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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party exclusion has upset me, AIBU?

90 replies

Tessabelle74 · 21/03/2016 20:12

My 4 year old ds is in a small class of 25, today 20 of those classmates got a party invitation but my son and 4 others haven't due to "number restrictions" now to me it's mean to invite 80% of the class as it'll be the talk of the classroom and painfully obvious to 5 they're not included! I personally would have picked a venue I could get them all in or just picked girls or boys etc. AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Peanuts2000 · 21/03/2016 22:12

YANBU when it's only five kids not being invited. I invited all the kids in the class to DS party, not everyone came. Some people only invited the boys or girls which is fine. He will get invited to lots of parties in the future, don't worry but it's very thoughtless what they have done.

Original poster
Tessabelle74 · 21/03/2016 22:20

My friend's son is also in the class and she's good friends with the party parent, she has told my friend that she's only invited 20 due to number restrictions

OP posts:
chillycurtains · 21/03/2016 22:26

YANBU but you will need to develop thicker skin as it happens all the time. And sadly I find it doesn't hurt any less each time but you will brush it off quicker each time. I'm really sorry for your DS and you. Flowers

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 21/03/2016 22:38

I am afraid it gets worse when they get older and the party goers plaster photos all over social media. This happened to my 13 year old and at this age it is really upsetting if they have been the one left out.

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/03/2016 22:50

"she has told my friend that she's only invited 20 due to number restrictions"

So the children haven't said anything. I don't think you should mention it then, unless your DC does (and even then, downplay it).

As your friend describes it, it really does sound like a 'numbers' thing, not an 'exclusion' thing ... so really no big deal.

You could always invite one or two of the other 4 to play that weekend, so they has something to talk about on Monday (or even get all 5 together ... or would that be too 'obvious'?), but in your shoes, I probably wouldn't bother.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/03/2016 23:07

Ooooh Dd has just given out her invites today. I'm now having a panic that I've broken a rule. I thought we were fine but there were some last minute additions which may have messed things up.

Ok.....

24 invites. 4 are non school people. So that leaves 20.

She is in a class of 30 - 17 girls, 13 boys (I think!) Year of 90 and they get changed around each year so they all have cross class friendships.

Of the 20, 3 are boys (so 3/13 OK) so that leaves 17.

I think that of the remaining 17, 9 are in one of other of the other classes. I think there is at least a couple in each of the other classes so no more than 7 girls in each of the other classes. So that's ok.

Leaves 8 of the 16 girls (who are not her) invited from her class.

So I think that we are ok. Just. Although she did mutter something about someone leaving or having left last week. Bugger. Bad mother. Going to hell.

One girl (who she is vaguely friendly with but not particularly) did ask why she wasn't invited. Luckily she had be primed with "I wanted to invite everybody but there isn't enough space" so she had an answer.

RockUnit · 21/03/2016 23:12

YANBU. Leaving out a small minority from the class isn't kind.

Zipitydooda · 21/03/2016 23:14

It does hurt when your child is excluded. I had the same this week with DS in reception. Invites handed out at the classroom door to all the boys except DS. He unfortunately did notice because all the boys were waving them around excitedly. It's a bit crushing when your DS who is a sweet and likeable child looks at you with a sad face and asks why he didn't get an invite and you have no idea why?
Yes, he'll get over it and it will all be forgotten (by him at least) but it's so mean and I really want to know why just him excluded?

BackforGood · 21/03/2016 23:22

she has told my friend that she's only invited 20 due to number restrictions

Right, so you are going on 2nd hand info
The dc aren't bothered - possibly not even aware
You are jumping to conclusions that those 20 are from the class. It could be only 10 from the class and others being family or friends from elsewhere.

You really are over invested in this.
If your dc is invited to a party, then you decide if they are going or not and take them or don't. If they don't get an invitation then don't give it head space - it's only you getting your knickers in a twist, not your ds (from what you've posted).

Italiangreyhound · 21/03/2016 23:41

Not a great thing to do when the kids first start and the mums and dads really do not know who the kids will end up being friends with anyway.

Try not to make it a big deal for your child, it may not be the talk of the class. It really depends whether the party is any good, what kids like and what adults think kids like varies a lot!

My only other advice is if/when your child has a party don't exclude this child if you child wants them to come along. It's not their fault their parent is thought less!

luciole15 · 22/03/2016 00:00

As a PP has said, arrange something fab for the 5 who weren't invited.

RubbleBubble00 · 22/03/2016 00:13

Zipity - that's awful. At least they could be subtle and stick them in their bags - I would have struggled with that one and I am thick skinned

Original poster
Tessabelle74 · 22/03/2016 00:13

It's second hand info but correct, the party mum has said 20 from the class are invited

OP posts:
Earlyday · 22/03/2016 00:17

Yes I would needanewjob

My older DS has aspergers so I know how hurtful it is to be excluded. I couldn't bring myself to leave out a small few children like that - absolutely not.

My younger son DS2 is very social and plays with lots of little boys in his class. When DS2 had his party I made sure to include the little boys who he's not as friendly with. I had the party in a venue that could accommodate everyone. The alternative would have been a much smaller party.

CrazyDuchess · 22/03/2016 02:07

I don't get why people who don't invite the whole class are "mean" or "just cunts"

Your kids don't have to get invited anywhere - no one is entitled to an invite and you have to teach your kids early that yes whilst may be disappointing no one has done anything wrong.

RockUnit · 22/03/2016 02:50

Crazy it's not a problem to not invite the whole class. But it's not very thoughtful to invite nearly all the class and leave out a very small number.

CrazyDuchess · 22/03/2016 02:58

But again why??? I just think it's ridiculous and setting up children to become entitled who get upset over something they have no control over.

Why must it be all or nothing?? Or change plans to accommodate a class (where there probably won't be 100% turn out) as opposed to doing something your own child wants??

And if there is restrictions why is that not a good enough reason??

Wedding - can totally get the hurt, but a 4yr old party??!!?? Confused

linzm1985 · 22/03/2016 03:05

I have a 3 year old and a 4 year old, who both go to nursery together. Last week, DD aged 4 got a party invitation but the other one didn't. They shall both be attending :)

RockUnit · 22/03/2016 03:08

I don't think 4 year old children will understand why (for example) 28 other children were chosen and they were the only one left out. They may well take it very personally and wonder what they've done wrong or why they're now the least wanted person in the class. That's not because they are "entitled", it's because being excluded from a group is hurtful. It's natural to want to belong.

Even an adult might be a bit upset if nearly everyone else at work/in their family/in one of their social groups got invited to something and they didn't. That's often something that comes up in AIBU.

CrazyDuchess · 22/03/2016 03:13

Really - a 4 year old will identify that they have been isolated and take it personally and wonder what they have done wrong?? Or

They get over it very quickly especially when parents remind them it's not a big deal and we are going to do something else instead.

I am sorry I don't think 4 year old dwell on these this especially, the only person truly upset in this scenario is the parent. Again ridiculous.

I get an adult feeling hurt being left out of a social scenarios but adults and children are very different in terms of emotional maturity. 4 year old don't dwell, hold grudges or over analyse the invitees intention - that is all the adult.

anklebitersmum · 22/03/2016 04:51

I agree Crazy

As a parent it's all about how you handle these minor social bumps in the road.

There have been parties that were promised but never materialised and of course not having been invited when the biters were 4 or 5yrs old and beyond.I explained the first and second and third time that, in the same way as DC can not invite everyone, neither can the other children. It's that simple. I have genuinely never experienced a biter being the only child not invited.

We don't do 'whole class' parties. I don't want the whole class in my house and I certainly don't want to pay for 25-30 children, most of whom my DC doesn't play with regularly at an expensive venue. people must have more money than sense

I'm not mean, we're just not loaded and I don't think it does the biters any harm to actively make a choice about who they take on a special treat or have round for a party. Or to learn that they may not be everybody's favourite friend and that's OK.

Original poster
Tessabelle74 · 22/03/2016 06:33

To clarify, the title does say upset ME.if it was the first party he'd not been invited to I'd be ok, as indeed I was, but as I said it's the third and now feels purposeful. My kids are in no way "entitled" and actually my ds knows nothing about any of the parties he wasn't involved in as I've not made a big thing of them!

OP posts:
mummytime · 22/03/2016 06:33

Crazy - you don't have to invite the whole class, that is perfectly okay. It is mean to invite nearly the whole class, that is leave out 1-5 unless that number is 1/4 to 1/3 of the class or more. (So if you had a class of 8, inviting only 4 would be fine.) Similarly for invites for "just the girls" or "just the boys", leaving a small percentage out seems like "selecting the few you don't like" rather than "selecting your friends".

And children might not mention it - but still notice and be upset. My DD was fine all year of not being invited, until towards her own birthday at the end when she finally asked "Why hasn't anyone invited me to their party this year?" I had hoped she hadn't noticed.

curren · 22/03/2016 06:38

I think Yabu.

Sorry but I wouldn't make DS change the party he wanted, because the whole class couldn't be accommodated.

I wouldn't make him exclude his friends from home so we could fit the whole class on either.

Ds hasn't been invited to several parties this year. I genuinely don't get why it upsets people so much. If your child never gets invited, or is the only one left out fair enough.

But I can't judge a parent for having the party their child wants.

RidersOnTheStorm · 22/03/2016 06:43

YABU.

DC wants a particular type of party, it's their birthday so why not give them what they really want?

Numbers are restricted to 20, not by the parents, but by the venue. It costs the same whether you invite 10 or 20. Daft not to use all the places.

No way should the birthday child have to choose something he/she wants less just because a fifth of the class can't go.