AIBU to be frightened of my child having a disability that runs in the family

[daffodilsoverthebridge]

Opinion seems to be divided as to whether or not it is genetic and there's no prenatal screening.

I am now in the awful position where I want a baby but am petrified of passing it down. W

If we all thought about it too much I don't believe anyone would ever even have kids, personally. The loss of independence and sleep etc.

I'm not sure where else would be best Kinn!

Children with autism are also rewarding and lovable, although there can be hard hard issues too.

I fully agree with this

One thing I will say is if you have a child and it has a disability you still love it just as much as you would otherwise. It's not like a disappointment in the child itself

Only you can decide really - Ds1 and 2 both have a disability but not the same one. They are not disabilities which you can screen for but any other baby I had was at an inflated risk of having either or both. I really, really wanted a third child and spent 3 years thinking it all through.

It was a massive decision as I knew if a third child was affected, it could put an unbearable strain on an already overstretched family. My parents really didn't want me too have another and were quite vocal about it.

In the end, I decided that I would cope if it came to it, DH and I have a strong marriage and we would pull together.

So I went for it, knowing if dc3 had a disability, especially ds2's, we would be very upset, but that we would cope.

In the end, our 3rd baby is 2 and developing normally. I'm so glad we did it, but I still see what we did as part informed choice, part gamble.

Good luck with your decision.

Fanjo. It doesn't sound harsh you're being honest. And it's tough beyond belief to make that decision I imagine. I expect you will have to go through a big Mourning process daffodils. Isn't there any support out there - counselling to help you make the right decision for you?

OP I meant maybe you might get better responses on Chat or on one of the health/SN boards. IME people can be thoughtful and kinder on there.

my son is quite severly autistic he has a chromosomal deletion that is thought to be the underlying cause of his autism and learning disabillities it hasent been inherited from either me or his dad its just random we couldnt have tested for it before birth. i love both my boys more than anything and i dont regret anything he has a good quality of life, but i wouldnt choose this .

I definitely think if you are looking at it as a gamble and a child with autism is the losing outcome you shouldn't do it.

It's easy to unintentionally offend with threads like this Kinn and I thought this might be easier glossed over on here.

I love my relative with this disability but oh my he is unhappy. To do that to a child, I don't know...

I understand your fears I have a dd with AS. No one can give you any guarantees or tell you what life will be like for you and your child if he/she has the condition and to what degree.
I know thats zero help to you.
Dd leads quite an independant life as she is high functioning. Very intense interests and one does get glassy eyed listening to medical treatments used in the 1880s over and over.

My child is happiest child I know. But won't be independent. All children on spectrum are different, which doesn't help.

I'm sorry, OP.

Speaking in part from the other side (as someone who has lived with lifelong health issues and disabilities), the question for me becomes "is my quality of life sufficient to justify the suffering I'm living with?" or in other words "am I glad to have been born, or do I wish I had never been born?" I don't know what your relative would answer, nor whether he has the cognitive ability to consider such questions.

And I don't begin to know how one might make that decision on behalf of a hypothetical and hypothetically-disabled child. But what I did was to try and think about what resources and support I had to make life as meaningful and comfortable as possible for any potentially disabled child.

Mine too Fanjo hes very happy ,hardwork , but very loving but like your child he will never be independent.

It will, probably get more offensive in AIBU as people can be insensitive and err forthright, but not your fault.

In fact am off to hide thread for a bit, sensitive subject needs taken in small doses . Hope people are sensitive on it and you get some answers

daffodil There is a prevelence for a rather non happy disposition amongst the AS ASC community. This is very often not the case.

I am so glad I had DD, FWIW

I think that might be best Fanjo if it's likely to upset as I am in the uncomfortable position of wishing to be honest but not wishing to cause upset.

It's best for me but probably not best for you as I think you need some opinions from people who have experience of it so it wouldn't be great if we all hid it.

If you just want answers from people saying they agree and wouldn't have a child with autism that is maybe your answer? Not meaning to be harsh just trying to help.

I don't think you will offend if you are honest and sensitive,. Was others I was worried about.

Anyway will check in later. Maybe.

(Am not offended)

Yes you will have plenty of people who have children of whatever disability telling you love us all you need. And that you get on a cope (mostly)

You can have a wonderful life and your child with a disability can have have a wonderful life (usually but honestly not always). But that's not quite the point and your question comes in in the big unspeakable here.

I'm not sure I can answer your question for you. I won't have anymore. Although DS' difficulties were not expected, they have taken their toll. I worry massively for his future (especially as the help for a dignified life is slowly eroded), who knows if he will ever achieve safe independence and my life will alway come second to making sure he is alright. Doesn't mean I regret DS or I don't love him and life with him immensely.

Good luck with your decision. All I will say I'd it shouldn't be one born out of guilt, either that you should or shouldn't

The problem is Fanjo you are a mother of a young child, it's really adulthood that's the worry.

So am I Fanjo, for my dd. Yes when shes having a public meltdown and everyone is staring and hoicking up their judgy pants or being self destructive (in dds case gouging the skin on her arms) its so hard and the urge to tell the world to fuck off becomes overwhelming. But then theres the times when she is drawing medical instruments, so happy.

Oh I know that. Good luck.

That's it Toffee, I'm not expecting anyone to make this decision for me, and of course people love their children and saying I wouldn't have had them - you just wouldn't.

But that doesn't mean every single parent of a child with autism can honestly say oh yes it's fine, you'll love him anyway. Because love is just not enough.