to feel threatened by this competitive parenting?

[Winged]

This concerns a friend I've known a couple of years. They have one DC, I have two, one the same age as friend's, one younger. They don't go to the same school.

I really like my friend, we have a lot in common and have a very similar sense of humour. They've also been there for me a lot over the time I've known them. There is just one thing that really bothers me - they think the sun shines out their DC's backside and love to tell me about their achievements quite often. Sometimes it's probably warranted, other times it's over the most mundane crap that all DC do.

My DC are academically bright and have their own talents but I'm not the type to show off or tell people other than my immediate family really. However, after I separated from their abusive father, my DC (the eldest in particular) are experiencing some severe emotional problems and I'm struggling to find the right help. They have hobbies and interests but as my ex is next to useless, this all falls to me and it's tiring. Life is stressful for me for a multitude of reasons and I feel this adversely impacts the opportunities my DC have. My friend is well aware of our circumstances and been witness to some of our problems.

Obviously it's parents evenings at many schools right now and my friend told me that their DC is overachieving in every area. Last parents evening, friend told me that their DC's teacher had said their DC along with one other in the class was the brightest and doing the best. Their DC also does a sport and has apparently been told that they could be a pro one day they're so good at it. My friends circumstances are very different. They share care much more with their XP and as they both earn more, are able to offer more to their DC.

I guess if I'm brutally honest, I feel jealous. I'm so worried about my DC and how they are coping right now. I worry about their future opportunities and my friend telling me this just exacerbates this. Their DC is a lovely kid but normal in that they misbehave sometimes although my friend seems oblivious to much if this and in all honesty, their normal child misbehaviour pales against my DC's lashing out due to the problems we've got with ex etc.

It's making me want to sever the friendship but I feel like I'm being unreasonable and I shouldn't begrudge my friend wanting to share their pride for their DC. What does it say about me that I can't stand it?

So, Aibu about this? There is a twist to this story but I'm not sure how relevant to the problem it is and I don't want it to cloud the answers. I will reveal all later though.

[Atenco]

Mmm. My dd is grown up now, but I always preferred to share my problems with her with other people rather than to claim that she was perfect. I think I may have done her a disservice there, but as a mother I know we all have problems with our children and there is nothing crueller than being surrounded by other people claiming that they never have any problems with their children.

I really don't think you should set up house with this man, particularly if your children are going through hard times as it is. He will be a hindrance rather than a help and your children must be your priority.

[kawliga]

There is no such thing as being the 'best reader' in the class. All depends on what is being measured, as a pp said - 'reading' covers a whole load of things. It is possible to be the fastest runner, scorer of the most goals, reader of the most books, reading books at the highest level, etc, but impossible to simply be the 'best reader'. Even a term like 'best sportsperson' usually has something it is measuring - and there are always many contenders for 'best sportsperson' because many have achieved excellence being 'top' in various aspects of whatever sport they do.

Mums/dads who say their child is the 'best reader' are very very sad.

[TimeToMuskUp]

My children are asshats. Both of them. All the very lovely parents I know would claim the same; only the fools believe the competitive hype.

I'd be quite wary of someone who needed to paint themselves and their DCs as perfect. Especially in this situation; it just doesn't strike me as a "great parent" thing to do. What happens when one of your DCs inevitably outshines his at something? When his DC screws up, gets something wrong or hits a rough patch?

[TimeToMuskUp]

Also, DS1 is a great reader, brilliant in fact. But he has little understanding of nuances and how to infer anything from a text so if you gave him something way above his reading age that provided the answers, you'd think "shit a brick, this kid's a genius". If you gave him something to interpret and understand which he had to draw his own conclusions from, you'd think "what a useless bollock". Every 'gift' comes with a counter. Most parents realise this. Again, it would worry me to meet a parent who felt compelled to brag about something so clearly unattached to anything they've done; DS1 is a great reader because he just is. It's nothing I've done or achieved. His glories are his own, I don't like parents who dine out on their DCs strengths.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Mums/dads who say their child is the 'best reader' are very very sad.

Whatever. My boy was always a couple of levels above the other kids, read with fluency and expression, understood what the books were about. Now he is a free reader he devours books and has a good discerning sense of what is trashy, but enjoyable, and what is great kids' literature.

And no, I would never say to anyone in real life that my boy was the best reader in the class. A few parents in the past have mentioned to me that their kid has identified my boy as the best at reading, or they have commented on his reading level and I have just shrugged and said, "Yeah he likes reading".

He is currently the best reader in the class, but I am under no illusions that it is a guarantee that he will always succeed academically.

[kawliga]

He is currently the best reader in the class

That's as meaningless as saying 'he is currently the best sportsman in the class'. It means fuck all. Faster runner, yes, we can see who was first past the post. Most goals, yes, we can count up goals. Best sportsman, depends on what we value most in sporting life.

You can't say his fluency is the most fluent in the class or his expression is the most expressive in the class, or that his understanding of the book was the best understanding in the class, because that would just be stupid. I might find another child's expression to be more authentic than your child's expression, or prefer another child's interpretation of the story to be better than your child's.

To say your child is the 'best reader' is like saying my red jumper is the reddest jumper in the world. There are different shades of colour, and different interpretations of 'best'.

[kawliga]

their kid has identified my boy as the best at reading

This is hilarious I really hope you didn't conclude your boy was 'the best' at reading because another parent told you their kid said so. I get this from my dd 'Sally is the best at spelling, then me, then Bobby' and I don't assume that this is some kind of scientific assessment of who is 'best' at spelling in her class (whatever that means). 'Best' is always a value judgment on which reasonable people can have different opinions.

Edit: meant to say fastest runner in my post above. My writing goes wonky late at night. Although even then, it's not often that you have a kid who consistently wins every single race (does happen, of course). Usually there are one or two or even three that are the 'fastest'.

[paxillin]

Asked dc who's the best in class earlier (8yo). Answer: X is the best at climbing and Y is the most fun. Looked at me like I lost the plot when I specified best reader .

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Whatever. My kid is the best reader by several measures and acknowledged by his peers as the best reader.

And his best mate is the best sportsman by a country mile; absute star of the football team, fastest runner by far, fastest swimmer, immaculate hand eye coordination.

Some kids are the best. Someone has to be the best. I would never mention it in real life but it is a fact. I was the best reader when I was in primary, always levels ahead of the other kids and enjoying and understanding books meant for older kids.

Some kids are really good at stuff. Some kids are the best at a thing. Shock horror. It's not a revolutionary concept.

[MerryMarigold]

Some kids are the best. Someone has to be the best.

Best at WHAT though?!!

I have a ds1 (10) who is the 'best' at poetry, using exceptional language, interpreting texts and meaning (particularly in poetry), amazingly imaginative and has far and away the most beautiful handwriting in the class. He's also very hardworking. He's probably one of the worst at punctuation and grammar, spelling and structuring his writing.

Ds2 (7) is great at sports (though I very much doubt he is good enough to be a pro at anything, he's just 'sporty' currently, at 7). He is fantastic at Maths, spelling, reading (though without much expression or understanding of the text), but he is rather lazy as it's all so 'easy' for him. Almost the direct opposite of ds1. Guess who FEELS they are best though?

This is because primary schools, particularly, generally encourage a very small and specific set of skills. As time goes on (University and work) hard work and being able to think differently/ creatively will make you go far, not really being a good all rounder.

[x2boys]

how exactly do posters know their children are the best readers etc ,i know my son has really struggled with reading and has only this year started reading properly yr 4 but i have know idea about his classmates.

[x2boys]

and being good at reading doesnt really mean anything in the great scheme of things when i was my sons age i read everything i could get my hands on i have always loved reading i was never academic however and struggled with exams and assignments .

[MrsBobDylan]

As a parent of a child with sn, we always get the 'there seems to be a disproportionately large number of parents with children with sn on mn'. It would seem from this thread that we also have a disproportionately large number of parents of very gifted kids too.

[x2boys]

always the same on these types of threads Mrs I can categorically say neither of my kids are very gifted ds1 struggles academically and ds2 also has special needs but i love them vey much and am very proud of every little thing they acheive.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

My good reader boy is the youngest (by quite a bit) of my four. Having seen his elder siblings fail and excel at different things at different points in their lives, I'm not too carried away by him bring the best reader at 9.
I actually think a good work ethic is the key to achievement.

[Winged]

Hi everyone, again, thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. Some of the competitiveness talked about on here is just awful. I can't name check as on my phone, but the PP who has someone competing over illness, well, I have no words.

I haven't mentioned it but I also have an older DC who is doing GCSEs this year. He has always struggled academically and has suspected dyslexia so I know what it's like to be the parent who cried at parents evening. Even so, he has a wicked sense of humour, is really creative and is truly a lovely young man who treats others very well and is extremely helpful to others. I know that academic achievement is not the be all and end all but as I was raised in a family who value academic achievement so highly, I think I sometimes lose sight of that. This thread has really helped to pull me back to reality.

What prompted me to post was that BF told me about parents evening the same day as my middle DC (8yo) had been excluded from an after school club for losing her temper. I had been dreading the inevitable boasting but it really hit a nerve that day. Thing is, I think I'm probably being unreasonable because, if he was accurately describing the report, that his DC is at the exceeding level, then why shouldn't he tell me? I don't expect him to lie to make me feel better but I still find it so hard to listen to.

This thread is really helping me to analyse why that is. I still don't fully know, but as PPs have suggested, it's probably because by implication, my DC are somehow 'worse'. But this better/worse dynamic was introduced because whenever there is an argument or fight between the DC, BF always makes out that my DC are at fault because his DC doesn't misbehave. So I think the boasting feeds into this.

I'm always amazed at how perceptive MNetters are from limited information. I can't name check but two PPs have said that he probably boasts about me. I've not connected the dots until now, but actually, yes he does! I know that he talks a lot about me to his friends but he's also told me that one of his friends is jealous that he's got me. I've never met this guy so he can only be inferring this from what BF has told him. I don't think I'm anything particularly special. But then, perhaps I should be flattered that he thinks so highly of me, unless of course he's doing it as a reflection on himself rather than me.

I don't know, but I'm really unhappy right now. For the most part we do have a really good relationship. He doesn't just talk about himself, we can talk about anything and everything and have spent many a night up until the early hours talking about all sorts. He's very intelligent, emotionally and academically, and very interesting. Is it weird that I know his IQ score though? He does take a big interest in me, my life, my philosophies and my work. He also takes a big interest in my DC and is very complimentary towards them unless they're misbehaving (which is frequently at the moment). He's also complimentary about my family and his work colleagues. He actually sees the good in most people. He's definitely an optimist and generally a really lovely guy. Which makes me think I am the problem. Maybe he is just being nice? Even about his DC.

I was listening to him talking last night and he does talk about himself a lot but I'm not sure if I'm noticing it more right now? I'm starting to think I'm just bitter and jealous. I was also thinking that I'm a little jealous of him. I admire a great many of his qualities and wish I could be like him in some respects. Having said that, there are some things that he's not great at and I am, but he's quick to acknowledge this. I was diagnosed shortly after meeting him with an auto immune disorder that has hugely affected my health. I'm struggling with coming to terms with this and a new identity because I'm just not the same person that I was. He does his best to support me though and tells me often how much he liked/respects/admires me.

Wtf is wrong with me? I have been very happy with him until now but the boasting about his DC is going round and round my head and making me want to back right off from this relationship. I don't know what to do . Maybe I should be working on myself rather than blaming him?

[Zucker]

Thanks for the laughs reading this thread. I know my child is the BEST*

*at tickle fights

[Zucker]

Wtf is wrong with me? I have been very happy with him until now but the boasting about his DC is going round and round my head and making me want to back right off from this relationship. I don't know what to do . Maybe I should be working on myself rather than blaming him?


There's nothing wrong with you, I'd imagine you're thinking realistically about your future with him and if it's viable. Can you see you all blended and happy or will you be the one shielding your child/children from his comments?

[TinySombrero]

Kids do often rank each other ( for the oddest things) and will chat about it.

I think this is tricky because some otherwise sane and lovely people are a bit blind to their own children and their own competitiveness.

My Dh is lovely but a bit competitive and he irritates ME in talking about OUR shared children! He gets a little over invested in the show off and performance side of things while not bothering much with getting them to practice anything..

I forgive people for being a bit bonkers over their children but it crosses a line if they put others down.

[AppleSetsSail]

how exactly do posters know their children are the best readers etc ,i know my son has really struggled with reading and has only this year started reading properly yr 4 but i have know idea about his classmates.

You spy on other children as they swap their books. Purple = Best Reader, Green = Middle Reader, Yellow = Worst Reader.

[MerryMarigold]

OP, I think you just need to really examine why you can't talk to him about these issues/ his faults, and why he is so defensive if he is a really positive/ confident person.

Being able to talk, and address things, is the key to a long term relationship. If you feel you can't speak, or won't be heard if you do, there is certainly a deeper issue.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

TinklyLittleLaugh how are you measuring his "best reader" status if he's 9?

At reception I can see it might seem clear - one kid can read almost anything you hand her / him fluently (though not necessarily always with great understanding, depending what it is) while most of the rest are still grappling with phonics and blending...

But at 9 most of them just read whatever they want, mostly privately, don't they? Do you mean he is -"the best" (most fluent and expressive) at reading aloud? Surely that can be the only thing 9 year olds have to base their ranking of reading skills on?

[MerryMarigold]

You spy on other children as they swap their books.

That usually ends in Y2, certainly before 9

[RandomMess]

Actually is he just insecure, why else does he need to boast about you and his DC etc.?

I really do think you need to have an open and honest discussion about his refusal to accept that sometimes his DC may be at "fault" when the DC argue or it isn't going to work. Why isn't his DC being taught compassion towards yours and to understand they are having a tough time etc.?

If he still can't discuss this properly at a neutral time then there is an issue. If you can't open up and tell him how much you are struggling around this then there is an issue.

Perhaps you do need to just work on yourself but if you can't be open and honest and him be on your side then he probably isn't the right person to create a blended family with at this moment in time.

[Winged]

I'm pretty sure that he's insecure but tries to cover that up. We go through periods where he's paranoid that I'm going to leave him. It is exhausting sometimes to have to reassure him.

He gets incredibly defensive if I raise any issue that means I'm less than 100% happy. He's quite big on us being honest with each other but I find myself burying my feelings and pretending I'm always ok with everything even when I'm not. Until now it's been quite easy but I'm really finding it hard going keeping my feelings to myself and I'm generally feeling down and snappy with him. He's picked up on this and asked me several times what's wrong and I momentarily think of being honest but decide against it and usually blame my illness (not entirely untrue as I'm going through a very bad patch health wise).

I suppose part of the problem is that I think I am being unreasonable to feel like this. The other is that I know he won't react well, will become defensive, upset and paranoid that I don't want to be with him. I've then got to spend energy convincing him that I still love him and want to be together, just that I'm unhappy about certain things. So, nothing ever gets resolved. We're so good together normally that I feel pressure to keep it like that all the time even when it belies what I'm actually feeling. I'm fast approaching breaking point though.