to be cross at DP threatening consequences I won't enforce on night waking DD?

[JustCleo]

DD is 3 and in the process of being diagnosed with ASD. She has slept through the night a handful of times in her life and has an elaborate routine that takes at least 45 mins before she can drop off in the first place. She won't accept anyone but me doing it with her. When she wakes during the night (usually once or twice but sometimes up to five times) she's very upset and flapping but I simply lay her back down and rest my hand on her in silence and she'll calm and go back to sleep. I've explained to DP how I get her back to sleep a hundred times but he persists on doing it 'his way.'

Despite me explaining that the worst thing in the world to do is keep talking to and touching her when she's upset, he keeps repeating her name, telling her to be quiet and trying to cuddle her or get in bed with her. She then goes from light crying when he enters the room to absolute hysteria within a minute. She'd actually be less upset if alone. She screams like she's under attack and he keeps telling her to stop, saying she won't get to do whatever I have planned with her the next day, that she'll lose her pocket money, that she'll have to go and sleep downstairs, that she'll have her favourite toys removed the next day and so on.

Last night she woke as I was feeding baby DS at midnight. DP went to her and she was Hysterical within a minute. He mentioned all the above consequences and got her so upset that she ran into a corner of her room away from him and just kept screaming at him to go away. She is ill at the moment with a cold, ear infection and chicken pox so she has plenty of reason to wake other than ASD.

I somehow managed to settle DS despite DDs screaming and then went to DD but it took an hour to calm her down. She woke again and 2 and again he started threatening to put her downstairs etc and her upset increased hugely. None of us got any decent sleep all night but he can sneak a nap today in his office (self employed.) I, on the other hand, have two poorly children to care for on no sleep and he will expect me to back him up with removing her favourite toys.

Am I being unreasonable to think it's mean to threaten consequences in these circumstances, to not enforce them and to be really pissed off that he acts bewildered about why she gets so upset then Ignores me explaining how I avoid it?

I am going with he is a twat option too.

even without asd threatening a child to put them downstairs on their own at night is fucking cruel. which is what make him a twat.

(sorry op, it has triggered rage in me) ex was a complete twat too with children in the night. (dumped dd back in her own bed when she was poorly and crying.would not allow her to be comforted in our bed. I went and slept with her. )

at least on contact visits now he comes and fetches me when he can not handle ds instead of trying his own way and making it worse. I keep repeating that ds needs to be fed when we arrive...(after being somewhere else) will he do it? will he heck. (ds has asd)

Sounds familiar Susan. If he isn't here I'll put her in my bed and it'll comfort her but I can't do it when he's here because be keeps trying to cuddle her and she hates physical contact.