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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 23/03/2016 00:34

As much as it pains me to say it, OW does have a point about successful people cheating and getting away with it.

It is far easier to cheat if you have a job/lifestyle that enables it. Money not an issue? No one checks the CC statement too closely. Always travelled for work/worked late? No one questions it when you announce yet another trip/all nighter.

And lets face it, if someone is going to chase the money, they are not going to be too concerned about the marital status of the person with the money are they? ITs been proven many times that people who have sociopathic tendencies are more successfu in business because of a lack of empathy and a mercenary attitude. That same type of person is also likely to target a partner with no regard to their current relationship status.

roundaboutthetown · 23/03/2016 00:36

Having worked for several years in the City, the conclusion I came to was that it was not a good place to find a husband. Twat was generally the thought that sprang to mind - certainly far more often than witty or charming! I just can't find someone witty or charming when I have heard them phone their wife with an excuse about work so that they can fuck around, instead of putting their children to bed, or when they think the word no is just a come on or a challenge. It was an utterly unreal environment, from which the very young, very old and the vulnerable were carved out of the environment altogether, insulating its workers from the effects of their actions on the wider world. So good luck to you,AnotherOW , if you think you are going to find a good marriage prospect in that environment, rather than a gold plated twat, because in my experience, the City is stuffed full of far too many of the latter, and they pull a good few of the less obnoxious down with them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/03/2016 00:41

Just caught up with this and AnotherOW's cynical take on men - I don't think she's that far wrong though. Of course not ALL men fit into her belief pattern, but a lot do, sadly. And women too.

We're not swans.

TheSinkingFeeling · 23/03/2016 00:46

AnotherOW, if you've name changed then I can guess you normal username. You both share the same obvious entitlement.

sofato5miles · 23/03/2016 06:31

I agree with Another. We've worked and lived in many cities and husband in banking and I am in the civil service. We see alot of infidelity, though lawyers (men and women) are out and out the worst. They are all shagging people other than their spouses. They often married mid twenties to their uni sweetheart and then set about building careers. Babies came, woman back to work quickly. They feel dynamic and ambitious: chasing deals and sex. Very much having their cake and eating it. Often philanthropists and interesting people whose company we enjoy, their sex lives are not my problem. Though there are nuances and discretion has to be obeyed. No-one should be openly humiliated.

Opportunity appears is the strongest reason and being a 'catch' certainly sets you up nicely for a bit on the side.

Incidentally, I know as many women and men who have definitely had affairs but more men that have had one night stands.

If my husband had a brief affair, I do not want to know, mistakes can be forgiven. If he has an affair that threatened our marriage in that he wanted things to change, I would be furious. Our marriage is more than sexual fidelity and is important to me, our children, our community. I know he feels the same. He is also my best friend, make of that what you will.

And I didn't name change, though I am likely to after this!

roundaboutthetown · 23/03/2016 07:56

You have an odd idea of discretion, sofa - my general experience was that rather a lot of people were fully aware of it, so you would be marrying someone knowing their work colleagues knew one hell of a lot more about your dp's sex life than you did. I'm also not sure why you refer to "mistakes" as they are choices, not mistakes.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2016 08:35

sofa is entitled to refer to them as 'mistakes' if that is what she sees them as, under her circumstances. It doesn't matter whether you're sure why she refers to them as that or not roundabout.

I don't agree with all AnotherOW's points but much of what she says does strike a chord. There are a LOT of women (and men) who are astonished that their partner has cheated, saying that 'they're just not the type'. There isn't a type and to try to pigeon-hole people into this category or that category is no kind of talisman against infidelity and it just sounds a bit foolish.

I can see why posters are calling 'goady fucker' because it's an uncomfortable standpoint to read what AnotherOW is saying. But, since when did having an alternative viewpoint on MN make you a GF? Confused

dilys4trevor · 23/03/2016 08:42

There of course are men who wouldn't cheat! Good looking, successful and likeable men, as well as lesser 'catches'. I know lots of them. They just aren't wired that way. It isn't always just about being moral though; it's often about having a brain. Normal, sensible people get tempted too, but many think ahead to the likely consequences and think again. Especially if they are married to self respecting, strong women who they know would eject them immediately.

But among cheaters, I do agree that lack of opportunity is sometimes repackaged as morality or reformation.

I have a friend whose husband used to hold a very senior position in a hugely famous firm. She met him there when he was married and became the OW. His wife was on one continent (they had three kids) and he on another, with lots of access to young trainees and attractive women, far from home. He thrived on attention and excitement.

My friend became permanent and later married him and, because of their work, they were often living in different countries again. He had a number of affairs, most of which she discovered, but she suspected more. They split and got back together. Two years ago he got fired and since then has not really worked. He certainly doesn't have the access he used to to young women and his status has gone. This coincided with the birth of twins and a move to a house in a relatively remote area.

My friend still works in another country to him but feels like he would not cheat now because of the twins. I think she is right about the not cheating, but more because the opportunity is completely gone and he is now an unemployed man in his 50s! The closest thing he gets to young women is the one who works in the local supermarket. It's a good thing ultimately for her (she loves him and he provides stability) but it's circumstantial, I fear.

Marynary · 23/03/2016 08:44

I certainly know men like those described by OW and wouldn't be at all surprised if most of those who work in the city are like that. It attracts certain personalities and has little to do with being attractive.
It is a shame it has made you so jaded though OW, particularly as you sound quite young.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2016 08:48

I'm going to pick up a point of AnotherOW's though and turn it slightly... she says that looks/money increases the likelihood of another woman pursuing him - and I think she's right about that. A certain type of woman who is looking for that.

But, if I think about most of the men I know/work with, these are not city types - not beer-drinking types either - but what you would call ordinary family-men. I have seen these family men have affairs and actually fall for the OW in question and leave their wives for them as they are possibly not 'flings' but longer-term relationships, where feelings develop, outside of their primary relationships.

So in my opinion, It's not the glitter and glamour events that bring marriages crashing down, it is the 'you'd never have thought he would do that' men (and women) and I suspect it is these marriages that are put most at risk and are the ones that are so prevalent on the relationships board.

roundaboutthetown · 23/03/2016 08:50

LyingWitch - the behaviour sofa described, "chasing deals and sex" and having rules of discretion is self evidently a behaviour of choice, not a mistake.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2016 08:53

roundabout... Well, I don't always use the green cross code when I'm crossing the road, sometimes I run without looking - a choice for sure but an event would lead me to call it one hell of a mistake.

Horses for courses. I too see affairs as 'mistakes' in that the foreseeable risks aren't foremost in the mind and people make foolish and wrong decisions.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 23/03/2016 08:56

My Dh is good looking and successful.

He has a niche, sporty hobby of which I have no interest. He spends days/weekends away doing this hobby. I'm sure sometimes there will be women there doing the hobby. Never asked.

Wouldn't cross my mind to tell him he couldn't go.

However I wouldn't be very happy if he wanted to meet a female from the hobby for lunch, if it was a group of them meeting for lunch then fine. I don't think I'm sticking my head in the sand. If he chooses to cheat then he's someone I couldn't give a shit about. I'm not going to spend my life trying to remove him from temptation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2016 09:05

roundabout, I think we might have been talking at cross purposes - sofa was talking about if her husband had a brief affair - that's what I would term as a 'mistake', not her earlier point in the post about the city types actively chasing sex... I agree, that isn't a mistake, it's pre-emptory and calculated.

Sorry, I should have read the whole post back first.

grapejuicerocks · 23/03/2016 09:34

I think that there is a good chance that one or other of them, or both, is wanting more than just friendship.
Shared hobby okish, change of plans not so much.

TransvisionTramp · 23/03/2016 09:36

Is the OP ever going to come back to this? It's been a while.
I keep watching to see if she is not made up alright.

Katarzyna79 · 23/03/2016 09:37

lots of fascinating and weird views here. im old fashioned i guess never had male friends, always encouraged to keep female friends. I think even the best of friends of op genders sooner or later develop feelings for each other. Or 1 does and keeps a lid on it. I wouldnt have a prob being friends with a gay man but i reckon my family and husband still would lol

My husband grew up the same way so he doesnt have female friends. If he did snd they went out as a group i wouldnt care but 1 on 1 i would, i know hed be jealous if i did that.

I agree with whothefuckissimon i wouldnt be snooping around either or dwellingon it. if hes up to no good ill find out sooner or later then i'll kick him out. I wouldnt invest my time on paranoia too busy with more important things.

OVienna · 23/03/2016 09:43

Transvision she is probably really freaked out, if it's her first thread, that it got featured on a Mumsnet email that went round. At that time over 13K views, who knows how many now. So much for 'anonymous internet forum.'

I'd probably be trying to get it deleted, if it were me!

OnlyLovers · 23/03/2016 10:46

I wouldnt have a prob being friends with a gay man but i reckon my family and husband still would lol

Not sure what the fuck that means.

RiverTam · 23/03/2016 10:58

I wondered that! What the fuck is 'lol' about someone's husband or family objecting to a women being friends with a gay man (or any man, or anybody' for that matter)?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2016 11:09

Ill-advised humour possibly but not difficult to 'get' really, is it?

OnlyLovers · 23/03/2016 11:13

Lying, I think you know what River and I mean. Not that we don't 'get' it as in understand, but as in 'what the actual fuck are you laughing at that for?'

TransvisionTramp · 23/03/2016 11:35

Good point OVienna Maybe we'll never know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2016 11:57

Yes, OnlyLovers, I do know what you meant. It wasn't funny which is why I said 'ill-advised' humour. Is it worth making a Point about? I could see a raft of outraged posts following... for a stupid comment, probably regretted.

I have been known to make stupid, thoughtless comments myself and then kicked myself immediately afterwards. I like to think that poster meant nothing by it and is now suitably chagrined.

OnlyLovers · 23/03/2016 12:00

it worth making a Point about? I thought so, yes.

I could see a raft of outraged posts following Two.

I like to think that poster meant nothing by it and is now suitably chagrined.

Well, we don't know, do we.

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