to ask for your opinions about a woman's role and responsibilities on mat leave

[Aracha]

And how much does your DH help? Does he have specific jobs or do you feel baby/household is your job while on mat-leave?

Does he help during the night?
What about weekends?
How do you allocate personal time?

(I'm not a researcher... I'm planning to show this thread to DH as we'd like to know what other parents do)

Background:
DS is 6months, wakes every 1-2hours at night, sometimes has a 3-hour stretch. Can be difficult to settle after feeds. EBF at night but will take bottle/sippy-cup. Goes down at 6pm up for day by 6am, often awake for few hours in night.

DH has a high-stress job (with 1-hour commute each way) leaves house around 9am back around 7pm.

It really depends on the baby. My dd has never really slept. She doesn't go to bed till 9pm and is up about 7 am. I tried to do everything but as a lil baby she had reflux and had to be held all the time. Then she got separation anxiety. All of this plus sleep depravation made it very difficult to get much done so my dh did a fair bit when he got home. Now I do the tidying, washing and cooking. He does the washing up, ironing and cleaning the animals out. You will work it out as you go along and your babies needs change etc.

A woman's role during maternity leave is too look after her baby and then housework should be divided up according to who has the most free time. In our case I did very little during the first few months as DS didn't take long naps and would not be put down (and I struggled with everything after a traumatic birth). But over time I picked up more. We certainly didn't see it as my 'job' just because I was at home.

I did all night wakings because I breast fed and dh worked nights. I always encouraged him to get a good night's sleep even when he was off as then he could look after DS for an hour or two in the morning while I rested.

I had exactly the same view during his short paternity leave when I went back to work. Whatever he had time to do was great and the rest was shared when we were both at home.

We share night wakenings. He does the nappy changes then I feed the baby. DH starts work early so I get everyone ready and do the school run and pick ups. DH sometimes gets home in time to do school pick ups.

Around the house I do the laundry, most of the cooking and shopping. DH does the dishes. I deal with the money and bills and stuff. I'm also the thinker and finder of the house because seemingly no-one else knows where things are/what we're doing/how much petrol is in the car/how much money is in the joint account.

That set up is pretty much the same as when I was at work btw. Except the obvious there's nappies to change a baby to feed.

My DH worked full time when I was on maternity leave but he helped with night feeds every single night. I had the baby all day and of course, when you've had a baby your body and mind is in recovery mode for about a year...it's hard on the Mother.

That was my DH's reasoning and it was good. DD was bottle fed which makes a difference.

If he's home at 7, and the baby is still waking up throughout the night, you should go to bed when your husband gets home and sleep until about midnight. HE can stay up.be in charge until midnight or 1am at least with the baby while you get some 4-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. You need this to function as much as he does. He can still get enough sleep if he goes to bed at midnight and sleeps until 7 or 8 ish. You just need to take turns getting enough sleep; makes a huge difference.

And yes, we did this with our 3.

We shared everything on a in the moment discussion. Husband was actually better at night as he could fall asleep again after. I couldn't. But in the early months / year or so, I breastfed, so it was me if for a feed. But my husband would wake and could tell I was unwakeable he'd deal with baby, clean nappy if needed (do any non-booby work) then attach baby to me. He'd be the one to get out of bed, fetch and he'd put baby back too, just because he knew how crap I was at going back to sleep if woken. Housework: I'd do what I could in the day (I like the house to be nice). With ds2 I just survived and it was sod the housework until dh got back home. Then he'd have baby and I'd do housework or vice versa. (Ds2 was a stressed baby, had reflux, tongue tie and later we found out, autism). So I guess it does depend on the parents, their nature, the baby! With my 3rd baby (did) she was content in a sling and loved nothing more than to wander about while I cleaned. I chatted away and she was content. She didn't wake much either.

I've been wondering about this two. We have one 1 month old and one two year old who's in nursery.

We share the load. DH is by nature far more domesticated than me. He cooks almost all meals (I'm usually feeding at that time) and does nursery drop offs. I do pick ups, kid's dinner, most of the laundry, we both tidy and share bedtime. He settles the baby at night after feeding and gets up early with our toddler. I feel quite lucky. But then we are both sharing the cost of maternity leave (as I'm freelance).

I know not everyone will agree but for me mat leave is about caring for the baby, housework is separate. My career is already taking a hit, short and long term, and i don't want to be saddled with all the household drudgery (which I don't enjoy at all) and then find I can't shift it later.

Good luck finding your balance

I meant too, not two!

Dixiebell, it still makes e chuckle when I remember confidently telling DH that I would take over all the cooking in our house when I went on mat leave. It never happened. It was all I could do to keep up with the constant feeding and changing, along with basic housework. DH used to look after DS until midnight every night, and give him a last bottle before he went to bed. I would go to bed at 8 or 9 so I would usually get 5 or 6 unbroken hours sleep before DS woke up for another feed.

Someone up thread said there is no right or wrong. I think that is half right. There are lots of ways to divide things up, but what matters is that no one person is doing too much, and feeling overwhelmed. Both parents need to be aware of how much the other is doing, and actively trying to keep things fair.

I will add that when I went back to work after my second maternity leave, dh took 3 weeks off work. Best 3 week of my life. And no, he didn't do extra housework or even cook dinner - it was just the total lack of worry that having someone at home allows.

Well, that's my take anyway.

Even when I've worked more hours than DH, I've always done the vast majority of the housework. I have resented this in the past, but I'm currently a SAHM so can't complain at the minute. He is very, very involved with the 3 children and when we are both at home he does more with them than me, sometimes so I can get on with stuff and sometimes so I can have a break. I do all the finances/bills/planning etc. I do the big shops, he gets top ups.

I was able to take the first three weeks off - not so easy in 1985! - and took as much of the work as I could; not least because DS was ff and I enjoyed the process of changing a wet hungry squealer into a well-fed dry contented sleeper. I took most of the general housework and while neither of us were too bothered about the place not being tidy I'm a tad obsessive and had lived alone for five years and got into tidy habits.

Once I got back to work I obviously took much less; I still took the night feeds at the weekend and sometimes during the week. But DS slept through from eight weeks - which I am well aware is exceptionally early - so that was not an issue for long.

We're both shit at DIY and gardening.

We have three children - 8. 5 and 11 months. My husband leaves the house at 0830 and is home by 1815 with an hour's commute each way on the train.

In the morning he: gets everyone's breakfast together, empties the dishwasher, hangs the washing out, puts out the rubbish / recycling, dresses the baby (including putting all his eczema creams on!) and ensures the boys are dressed for school with their teeth brushed. This is because he has his shower in the evening and he lets me sleep in an extra hour because I breastfeed the baby at night. He is amazing!

During the day I look after the baby (obviously!), do the school run, dash madly around to all the boys' clubs / homework / read with them, put the washing away, Hoover, clean the bathroom, do grocery shopping, prepare and clean up dinner.

In the evenings my husband does the bath-time routine for all three boys (while I'm tidying up after dinner) and we read the bedtime story together.

In the nighttime, my husband brings me the baby for feeds. I usually put him back but my husband always says I should wake him to put him back because I'm the one that's been feeding him.

I've now gone back to work two days a week (teacher) and my husband is working from home / looking after the children on those two days. He loves it!

We are a team and work brilliantly together. Our children see that a father's role is integral to the family unit. It works for us!

I'm on mat leave with four month old twins. I do nights Sunday through Thursday. He almost always does Friday and sometimes does Saturday. I do the majority of cleaning when I can get the babies to have a good nap. We split things like laundry. Whoever has a minute and thinks of it puts the washing in and we often fold it together in the evenings. We both do bedtime and then my husband usually cooks dinner while I tidy up from the day, and we mostly do the washing up together. At weekends I'm more likely to do childcare while he does other jobs, but things are still pretty 50/50.

I do feel lucky, though, because my husband is hugely considerate. He gets up every morning and takes the dog for a run, then empties the dishwasher, feeds the dog and brings his and my breakfast upstairs to the nursery where we eat together. He also leaves me a travel mug with tea in the kitchen, which I grab once I'm up for the day. He leaves for work around 7.30am and gets home around 6pm, so he crams a lot into the day. He also has absolutely no expectations regarding what I do. He would rather I play with the babies, take them to classes and focus on them, even if it means we have to do more housework over the weekend. However, I would prefer for us to spend that time as a family, which is why I try to get it done in the week. I try to tell him every day how much I appreciate him.

During the initial mat leave we didn't have a set routine. Most of the chores fell by the wayside in the first few months then anyway. DH would often get home (13 hrs out the house) to no dinner and would crack on sorting something out, no complaints. I did an online food shop once a week, laundry during the day and if her ladyship allowed me, dinner, but not a lot else.

I'm now a sahm. DH's jobs are to clean the bathrooms and hoover the house. He does these jobs at the weekend. He also cooks at the weekend. He also puts the bins out (sometimes). Oh and irons his own shirts on Sunday night.

I do the laundry, cooking in the week, dishwasher/washing up, bedding, general tidying, garden stuff, dusting HA!, we have a robot hoover that I set on in the mornings, and I look after the dogs 90% of the time. I do 90% of wake ups and all bath and bedtimes.

We both are happy with this arrangement.
I don't stay at home to do housework. I stay at home to entertain and bring up our DD. DH agrees with this and agrees he should do a share of the housework.

My DH is left to sleep through the week and I do all the night awakenings. At the weekend, he does the nappy changes and I feed as normal (EBF).

The housework is generally me but DH does the heavy lifting - sorts the garden, cars, ladder stuff "man jobs" as he calls them I'm happy with that arrangement!

With ours l breastfed, Mainly l did cooking he washed up, we both cleaned majority of daily bits me. bf during night , He felt as l had child(ren) all day it was his time at night. OH changed and settled baby . We did everything as a team no specific me time, if either wanted to do something we did it. Had 5 children OH always helped with whatever needed doing. ( I know how extraordinary luck l am) . Feel there is no right or wrong it is what works for you.

Not match leave as I'm a SAHM but when dc2 arrives next month dh will take ds to nursery 3 mornings a week. I'll use that time to sleep and get dressed! Hoping baby will nod off in the afternoon when I go to collect ds giving me some time to play with him. On the 2 days he's not in nursery I'll try and get out for most of the day. I'll take charge of cooking and laundry. Dh can sort bathtime put ds to bed and wash up. Shopping will be delivered. I'll make easy meals and use shortcuts like micro rice. Some days I'll be able to do more than others.

We are doing shared parental leave. I go back to work in 2 weeks and DH takes over for 5 months. The housework has slipped a lot and we mainly eat easy to prepare meals at the moment. Dh puts him to bed when he gets home and often does the 11pm feed. He'll occasionally do a night feed too. I get a lie in every Saturday. The baby is our main priority, this is parental leave not housework leave.

I did most childcare stuff at night as was BF, also did food shopping etc, basic day to day chores. We shared lie ins at weekends, shared cooking, housework etc.

I've never understood the 'breadwinner' stuff. Most adults work full time and take personal responsibility for eating, having clean clothes etc. Yet when some men become father's this 'working' becomes 'breadwinning' and entitles them to domestic help? I don't understand that at all. How did these men feed themselves and furnish themselves with clean pants prior to procreation?

I had pnd on maternity leave and struggled badly. I did considerably less housework than I had as a normal adult with a job. Even if I'd been fine and healthy I don't know when I would have fitted in the cooking and cleaning expected by some.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, feed yourself and on a good day grab a shower seems a fair enough aim to me. Other adults can take care of themselves.

He did gardening, cars and bathtimes.

Mat leave is mat leave, not housework leave.

I'm still recovering from birth and making sure feeding is well established. That's my focus.

I cook, my husband clears up which is what we always do. He baths older child, I put him to bed. We have cleaner every couple of weeks. Either of us will put wash on. We are pretty relaxed about tidying etc, older child's toys usually stay day to day for example. I do most of the 'thinking' work. Night feeds aren't really an issue as we bed share, I do them all but that only really consists of latching baby on boob. Husband sorts out older child if he's being a fidget.

We both work part time so have always shared fairly equally. And I earn lots more than he does so he can't hold money over me.