to feel threatened by this competitive parenting?

[Winged]

This concerns a friend I've known a couple of years. They have one DC, I have two, one the same age as friend's, one younger. They don't go to the same school.

I really like my friend, we have a lot in common and have a very similar sense of humour. They've also been there for me a lot over the time I've known them. There is just one thing that really bothers me - they think the sun shines out their DC's backside and love to tell me about their achievements quite often. Sometimes it's probably warranted, other times it's over the most mundane crap that all DC do.

My DC are academically bright and have their own talents but I'm not the type to show off or tell people other than my immediate family really. However, after I separated from their abusive father, my DC (the eldest in particular) are experiencing some severe emotional problems and I'm struggling to find the right help. They have hobbies and interests but as my ex is next to useless, this all falls to me and it's tiring. Life is stressful for me for a multitude of reasons and I feel this adversely impacts the opportunities my DC have. My friend is well aware of our circumstances and been witness to some of our problems.

Obviously it's parents evenings at many schools right now and my friend told me that their DC is overachieving in every area. Last parents evening, friend told me that their DC's teacher had said their DC along with one other in the class was the brightest and doing the best. Their DC also does a sport and has apparently been told that they could be a pro one day they're so good at it. My friends circumstances are very different. They share care much more with their XP and as they both earn more, are able to offer more to their DC.

I guess if I'm brutally honest, I feel jealous. I'm so worried about my DC and how they are coping right now. I worry about their future opportunities and my friend telling me this just exacerbates this. Their DC is a lovely kid but normal in that they misbehave sometimes although my friend seems oblivious to much if this and in all honesty, their normal child misbehaviour pales against my DC's lashing out due to the problems we've got with ex etc.

It's making me want to sever the friendship but I feel like I'm being unreasonable and I shouldn't begrudge my friend wanting to share their pride for their DC. What does it say about me that I can't stand it?

So, Aibu about this? There is a twist to this story but I'm not sure how relevant to the problem it is and I don't want it to cloud the answers. I will reveal all later though.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Schwab. Fair point. Now they are mostly free readers it is difficult to evaluate.

I can honestly say I have never sought to discover his ranking in the reading stakes though. It is what I have been told by other people and kids and observed for myself.

And yes I have had another parent go through his bag and reading record on a play date.

[RandomMess]

Winged the more you open up on this thread (and I remember some previous ones I think) the more you need to accept that there are some big issues - all is great provided you pander to his emotional needs. If you want this relationship to work I really think you need some joint therapy - you need to be able to be honest and truthful with him and he needs to be able to hear that things aren't perfect and that compromises need to be made.

Either you resolve the true issues (his deep deep insecurity and your people pleasing nature) or one day you will snap and it will be over.

Why settle for an okay relationship when you could have a fantastic one together? The more you keep your feeling bottled up to keep him happy the more depressed and unhappy and dissatisfied you will become.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Umm.
I agree with Random.
Sounds like you are doing a LOT of hard work to keep this man happy, in his happy little bubble, where whatever he does, you are still happy and he has to feel that you are happy to be happy himself.

Fuck that. There's no honesty in your relationship if you're constantly biting your tongue, hiding your feelings and failing to address your own unhappiness in case it upsets him. That's just not right. :(

[Atenco]

I find it odd that you refer to him as emotionally intelligent, OP. That does not go with him being insensitive boasting about his child when you are struggling and then not being able to accept any negativity on your part without going over the top.

[MerryMarigold]

We're so good together normally that I feel pressure to keep it like that all the time even when it belies what I'm actually feeling. I'm fast approaching breaking point though

This is only a 2 year relationship, OP, and the cracks are beginning to show now. It will get a lot harder at times if this is to be long term. There will be harder times than this for sure. If you are approaching breaking point already, things need to be addressed before you break. This cannot be good for your health. Stress is not good for your health generally. I suggest you write everything down and then sit down with him and say it all really gently, but confidently, and you can start by saying that you need to be able to be honest if you are to stay together. If he can't take it, you COULD suggest couple counselling or just wave goodbye. But you certainly can't continue in this way. It is a much issue than him boasting about his DC or even the dynamic between him/ you/ your kids/ his kid.

[Winged]

Thank you all. I know you're right and this situation isn't sustainable. I need to learn how to speak my mind and be more assertive. At this point I don't feel I have anything to lose because I'm close to the end of what I can take anyway.

I've been giving this situation a lot of thought and one thing that really bothers me is this:
BF lives with a family member but stays over at mine most of the time. His family member is quite ill and doesn't really like BF to stay over with DC at their house. This means that he spends the majority of his contact with DC at my house. This causes some issues but what really annoys me is that he and his ex often swap weekends or the odd day or his ex sometimes asks BF to have their DC and extra day. Because my ex has our DC on set weekends and it's fairly rigid, these extra days or swapped weekends fall on my very precious child free time.

Due to the situation with his relative and the fact that my house is more child friendly, BF prefers to bring his DC to my house on these occasions. He always asks me but this annoys me because it puts the responsibility of whether he can see his DC onto my shoulders.

Because I love him and know he misses his DC and wants this extra time, then I don't ever say no even though I really want to. I also feel like I would be unreasonable to say no even though I know that isn't the case. I want to be seen to be accommodating and accepting of his DC. I actually think he's taking advantage of this and my kind nature.

What is worse though, is that he gets upset or annoyed with me if I don't actively want to spend time with his DC on these occasions. I think he secretly likes it because then he has his two favourite people in the same place and he naively thinks this is an ideal opportunity for me to bond with his DC. But, and maybe I'm being selfish, I need this time child free. I do more or less everything for my DC and I'm ill so need more recuperation time, something I don't think he understands.

I just feel a bit manipulated and backed into a corner over this and actually it has the opposite effect and I (irrationally) resent his DC when they're here. I obviously don't let this be known but still, it's what I feel. They completely take over my living room playing Xbox together and I'm sat there like a spare part whilst BF tries to coax me to join them on the sofa. I often busy myself with housework trying to get some space and alone time when really I should be catching up on sleep and making the most of being child free.

As a starting point, I think I'm going to tell him this.

[AppleSetsSail]

Oh, gosh. I would not be at all happy with this arrangement. So is he ever at your house, spending weekends with you and your kids without his around?

[Winged]

I can predict what he's going to say though. It'll be along the lines that his DC is no bother at all (of course ) and it doesn't make any difference DC being here. That's really hard to argue with but it just does. It's like having any guest over, you're just less relaxed when there are other people in the house. Added to that is the pressure I feel to interact with his DC. I feel guilty for going elsewhere in the house to be on my own and he's actually pulled me up on it before saying that he feels like I don't want to be around his DC. If I admitted that no, actually I don't but it's nothing personal, he'd be very upset. He wants to use every opportunity possible for me to 'get to know' his DC.

[Winged]

X-post apple. Very very occasionally do we have only my DC for the weekend. It's most usually all the DC, and then fairly frequently just his. He argues that he spends a lot of time with my DC and has built quite a good relationship with them admittedly. But, it's totally different. He chooses to come over knowing they are here (obviously as they live with me) and it's not fit very long as we have clubs, cooking, homework to do and then it's bed relatively early. He often delays coming over until they're in bed so he's hardly using every opportunity available to spend time with us all.

[RandomMess]

You know you are perfectly entitled to end the relationship or perfectly entitled to say no to both him and his DC on your childfree weekends.

It does seem like you are very much a people pleaser?

He is actually fibbing about wanting to build a relationship with your DC if he avoids coming over until they have gone to bed yet wants you to spend your daytime in YOUR home with him and his DC to THEIR activity...

[AppleSetsSail]

How long have you two been dating?

[Flowers1974]

Hi, I'm really sorry that my comments are so late but imo having read all your posts winged, it sounds like at this point you want/need to devote all your energies to helping your children get through this difficult time. Don't get me wrong you are totally entitled to your own time and enjoyment too, but it sounds like at the moment this relationship isn't giving you the enjoyment. We have super competitive parents at our school and both my kids struggle at school in different ways. I take the competitiveness with a pinch of salt, but it is nice to close my door on it every day when I get home and concentrate on the kids. If I had that conpetitiveness at home as well, I would literally despair.

I think you need to put yourself (and your kids) first, think about what you all need right now and then make those decisions. I'm not a single parent but if I was on My child free weekends, I would be totally pleasing myself. You don't get that opportunity.

Good luck with it all xxx

[Liska]

Winged I am very late to this, and I hope that you won't think my post is out of order: We all learn how to "be" in a relationship as we go along, and each relationship experience teaches us behaviours that we take into the next. You said in your first post that your ex was abusive, and you and your kids have clearly managed to move on from that, which is tough and amazing thing to do. But there are some things on your later posts which suggest that you may still be using the same survival strategies you needed to use with your ex, that you shouldn't have to use in a good relationship. You don't like to challenge or upset your bf, and you conceal your own unhappiness in order to avoid him being unhappy, or to minimise disruption between the two of you. I know how this works, both from personal experience and from training and work I've done in DA. It's nobody's fault - you're both good people but we're all flawed, and it's bloody hard to 'unlearn' automatic behaviours/responses even when we don't need them anymore. I think the idea of joint counselling is a good one, but it would probably also help you to do some on your own- or look up the "Freedom" programme for DA Survivors to see if there's one near you. In the meantime, here's some flowers for you and a big thanks to all those of you whose children are 9 year old geniuses for the laugh (obvs my dd 8 is the best reader on mumsnet).

[Atenco]

You are ill and your children are going through a bad time, you really, really need this child-free time to renew your energies. Again, I do not think your boyfriend is very emotionally intelligent or he would see this too.

[Phineyj]

This seems quite simple to an outsider. Your bf is not a kind or supportive person. It is all about him. My DSis and DBIL have a number of challenges in their lives. When we see them, do DH and I rabbit on about how much better everything is going for us? No!

[KittiesInsane]

It sounds like he's making your life harder rather than easier.

[kawliga]

Judging who is 'the best' is just hilarious. Reminds me of those Midsomer Murders episodes where a villager just has to murder another villager because his turnips are 'the best' and he can't abide the idea of someone growing 'better' turnips, whatever that means. For me the 'best' reader is the one who warms my heart. There. Top that.

OP, run away. Run like the wind from anybody who is stupidly competitive.

[carabos]

I'm feeling quite stressed out and a bit inferior by all these top-of-the-class best-in-show children on here. So many great readers, maths geniuses and sports stars make my 30 yr old stockbroker DS1 and 23 yr old musician DS2 look a bit shabby in comparison .

[paxillin]

Well if his DC really is no bother at all, he can see them at his (or better his relative's) home. Otherwise he'll have to admit to you that Perfect Percy is just a kid after all, just like yours and can be fun at times and hard work at others.

[kawliga]

my 30 yr old stockbroker DS1 and 23 yr old musician DS2

But is your ds1 'the best' stockbroker? And is your ds2 'the best' musician? Because if they're not the best it doesn't really count; you should be ashamed of them. At their age I would expect them to be the best in the whole world, tbh, otherwise what's the point of it all?

[Sheezus]

So you aren't getting support and all of this situation is making you feel even worse.
I wouldn't continue in those circumstances.

I've seen a few or these 'the best' children. One in particular sticks out in my mind.
Their mother is an athlete. Not massively competitive but more than your average parent. Projection is a huge issue here.
The child has been in my home. Has told me they are so fast. We make pancakes, I'm first. I'm always first.
We eat our supper, I'll be finished first, I'm always first.
No point having a game I'm first, I'm always first.

Thing is the child isn't.
Sports days, they are the child that literally falls at the first hurdle because they're losing.
Even the fun games, they're not able for rules. Nobody wins but that doesn't compute.

Yet my DC has come home and watch actually said E is the best at running??!!

[hogbreath]

In my experience the bigger the bragger the bigger the bullshitter.

[seventhgonickname]

Winged,you know what you have to do,you're just in the putting it off phase before the end of the relationship.It is going to be hard as you have been hiding your feelings sohe may not be aware how close to the end you both are.Good luck,I have finally jumped myself,still living in the same house atm,ddnot coping too well yet but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and the relief that I can be honest.

[Winged]

Hi everyone, just a quick update and to say thank you to everyone for the advice. I'm always amazed at how quickly posters help you to get to the crux of a problem.

So BF came round and I said I wanted to talk without him getting defensive or worrying that anything I said meant the end. I told him that I felt between a rock and a hard place when it came to agreeing to have his DC here when I don't have my DC, that I'm struggling with my health and that despite the fact that I felt selfish, that I needed child free time to recuperate and that I often feel he uses these opportunities to pressure me into spending time with his DC which just had the opposite effect.

He profusely apologised and said he completely saw my point on this. He then asked why I'd never said anything before and I explained about feeling torn and guilty but also that it was hard to talk to him about anything negative because he catastrophises (if that's a word) and it quickly derails into a conversation about whether I love him or not. I said it puts me off bringing anything up because I always feel like I'm hurting him.

Again, he agreed with me and said he could see my point. We had a long talk and have agreed that he'll stop putting pressure on me and will stop thinking the worst. I agreed to be more open with him.

We ended up having another lovely weekend together as it definitely felt like we'd cleared the air and I no longer feel so resentful and defensive. Hopefully this will get us back on track. I didn't feel able to raise the competitive thing but if he carries on then I think I will do.

Thanks again to everyone for helping me to get to the bottom of my feelings .

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I'm glad you got a good outcome op, but watch out for regression. Partners have been known to say all the right things and then balk at actually seeing those things through. The proof is in the pudding here.

Anyway, good luck