to say something about this at school

[HammerToFall]

DS has high functioning aspergers, one of his main issues is around food. He gets severe anxiety over food if it's something that isn't on his accepted list of things he can eat. It's usually colour and texture that put him off. He stays school lunch where they have a deli bar. Everyday he has the ham sandwich which comes with a bit of salad in the side.

Last night in tears he told me one of the TA's has been guarding the bin so that he can't put his salad in there, and then makes him sit at the table until he eats it (he is not going to eat the salad, he has never eaten salad in the ten years he's been alive). This results in him sitting there until the bell goes making him miss playtime.

Firstly I don't want him sat there in tears missing playtime, and secondly he is now becoming overly anxious of anything I put on his plate which is not accepted food. He doesn't have to eat this but I have always put it on his plate anyway just in case one day he decides to try it.

I'm going to say something this morning, I don't want to appear rude but I really think this needs bringing to a head. AIBU?

YANBU, I believe it's a form of bullying to make someone eat something they don't want to. (Disclaimer: it's different to encouraging a child to eat something you know they like but they're just being pains in the butt). It causes anxiety and ultimately a bad relationship with food.

My ds hates gravy, he'll eat anything without it. One dinner lady used to deliberately put gravy in his plate, he'd be happily walking away looking forward to tucking in and she'd dump gravy on top, meaning he wouldn't eat all day. If he complained to her she'd snarl at him. Bitch! I complained, I paid for the food, I'm within my rights to complain.

When a TA I came across the school cook, who had left the kitchen and serving hatch to stand over a frightened five year old , who wouldn't eat his orange yogurt because he's allergic to oranges.
He kept saying 'I'm sorry but I'm allergic to oranges. I thought it was peach when I took it.'
She kept saying he had to eat it.

I put in a written complaint about her bullying him, but got nowhere

I'm a PSA in a primary school (Scottish equivalent of TA) and cannot stand this lunch hall policy.

I encourage children to try what's on their plate but that's it. The amount of times I've told other staff to give a poor child a break for not wanting to chow down a rock hard baked potato full of black bits.

It does need to be addressed op, she shouldn't be doing this.

I complained, I paid for the food, I'm within my rights to complain.

And did they take any notice? Hope so.

OP, definitely talk to the school. Has he any form of 'plan'? Can this be documented so everyone is aware?

You really do need to talk to the head, or does your school have a family liaison officer? DD has sensory issues around food and I dealt with the FLO.

I agree with others that regardless of SEN they shouldn't be forcing any child to eat. It's completely maddening and goes against everything we know about sensible eating and self regulation of appetite.

Don't want to appear rude? You are very restrained!

Is not as if he is picky he has aspergers for fucks sake. If the TA's understanding is so limited about this, god knows what damage they are also wreaking in classrooms. You must say something and be assertive - it has to stop today. It is discrimination and the school is failing to make reasonable adjustments to accommodate his needs.

Make sure you describe fully the effect is is having on him emotional and with his sensory issues related to food. It is bullying imo.

Hear hear Bathsheba

^I'm a TA at a school and its a constant battle I have with other members of staff. It an be very damaging to ANY child to be put in a position where they are being forced to eat something that they do not want - how many of the eating/obesity problems of our generation can be traced back to "eat everything on your plate" and how many of us remember the trauma of "you are not leaving the table until that is finished". I have rescued a few children myself by putting their plate away for them when they have been sitting in tears staring at a piece of fish for 40 minutes that they will NEVER eat.

Please bring it up with the school for the sake of ALL the pupils, not only your son. ^

I also cover lunches at a primary school. The children were given a copy of the menu at the start of term and were allowed to choose what they wanted to have. There's no reason why they shouldn't try and eat what's on their plate, they chose it, so in theory it should be something that they like.

Trouble is you always get a few who insist they don't like it because they want to eat their pudding. I worry that they haven't eaten anything and try and make them have a couple of mouthfuls first. I would never stand and make them eat something they didn't like but it they will try it on, they're not daft.

Absolutely say something. That really isn't on.

Say something, but be clear of the facts before you launch into the school.

Was the TA standing by the bin so that other children didn't just bin their meal, and seeing other turned away, felt he would be too? Or did he approach the bin and was told to go and eat his salad?

There is a difference.

I also don't think there's a problem with a child deciding they'd rather just eat pudding. This setting up of pudding as a reward for managing the unpleasant task of eating your main meal is really damaging.

Excellent point splendide

^

"I also don't think there's a problem with a child deciding they'd rather just eat pudding. This setting up of pudding as a reward for managing the unpleasant task of eating your main meal is really damaging."

Mind you the notion that there always has to be a pudding is also a bit warped - why not a starter and a main some days instead, if there need to be 2 courses? There is more chance of kids eating something that isn't mostly sugar and starch if they are offered soup then a main some days rather than always main then a pudding.

Yes agreed Schwab. DS' nursery do starter instead of pudding sometimes, it's a good idea and I'm surprised schools don't do it.

I remember at primary school being forced to eat everything in my packed lunch. I hate crusts. Always have, always will. I used to end up stuffing them up the sleeves of my school jumper as an MSA would be standing by the bin and wouldn't let you throw anything away except packaging and apple cores.

I also went through a period of anxiety in primary school and lost my appetite. Even more food was smuggled out then. I don't feel like at 9 years old I should have been stuffing food up my jumper just because I couldn't eat it.

Schwab does your DS have trouble with tags in clothes or loud noises? Just wondering as that sounds a little bit like sensory processing disorder to me. I have SPD and cannot eat baked beans or bananas or anything with a texture I don't like. Makes me gag.

I had to send my son in with a packed lunch. He has had the same food for 2 years. (half a ham sandwich with crusts off, drink (varies) and cake (mini roll)) . Not very nutritionally great, but he can eat it quickly to get lunch over with.
He has autism and kept getting panicky over lunches. Even when he was down for a jacket potato everyday. A dinner lady kept trying to make him eat it all. (I said encourage him to eat eat quarter or third).
I still have memories of being made to eat tough beef watery casserole and hard chicken balls. So I don't like to push him into eating.

I've spoken to his class teacher this morning. Just to clarify what is happening is that the TA stands near the bin to monitor what the children are throwing away. When DS tries to throw his salad away she tells him to go back and eat it so his only option is to go back to the table with his plate.

The response I had from the teacher was that there is a wide choice so there is an expectation is a child has chosen the meal then they should eat it. However there isn't an option to get a ham sandwich without the side salad on the plate.

I've told the class teacher that he is not to be forced to eat it and also told DS to tell the TA politely that if there is a problem with him not eating his salad to ring me, and if he can't get to the bin to leave the plate on his table and walk away.

I did discuss the pack lunch idea with him last night but all his friends stay school meals and pack lunch is eaten in the class room rather than the hall and he doesn't want to be sat on his own.

I'll monitor the situation next week and if it's still happening ask to speak to the head.

I hope it gets sorted now.

Is not as if he is picky he has aspergers for fucks sake

this sort of comment winds me up though. It's as if people think it's ok to have aspergers related 'pickiness' but not okay to have non aspergers related 'pickiness'. They are exactly the same thing. It's as if, because one child is autistic, their dietary restrictions are seen as acceptable whereas those of other children aren't. A picky child is not choosing to find certain foods frightening, revolting or intolerable. It's just the way they are and they should all be accepted and understood. Not just those who are that way because of their autism.

puzzled no he doesn't really have problems with tags in clothes or clothing textures, nor with loud noises, just food ... his big brother had/ has the problems with texture of clothes and with loud noises (except if he is making them or involved in making them), and also had something probably best described as separation anxiety until he was nearly 7 (it wasn't exactly about separation but about being places where he couldn't predict exactly what would happen or get home from on foot, without me - he was fine being at places within walking distance or further away places like football training where he knew the fairly set routine inside out) ... merge the two of them together and create one with all the quirks and one with all their talents/ positive points etc. you could make one child with something diagnosable and one Superbeing :o Thanks for asking though - I will keep an eye (he's only not quite 5).

Definitely tell the school. It sounds like this TA is unaware of his needs.

It's not just his needs though, it's every child's needs and I don't think any child should be made to eat anything. My youngest didn't have autism, but did have quite severe sensory issues with food, mainly due to texture. She would vomit if it was something she couldn't eat. She would never have eaten a salad or any vegetable until she was an adult.

I firmly believe that it was because we didn't make her eat some things and didn't make a fuss around food that she is the eater she is today. She will eat almost anything now including mussels and brussel sprouts.

I would definitely contact the school and get this stopped. It could cause untold damage.
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Wholeheartedly agree with manicinsomniac post above.

Not disagreeing with any of this, but on the flip side as a teacher I often get parents up in arms at the end of the day because their child is saying they didn't eat their lunch - and please could I make sure they eat it even if they say they don't want to, because they definitely like it and are just wanting to rush out to play. I'm not at all saying it's right to force or even strongly encourage, but just to add a bit more detail about what else staff in schools are often hearing from parents. I have parents who expect that I should be in the dining room with their child watching them eat every mouthful (even if they say they don't want it/aren't hungry'don't like it), so they aren't hungry by the time they leave school.
Just saying that school staff (usually) ARE thinking of children, and trying to do the right thing - they're not usually trying to upset children!

(not a response to the OP really, more to some of the other comments about lunch staff in general)