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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex's new 'girlfriend' wanting to meet DC..

80 replies

penguinplease · 16/03/2016 17:16

Totally prepared to take a flaming here but interested on opinions.

Ex DP and I get on well, we mostly co parent and liase with each other about the children quite nicely.
He has had many (and I mean many) women in his life since we split up and thats fine, its not any of my business.

However the most recent one who lives some hundred or so miles away is wanting to come and visit Easter weekend and meet the DC. I have told him no and I wonder if I'm being unreasonable.

Firstly he has only known her a few months himself and due to the distance only seen her a handful (3 maybe 4) times and I think this is too soon for any woman to want to be involved in the lives of the children.

Secondly she may not know this but I imagine she is temporary, they all have been as they all want to move things on way too fast for him and he gets fed up, this is again none of my business but feels relevant as its now potentially affects my children.

She thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want her to meet them yet, I don't think I am, I think the distance between them is not sustainable for a long term future and I can't see the point in subjecting our DC to getting to know her unnecessarily. I also personally don't understand why a woman with children herself would be in such a hurry to get involved to that degree yet.

Our DC have no idea that he has a gf or indeed has had any, he has never told them and it will be a complete bolt out of the blue for them so for her to just turn up and share the house with them all Easter weekend I feel is just totally mad.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think he is that bothered and I know hes still dating other women but this is the first time he has gone as far as suggesting it to me so maybe he does like her a bit more than the others but if thats the case what is the harm in waiting.
I am and have been really supportive to him and if he is happy then thats good for us all but I think a bit of me feels a bit let down by this other woman for not understanding my point of view..

So, flame me if I deserve it!

OP posts:

zippey · 16/03/2016 18:02

I don't understand this big deal about introducing partners. Children meet people all the time, and as long as everyone behaves appropriately then I don't see the issue.

They would see that dad has healthy relationships with lots of women/men.

DarthPrincess · 16/03/2016 18:03

As a mother and step mum I dont think your being unreasonable HOWEVER i disagree with your comment about him not being adorable so she cant adore him.
I adore my partner and have from v early on - his ex wouldn't describe him as adorable. I am divorced so clearly my exh didn't adore me but i know my partner adores mem. One mans trash is anothers treasure ( totally off topic really but I needed to say it)

EmGee · 16/03/2016 18:07

You don't actually know there is no future in their relationship. How could you? He may well be dating lots of women but he might decide to eventually settle with this one. He might not. But I think YABU to make the assumption with such certainty.

YANBU however to say that you don't want her to come down to stay for the weekend. And she should respect that rather than try and force her way in. After all, they are not her kids and she doesn't know them.

However, you have made your opinion clear and it's up to him now to decide what is going to happen on this weekend. If he does go ahead with the gf's plan, then you are perfectly entitled to do what you want re any future partners you have regardless of what he thinks.

Owllady · 16/03/2016 18:08

If they've only seen each other 3 times, then yes it's too soon
It's got bog all to do with how either of you feel really, it's about the children's wellbeing

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/03/2016 18:10

It's just awful to say she is letting uou down as a woman ! What the f? The person who has a responsibility to your children's welfare is your husband

And he asked mums opinion and appears to agree,it is her whose gone a bit weird about it

Original poster

penguinplease · 16/03/2016 18:12

It's not the introduction I object to although it would be too soon for me but ok that's my personal opinion.
It's her staying Thursday til Sunday with them and being there all weekend when up til that point they don't even know she exists!
But it's fine, I've stepped back and told him to use his judgement

OP posts:

VenusInFauxFurs · 16/03/2016 18:14

Do you think your ex was banking on you saying no? If he's only really interested in casual relationships he might be feeling that the new woman is coming on a bit strong and wanted to take the easy cowardly way out by saying "Sorry DC's mum says no."

Of course, if that's the case,she probably won't be around for long so you are doubly doubly NBU.

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/03/2016 18:16

I think after four dates, it's WAY too soon for her to be staying with him while he has his DC. It's not fair on them to have their time with their dad intruded upon when they don't know who this woman is at all.

However, it's really not your decision to make. Your ex can have whoever he likes at his house while the DC are there, just like you can have your friends around them without his say-so. If he wants to invite her, that's his choice. I would, however, be wary of telling the DC they can come home if they're not happy, simply because that might give them the idea that this new woman is bad news before they've even met her. She could be lovely and it's not really your place to tell them what you think about his dates/girlfriends.

Hopefully he'll pay for her to stay in a hotel for the weekend and just have her over for Sunday lunch or something, or to go to the park once or twice, though. That seems reasonable and they don't need to know she's his girlfriend that way either.

VenusInFauxFurs · 16/03/2016 18:17

How old are her kids btw? I'm guessing she doesn't have them for Easter weekend? Maybe she's just desperate to have a family Easter? Still weird though.

ToadsforJustice · 16/03/2016 18:18

YANBU. She sounds a bit grabby and desperate to me. Why the rush to meet the children? I suspect your Ex is perhaps cooling off in this relationship and so she may think if she pushes to see the children, she might gain a more permanent hold on him.

Just my thoughts.

Shesinfashion · 16/03/2016 18:19

The children will only see her as a fun, playful, happy adult who knows Daddy. She'll be on her best behaviour no doubt, to impress him. Can't see the problem really. It's not like the kids are going to be bothered if she fades out of their lives.

Shesinfashion · 16/03/2016 18:21

Also, as their father he can introduce them to anyone he likes as long as they're safe to be around children which I expect she is.
It isn't any of your business. If I was him I wouldn't have even asked you.

leelu66 · 16/03/2016 18:22

YANBU. Maybe she wants to ingratiate herself with him by showing how good she can be to his DC?

I agree it's odd after only four weekends.

When you say staying the night, so you mean she will stay at your ex's or at yours?

Bogeyface · 16/03/2016 18:23

Well if he doesnt like women who want to move things on too fast, I think the OP is right in saying that this one wont last. 4 meetings in and she is demanding to meet the kids, how long before she decides that she and her kids should move the 100 odd miles to live with him?

I have always thought that 6 months was the generally agreed time limit too!

phequer · 16/03/2016 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClopySow · 16/03/2016 18:24

I actually don't think you're wrong in feeling the way you do about what you would expect from another mother, just replace the word "woman" with "parent".

I'm a bit horrified at the thought of my kids meeting my or my exes new partner after such a short time. She should know better as a parent. So should he though.
However, not all people have the same standards.

Maybe she thinks it's going to push their relationship to the next level.

cestlavielife · 16/03/2016 18:24

At some point he was adorable enough to you to have dc with....so you can't use your feelings.
Give dc tools eg knowing your phone number so they can call if unhappy and you can support them.
But he and you can introduce them to whoever whenever it's your call for you and his call for him

LeaLeander · 16/03/2016 18:24

I see no upside to her meeting them for even a brief time and lots of downside.

Kids aren't stupid. Why introduce a sense of insecurity to them for no good reason, especially as you says his historic dating behavior doesn't bode well for this "relationship." (how anyone can call herself a girlfriend after a handful of meetings is beyond me; sounds totally desperate and crazy.)

Just continue to decline. You owe no one an explanation.

GunShotResidue · 16/03/2016 18:25

For what is worth I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. Me and DH discussed this a while ago (after a similar situation happened to a friend) and agreed if we broke up we wouldn't introduce a partner to the kids until we'd been exclusive for 6 months. This was very hypothetical though!

Ultimately, as others say, it's up to your ex.

Original poster

penguinplease · 16/03/2016 18:28

Thanks for the thoughts.
I've texted him that it's none of my business and I'm happy for him to decide. He has responded with he doesn't really want her to come anyway and feels she's pushing into his life a bit fast.
So yes to the poster who suggested he didn't want her to come but didn't have the balls to be honest and so blamed it on me.
Who knows what he will decide between now and Easter, I will just remove myself from the equation and respect his decision.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 16/03/2016 18:29

Why are people saying that the OP has no say? Her ex asked her about it, so it became her business the second he did that!

She would not have the right to poke her nose in if he had never said anything to her, but he did and she has given him her opinion.

Bogeyface · 16/03/2016 18:30

Ha! I thought he might say that she was moving too fast, and to be fair to him, she really is!

I wouldnt be surprised if she is no longer a GF by Easter.

neonrainbow · 16/03/2016 18:32

Telling me to fuck off wasnt very nice now was it?

Just because i didn't tell you dont worry, yanbu, it's ok to try and control your ex's new girlfriend?

Who are you to make judgements on their relationship? You clearly liked him enough at some point to have kids with him.

Would you rather she wasn't interested in the kids at all?

Original poster

penguinplease · 16/03/2016 18:33

I told you to fuck off because you told me it was none of my business.
HE asked me, I didn't ask him.
He consulted me for my opinion.
That is all.

OP posts:

Original poster

penguinplease · 16/03/2016 18:34

And no I'm happy if he finds someone whose interested in our children but a four day weekend with them from no prior mention to me feels a bit much and as a parent I would've thought she would understand that.

OP posts:

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