to be cross at DP threatening consequences I won't enforce on night waking DD?

[JustCleo]

DD is 3 and in the process of being diagnosed with ASD. She has slept through the night a handful of times in her life and has an elaborate routine that takes at least 45 mins before she can drop off in the first place. She won't accept anyone but me doing it with her. When she wakes during the night (usually once or twice but sometimes up to five times) she's very upset and flapping but I simply lay her back down and rest my hand on her in silence and she'll calm and go back to sleep. I've explained to DP how I get her back to sleep a hundred times but he persists on doing it 'his way.'

Despite me explaining that the worst thing in the world to do is keep talking to and touching her when she's upset, he keeps repeating her name, telling her to be quiet and trying to cuddle her or get in bed with her. She then goes from light crying when he enters the room to absolute hysteria within a minute. She'd actually be less upset if alone. She screams like she's under attack and he keeps telling her to stop, saying she won't get to do whatever I have planned with her the next day, that she'll lose her pocket money, that she'll have to go and sleep downstairs, that she'll have her favourite toys removed the next day and so on.

Last night she woke as I was feeding baby DS at midnight. DP went to her and she was Hysterical within a minute. He mentioned all the above consequences and got her so upset that she ran into a corner of her room away from him and just kept screaming at him to go away. She is ill at the moment with a cold, ear infection and chicken pox so she has plenty of reason to wake other than ASD.

I somehow managed to settle DS despite DDs screaming and then went to DD but it took an hour to calm her down. She woke again and 2 and again he started threatening to put her downstairs etc and her upset increased hugely. None of us got any decent sleep all night but he can sneak a nap today in his office (self employed.) I, on the other hand, have two poorly children to care for on no sleep and he will expect me to back him up with removing her favourite toys.

Am I being unreasonable to think it's mean to threaten consequences in these circumstances, to not enforce them and to be really pissed off that he acts bewildered about why she gets so upset then Ignores me explaining how I avoid it?

YANBU. She's 3, non-immediate consequences won't work regardless of the ASC! He's being cruel, pig-headed and a bit of an idiot, IMO.

DS is autistic and has sleep issues. Getting him on melatonin was the best thing EVER. I would recommend that you talk to the paediatrician/clinical psychologist about trying her on it.

And good luck!

I don't know if AIBU is the best place for this

as you will get a lot of 2-3 sentence posts saying what a twat he is which wont be hugely helpful.

your poor family are struggling majorly, and you need to clearly (a) get help and (b) have a proper discussion about how to manage this, its so hard

I agree that you need to invest some time into ASD parenting classes, and some education to get you on the same page

My guess is its all very unknown and scary- he wants to fix it, he cant

Good luck, its in no way easy but there are things you can do as a family to strengthen yourselves

At no time has OP said she witholds food ....
She said her dd is losing weight. I imagine she expected to be told by her paediatrician what to do to help her dd put on weight and how to get her to eat a more varied, healthy, balanced diet. When she was told to feed more cake and crisps it must have sounded ludicrous to her - if she has no experience of autism yet.

They're your only 2 explanations of what the OP could possibly be?? Idiot or troll?? You're disgusting drift! The OP could be worried, scared, helpless to know what's best, at her wits end, powerless (to stop her DP, especially when she's busy feeding their baby!), these are only a few of what she could be .....

Give her the benefit of your doubt. Help her on to the SN boards where she'll receive much more tailored advice to her needs.

Just I think yoor DH is absolutely worng.
It is WRONG to remove a cuddly toy from a child that age. The whole point of a cuddly toy is to help them feel more secure. Why on earth would you want to remove it? [condused]
It is WRONG to punish a child with no pocket money or no treat at that age. they have no concept of pocket money, little concept of time so it is likely that 1- she only feels that her dad is being mean and hurtful and 2- if you do follow up, she will be even more confused and ressentful.
It is WRONG to think that you can force a child to do what you want them to do. At that age, it's up to the parent to adapt so that whatever techniqwue they are using is working for the child. Threats have never been the way to obtain obedience, unless you are planning to make your child scare shitless of you.

And that's even wo talking about the ASD.

I agree about going onto the SN board for more advice.

But I also think that your DH will need to learn a bit more about child psychology.
Consequences at that age have to be immediate, not something you do 10 hours later (eg an outing), they need to be logical (don't remove the outing to the park if it's the one thing that allows your child to burn energy off and to be clamer for example) and to have some efficiency (eg do NOT the same thing again and again iof it clearly doesn't work. His techniques doesn't work hence he has to change it)
And lastly, if you threaten a consequence, you do carry said consequence. You don't let other people have top bear the weight and the struggle of doing it for you (Miles to easy AND you are missing the opportuntiy to see if said consequence has any effect on the child)

She does not have to use the SN boards if she does not want to.

And having a child with an additional need does not give you immunity from being a twat.

I do think dad really needs to change his approach because he is acting like a twat.

Excellent post, IdealWeather.

When the diagnosis comes through, you'll be offered a place on the Cygnet course. Make sure your DP goes!

Honestly OP he sounds like a complete and utter dick!

We have 5DC and 2 of our DC are autistic and our 8 year old DD can still sleep like a newborn if anyone tried to treat my DD the way your partner is treating your Daughter I'd want to kill them!My DH would never ever dream of treating any of our DC that way no matter what we have going on!

Your poor little girl your partners behaviour towards her would be seen as abusive because of her autism.You can't talk to a child that is autistic in that way!You just can't,they're not like children that aren't autistic and they never will be.

Added to the fact that she has an ear infection and chicken pox poor little girl she must feel horrendous.

What your doing is right what he's doing is about as wrong as possible.It isn't only my own DC I'm basing that on.I used to teach and I've worked with lots of children that are autistic and children that have physical disabilities.I also went onto work with SS and safeguarding and safeguarding within the school for children that were vunerable.

Honestly OP he needs to stop,what he's doing could seriously go on to cause more problems for your DD as she gets older.

There are parenting classes that are specifically for parents of children that are autistic I'd honestly be getting your partner to sign up for some as soon as possible.If you ask your HV they should be able to help you find some that are suitable or if you have a Sure Start children's center they should be able to help,they sometimes run some of the classes themselves and where ever you access the classes they're usually free and there are usually classes available in the evening for parents that are working in the day.

Also is your HV a specialist health visitor?We were lucky enough to get one when our DD was 2 years old and she has been amazing.She know's all the resources that are available for our DD and the rest of us as a family.You can ask to have a specialist Health visitor and it's not something you have to pay for.

There is also medication that our Dr was able to prescribe for our DD once she was over 6 that can help children with extra needs to sleep better at night.
But something that you could try now is a weighted duvet www.weight2goblankets.co.uk/ that link shows what they're used for and what they can help with.

They are supposed to have been amazing for a lot of children that are autistic and they've helped alot of parents to get a better nights sleep.
Also places like the National Autistic Society can be a great source of advice and support.

You sound like your doing an amazing job OP under very stressful circumstances if you can get your DP on side and access some support it could make a world of difference for you all as a family.

Needs ... no OP doesn't have to use the SN boards if she doesn't want to ... but that's where she'll get most replies from those who live with special needs day in, day out. She has 2 threads going that I've posted on, both about possible SN in her dd. That's why I think sn boards are the best place for her to arm her with knowledge and insight, from the horse's mouth so to speak.

I agree her dp is being ridiculous and a bully in this situation .. he could be equally frustrated and not know what or how to do different. He could be feeling lost/worried/confused/unsure of what/why his dd is behaving the way she is. Like I said earlier, if this is the family's first early dealing with possible autism, then they'll all be feeling these emotions and not know what to do or where to turn. But telling the OP that we all agree her dp is BU isn't the best way to help her.

Your attitude is disgusting Adrift

Ask him why he doesn't want to follow how you have discovered it works.

This is about him wanting control more than the best for his child even if it acknowledges you know better than him what works..

He sounds really cruel. And as you're the same poster who's also posted on here about him cheating and possibly having given you an STD, why are you still with him?

can people bear in mind that if the child is screaming it could be because of night terrors i.e. she is asleep and unaware, and not because of extreme distress..

Are you or your Husband on the autistic spectrum too?

What a ridiculous question

I don't think so. I think the answer is relevant.

i don't give a flying fuck if you think its ridiculous.

If ANYONE ever did what her dh is doing to my child, even before we knew he had autism i'd go through him for a fucking shortcut, even if it meant stopping my younger child from feeding for a moment to go do it.

never mind MY attitude, i'm not the poor, sick terrified 3yo being provoked into a meltdown through sheer terror because my dad is yelling at me and i'm screaming at him to go away but mum isn't coming to help me.

whats next? she going to stand by when he takes his hand to her and decided to spank the autism out of her?

Fanjo agree with the night terrors, dc2 had a few too.

However, I know I would have done the same than adrift, ie get up with babe on my boob, come into the room and take over DH.

yes me too. but I do think we should take into account here that the child screaming at him to go away might still be half asleep and totally oblivious, rather than provoked into a meltdown through terror.

Imagine your scenario for a moment drift ...

You stop feeding your baby (just for a moment remember), put him back in his cot, go to dd's bedroom, scream/shout/pull away dp ... dd gets even more hysterical due to all the noise/shouting/screaming, baby's screaming his head off in bedroom coz feeding's been interrupted, dp then completely loses his cool even more and hurls more screaming fits back at the mum ... Great way to control/diffuse the situation

I agree OP needs to sort dp out .. but the scenario above that could likely happen is not the way.

All of this hoo haa and OP hasn't even been back to see any of it ...

Sounds like my dh to be truthful. He pretty much does things his way every weekend and we end up with mass meltdowns with ds from the minute dh gets up to the minute he leaves the house. It doesn't matter how much I tell him and show him the best way to handle it which is quick and painless to all involved he will always do it his way because he is a knob and knows best. I just tell him fuck off out of the way leave me to it regardless of what I am doing because whether he likes it or not he is the problem most of the time.

Sorry just noticed the night terrors bit! Ds had night terrors too I knew the best thing to do was to wait it out they are not awake so pointless doing much really, but just imagine when its over coming face to face with an extremely upset dad it isn't going to help matters is it.

You poor tired thing. You are not being unreasonable!

Vent all you need on here and yes your dh is a knob!!! There's nothing worse than someone ignoring the hard won solutions youve managed to find/ create, and then because they refuse to be enlightened they ADD to the sleep loss and cause you and dd great upset into the bargain. FOOL!!!!

Irritatingly telling someone they are an arrogant fool doesn't usually result in them changing tactics. It may just add to their determination that they will 'win' and prove to you that he's the alpha male here.

If you can bear it id pick a time when you can talk, and you are both at your best (if that's possible), and discuss it in a constructive way. Find out why he doesn't want to do it your way? And massage ego if it's because he feels out of his depth or like he should be able to do it himself. If you can bear it I'd take some time to (re)explain why his behaviour won't ever work on this age child, not even a child without any other issues /needs. Would it help to tackle it in a general child development way if he's having issues with the ASD? Or better with the whole picture?

So it's a waste of energy to try to make ever increasing threats as delayed consequences won't work, and also, all the child hears is meanness, dislike and rejection... not a daddy who loves them being stern for her own good. She hears, sees and feels a person twice or three times her size grabbing her and shouting and scaring her. And terrified children don't go to sleep.

I wish you luck and I really hope you can dig deep so you don't end up beaming him over the head with a large plank of wood!

As an aside, sorry can't resist it! I think it's revolting to try and 'break' your dd's night terrors and sleep issues by waging war on her until she is broken down into conformity and he emerges like the alpha male he is, having vanquished his tiny daughter with threats and anger. Oh yes, such mastery to terrify a child. Wow.

Anyway, rant away but not to fuel a indri ration but to vent so you can get it all out of the way when you address it in real life

Btw, I do think you should be able to vent on AIBU without the rude and deliberately obtuse posters diving in to work off their own issues by giving someone else a good kicking. I don't like the way posters have to steer clear and mumsnet is not a better place for it.

He sounds like he's fairly rigid and blind to emotional nuance himself, tbh. Not unusual in fathers of ASD people, either.

If a diagnosis is forthcoming then he's someone who could very much benefit from the Early Bird programme. It goes through what autism is, how it manifests, how to avoid flashpoints and how to manage behaviour. It's a long road and he can't keep knifing the tyres and expecting the car's speed to improve.

If she is not diagnosed, then I would contact the NAS and ask for a recommendation for a day course he could do. Because his strategies would be bonkers for the most neurotypical three year old on the planet, quite honestly.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Illness, ASD, DH being a plonker and a small baby is enough to drive anyone to gin/their knees/screaming. I send and and and . And in tolerating all the above list, you also get a .

What comes across from the OP to me is that you are telling him what to do, he is telling you what to do, you both think you're right (although it sounds like actually are!). I think you need to develop a more collaborative approach.

He doesn't shout, he just keeps repeating her name/the threatened consequence and the repetition infuriates her. She doesn't have night terrors - I have an older DC who did so I know what they're like. She'll start stirring and the firmness of my hand weighing down on her covets helps her drift back off. Him starting to talk to her when she's tired and wants to be asleep winds her up. I've explained this multiple times but still he does it.