to ask for your opinions about a woman's role and responsibilities on mat leave

[Aracha]

And how much does your DH help? Does he have specific jobs or do you feel baby/household is your job while on mat-leave?

Does he help during the night?
What about weekends?
How do you allocate personal time?

(I'm not a researcher... I'm planning to show this thread to DH as we'd like to know what other parents do)

Background:
DS is 6months, wakes every 1-2hours at night, sometimes has a 3-hour stretch. Can be difficult to settle after feeds. EBF at night but will take bottle/sippy-cup. Goes down at 6pm up for day by 6am, often awake for few hours in night.

DH has a high-stress job (with 1-hour commute each way) leaves house around 9am back around 7pm.

I'm currently on mat leave with 4 month old DD2.

I do all the night feeds, have DD in a co sleeper cot next to me. DH sleeps on sofa downstairs. He leaves for work at 5am and does a very physically demanding job. I take DD1 to school, he does the pick up.

He gets one rest day every week and will do the lions share of baby duties on this day so I can (try) to sleep as much as possible in the day.

We do a big house clean once a week. If I've had a good run of nights and not hallucinating with exhaustion, I will do it or at least most of it. But often DH will do it as I'm just too knackered.

I do all the cooking, he washes up (same as before mat leave). Admin type stuff like dentist appts, haircuts, parents eve.. I organise it.

The only thing that's changed is the night time arrangements. I have made it quite clear though, when I return to work in 5 weeks, if DD still waking multiple times in the night then we have to take it in turns as I will not be safe to drive (my job involves a lot of motorway travel) with the current level of sleep deprivation.

It's different for every couple I know. I think it depends a lot in the baby. If you have a chilled baby who is independent and sleeps through the night, you can get chores done during the day. If you have a baby who cries a lot, needs to be held and wakes several times during the night, you'll be doing well to get dressed and wash your face.

My maternity leaves gradually became SAHMdom as I like being at home.

Our first child was difficult, I had a very short maternity leave for financial reasons. Ds1 was in the spectrum but we did not find that out for about another decade. I did very little round the house and DH did almost everything.

The other five were much easier, I take a few weeks to establish breastfeeding, during that time DH does most of the housework and we get some help in. I do nothing apart from baby and caring for the other children.

Once feeding is established I do most of the housework, even doing that I have much more leisure time that my DH so I think it is more than fair from my perspective.

It is only on MN that I hear the claim that being on maternity leave or a SAHPbis solely about children, I see it as running the household.

DP does loads here. On working days he will often get up early with her and feed and change her so I get a good chunk of sleep before he goes to work. Does his fair share of cuddling in the evenings and we do bath time together. I do all the night feeds in the week, but if we're having a really bad night he will help. Weekdays I will stay on top of the laundry and sort the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen and living room. We split cooking roughly 50/50. I will do odd jobs on the days I stay home, but won't if I go out and don't get time.

At weekends we share night feeds and caring for DD in the day, do bigger cleaning jobs like bathroom, hoovering etc, and split the cooking.

In terms of personal time I tend to make sure DP gets an hour or so in the evenings to play on the computer as I get the odd hour to myself in the day. At weekends we both get some time on our respective hobbies. If one of us wants to go out with friends we will just check the other is free, DP keeps urging me to sort a night out with friends actually.

It's a very even split and I'm happy with it - I know from talking to other mums I am lucky that DP is so hands on.

Working parent does work during the day, at home parent does child care and very basic housework.

When working parent comes home all child and house stuff is split 50/50

Maybe I have a particularly stressful job or something ( clinical nhs job so very busy) but I find being on mat leave way easier/less stressful than working and having a child. When people say they go to work for a rest I think you obviously don't work very hard. I find the stress of getting the kids up and out to childcare and the commute to and from work and bedtime routine really stressful. On work days I was always comatose on he couch by 8. Now I am on Mat leave with my second I find it so much easier. Don't have to rush out anywhere. Me and the kids can lol about in our pjs before deciding to go to a toddler group/ meet friends for a coffee. I get the housework done in my own good time in the day rather then trying to do it all when I get in from work. Ugh dreading going back to work ( and I only work part time).

I did what I could. DH would jump in as soon as he got home to help with what needed doing. We always had food on the table, clean clothes and a tolerable house and we had no resentment.

When DDs were very little and needed nappy changes at night, DH would help with that, then go back to sleep while I BF. He was always in there with baths, nappy changes and so on. It's teamwork, if one party doesn't go along with that then things get very, very hard.

Bodicea i guess it depends on the children and the job you had before.

OP.. did you get your times right? Out of the house at 9am and back at 7pm isn't too bad.. especially the 9am exit... my husband and I take turns to get the 6.16am train and get back by 7pm.. perfectly normal here so if your DH isn't pulling his weight and is citing his 'long day' then t I think you have cause to be miffed.

Bodicea. I have what most would consider a v stressful job but I'm far more suited to it than looking after very small children.. hence finding work 'a rest' :-)

I had a Velcro baby who preferred to sleep in my arms so there was no way I could actually get any housework or cooking done during the day. DP would either cook when he got home, or take DS for a bit so I could cook, and at the weekends one of us would usually manage to run a Hoover around the flat. But that was about the extent of our housework!

Dh worked full time and left house at 8am, returned 6.30pm. I was SAHM and he still took baby first thing in the morning from 7am so I could get a tiny bit of extra sleep (I did all night waking) gave baby back at 8am, changed entertained etc. In the eves he came back and helped me put the baby to bed or made supper as I was exhausted by then.

Things will get better when baby is weaned..have you considered some blw?? Mine slept loads longer and for much more regular stretches once on purees and lots of milk! More I slept the better my milk supply too. Baby also only woke once or twice a night by 6 months (far more frequently before that).

So does that answer your question? Husband helped a lot. If he hadn;t he would have missed out on loads of fun things with baby, and I would have had a nervous breakdown (as some of my friends did from exhaustion/PND) You never regret helping out with your baby. Baby at weekends were shared equally I should think although I was breastfeeding. we took it in turns to have naps though.

Currently at home with a 4 month old - my DP is (charmingly) very firm on the fact that my job is 'baby', and anything else is a bonus. I'm the one who sometimes gets exasperated that I can't put the baby down for long enough to cook us s nice meal or scrub the kitchen floor, but he's the one who reminds me that I already have a 24/7 job - we mostly split the household stuff as we always have, and don't worry too much about the small collection of tea mugs on the bedside table, or the slight coating of dust on the bookshelves.

Oh, and baby EBF so far and hasn't/won't take a bottle of expressed, so all food is directly from me.

I'm 6 months in to mat leave now and we do everything 50/50. Our baby sleeps through, but when she didn't, we were both up in the night with her, taking turns (ff from 6 weeks though, so he was able to help with feeds).
He gets up for work at 5.45 and is home by 5. I spend my days at baby groups, the park and meeting other mums. We both share the household and baby stuff equally in the evenings and weekends.

We spend all of our weekends together doing family things. He certainly doesn't see childcare and housework as my job during mat leave. We do chores together when she goes to bed at night.

I go back to work in August and we'll continue to share equally.

I did night feeds Mon-Fri, DH did them at weekends (with DD as DS refused a bottle).

Household jobs were shared but I did most as I was at home. First two weeks after both DC I barely lifted a finger and DH did EVERYTHING as both were fairly difficult births.

We took turns found bedtime and still do.

We had twins so possibly not comparable but during the week

• i'd go to bed earlier and DH used to do a night feed at about midnight
• I did all night wakings
• DH would change nappies and bring them to me in bed for morning feed before he left for work around 7am, then he'd b out until 7/8pm
• I did all childcare stuff during the day, do stuff like food shopping, laundry, bath and bed routine, cook dinner
• DH did the dishes and that's about it
• we had a cleaner once a week who did some ironing (mainly DH shirts)

At weekends DH did all night wakings on Friday and me on Saturday, and we'd have a couple of hours off each over the weekend. Also DM and DMIL came to help out a bit during the earlier days.

Oh and nearly forgot we had a night nanny 2 nights a week for a few weeks! How could I forget her!!

I have a 3 month old DD. I do all the night waking (that said she only wakes once a night now) apart from Friday nights when DP does it so I have at least one night a week where I don't have to get up although I do wake up.

DP often does bath time and bed time feed whilst I start dinner, I do all the night time stuff as he has to be at work next day. If he doesn't have to be at work too early then sometimes he'll do the 7am feed before going to work.

However I am also suffering from gallstones and if I have an attack and need painkillers which knock me out, DP does the night stuff without even thinking about it and then goes to work next morning

I agree no good can come from the "who is the most tired" competition - there are no winners

DH is much more enlightened about this stuff than I am. We have a 4 year old and a 19 month old, and I'm pregnant with DC3.

When things don't get done in the house during the day (which is often, to be honest, as I'm shattered) I always feel bad, and DH always responds "you're a stay-at-home MUM, not cleaner".

He does all bedtimes and most baths. When I'm not pregnant I do 95% of the night wakings (breastfeeding and because he cycles to work so I don't want him to be tired; it's dangerous), I do most of the cooking, and we do whatever else needs to be done ad hoc.

We got a robot vacuum cleaner to make one less job during the week. I can recommend that.

I'm currently on mat leave with 6 month old DD, DH working full time but has a bit of flexibility in his hours and has been able to leave early or start late.

DH does the morning routine as he is much more of a morning person than me and allows me a bit more sleep!

We take it in turns to do dinner/bedtime routine depending on how we are feeling. I do the nighttime feeds and we share the nighttime settling (there's a lot of it!!).

DD can be a fussy little madam in the day time so I don't often get a chance to do much housework, so DH does what he can when he gets home from work and we share it out at the weekend, although usually DH does the bulk of the housework while I watch the baby.

Your dh hours are pretty good to be honest. Dh is out of the house at 7:30 and back around 8:30/9. When our ds was born he brought him to me for night feeds and then changed him and put him back (he did work less hours at that point).

I naturally do more around the house (sahm) but mostly because he is physically not there to do stuff. However he will get up with ds in the morning before he goes to work and does a lot on the weekend - both housework and spending time with ds.

I also think it's tempting to try and take everything on yourself to prove you can or because your dh didn't offer, but learning to ask for help can make a big difference. Also while I agree that both people should pitch in, showing appreciation towards one another can go a long way when times are stressful!

I always took v short maternity leave so focused on spending time with newborn DCs as I generally worked long hours. Always did cooking and shopping (as I do when working) but outsourced everything else household related. Had a cleaner for the first DC and a cleaner plus a nanny or au pair for the rest. I generally found that if we both did stuff we enjoyed and outsourced stuff we didn't, life went more smoothly.

We did everything 50/50 from the off
But I have epilepsy and needed help with the night waking or I would have seizures. DH admitted from the start that he had it easier going into work then being at home with DS, he did not prefer going to work just found it easier as he said he could shut off now and again at work, DS was a very screamy baby. DH also had a very responsible job.