to feel threatened by this competitive parenting?

[Winged]

This concerns a friend I've known a couple of years. They have one DC, I have two, one the same age as friend's, one younger. They don't go to the same school.

I really like my friend, we have a lot in common and have a very similar sense of humour. They've also been there for me a lot over the time I've known them. There is just one thing that really bothers me - they think the sun shines out their DC's backside and love to tell me about their achievements quite often. Sometimes it's probably warranted, other times it's over the most mundane crap that all DC do.

My DC are academically bright and have their own talents but I'm not the type to show off or tell people other than my immediate family really. However, after I separated from their abusive father, my DC (the eldest in particular) are experiencing some severe emotional problems and I'm struggling to find the right help. They have hobbies and interests but as my ex is next to useless, this all falls to me and it's tiring. Life is stressful for me for a multitude of reasons and I feel this adversely impacts the opportunities my DC have. My friend is well aware of our circumstances and been witness to some of our problems.

Obviously it's parents evenings at many schools right now and my friend told me that their DC is overachieving in every area. Last parents evening, friend told me that their DC's teacher had said their DC along with one other in the class was the brightest and doing the best. Their DC also does a sport and has apparently been told that they could be a pro one day they're so good at it. My friends circumstances are very different. They share care much more with their XP and as they both earn more, are able to offer more to their DC.

I guess if I'm brutally honest, I feel jealous. I'm so worried about my DC and how they are coping right now. I worry about their future opportunities and my friend telling me this just exacerbates this. Their DC is a lovely kid but normal in that they misbehave sometimes although my friend seems oblivious to much if this and in all honesty, their normal child misbehaviour pales against my DC's lashing out due to the problems we've got with ex etc.

It's making me want to sever the friendship but I feel like I'm being unreasonable and I shouldn't begrudge my friend wanting to share their pride for their DC. What does it say about me that I can't stand it?

So, Aibu about this? There is a twist to this story but I'm not sure how relevant to the problem it is and I don't want it to cloud the answers. I will reveal all later though.

[wooflesgoestotown]

I think you have to protect yourself if you're in a vulnerable place emotionally and spend time with people who make you feel better not worse...

As to the pp who said they know their dd is top of the class.... Get a grip, is there really one child in every class who is the best (whatever that might mean) at everything they do at school?

[brujo]

Jesus wept. What the fuck is wrong with some people? Who would actually suggest that a set could not be top because their child was not in it? You might actually think these things, but why must you verbalise it?

There was a clique that year all had autumn born girls, seemed to think none of the rules applied to them, and their offspring that sailed through with no problems and she was one of most vocal one in that group. I suspect the child was top groups years proceeding.

My DS had terrible start to school is a summer born and has underlying problems but support at home and help at school made a massive difference over time. So I supposed I can understand the shock to some extend but yes the verbalising was - I can't image how the TALK with the teacher went either .

Thankful we have moved away from that area - and we don't see any competitive parenting at this current school at all.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Because for some people all they have in their life is their child and that's where their focus is Apple so they might not have anything else to talk about.

I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with such a bore but that's my issue and my choice to make. There might be good or tragic reasons why they're that way and ultimately nobody has to be friends with anyone else but I do understand it.

[BirthdayBetty]

Competitive parenting is such a bore. I'm with pp up thread that she talking utter bullshit.
Please spill the twist

[shovetheholly]

I would just speak to her honestly - say that you feel jealous that her DC are so wonderful and well-adjusted, and you find it anxiety-provoking to listen to it. Tell her you're worried this makes you a terrible person (it doesn't, but it sort of proves you're not a terrible person because you're worried!!)

Some people just do self-congratulation. One of my friends is constantly on at me about how awesome she is - I get every compliment she's ever had relayed, along with everything nice her students have said. For some reason, she needs it all affirmed by me and when I'm feeling down, it sometimes grates just a bit. However, occasionally she rings in tears because she's had a terrible student evaluation or a row with her DP, or whatever. So it's a habit, generated by insecurity, that presents a one-sided picture, that collapses as soon as she gets emotional. Sometimes people are like this, and the best way to deal with it can be head-on.

[IdealWeather]

friend told me that their DC's teacher had said their DC along with one other in the class was the brightest and doing the best
Their DC also does a sport and has apparently been told that they could be a pro one day they're so good at it

I have a very very able child, never has any teacher said that.
I've also had a child who was doing very well in one sport, national level etc.. and I've never net a coach who say things like this, or rather not in that way. To start with, everyone is aware that the first hirdle is for them to keep on when they become teenagers and prefer to go out with friends rather than training

I think she is the one who is insecure and feel she needs to boost her dc's acheivements up.

[MrsLupo]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend even if what she's saying is true. But I agree with pp that it's highly unlikely teachers would say such things, so if she's making stuff up to tell you, then I would say she's deliberately trying to make a friend who is already having a tough time feel even worse. Do you really need friends like this?

(I think the twist is that she's your sister.)

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

As gandalf no teacher would say "your child is the brightest/ one of the brightest two in the class" - some parents hear what they want at parents evenings and can re-interpret every comment in their head, especially as teachers sometimes have to speak in euphemisms or try to say negative or mundane things in positive ways, and are told to emphasise the positive... Of course the child might be in top sets/ top tables, but that is not the same as being "the brightest in the class".

Equally its fairly unlikely a sports coach would say a young child could go pro at a sport (though that might be true if the child is a teen...). It is more likely other parents have made an off the cuff comment like that (mum friends of mine have said that about my 8 yo while watching our kids in matches, but it is utter nonsense and they don't really even mean it, it is just something nice to say - they, like me, know next to nothing about the sport and our kids play for a teeny tiny village team, he is just a slightly bigger than medium sized fish in a puddle sized pond... in fact a lot of it is down to him being physically fairly tall and strong for his age atm rather than special talent... even I know that, though of course I am unreasonably proud of the nice comments anyway :o )

People who brag about mundane stuff are hard not to want to verbally knock down so well done for not doing that (people who boast about their child doing something "early" when they have done it at exactly the developmentally normal time, or that they are unusually talented for being able to do something that most kids their age can do, or whatever) it's why people come out with that double edged, ambiguous "bless him"in response isn't it :o

Some parents can't help bragging - all of us do it sometimes when we are happy (or even relieved, if the child has previously struggled in some area) and some people are a bit more glass half full. You are worried and not in such a positive frame of mind due to your circumstances and are a bit more glass half empty at the moment. It is entirely likely that, as whole people rather than focussing on one specific area of talent or success, there is not much to choose between your children but your friend is prone to interpreting everything more positively than is strictly the objective truth and you more negatively, due to everything else you have going on.

[Bellatrixurstrange]

Spill the twist.
I think this friend is either a sibling, neighbour or ex.
Ignore the boasting. Get on with being the best you can be and all that.....
Spill the twist, though!

[AppleSetsSail]

Jeez Brujo I guess we're talking about reception age, then? It only gets worse unfortunately. Good think you left.

I am a bit of a maniac behind the scenes, but I have a firm policy of never discussing my kids' academics with anyone. I'm just going to toot my own horn here and say that my reserve is hardly shared by all in my circle.

I don't engage in the false deprecation, either - I'll say something modestly nice about my kids when asked and move on.

I'd be mortified if I made one of these wanker comments, I'd be replaying it in my head over and over again as I kicked myself.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

I highly doubt that any teacher told her that her child was top in the class and certainly not the brightest. Could you imagine the level of shite you would invite from slighted and aggrieved parents when said parent inevitably boasted about it? Why would any teacher bring that on themselves ?

Your mate is just a plonker pure and simple. Take the piss about mummy's little rocket scientist if it makes you feel better.

I'm sorry your kids are having a tough time right now, I'm sure it will all come good for them given some time.

[babybellishell]

IME the parents of the super bright DC never brag about their achievements. Mine are older teen now but the mum's used to play down their academic success.

Honestly op, they all develop in their own time and get there is the end.

[mrsjskelton]

YABU to feel threatened. She clearly thinks your DC are a force to be reckoned with. Just don't ever rise to it and focus on what your family needs.

[Gobbolino6]

Frankly, she sounds insecure or just unpleasant. I simply don't believe the teachers said that. They don't comment on class position these days....or at least not in my experience.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Hmm, I went to an event a while back. There was a woman there whose child is in my child's class. She was holding forth to her little gang of friends how her child was by far the best reader in the class and incredibly gifted academically. They were all very impressed. Perfectly nice woman, extremely nice, well mannered, charming children.

Thing is, my boy is, and always has been, the best reader in the class. He does a large proportion of his work in a special group of two with his incredibly bright (and genuinely gifted) best mate, who is by far the brightest kid in the class. This little girl is, and always has been, firmly in the middle group. I'm not saying she's not bright: it's quite a high achieving school.

I suppose she could've been unaware of my child's abilities: neither I nor super gifted lad's mum ever talk about them. But I was a bit taken aback by her bare faced lies.

[AnotherEffingOrangeRevel]

OP, if she's generally a good friend, I'd just acknowledge briefly when she says these things and move on. See if you can let these things wash over you, and she'll probably soon stop.

In the words of Tim Minchen:
Is it is some modern miracle of calculus,
That such frequent miracles don't render each one un-miraculous?

[WonderingAspie]

She's talking shit. I know my DS is one of the top ones. But I have never been told that by any of his teachers. It's pretty easy to work out. Teachers just don't say this sort of thing. One of the mums at school posted on FB before about how her child was top of the class, as told to her by the teacher. It's bullshit. And it's all about insecurity.

One of the mums I know is a bit like this. She likes to question me and find out what my child is doing/what level they are at etc to compare them. I have always given praise to hers, she has never done to mine. Since she has discovered that mine is actually ahead of hers, she doesn't do it anymore and has distanced herself from me! I cba with this competitive parenting bullshit! I'd struggle to be around your friend if I'm honest.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

A teacher would not be allowed to pull other other children down to boost your friend's "perfect" child up, and if you that's what she has done. She needs reporting.
I've never understood why parents do this, compare their child to other people's children. They're all different, some children are more academic, others are better hands on.

[Lancelottie]

How do you judge 'best reader' anyway? Once they can read what's in front of them, it all gets a bit subjective - are we talking longest word un-stumbled, most splendid Shakespearean-style expression, sheer ability to drone on down pages of text, or what?

Actually, though, some teachers are tactless enough to mention 'best in class at...' at parents' evening. We had it a couple of times with (gifted plus SEN) DS1. I suspect they were trying to cheer us up before the inevitable 'but...' part of the discussion

[Lancelottie]

...which tended to go on rather longer.

[SlimCheesy]

Just wondering, but is there an interpretation issue? When asked I say that my DS is doing 'really well, we are very pleased'. In fact, he is autistic and is very much behind everyone else, but he is progressing very well compared to his achievements LAST term and so I AM genuinely pleased and the teacher did genuinely say he is 'doing really well'. Another person might think that what I am saying is that he is outstanding in his class...but he is not. I am just delighted with what he is achieving.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Lancelottie "How do you judge 'best reader' anyway? Once they can read what's in front of them, it all gets a bit subjective - are we talking longest word un-stumbled, most splendid Shakespearean-style expression, sheer ability to drone on down pages of text, or what?" :o :o

That's what I was thinking :o It also made me think of an agricultural fair - "Best In Class" :o

[Gobbolino6]

There should be a rosette pinned to the selected child.

[DreamingofTuscany]

It makes me laugh when I read people's posts on Facebook about how great their kids are, how reading reports / hearing from the teacher on parents evening made them cry with pride (really ), how they are the best in class etc.

I am waiting to see if they still post their feelings when they are in secondary school and maybe aren't doing quite so well. I'm guessing not.

[NewLife4Me]

I've been to many parents evenings too, all sorts of different schools in different areas and have 3 dc (we moved a lot)

Never have I heard a teacher speak like this they just don't.
As for the sport, well yes, some coaches/teachers may say this to boost confidence as well as for those who are amazingly talented.

It must be difficult if you believe you can't give your children what you would like to, but you sound like you are doing a brilliant job under difficult circumstances, being the only parent there for your children.
There really is no need to be jealous she sounds like she needs validation for her children's talents, you sound proud of yours whatever their talents are.