AIBU to be frightened of my child having a disability that runs in the family

[daffodilsoverthebridge]

Opinion seems to be divided as to whether or not it is genetic and there's no prenatal screening.

I am now in the awful position where I want a baby but am petrified of passing it down. W

[OneEpisode]

My mum & dad I think are happy. I have a sibling with one, different, serious health issue. She participates in society, contributes, but can't work full time. She lives on disability benefits. Only two grandchildren and my dc is autistic. We have sad days. We have happy times too. All families have this. I hope dc will as an adult contribute to society (very bright) and dc is loved.would this outcome be ok?

[FauxFox]

Any child you have could have a disability, mental illness, life changing accident or illness, addiction problems, abusive relationships...the list goes on. You can't guarantee your unborn child a life of carefree, pain free happiness. If you want to have a child you need to face all this and many parents do every day finding strength they never knew they had to get through things others find unimaginably hard. You can't plan a perfect scenario genetic predisposition or not, if you want a child have one - I'd recommend it (I got twins, one has ASD - they are the most awesome people I know )

[MrsBobDylan]

When I talked about taking a gamble, I didn't mean it was a gamble on loving my child if they had a disability. It was this that swung the decision to yes, as in the end, I wanted a baby and I knew I would love them like I do ds1 & 2, regardless.

For me it was a decision about logistics-wpuld we physically be able to cope for example, we had two children who would never live independently instead of one, or would ds1s health be affected if we had less time to devote to his medical care.

As it is, I now have 3 boys who drive me bonkers on a daily basis and I love the noise and chaos and couldn't feel prouder to be their Mum.

Op, in regards to your relative who is unhappy, my ds2 has periods of distress but that is mainly when we're with other people. Doing his own thing at home, he couldn't be happier.

[FauxFox]

Unimaginably hard to understand

[FauxFox]

Sorry that was an edit to my original post

[MrsBobDylan]

In answer to your op, yanbu to be frightened of having a child with a disability and ywnbu to decide not to go ahead on that basis.

I made the decision that I would cope and I think that's what you need to think about.

I second a pp who suggested counselling.

[TwoWeeksInCyprus]

Would you consider the donor egg/sperm route?

[daffodilsoverthebridge]

I'd cope, because you have to, but I want to be happy as well as cope.

TwoWeeks, if there was a sure fire way of getting my hands on eggs and sperm that didn't have it in their family at all, yes I would, in a heartbeat. But they don't screen for it.

[zen1]

I have 3DC. Eldest was investigated for ASD and was 'borderline', so no diagnosis. Middle one is undergoing investigations for ASD and youngest was diagnosed at 3. It would not put me off having a 4th though my age would. They all present their challenges, but if someone had shown me a crystal ball before I had DC, I wouldn't change anything (except make things easier for DC3). I love the way they think and their personalities (so in this respect, I'm no different from parents of NT children). I do worry about the future sometimes, but tend to take each day as it comes.

[daffodilsoverthebridge]

It might sound awful but in some ways it's almost easier when it's a very 'obvious' disability but 'milder' autism - oh gosh it's so hard in ways you can't know unless you see it all of the time. Makes me want to cry.

[Samcro]

you do realise that you can do all the test in the world and still end up with a severely disabled baby.
cock up at birth and then a life time of care. the only way to be 100% sure is ....well you know what that is

[x2boys]

You can be happy with a child who is disabled though it's hard work but 8n my town there are a number of different groups and charities that hav subsidise,activities and and days out for children with disabilities and their families ,ds1 is going to France next week for Aa week with a charity that take children with disabilities or their siblings away hes going as a sibling it's not be any means easy but it doesn't have to be unhappy .

[daffodilsoverthebridge]

It's when you have seen it though Mrs it's more real to you in the same way (forgive me if I'm being inappropriate here) childhood cancer might be to you and yours. I hope I haven't caused you any distress by explaining that.

[x2boys]

There is no sure fire Way of ensuring a child won't be born without disabilities autism doesn't run in my family his chromosomal deletion was de novo it was a random genetic mistake if you like that occurred on conception.

[originalusernamefail]

The only way to 100% guarantee you will never have a disabled child, is to never have a child - that's it I'm afraid. As a PP has said people are born disabled but can also become disabled to to illness /accident/ addiction. You need to decide if you want a child enough to live with that risk.

[misdee]

I have a daughter (teenager ) with suspected autism. We are currently going through assessment. It's hard going. When she was a toddler having a meltdown it was easier to manage. Now she is taller than me.
I won't gloss over it and say it's all good. She has ups and downs like her older NT sister. But I general she copes well. I am aware of the depression side of autism, eating disorders, mental health issues. She is an amazing young lady though who has a passion for music and art. Her intelligence astounds me. People ask if I would take her autism away. I don't know. It's part of her and part of what fuels her obsessions to find out everything about what interests her. Her autism doesn't scare me, what the future holds for her does.

[CallMeACynicBut]

People are so bad at decision making that involves probability. Yes, there's no way to 100% guarantee your child will have perfect health, but that doesn't imply the actual likelihood should have no impact on your choices!

OP there's no easy answer here. If you go ahead, you will probably have a child without the disability, but you might have one with, or you might have one with something worse. Being familiar with the disability you're worried about may make it better - you already know a lot about what helps and what doesn't - or worse - you're already bruised and perhaps traumatised.

The risk is yours to take or not, noone else can really help.

[KittiesInsane]

I'm wondering, would you say you're on the spectrum yourself?

In DS's case, it's not so much the autism as the anxiety and depression that worry me for his future. I love him dearly; I'm not sure he loves life, generally speaking.

Is he glad to have been born? Not always. But when he's on a good day, doing something he loves and excelling at it - yes, definitely.

[daffodilsoverthebridge]

I don't think I am Kitty, I have wondered, though.

[daffodilsoverthebridge]

I don't think so Kitty but I have wondered.

[daffodilsoverthebridge]

Sorry!

[Maybeoneday77]

Hi there, we have a genetic issue. We didn't know it existed until we had our little boy. Sadly he died age 2. We knew there was a 1 in 4 chance of it happening again but we couldn't be tested for it as the doctors didn't know the gene defect that had caused it, so we used donor eggs. You couldn't guarantee the donor didn't have the gene defect but it was incredibly unlikely. It by far reduced the chance of it happening again. Very difficult decisions that you face X

[daffodilsoverthebridge]

I'm so sorry about your DS