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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party exclusion has upset me, AIBU?

90 replies

Tessabelle74 · 21/03/2016 20:12

My 4 year old ds is in a small class of 25, today 20 of those classmates got a party invitation but my son and 4 others haven't due to "number restrictions" now to me it's mean to invite 80% of the class as it'll be the talk of the classroom and painfully obvious to 5 they're not included! I personally would have picked a venue I could get them all in or just picked girls or boys etc. AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 21/03/2016 20:42

YANBU not to feel a bit sad for your DS. I think it's bad form. But he'll get over it, and so should you.

Original poster
Tessabelle74 · 21/03/2016 20:51

I have an 8 year old in year three and have never had this before. We've had boy/girl invites or half a class etc but never such a small number excluded. The invites are put in school bags so he's unaware at the moment but it's the third party he's not been invited to now so he's going to notice sooner or later 😢

OP posts:
needanewjob · 21/03/2016 20:57

I had to post. Mainly because I guess I'm guilty of doing something very similar today. My ds really wanted a gymnastics party so we booked it and yes numbers are limited. As a result we couldn't invite everyone in his class. So I asked him to list who he plays with and who he really doesn't. Yes it's not ideal and I would have preferred to have invited everyone but it wasn't possible in this case. It's not a vendetta against the children not invited, merely a practicality issue.

Cabbagedcrust · 21/03/2016 21:02

I work in a reception class and giving out party invitations can be brutal! Don't take it personally, there will come a time when your child is invited over others. I've also been the parent of the left out child on many occasions and it isn't a nice feeling. Trust me it's not the end of the world, suck it up and move on!!

RunnerOnTheRun · 21/03/2016 21:04

Hey, one less present to buy and wrap that will only get put in their recycled presents drawer.

Parties don't get talked about at school, honestly. Many more years of this to come and just remember now you have to invite all children to every party for the next 6 years, or you'll be doing the same thing.

livingthegoodlife · 21/03/2016 21:05

really tough, but i suspect it was due to limits on numbers rather than anything else.

i have had the opposite problem this weekend. it was my sons 4th birthday and his first 'real' party. we had 8 declines and then 3 no-shows. we ended up with 4 guests plus my kids. only just enough to call it a party. don't know what i did wrong?

Only1scoop · 21/03/2016 21:12

How do you know about excluded kids and numbers Op?

PuckyMup · 21/03/2016 21:14

"My daughter wanted a gymnastics party - she could only invite 20 kids. Should she miss out because the whole class can't me involved?? All 39 would never have turned up anyways."

Not the point of this thread - 19 left out is almost half the class - no big deal.

Its the excluding 1 or 2 (or in this case 5 but still a small number left) that might be due to numbers but looks like (to parents and the children involved) that its personal. It probably isn't but its hard not to wonder

PuckyMup · 21/03/2016 21:15

Sorry - "not the point of this thread" sounds really rude - I don't mean it like that. I mean its not the same reason the OP is upset

Original poster
Tessabelle74 · 21/03/2016 21:17

I'm aware that whole class parties aren't always practical, I've even had parties with limited numbers of 10, but 20 out of 25 seems odd to me

OP posts:
Earlyday · 21/03/2016 21:18

I think that was a mean thing to do to leave out a small few.

If I was the parent of the party child I'd change the venue to accommodate more - or I'd have a smaller party.

I wouldn't care if my 4 yr old had their heart set on a particular venue. They'll get over it. You have to balance giving your child what they want with not upsetting other small children.

needanewjob · 21/03/2016 21:22

Early day Hmm so rather than your child have the birthday party they've specifically asked for you would make them change it so that children they don't play with can come too...

scarlets · 21/03/2016 21:22

I think that in a class of 30, you'd either invite all of them, or fewer than 20.

MrsOs · 21/03/2016 21:29

When we had my sons 3rd party i only had space for 20 kids total. We had family coming and a few friends so had about space for about 13 kids from nursery so we picked those he was closest too. There are so many kids at nursery we couldnt have had them all. I must admit if it was a few kids more i would have worked something out to include them all. We didnt invite those he rarely plays with.

HumphreyCobblers · 21/03/2016 21:32

I think it is rather mean to do this. Just leaving a few out is horrid.

SisterConcepta · 21/03/2016 21:41

No YANBU, to leave out 5 kids and invite 20 is pretty mean spirited

Ambroxide · 21/03/2016 21:45

Yes, this is mean. With my daughter who is in Y4, I tell her she can have a big party (so half the class, currently 32 so 16 or a few less) or she can have a small party (which to me means inviting 7 or 5 kids so there is an even number at the party and even numbers but we can do something a bit more expensive than we can with half the class). Leaving 5 kids out is just nasty.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/03/2016 21:51

Of course it's mean when you think about it. But some people make mistakes and don't quite get the party etiquette. A few are thoughtless and an even tinier few are cunts and don't care.

Member251061 · 21/03/2016 21:58

It is horrible & I don't blame you for feeling like that. I think as parents we probably feel worse than our children in situations like this. Just make sure you do something special on the day of the party so your child can 'show & tell' the class about it! Don't let the thoughtlessness of others stop you from doing the kind/right thing.

ProphetOfDoom · 21/03/2016 21:59

It is unkind just to omit a handful. YANBU but try not to take it to heart.

DS3 is much younger than most of his classmates, didn't attend the preschool nor am I part of the active social clique for that group - all of which are factors. Do you think something like that is at play?

Dc3 is unaware, attends whole class parties & in a few years the class parties get smaller as they self-select friends. I think parents are more invested than the dcs: I was in assembly this week and they bring up the birthday children. One girl in dc2's class listed all the girls who would be going to her sleepover - most of dc2's friends but not dc2 - and I felt a pang for her - but dc2 moves between friendship groups nor particularly enjoys sleepovers as she feels rubbish the next day - so I don't think she was at all bothered!

Madhouse05 · 21/03/2016 22:03

Ohhhh - and I'm the mean Mum!! Have always previously done the whole class/all the girls thing but this year have been stumped.... Last year we were pretty skint for spare cash and time so I told DCs that if they forwent parties they could have something special this year. Anyway dc2 has this year chosen something mega expensive (£20 a head without food!) and with a max number. On top of this there has been an influx of new girls to her class (there used to just be 6 of them!)...so out of the 11 we are just taking 8. YES - I feel dreadful about those 3 BUT they have all previously left my dc2 off their lists (2 wrongs don't make a right I know) and I am going to try and hand out the invites 'on the quiet' so there is not a 'to do' in class!! Urghh... and I was just assuaging my guilt!!

mummytime · 21/03/2016 22:06

YANBU -its a horrible thing to do.

Leaving some out is fine, but then imho you shouldn't invite more than 1/2 the class.

I would also talk to the teacher and see if you can find out "why" he keeps being left out. Does he need more help with social skills?

Finally you don't have 12 more years of this. Parties start to be far more selective and less of a problem by year 3/4. And certainly by secondary parties are the exception more than the rule; and by 14/15/16 you might be very pleased by every party your DC isn't invited to.

shazzarooney99 · 21/03/2016 22:08

How can people say its unkind?how do you know how much money these people have? or what they're circumstances are? That's unkind surely to judge?

Phalenopsisgirl · 21/03/2016 22:08

Oh that is a bit rubbish of the parents. We have always either done the whole class or once a much smaller group meaning over half of children not receiving an invite and chosen the venue to suit, its not difficult to be thoughtful and do this, I know there is no such thing as a right to be invited to parties but personally I think it poor form to instigate a situation where a couple of children will feel hurt and excluded, no excuses about number/ financial restrictions will cut it with me. Either be inclusive or have a much much smaller selective friendship group type event.

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/03/2016 22:11

Like Only1scoop, I too am curious as to how you know exactly how many were invited, and which 4 (5 with your own) children were not invited, OP.

Are the children talking about it in such detail? (Would suggest that it is already bothering the 5 a lot, if they wee talking about it that much).

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