to feel threatened by this competitive parenting?

[Winged]

This concerns a friend I've known a couple of years. They have one DC, I have two, one the same age as friend's, one younger. They don't go to the same school.

I really like my friend, we have a lot in common and have a very similar sense of humour. They've also been there for me a lot over the time I've known them. There is just one thing that really bothers me - they think the sun shines out their DC's backside and love to tell me about their achievements quite often. Sometimes it's probably warranted, other times it's over the most mundane crap that all DC do.

My DC are academically bright and have their own talents but I'm not the type to show off or tell people other than my immediate family really. However, after I separated from their abusive father, my DC (the eldest in particular) are experiencing some severe emotional problems and I'm struggling to find the right help. They have hobbies and interests but as my ex is next to useless, this all falls to me and it's tiring. Life is stressful for me for a multitude of reasons and I feel this adversely impacts the opportunities my DC have. My friend is well aware of our circumstances and been witness to some of our problems.

Obviously it's parents evenings at many schools right now and my friend told me that their DC is overachieving in every area. Last parents evening, friend told me that their DC's teacher had said their DC along with one other in the class was the brightest and doing the best. Their DC also does a sport and has apparently been told that they could be a pro one day they're so good at it. My friends circumstances are very different. They share care much more with their XP and as they both earn more, are able to offer more to their DC.

I guess if I'm brutally honest, I feel jealous. I'm so worried about my DC and how they are coping right now. I worry about their future opportunities and my friend telling me this just exacerbates this. Their DC is a lovely kid but normal in that they misbehave sometimes although my friend seems oblivious to much if this and in all honesty, their normal child misbehaviour pales against my DC's lashing out due to the problems we've got with ex etc.

It's making me want to sever the friendship but I feel like I'm being unreasonable and I shouldn't begrudge my friend wanting to share their pride for their DC. What does it say about me that I can't stand it?

So, Aibu about this? There is a twist to this story but I'm not sure how relevant to the problem it is and I don't want it to cloud the answers. I will reveal all later though.

[RockUnit]

Perhaps your boyfriend feels close enough to you to be honest about how his DC is getting on. It doesn't mean he's being competitive.

[paxillin]

You live with your dc, there are two of them. I presume he does not live with his child I bet he's more jealous of you and your kids than you are of him and his kid.

[mouldycheesefan]

Teachers do say things like that.
But a wise parent never repeats it to anyone else.

[AppleSetsSail]

Yes. If you're functioning as a family unit, then you're really being unreasonable.

Personally, I'd be pleased if a man were this keenly interested in his children.

[mouldycheesefan]

Ah ok, well repeating to a partner because you are proud I think is ok. But I can see it makes things difficult for you. Tricky.

[DreamingofTuscany]

Winged - I agree with wooflesgoestotown.

I think you need to just think to yourself what you have just said - that you can't compare apples to oranges. They go to different schools. Also, you don't say what ages they are (that I saw) - just because your child excels at 5 really does not mean they will do well at secondary (or keep up the effort!)

People who drone on about their children being top of the class need to get a life outside their child. Obviously it's fine to be proud but really.... I tell my ds that I am proud of him as long as his reports say his effort has been 100%. He is one of the best readers in his class - but he is 7 so I am guessing that the others will catch up as I don't know anyone that can't read

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Friend = boyfriend is quite a twist and means all the "downgrade the friendship" advice turns into LTB :o

Is he insecure about his relationship with his child Winged or does he feel guilty for the relationship with his child's mum breaking down? Does he have 50/50 custody? Disney Dad? Or is he insecure generally?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes YABU to feel threatened. For whatever reason, and whether it's true or not, this woman has the need to "big up" her child, and, by extension, herself.

This is intrinsically not threatening to you. Annoying, irritating, but not threatening.

If you are unable to inwardly roll your eyes, while outwardly agreeing how marvellous little Johnny must be, then let the friendship drift. But your own child's achievements are stand-alone, and are the only ones that should matter to you, there is no need to allow this person to rile you with her tales of over-achievement.

Just nod and smile when she gets started, vaguely acknowledge, then move on to talk about other things; or as I said, just let the friendship drift.

[StarOnTheTree]

Not at my kids' school. I have been left with the impression that schools are reluctant to foment high expectations among the tigers.

At my kid's school the teachers are honest about the children's achievements. As they should be!

It's just a shame that parents have to repeat, twist, or exaggerate what the teachers have said and then repeat that stuff to other parents. I have 2 friends in one particular friendship group and one does the exaggerated bragging and the other feels like the OP even though her DC is doing well too. It's awful to see my friend being concerned about her DC's achievements just because our other friend exaggerates so much

[mouldycheesefan]

Op the twist is meaning that some of the advice doesn't apply. Not sure why you have done this, how bizarre.

[Bellatrixurstrange]

If your friend is your boyfriend then he needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that there's a difference between being proud and boasting. You are NOT in competition with him to be the "better" parent or produce the "better" child.

That's just totally fucked up for you both and on the real victims - the children -involved. Nip.It.In.The.Bud. How sad.

[NoSquirrels]

Aren't those "3 levels" defunct now? I thought that the exceeding/attaining/emerging levels were scrapped this year?

I would hate this, but mostly because I would think that the underlying issues it expresses will inevitably rub off on my DC as the relationship goes on. That a DP who is so openly competitive about their DC is not likely to be supportive of my DC as they grow up. Doubly magnified as your Dc are struggling with divorce and a difficult father-figure already.

Sorry, OP.

[AppleSetsSail]

At my kid's school the teachers are honest about the children's achievements. As they should be!

Naturally. But the OP's friend (who is in fact her boyfriend!) has said that the teacher says his children are at the top of the class. This is an entirely different kettle of fish than explaining what a child has achieved.

[RabbitSaysWoof]

In that case I would tell him it straight. If you have a good relationship he will get over himself and stop if he is told how it makes you feel.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Balls, sorry, xposted because I took so fecking long to type my post!

Sorry, yes, I can now see why you are threatened by this sort of thing, and that you can't just let the friendship drift. Well you could, actually. And I think I would.

So I'll change my stance just a little - if your boyfriend is insensitive to the situation of your DC now, it's not going to improve, is it. If he's determined that his child is better than yours no matter what, then he's not going to be a good step-parent to your DC, is he. So if this is just a casual thing, then ok - but if you were planning a long term relationship, I'd find someone who ISN'T so determined that their child must be the best, and must be better than yours. It's not conducive to a happy home for your DC. :(

[AnotherEffingOrangeRevel]

friend doesn't take criticism, however slight, well at all. So I'm too nervous to be direct.

If this is a general thing, OP, I suggest treading carefully in this relationship. Sorry if that comment is out of order given that it's not the main point of your thread.

[Winged]

To answer some questions: I've been with BF two years, our same aged DC are both 8 although there's a few months between them.

It's not just what he says, it's the tone, frequency and this odd look he gets when he's telling me. It's also the complete inability to recognise any of DC's less desirable qualities. If our DC are bickering, BF will categorically tell me that his DC hasn't done anything wrong because they just don't behave that way, but then sometimes will admit he's dissapointned because DC was fighting at school or something (often never the DC's daily though).

I got on well with his DC initially but I've pulled sway significantly (I'm still very kind to his DC as I am with all children) because I just can't bear to hear any more about how perfect they are and how they incapable of misbehaviour when at my house.

I've thought a lot about why he's like this but whilst I can theorise, I'm not totally sure. He's a bit of a show off anyway so I think it's partly because he views his DC as an extension of himself rather than a person in their own right. I'm sure guilt plays a significant part as well.

I don't think I'd mind if it was done in a less obvious way. If like to share his pride too but it's over the top, very in my face and as I said before, over some really odd things that all DC do anyway. I just want him to tone it down but I can't have that conversation with him because he gets very defensive, particularly over his DC. I've actually dropped friends over this issue but it's a tad trickier when it's someone I'm so close to.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

paxillin excellent point about excelling pre puberty having precisely no bearing on adult achievements.

One of my BILs was something of a child prodigy - taught himself to read before school age, used to sit up at the table when his significantly older brothers did their homework and tell them the (correct) answers, especially in maths etc. He dropped out of school at 15, dropped out of several apprenticeships, got and lost a series of manual jobs, moved out a couple of times but was always back living in his parents basement when he jacked in the next job. Nice bloke though... He got an older girlfriend with 2 kids in his early 30s and she's sorted him out, he's holding down an OK job and has is own flat, so came good in the end... but not quite what his early red rosettes promise suggested the future might hold.

Both his less remarkable (as young children) siblings are what conventional society might judge as more "successful" adults.

Also my DC1 walked at only just 9 months (and was walking well and steadily within a couple of weeks) but 10 years on DC2 who walked at 12 months can already run faster than her :o

[RandomMess]

Long term it doesn't sound as though it's going to improve and it's actually a very unhealthy dynamic to live with for all the dc

Not sure I could stand it tbh.

[Winged]

mouldy, I don't agree. Already I've had replies saying that this isn't boasting by virtue of him being my BF rather than my friend. I wanted to understand his behaviour and my reaction to it in the context that he is my friend as much as anything else.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

I second Thumbwitch 's post of 13:09

"if your boyfriend is insensitive to the situation of your DC now, it's not going to improve, is it. If he's determined that his child is better than yours no matter what, then he's not going to be a good step-parent to your DC, is he. So if this is just a casual thing, then ok - but if you were planning a long term relationship, I'd find someone who ISN'T so determined that their child must be the best, and must be better than yours. It's not conducive to a happy home for your DC"

[SilverBirchWithout]

This is a difficult twist.

The problem is the only person I could really share and discuss how DS was doing was with DH., and obviously he was as proud as I was.

Not only that, you don't actually believe that BF is being honest. Why do you think he is gilding the lily? Is he over compensating because he feels guilty that his relationship with DC's DM has broken down and he is reassuring himself about DC? Or do you feel he is trying to sub-consciously put you down or compare you with his Ex? If you care about him why are you not pleased for him that his DC is doing well?

I guess what I'm saying is you need to work through what you are feeling and try to rationalise the jealousy.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Your extra information just increases my feeling that this isn't going to work out well.

If there are fights/disagreements between your (collective) DC, your BF is never going to acknowledge or accept that his child is at fault, it will always be your DC's fault. Always. This is not a good recipe for a blended family, so please, don't force this upon your DC.

[coffeeisnectar]

You could be me Op.

I have a partner who has two dc, the oldest is an adult but the youngest is 12. She lives with her mum. She's perfect. apparently.

My dc live with me and DP. Oldest is nearly 18 and youngest is 10. Both have suffered emotionally from the DV I experienced which impacted on them from my relationship with the 10 year olds father. There has been a lot of grief from him and I've had to take out restraining orders etc to keep us safe. My youngest almost certainly has ASD but still trying to get an assessment done. She has major meltdowns, can't cope with a lot and is really shouty and teary at times.

So the comparisons start. His perfect 12 year old and my shouty 10 year old. And you know what? My 10 year old is a nicer person than his 12 year old. His DD has lied, manipulated and is now getting into fights at school and swearing. The scales are finally falling from his eyes. It's taken 4 years but he's starting to realise that NO child is perfect and even his bloody princess can fuck up.

All I can suggest is nod and say 'that's great' whenever he says something about his dc. And then change the subject. Keep your DC apart if the fighting starts, take yours out alone and let him and his dc spend time together.

[SilverBirchWithout]

Sorry x-post. It does sound like he is a bit of an arse about his DC and yours, to me this would be a wake-up call about the relationship. Your DC (& you) deserve better.