Ex's new 'girlfriend' wanting to meet DC..

[penguinplease]

Totally prepared to take a flaming here but interested on opinions.

Ex DP and I get on well, we mostly co parent and liase with each other about the children quite nicely.
He has had many (and I mean many) women in his life since we split up and thats fine, its not any of my business.

However the most recent one who lives some hundred or so miles away is wanting to come and visit Easter weekend and meet the DC. I have told him no and I wonder if I'm being unreasonable.

Firstly he has only known her a few months himself and due to the distance only seen her a handful (3 maybe 4) times and I think this is too soon for any woman to want to be involved in the lives of the children.

Secondly she may not know this but I imagine she is temporary, they all have been as they all want to move things on way too fast for him and he gets fed up, this is again none of my business but feels relevant as its now potentially affects my children.

She thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want her to meet them yet, I don't think I am, I think the distance between them is not sustainable for a long term future and I can't see the point in subjecting our DC to getting to know her unnecessarily. I also personally don't understand why a woman with children herself would be in such a hurry to get involved to that degree yet.

Our DC have no idea that he has a gf or indeed has had any, he has never told them and it will be a complete bolt out of the blue for them so for her to just turn up and share the house with them all Easter weekend I feel is just totally mad.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think he is that bothered and I know hes still dating other women but this is the first time he has gone as far as suggesting it to me so maybe he does like her a bit more than the others but if thats the case what is the harm in waiting.
I am and have been really supportive to him and if he is happy then thats good for us all but I think a bit of me feels a bit let down by this other woman for not understanding my point of view..

So, flame me if I deserve it!

Do you discuss it with your ex if you want the children to meet somebody? If its his time with them it isn't any of your business.

Why are people saying that the OP has no say? Her ex asked her about it, so it became her business the second he did that

Because for all he might have asked, if he chooses to her ignore her opinion there isn't anything she can do about it. She doesn't have a say unless he decides to listen to her.

OP, tell him what you think, by all means. Just tread carefully and focus on what is best for the children (which almost always is parents being civil to each other, above all else).

Ask him if it would be ok for you to introduce them to your new bf under the same footing and what is sauce for the goose, etc.

Its nice that you both get on. And equally nice that although he could go ahead, he values your opinion.

I also personally don't understand why a woman with children herself would be in such a hurry to get involved to that degree yet.

Cant you? She sounds a bit desperate if she is pushing to meet the children already and is trying to 'lock herself in' to the situ so it will be more difficult for your ex to dump her.

Sounds like you've got it all in hand and ex has got his head screwed on when it comes to parenting.

Hopefully he won't get guilted into letting her visit. Sounds like she's too needy and desperate / pushy to make it to long term GF status!

If I were him I would be very, very careful about contraception. She's trying to prematurely establish a "family oriented" position in his life at top speed.... desperado.

I actually met my future step children about a month or so after DH and I got together - however, we had known each other several months before getting involved he was my PhD supervisor and in that month we had seen each other every day and by the time I met the kids we were sure of our feelings for each other and I knew I would be in their lives for a long time (and luckily j was right!).

However, this sounds, at best like a casual relationship - at least on his behalf and they don't know each other at all and whilst it appears that she's thinking long term, it really doesn't look like he is in fact I agree with OP that this man really doesn't sound adorable. So yes, it's not appropriate for her to meet the children.

OP, regardless of what other people are saying, whether your children are with their father or whoever, you do, absolutely, have a say in who they should spend time with.

It's not the ones that want to meet you need to worry about it's the ones that refuse to see them that cause the problems

I can can why see why he's your ex. How pathetic and wimpy for him to be looking for you to say no to her not meeting the kids.

You and the girlfriend, soon to be ex are well rid.

Before I became more than friends with my now DP, he dated very casually a woman who was all over his kids. Play fighting on the floor (of the pub), hugging and kissing them, buying them sweets. It really put him off her.

is he still dating other women as well as her?

Dixie, it may be ridiculous but it's not the OP's decision to make.

Yes, it would be lovely Dixie, but they don't have to so in this case it's up to Daddy to decide.

Ahh, sounds familiar. My exH introduced our DC to his girlfriend about a month after leaving. He basically left here, moved in with her and her two DC (who he'd only just met and in fact their dad had only left a week prior ) and insisted our DC stay over at theirs within a month. I screamed and shouted till I was blue in the face that it was all way way too soon and couldn't understand why he was so desperately rushing through everything but at the end of it I had absolutely no choice in the matter. At least your ex has taken your opinion into great consideration, thank yourself lucky!

Six months of a solid, stable relationship is a good rule for introduction to children IMO. I know a few people that introduce their kids to people they're merely casually dating. Only as their 'friend' but when theirs a lot of friends that pop in and never return it's still got to be conflicting for children.

Thanks, all comments taken on board, I'm having lunch with him tomorrow unrelated to this so I will just reiterate that it's his choice and although my opinion is it's too soon it is merely my feelings and not a set rule for him to follow.
Just for clarity though we did agree we would try to agree on these issues and discuss them. If it were him desperate for her to come I would suggest he mentions her when he sees the children this weekend to start the process but he said it was her that wanted to come and what did I think . I have never been anything other than nice about his gfs and I sincerely wish him happiness as we were not happy together.
And as for the adorable thing.. Yes she has every right to feel that way and just because I don't it is irrelevant so I happily stand corrected on that!

Penguin Wish my DH's ex was like you..mature attitude all round. New girlfriend is giving icky vibes...

your last paragraph is legally absolutely incorrect. Unless the Op has concerns around her ex's ability to parent adequately

Granted it was a few years ago but I have a court order that states words to the effect of father just not introduce girl friends or partners to x without either consent from the mother or further order of the court.

Dad had revolving door girlfriends and the situation was incredibly damaging and emotionally abusive to our shared child,it was considered to be a problem with his parenting by the court.