to feel threatened by this competitive parenting?

[Winged]

This concerns a friend I've known a couple of years. They have one DC, I have two, one the same age as friend's, one younger. They don't go to the same school.

I really like my friend, we have a lot in common and have a very similar sense of humour. They've also been there for me a lot over the time I've known them. There is just one thing that really bothers me - they think the sun shines out their DC's backside and love to tell me about their achievements quite often. Sometimes it's probably warranted, other times it's over the most mundane crap that all DC do.

My DC are academically bright and have their own talents but I'm not the type to show off or tell people other than my immediate family really. However, after I separated from their abusive father, my DC (the eldest in particular) are experiencing some severe emotional problems and I'm struggling to find the right help. They have hobbies and interests but as my ex is next to useless, this all falls to me and it's tiring. Life is stressful for me for a multitude of reasons and I feel this adversely impacts the opportunities my DC have. My friend is well aware of our circumstances and been witness to some of our problems.

Obviously it's parents evenings at many schools right now and my friend told me that their DC is overachieving in every area. Last parents evening, friend told me that their DC's teacher had said their DC along with one other in the class was the brightest and doing the best. Their DC also does a sport and has apparently been told that they could be a pro one day they're so good at it. My friends circumstances are very different. They share care much more with their XP and as they both earn more, are able to offer more to their DC.

I guess if I'm brutally honest, I feel jealous. I'm so worried about my DC and how they are coping right now. I worry about their future opportunities and my friend telling me this just exacerbates this. Their DC is a lovely kid but normal in that they misbehave sometimes although my friend seems oblivious to much if this and in all honesty, their normal child misbehaviour pales against my DC's lashing out due to the problems we've got with ex etc.

It's making me want to sever the friendship but I feel like I'm being unreasonable and I shouldn't begrudge my friend wanting to share their pride for their DC. What does it say about me that I can't stand it?

So, Aibu about this? There is a twist to this story but I'm not sure how relevant to the problem it is and I don't want it to cloud the answers. I will reveal all later though.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

I call bollocks. No teacher would say that. It's like these parents who say their child is "top of the class" in everything. "Top of the class" went out with the ark.

It's just this mother's spin on what was said. Ignore.

[paxillin]

It's a boast and completely made up. Maybe she's just as jealous of you as you are of her. Maybe she'd like another child just like you have so has to make sure the one she has is of better "quality" than yours.

[longdiling]

I have to say I'm having a quiet chuckle to myself at the posters berating the op's mate while simultaneously managing to drop in that their kids actually ARE the top of their class

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

"Being in the top ability group" translates in some parents' heads as being "top of the class".

:o

[StarOnTheTree]

What sort of teacher says 'your child is overachieving in every area and the brightest in the class?'

This does happen! I'm surprised that so many of you think it doesn't

I never brag about my DC's achievements either in RL or on FB. If When the other competitive parents ask I just say that my DC are doing well. They're the ones that brag in RL and on FB that their DC's teachers said that they're the brightest, etc. It's not true! Neither are the posts that just say they had the best day ever with their little angels. Because I was with them earlier whilst the kids misbehaved and got shouted at and were going home to bed at 6pm because mum had had enough

[0phelia]

She's also being very insensitive, knowing how tough things are for your DC. I'd breathe free of her for a bit.

C'mon then! I bet the twist is, you've heared her child is not that great afterall.

[moreshitandnofuckingredemption]

Are "they" your DP?

[SilverBirchWithout]

This is seriously not a stealth boast. DS is/was very clever and usually around 'top of class' in majority of subjects except PE, and yes the form teachers would often indicate this to us.

In order to not alienate others or appear boastful, we learned not to discuss his achievements except with very close friends (without children of a similar age) and only certain family members. I would down play his abilities and sometimes have over compensated by exaggerating his weaknesses.

It's sad that I cannot always share how proud of him we are when others can talk about their children's small achievements, but that's human nature. With my very close friends I can be honest, but am always tactful if they are going through a difficult time.

[MarthasHarbour]

Me too longdiling the stealth boasting is just marvellous

OP - I also think you should either take a step back or if you do value the friendship just say to her that you are pleased her DC is doing well but she probably doesnt realise that her overtly vocal pride about her own DC is really feeding into your anxiety about your own DCs, and how as a PP said it is an achievement if you can get their shoes on and out the door. She knows you are struggling and if she is a good friend then she will understand.

YANBU

[MarthasHarbour]

X post silverbirch no offence meant

[Bellatrixurstrange]

So what's the twist? If it wasn't relevant you wouldn't have mentioned it at all! The twist, if there is one, may help people on here give more accurate advice. Although some of the replies are already superb.

People will boast. If they are truly your mate and you tell them that things are hard and they will stfu. Or maybe they won't. If they dont - avoid avoid. But at least spell it out to them. Honest conversations about sensitive issues are tough, but less tough than suffering in silence. If I was a gloater I would want to be told. If they are a mate they will take it on the chin and reign themselves in. I'm a poet and I've always known it.

[SohowdoIdothis]

Stop comparing children, it's damaging for them, and everyone involved.

[coconutpie]

What is the twist? If not relevant, you wouldn't have mentioned it so it obviously is relevant.

[AnotherEffingOrangeRevel]

TWIST

TWIST

TWIST

TWIST

(please)

[AppleSetsSail]

What sort of teacher says 'your child is overachieving in every area and the brightest in the class?'

This does happen! I'm surprised that so many of you think it doesn't

Not at my kids' school. I have been left with the impression that schools are reluctant to foment high expectations among the tigers.

[AppleSetsSail]

TWIST

Please.

[wooflesgoestotown]

Sorry to derail op but this thread is seriously depressing. So much bragging about how posters dcs are among the best or top of the class.

What does that mean?????

How do you judge which child is best at reading, drawing, singing, kicking a football, balancing, being kind, co-ordinating their body, working with numbers, problem solving

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?!!!

GET A GRIP teach our children to value themselves and each other intrinsically, value everyone's skills not just teach them to applaud themselves because they might be particularly skilled at one type of task.

This is part of the reason so many young people have mental health problems - you are only valuable or impressive if you are "the best" at a very narrow range of skills

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I don't understand how you feel "threatened" by this OP?

[DancingDinosaur]

My dc's teachers never do that. They just tell me how my dc are doing. Sounds very unprofessional of the teacher if its true, which I doubt.

[DancingDinosaur]

I don't understand how you feel "threatened" by this OP?

I should think its more about a friend boasting and setting out to make op feel bad tbh.

[Winged]

Hi all, op here. Apologies for the delay, I had to run an errand and it took way longer than I realised. Thank you ever so much for the replies, there's many more than I expected. Particular thanks to vocational, your post made me cry. There's so many really supportive posts here, thank you all, I was slightly worried I'd get a flaming.

I've obviously paraphrased some of the stuff said. At the last parents evening, I did say that I was surprised the teacher said that their DC plus another named child were 'brightest in the class' but friend didn't say much. This parents evening, my friend said, 'you know there are three levels' and tried to name them but couldn't exactly remember, and then said, 'DC is at the exceeding level in everything'.

Thing is, I have tried several methods to convey how insensitive I find it all from ignoring it and looking disinterested, to pointing out inconsistencies. I haven't yet tried being direct but friend doesn't take criticism, however slight, well at all. So I'm too nervous to be direct. I did actually once say I feel you're being a show off, but friend didn't agree and explained it in other terms.

I have wondered about the truth in some of the stuff being said. Their DC goes to a large inner city failing school, whereas mine go to a tiny but very middle class rural school so I don't know if this accounts for some of the differences. Friend also takes failure very hard so there could be something in that. I admit I'm sometimes quietly gleeful when the DC doesn't do as well at something when friend was going on about it before hand. I don't let that be known however.

Apologies if people though the twist was a carrot. It wasn't meant to be, I just knew that the following info might sway the answers and I didn't want that initially. But I also wanted to avoid being accused of drip feeding.

The twist is that my friend is actually my boyfriend.

[paxillin]

Being the best in class at aged 8 means nothing at all. When did you last say "my friend (aged 43) is a really good reader and is better at her number bonds than all of her colleagues"? Being an early developer (and therefore best in class at infant school) does not mean a child will develop any further than others.

Usain Bolt probably didn't walk at 8 months. Or maybe Mary Beard wasn't the best reader in reception. Maybe Steven Hawking wasn't a great maths talent aged 10. Where are "best in class" from their infant years? Normal doctors, secretaries, teachers or even layabouts like most of us no doubt.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

What sort of teacher says 'your child is overachieving in every area and the brightest in the class?'

This does happen! I'm surprised that so many of you think it doesn't

Where are the teachers? Come and comment on this!

(Subtext: I'm surprised that so many of you (with your inferior children) think it doesn't - you poor things you wouldn't know would you, as if you haven't been told your kid is best that means he or she is mediocre, unlike my Best In Class red rossette winner...)

I used to be a teacher - it would have been regarded as a very big slip up to say to a parent that their child was "the brightest in the class" - no good could come of it and it would almost certainly come back to bite the teacher or the school at some point. You might at a pinch mention they got the highest mark in the class in some particular project or assignment ... but you probably wouldn't even do that, there just is no need or reason to tell their parents how they compare to classmates, rather than how thy compare to national expectations or which grade they are on track for if they continue working as they are currently.

[Winged]

Dione, I couldn't think of an appropriate word for how I feel. I feel many different ways about this dynamic, but yes, mainly it highlights where I feel like I'm failing my DC in comparison but this is mostly due to circumstances that aren't present for my BF's DC.

[AppleSetsSail]

The twist is that my friend is actually my boyfriend.

Oh, that is a GREAT twist!

How long have you been together? What's your relationship with his kids like, and vice versa?