to feel threatened by this competitive parenting?

[Winged]

This concerns a friend I've known a couple of years. They have one DC, I have two, one the same age as friend's, one younger. They don't go to the same school.

I really like my friend, we have a lot in common and have a very similar sense of humour. They've also been there for me a lot over the time I've known them. There is just one thing that really bothers me - they think the sun shines out their DC's backside and love to tell me about their achievements quite often. Sometimes it's probably warranted, other times it's over the most mundane crap that all DC do.

My DC are academically bright and have their own talents but I'm not the type to show off or tell people other than my immediate family really. However, after I separated from their abusive father, my DC (the eldest in particular) are experiencing some severe emotional problems and I'm struggling to find the right help. They have hobbies and interests but as my ex is next to useless, this all falls to me and it's tiring. Life is stressful for me for a multitude of reasons and I feel this adversely impacts the opportunities my DC have. My friend is well aware of our circumstances and been witness to some of our problems.

Obviously it's parents evenings at many schools right now and my friend told me that their DC is overachieving in every area. Last parents evening, friend told me that their DC's teacher had said their DC along with one other in the class was the brightest and doing the best. Their DC also does a sport and has apparently been told that they could be a pro one day they're so good at it. My friends circumstances are very different. They share care much more with their XP and as they both earn more, are able to offer more to their DC.

I guess if I'm brutally honest, I feel jealous. I'm so worried about my DC and how they are coping right now. I worry about their future opportunities and my friend telling me this just exacerbates this. Their DC is a lovely kid but normal in that they misbehave sometimes although my friend seems oblivious to much if this and in all honesty, their normal child misbehaviour pales against my DC's lashing out due to the problems we've got with ex etc.

It's making me want to sever the friendship but I feel like I'm being unreasonable and I shouldn't begrudge my friend wanting to share their pride for their DC. What does it say about me that I can't stand it?

So, Aibu about this? There is a twist to this story but I'm not sure how relevant to the problem it is and I don't want it to cloud the answers. I will reveal all later though.

[carefreeeee]

It sounds annoying - and the fact that he's your BF makes it worse as you have to deal with it more and also your own DC might be affected. It doesn't seem in the spirit of a loving relationship to be like that - any more than a partner should boast about earning more/ being better looking/ having a better car/etc.

Could he be a bit guilty/jealous that he doesn't live with his DC all the time? Maybe you could discuss with him why he feels the need to behave this way.

In terms of achievement, what's important is that your DC are loved, confident, happy, polite and kind people, now and in the future. All other achievements mean nothing without that. Of course all parents should be proud of their children - not just the ones that are best at reading etc

[Winged]

I think he just enjoys being best at everything and his DC being 'best' is an extension of this.

I'm not sure he is outright lying, but I do think he either exaggerates, or as pp have suggested, is twisting in his own mind what other people are saying about his DC. I think he genuinely believes that his DC is the most amazing being to walk the earth and somehow ignores stuff that doesn't fit with this image/belief. I'm similarly proud of my DC but I'm not deluded enough to think that they are the best at absolutely everything ever. I'm realistic. I guess having more than one DC forces you to acknowledge that because they're just so different! Even with shared DNA.

I've spent a long time trying to rationalise my feelings and that's part of the reason I posted. I think I fear inequality in our (eventual) blended family. I don't know how others have dealt with this in blended set ups. He also desperately wants a DC with me at some point and I worry about how this will manifest when we have a shared child. I'm not naturally competitive in that I don't seek out competition but I'm very easily drawn (internally) when someone is being competitive with me. I don't particularly like this quality in myself so perhaps it's a bit of projection from self loathing. There's also the fact that his DC doing so well highlights how much my DC are suffering right now. I so badly want the best for them and this in my mind, proves they're not getting the same chances (not accounting for natural ability).

[Winged]

Many x-posts there. Wow coffee., absolutely so similar. My eldest DC is exactly the same and I've wondered about possible SEN. I'm trying so hard to get her help. She did improve for a few months then XH got himself yet another new gf, rushed the introductions and she's slowly reverting back to regular meltdowns and suicide threats.

I do think BF feels jealous that I live more or less full time with my DC. He also thinks that I am a better and more engaged parent than his ex (who has apparently never been very hands on) and so I think he feels the need to overcompensate for this. However, whilst he feels his ex isn't as engaged as she could be (I've never met her but she does leave DC with babysitters rather a lot) my DC also have a terrible parent who isn't just disengaged but downright abusive.

[RandomMess]

Do you really want to be with someone who has the desperate need to "be the best at everything" to the extent that they see their DC as an extension of themselves rather than a person in their own right?

He really doesn't sound very "healthy" - why does anyone need to be in competition with their own partner????

[Janecc]

If he sees his child as an extension of him, he may be a narcissist. Narcissists are very difficult to live with. In any case, a relationship can only work if he treats your lovely 8 yr old the same as his child. Perhaps your child is suffering right now and with love and care from you will likely blossom over time - because you are aware of what's going on and want to help them. 8 is very young and children are resilient. On the other hand, his child will probably suffer because neither parent are engaging correctly. One is seemingly disengaged and the other too engaged (possibly to compensate for his ex) in a less than healthy way.

[AnneOfCleavage]

Sorry if this has already been said but I have only read the OP posts and a few either side.

If your BF DC goes to a failing school then as long as they are coping in class, able to read well and write joined up (or whatever it is that 8 yr olds should be doing to get their levels) then compared to more deprived children he would be flying academically. On the other hand your DC of the same age goes to a more nurturing school it seems so may be doing just as well but compared to some children who's parents are pushy may look like they aren't doing as well but could well be doing very well. Also different school level differently and word things differently.

My DD went to a small exclusive private school where she seemed to be very average and never won the class prize for being the best etc but now she's at a state secondary she is flying and achieving very highly so it's just comparative to the other children in the class.

Also you know what they say about braggy parents: it's not all it seems and often it's hiding the truth. On fb my DH never wishes me happy anniversary/birthday/valentines day etc and how much he loves me as he shows me that he does every day by being kind, thoughtful, helpful and a wonderful father. A friends DH posts gushy posts about what a wonderful wife and mother my friend is and thank you so much for this or that but is the laziest human being ever known and wears earplugs to bed so the DC don't disturb him and out playing sports or at the pub 5 evenings a week so gets out of bathing and putting DC to bed and it's just false and makes me sick when other friends comment on how lucky my friend is to have him.

You may need to pull back from him for a while and concentrate on your own DC and yourself as this jealousy will eat you up and will take away the energy needed to help your DC through this emotional tough time.

for you.

[Winged]

I understand what you're saying Random, especially as this thread focuses solely on this issue. But aside from what I've written here, he's an incredible partner is many many ways and I'm very happy with him aside from this.

In the past I've adopted the Madagascar penguin approach; smile and wave (or nod) but it's becoming harder and harder to do that, especially as my DC display more and more difficult behaviour.

I'm not even sure he's competing with me (although I feel competitive internally when he's boasting). I think he wants me to agree that his DC is amazing but whilst I can to an extent, there is just some stuff I can't get excited about because it's what every other kid can do anyway. And obviously it feels very insensitive when he can see himself how much my DC are struggling right now. It also doesn't help that I feel he's a little blinded to the realities, ie. that his DC does misbehave too.

He talks a lot about work and how good he is. There are times when I've switched off but mostly I'm happy to listen and agree with him because I know he just wants validation from me. But it feels different when he does the same about his DC, and I don't know why this is. I even feel a little bit of rage when he's showing off about how close they are and painting himself as an extraordinary parent, possibly because we're very different on that front and I don't actually agree with some of his approaches (not that I ever tell him this).

[ifcatscouldtalk]

Don't be jealous, be amused. I work with someone whose kids are by all accounts amazing at everything, plus always polite, never play her up. They aren't teens yet but I have a feeling she'll still be all the joys of spring about them. Fair enough to be positive about your child(ren) but people that go overboard always make me wonder if it's really that wonderful. (I tend to smile and say " that's great" than change the subject. )

[RandomMess]

I think what strikes me though is that you can't discuss it with him!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

"...painting himself as an extraordinary parent, possibly because we're very different on that front and I don't actually agree with some of his approaches (not that I ever tell him this)."

Umm. OK, so he's a brilliant bloke apart from his insistence that his son is the second coming, and can do no wrong; and his parenting is very different from yours.

Are you sure you want to inflict this man on your DC in their own home? If you can't even discuss with him the differences in your parenting approaches, how are you going to deal with it when he starts attempting to parent your DC in a way that you don't approve of? And it's giving you the rage already! How much worse is it going to be when he's telling you that your DC are badly behaved in comparison with his shining light, because your parenting isn't up to his superlative standard? At SOME point you're going to flip and tell him exactly what you think of his parenting techniques AND his child, and it might not be pretty.

You really need to learn to talk to him about this (and possibly other things) and develop better understanding of each others' feelings and motivations, before you consider moving in together.

[shovetheholly]

Kids, like adults, have good times and bad times. Just because your DC are struggling with difficult circumstances now does not make them worse than his DC, or 'behind' in any way. It sounds to me like he's storing up a lot of parenting issues for the future, to be honest. Being a golden child is quite a pressurised thing. Your attitude, overall, sounds quite a lot healthier and more liable to build happiness and self-confidence in the long run.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

His poor kids being set up for the scales to fall from his eyes and the resulting disappointment.

Anyways I have no clue about the parents evenings I'm that paremt who usually leaves crying after being told mine are satans spawn or being stupidly excited because one managed to hold a pencil.

I just wanted to say.

If you have a splitz center near you ask them about their domestic abuse children's support group and services.

If you don't then try your local children's center and see if they know of a local service.

There are some fantastic recovery groups for kids around they are worth doing (kids not you) if you can get them a place

[madmotherof2]

Unfortunately in life there are people like that!

I've become very friendly with one of the mums at school, we do a lot together, both Sahms. She has a brilliant sense of humour and when our boys are not part of the discussion we get on brilliantly, however she has a very braggy tendency, which ok at times is alright, however sometimes she just can't stop herself. for instance at the moment we are going through a major medical problem with DS2 ( chemo) and if I say DS is tired, her DS will be too, even more so. The worst was recently DS hasn't been eating well and was being threatened with a feeding tube as he was losing weight, when talking to her about it her reply was " really?! Well johnny would eat all of that and more!" Really makes me feel great!!

She's very competitive at school too, which I turn off from but I find the comparing notes over illness a little bit of a kick in the teeth at the moment!!

[Roussette]

Bottom line to me is - he just sounds mean. He is meant to care for you - why would he make you feel even worse about your DC when it is obvious there are some issues and your DD is struggling? Only someone who is mean.

It could be amusing if it were a friend but it just isn't funny when it's a DP to be honest.

Is he so dim that he doesn't realise?

[brujo]

Jeez Brujo I guess we're talking about reception age, then? It only gets worse unfortunately. Good think you left

Yr 2 though she was still muttering in yr3. He had an awful reception year and spent yr 1 making up for it.A lot of the younger children were sort of finding their level in yr 2.

OP all I can suggest is that you change the subject - I find that work with my family and hearing how wonderful DN is. I don't mind a bit of that but every conversation and I find I start to resent DN.

Or possibly find an opportunity to ask him if he has concern and how you can help or possibly why he does this or ask for the exact words that were said.

I had an awful primary school experience but really came into my own at secondary so I wound't make assumption about either child yet.

[SilverBirchWithout]

The thing is some people like to be in relationships (as a friend or partner) with someone who makes them feel better about themselves in comparison.

Your DBF does sound like he needs to bolster himself up in comparison with others. Be very careful, how you are feeling internally when talks about his DC is not necessarily your own insecurity, his behaviour indicates he is causing this feeling.

It's telling that he compares his Ex's parenting style with yours less favourably it sounds like he is flattering himself about his current better DP, rather than flattering you.

I can't help wonder, if you do go on to have DC together, whether he will start competing with you about who is the better or coolest parent.

IMHO a shared or complementary parenting style is the key to a thriving relationship and DC. Please think long and hard about how you want this relationship to progress, helpful support is what you need at the moment with DD not this.

[HellonHeels]

From my reading of your posts, he sounds incredibly boring. I'd hate to listen to anyone going on endlessly about how great they were at work and how wonderful their children are academically and at sports.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life listening to that? Does he take any kind of interest in you and how you are getting on at work? Does he comment positively on your DCs?

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

What Anne said upthread is right though. Mine used to go to a very normal intake primary. DD1 was streets ahead of most of the kids in her class (I used to volunteer there so saw this for myself).

We moved to a naice village school with very engaged educated parents and suddenly DD was borderline middle/higher group. To be honest, her confidence took a battering that she didn't recover from until about year 10.

It is possible that your DP genuinely believes his child is very clever.

But remember, simply by keeping your child at a high attaining school, you are doing more for them than a shed load of extracuriculars.

[curren]

The fact that he is your partner completely changes it.

Because your partner should know how insecure you are feeling.

I can out up with braggy friends fb they had other qualities that outweighed that.

I couldn't put up with a partner who treat his kids as perfect and put the blame on mine.

Either he knows how you feel and does it anyway, or you aren't close enough to discuss this issue. Which isn't great in a two year relationship.

[spanky2]

Comparing against other children in the class is pointless. If the rest of the class are Mensa genius' your child looks below expectations. If the class has many below average children your child suddenly looks like a genius. I used to be a teacher and I would never say over achieving. It's meaningless. There is always more to learn. Over achieving implies that you have reached the top level and there's nothing more to learn.
I'd take what she says with a pinch of salt.

[spanky2]

Boyfriend ! Just caught up. That's a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't want to share my heart with someone who is by implication criticising my dcs. I know they always say ltb, but honestly, what a kn*bbish way to behave!

[paxillin]

I bet he brags about your qualities when you are not there. He brags about his own ability and his kid's abilities. When the child is a teen s/he won't want to be daddy's accessory. Daddy will drop the child or really lay into him/her. It's what insufferable braggarts do, they need their accessories to function and at teenage it is harder to claim top spot.

I know so many hyper-gifted top of the class 7 year olds, and very very few at 18. At 18 it is abundantly clear if somebody has a staggering gift, and that is of course ultra rare.

[spanky2]

I agree with janecc.

[MerryMarigold]

and painting himself as an extraordinary parent, possibly because we're very different on that front and I don't actually agree with some of his approaches (not that I ever tell him this).

I think this relationship has quite serious issues. He shows off, he's not supportive of what you're going through with your DC and you have different approaches to parenting, but can't talk about it because you're scared of how he will react. How are you going to collective parent your DC? How are you going to deal with the very many issues of blended families? How are you going to parent a potential joint DC? How is he going to relate to his new DC, his current DC and your current DC. I just can't see any good coming out of this. I think going down the line the issues will be very damaging to your children, and will be very difficult to resolve without consistent family and couple counselling. He sounds like a difficult man, and I am not sure how damaged you were by exh, but perhaps you are also not in a place to be able to handle someone like him.

[Duckdeamon]

Completely different scenario that this is your bf. He sounds bad news: don't move in or have a child with him!