Health Anxiety Ruining My Life

[PeppaAteMySoul]

Hello,
Someone please tell me IABU to be thinking like this. Yesterday I found a mouth ulcer on my top gum it's tiny- only a few mm across but because it doesn't hurt and it seems a tiny bit sunken into the gum I have convinced myself it is cancer. I do this everytime I find something abnormal and it ruins my life. Instead of enjoying my toddler today I am rubbing iglu into my gum while staring at the mirror every 5 seconds to see if it has gone yet.

U2 again your words are calming and just well.. lovely. I think I am worried because dp is starting to worry. Which makes me feel like it's not irrational.
I think after I was raped by someone I had previously loved and trusted it made me see the world as unsafe. Bad unimaginable things happen to people all the time. The thought of my beautiful darling son suffering or having to live without his mum is heartbreaking. He is so precious and I wanted make the world safe for him. I suppose every parent wants that for their child but you can't do it and I don't know how to cope with that.

Oh you poor thing - no wonder you feel anxious about bad things happening if something so awful has happened to you in the past. For me it was similar - I knew so many people who had died that it seemed normal to expect people I loved to die. But our individual experience isn't the norm. The vast vast majority of people you trust are worthy of that trust. Most people live happy long lives with no disasters happening to them.

As to whether cancer means instant death - no it doesn't. I know a number of people who have had cancer and are now fine, free of it, all cured and living happy lives. Hugs

I felt the same when my children lost their dad. I couldn't stand the thought of them having to go through watching me die as well. Like you, I felt the world was as unsafe place, I knew how quickly life could change and I know what it is like for children to grieve for their parent.

So my HA was a way of controlling that. Of course it doesn't work, I can look for signs but ultimately any one of us can get cancer and many of us will at some point in our lives but equally any one of us could get hit by a car, or be in a place where a terrorist attack takes place... or.... the list goes on. We can't live that way or you would live life in fear, like you are doing right now.

You have been through one of the worst things a human can go through, you also have pregnancy hormones on top of that. It's not surprising you are struggling right now.

Your husband might be concerned but if you weren't so anxious he might not be. My husband would never have been concerned about my mole I had until I spent so much time pointing out to him how it could be cancer, how it had all the signs. It is always best to get anything like this checked out, if it hasn't started to heal by the end of the week then yes, you certainly need to see your dentist but that doesn't mean it is cancer. It just means it needs checking out by a professional.

If you can't wait until the end of the week then see your dentist earlier if that is what you feel you need and if you can get in.

I feel so badly for you, I know how you are feeling and I wouldn't wish that mental pain on my worst enemy. It's soul destroying and when you have dealt with this ulcer you need to get on top of the anxiety so you don't feel as bad as this again. You can control it, you can get better and you will get better, with a lot of work, possibly medication and a lot of support. And I will virtually be with you as will many others here

Goodness U2 I am so sorry to hear about your and your children's loss . You are living through my worst fears I'm in awe of your kindness and strength in texpondin

• responding to me.

Another HA sufferer here although mine is under control right now. I found this resource Re HA looks helpful:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=53

You have my sympathy, its bloody awful. xx

It was my ex husband but we were very close. It knocked me really hard and I still miss him every day. It was awful but our children are doing well now, they have come through the other side. They miss him obviously but they are thriving. We were all like a really close family even though we were divorced so his loss still hit me hard.

I am anxious this morning. I am due on any day so I know this is the time where I have to fight harder. I had a horrid night sweat last night, I get them a couple of times a month now. I wake up smelly and wet but not so much that I have to change bed sheets.

I also googled. Not the night sweats but the big white mark I found on my nail, you know those milk spots? I gave up googling a long time ago but in a moment of weakness I thought I would google it and turns out it can be a sign of liver and kidney disease so in my moment of weakness all I have managed to do is scare myself over something I thought was harmless and I'm quite concerned I have late stage liver disease. Reality is no one goes to a GP over one milk spot on their nail do they? This is why Dr Google is evil for us, people use their common sense and might go if they become covered in milk spots, but not just for one.

It just means I need to take back more control but like I said, it's a life long struggle for me I guess.

How are you feeling today? Did you manage to sleep ok?

I am pleased to hear your children are doing well. They are such resilient little things.
It must be so hard for you. I am sure you are fine- I think most people have a spot or two on their nails. I know I do. Not googling is so hard but looking online is often unhelpful. (Need to take my own advice on that one)

I am sleeping fine. It's when I wake up that the worry starts. Stupid ulcer has got a bit bigger and still not healing. I have completely convinced myself it's terminal and has spread into my bones.

Well, it would be a very fast moving and aggressive cancer to spread to your bones in two weeks, that usually takes some time ;)

My ulcers get bigger before they heal. Make an appointment tomorrow and hopefully the dentist will put your mind at rest

Seconding the fact that cancer doesn't move that quick. Ulcers on the other hand do often get bigger before they go. Mine certainly do.

I actually measured the bloody ulcer today. It's less than 1 cm. Including the red ring around it. But I keep thinking just because I noticed it two weeks ago doesn't mean it's only been there two weeks. It could have been there months.

peppa, you need acyclovir, the dr will give it to you, it'll get rid of your mouth ulcer in jig time, I take it every day for cold sores and mouth ulcers

I totally understand you saying what happened to you made the world seem an unsafe place, I totally get that and it explains to me why I've had health anxiety since my mum died. I've always been a worrier and worried about health things but now I see everything as fatal, as if its normal that something disastrous will happen, as if its what I expect now. I dont see health problems as fixable and part of living, I see it all as a total catastrophe which will mean months of worry, awful tests and dying as a matter of course. Not something treatable and manageable, I cut to the chase and have myself walking round asda planning my funeral and what to do to help my kids when I'm not here.

Its totally awful. You have my sympathy.

U2, can I ask what medication helped you?

I've just made a drs appointment. I feel they are sick of me. She sent me for CBT last time when I cried that I thought I had cancer. She was so nice I'm actually looking forward to seeing her. I want to ask her for something to help me but I dont know what.

I started off on prozac which turned my life around. I didn't know how depressed I was until they started working. I took them many years ago for OCD.

I now take Citalopram, I moved onto them when prozac stopped working so well.

There are many meds and they all work the same way really, it's just a case of finding the right one for you. I also took a beta blocker which helped with the physical symptoms of panic attacks. I don't take them any more but they were great when I needed them.

Peppa, I knew you were going to say that, that it might have been there for months and you just didn't notice, it's what us with HA say all the time :) If it had been there for that long I'm sure you would have noticed it, us people with anxiety we notice things. Stop measuring your ulcer, I know why you are doing it but that is the kind of thing that gets us into trouble, you will end up measuring it every day and getting in a worse state. People like us can't measure things. It's why I get my husband to take photos of my mole I need to keep an eye on because if I do it myself it will make me crazy. Make your appointment today

ssd, good luck with your appointment. Please come back and let us know how you got on

thanks U2 x

Have made a dentist app- closest they can fit me in is Friday morning- ulcer still there. Over two weeks. Oh God it's definitely bad now isn't it? I need to be stronger for my son. Whatever happens I also have a doctor appointment booked for Friday so will tell them I need urgent help for anxiety and leaflets just aren't cutting it.

With all this going on I haven't even started to bond with my unborn baby. I don't want to get too attached in case it is cancer

No, it's still not definitely bad.

They actually say go see someone if it hasn't healed after three weeks. It's not bad until someone actually tells you it is cancer, until then it is still an ulcer, an infection or a number of different things.

Hopefully on Friday they will give you something which might speed up healing, if there is something like that which exists. Even if they refer you remember it doesn't mean cancer. They have to if there is even a tiny chance it could be suspicious, that's a good thing, but it still doesn't mean cancer.

What time are your appointments on Friday? Im working but will try to check in to see if you have posted an update.

I just saw your photos you posted on another thread.

That really doesn't even look like an ulcer. I have a lot of them in my mouth, it also looks like my salivary gland or just an area of different colour which I have in lots of areas in my mouth.

I am not a dentist but now I've seen the photos I'm even more convinced that you are going to be ok. They might refer you for peace of mind but that really looks like what I have in my mouth and I don't have cancer.

Peppa love, have rejoined MN after ages, to see if I can bring you any help and comfort. Last year I had a mouth ulcer that I'd left for three whole months. I have bipolar, had relapsed after twelve years in remission so didn't care about myself at all. Finally told my GP and things moved bewilderingly fast - was seen by a top consultant that same week. He could tell just by looking at the ulcer that it wasn't cancer, it was an abrasion caused by a crooked and sharp-edged molar, doing the damage at night as I grind my teeth in the night. He advised me to go to my dentist and said to come back and see him if it didn't heal.

It did heal and wasn't cancer, even though I'd left it so long. Even though I'm of an age (62) where I'm more likely to get it. And even though I've smoked heavily for ten years (after not having smoked for over twenty years before that). And I was terrified like you before my consultation, stuck in a what-if spiral because although I didn't want to live, there are ways and ways of dying IYSWIM.

I think it's very highly unlikely that you've got cancer, in fact if I'm wrong I'll eat every one of my extensive collection of hats! Take courage, Peppa, everything will be all right.

And as for that callous and smug PP - her with bipolar in remission and the complete lack of empathy - remember this. When you have bipolar you can do everything right, I.e. be meds concordant and self-manage meticulously but it can still nip round behind you and bite you on the arse. Happened to me, duckie. Could happen to you. If it does I hope it will teach you a bit of humility and compassion.

Appointment is at 8:40 Friday morning. Do you really think so U2? Dp has been saying similar but I thought he was just saying that to calm me down/ shut me up.

Thank you Jpink for sharing your story with me. It helps me stay calm and know even if it is an ulcer and I am sent to hospital with it that might not mean the end of the line.

I love my son so much. My biggest fear is being nothing more than a ghost to him. He is so little if I died he wouldn't remember. But my overwhelming terror about that is already turning me into a ghost. Everytime I play with him I'm only half there. Half of me is stuck in the spiral of what ifs. Whatever this is I need to pull myself together.

Just a quick post as I should really be in bed. I looked at the photo on this thread and agree with U2 that it doesn't look suspicious. Not long to go now until your appointment, try and muddle through as best you can til then. And just remember that both U2 and I got sent to hospital as a safety measure - and neither of us had cancer. I'll check in on Friday to see how it went. Night night and God bless love. You'll be fine.

Thank you JPink.No not much longer and I am doing lots of crafty stuff with my son to keep me distracted.
I am worried what all this worrying has done to my baby. I am 10 weeks pregnant and not having any symptoms. With my son I had loads

Feeling very scared am tempted not to even go in case they tell me the worst. It's easier it to be deluded.