 22/03/2016 07:53

Sounds like you are over invested.

redskirt3 · 22/03/2016 07:57

How old is your mum? Could she be having some memory loss?

EponasWildDaughter · 22/03/2016 08:12

''My mother has become increasingly secretive about a lot of things lately, it worried me. When I discover the facts,she usually tells me she thought she had told me.''

I hate to say this, but my mother could say exactly this about me. The reason i'm being like this is because i am keeping her at arms length on purpose lately. No point in going into why here. Long story.

Either your mum has memory issues or she is deliberately being vague. Can you be more specific here about what she's saying/doing which is worrying you?

WipsGlitter · 22/03/2016 08:19

Forget about the partners sons ex. Stop asking about her. I'm sure she's thinking WTAF about the presents etc.

How long has your mum been with her partner? Are you seeing her less than before? Maybe your mum just wants some space from you?

scarlets · 22/03/2016 09:05

I would back off a bit. Talk to her about things other than this woman.

Original poster

SecretsAndStuff21 · 22/03/2016 09:44

I'm certainly not obsessed with this woman. My DD and her cousins call mothers partner grandad.
I suppose I thought of her as family.
DM visits her every few months.
My DM has been acting out of character for a while.
This particular situation just highlights this.
I get the impression DM has sort of pigeon holed her friends and family, keeping us at some distance,so she can pull all the strings.
She does this with my siblings.
I am concerned that she might have memory problems.It's scary because she was always the person to remind me of important events.

OP posts:

xenapants · 22/03/2016 09:49

So she's your mother's partner's son's ex girlfriend of more than a year? How in god's name is this any of your business (or indeed your mother's)?

Original poster

SecretsAndStuff21 · 22/03/2016 10:01

My mother has been with her partner for 30 years. Sorry I should have realised that my definition of family is warped in some peoples minds.
I am going to distance myself from my DM and her DP. It's clear that although my intentions were good, I have to realise that they don't want me to be a part of their life.
It's sad because my DD,refers to the baby as her cousin and loves to look at little outfits and toys for them.

OP posts:

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