to be cross at DP threatening consequences I won't enforce on night waking DD?

[JustCleo]

DD is 3 and in the process of being diagnosed with ASD. She has slept through the night a handful of times in her life and has an elaborate routine that takes at least 45 mins before she can drop off in the first place. She won't accept anyone but me doing it with her. When she wakes during the night (usually once or twice but sometimes up to five times) she's very upset and flapping but I simply lay her back down and rest my hand on her in silence and she'll calm and go back to sleep. I've explained to DP how I get her back to sleep a hundred times but he persists on doing it 'his way.'

Despite me explaining that the worst thing in the world to do is keep talking to and touching her when she's upset, he keeps repeating her name, telling her to be quiet and trying to cuddle her or get in bed with her. She then goes from light crying when he enters the room to absolute hysteria within a minute. She'd actually be less upset if alone. She screams like she's under attack and he keeps telling her to stop, saying she won't get to do whatever I have planned with her the next day, that she'll lose her pocket money, that she'll have to go and sleep downstairs, that she'll have her favourite toys removed the next day and so on.

Last night she woke as I was feeding baby DS at midnight. DP went to her and she was Hysterical within a minute. He mentioned all the above consequences and got her so upset that she ran into a corner of her room away from him and just kept screaming at him to go away. She is ill at the moment with a cold, ear infection and chicken pox so she has plenty of reason to wake other than ASD.

I somehow managed to settle DS despite DDs screaming and then went to DD but it took an hour to calm her down. She woke again and 2 and again he started threatening to put her downstairs etc and her upset increased hugely. None of us got any decent sleep all night but he can sneak a nap today in his office (self employed.) I, on the other hand, have two poorly children to care for on no sleep and he will expect me to back him up with removing her favourite toys.

Am I being unreasonable to think it's mean to threaten consequences in these circumstances, to not enforce them and to be really pissed off that he acts bewildered about why she gets so upset then Ignores me explaining how I avoid it?

Have been there for last 9 years

Also if she is having night terrors..DD did..she isn't "upset" if screaming and will have no memory of it. He is probably my making them worse by half waking her up but don't be angry that he is traumatising her and making her cry because he won't be.

Thats awful. Sounds like rather than trying to understand her SEN and care for her accordingly, he's actually punishing her for them - and for his own inadequacies and ignorance as a parent.

I agree with Arf that this is cruel, and under the circumstances I'd say it's not just counter productive but actually emotionally abusive. Your poor DD's distress must be enormous, and of course it's no picnic for you.

What do you think? What is he like otherwise?

If my husband threatened to send my three year old downstairs for crying during the night, I'd go fucking mental.

He threatens her with going to sleep downstairs

Presumably he doesn't follow through with that, and yet he expects you to follow through with toy removal etc

Agree with having a calm discussion "this doesn't seem to be working" during the day time.

Is he this pig headed at other times?

This is so common in households where a dc has additional needs. Mum knows how to sort it out and Dad totally ignores that and does what he thinks he 'knows' is best and makes the situation a thousand times worse, whilst insisting that his parenting style is best.

How does he deal with her otherwise? Is he on the spectrum himself, albeit undiagnosed?

Sometimes being told by a professional helps, do make sure he's fully involved in all diagnostics. If there are parenting classes for those whose kids have additional needs, make sure he goes.

YANBU he is a twat. Regardless of ASD his strategy is shit for any young child.

Agree with Ikea, Talking and Blank. Seems to me a bit like a father showing a gay teenage son hetero porn and taking him to a lapdancing club, or something (possibly crap analogy but you get the gist). Blanks wondering whether he could be on the spectrum himself is interesting and could explain the apparent lack of cop-on.

My exh did similar - baby dd with night terrors, he got so frustrated a dropped her (non harmfully thank God) onto bed and said "Rubbish" idiot that he was. He just couldn't cope with not being able to control something. He was EA BTW. How is yours with you generally, OP?

Yanbu, he needs to do the same as you. To threaten her with sleeping downstairs alone must make her feel terrified, poor wee girl.
Is he a 'my way or the highway' type in general? If so you're in for a very bumpy ride throughout your dc's childhood and adolescence. Inconsistencies in parenting styles will make for a very unhappy home, this is particularly pertinent seeing as your dd is being assessed for ASD.

I don't think people should call him a twat unless they have experienced extreme long term sleep deprivation too.

sleep deprivation is hard on the whole family, you need to be pulling together here and working on solutions calmly, not getting even more angry at him because of people on AIBU calling him a twat.

I also don't think it means he is on the spectrum because he struggles with the night wakings.

He is a tool. Sorry but your way sounds infinitely easier.

Who the actually fuck tries to bribe and threaten a 3 year old who is ill and waking at night? Honestly. (I have two children who woke a lot at that age. Staying calm was the best course of action and it was clear they weren't doing it on purpose).

If I were you I'd just take baby with me to resettle her if it is as easier as you say? So sit next to dd while you're feeding ds and pop your hand on her. Set up a nice comfy space next to her bed. That's what I did with my two (2 year age gap)

Yanbu and I wouldn't do it his way even for a 3 year old without autism!

Yanbu!!
DP drives me absolutely crazy with threats that he knows full well we will not carry through-what's the point? And we're not dealing with ASD.
Your dh really needs to stop being pig headed about "his way" which is helping no one. Will he take your views/ways on other things? Your routine, although slightly long does seem to work so I can't understand why he won't go along with it? Does he just have a short straw Is he trying to prove he's capable of doing it himself which he doesn't seem to be

And I have suffered terrible sleep deprivation (worse was when dd woke every 20 mins - I also had a toddler to look after!)

Just .... The SN boards are the best places for you posting about special needs. Parents there have gone through/are going through the same/similar things and can provide invaluable information on a whole host of things.

I don't have a child with ASD, but DD1 had enuresis and wet the bed a couple of times per night. XH used to get angry with her if he got up (so rare - he never heard them make a sound ever) and when she and DD2 were sharing a room, I would then have two upset DCs to deal with. Fortunately for me, XH worked away for 6 or 7 months of the year, so I would just get on with things through the night, but when he was home, it was all 10 times worse. He, too would threaten or bribe and willfully refused to understand it was not something she was doing on purpose. He also willfully misunderstood her allergies and I am sometimes surprised she survived any time spent alone with him!

You do need to talk to your DH and get him to understand that his way is not working. Perhaps your HV might have a chat with him? Obviously I don't know him, but I wonder if his behaviour is because he doesn't know how to deal with your DD's ASD. I am not excusing him, but XH didn't want to believe that we had a child with problems.

he is being an absolute fucking cunt.

Quite frankly, if your DD does have autism then what he is doing is DELIBERATELY provoking a meltdown.

Im normally quite rational, but he is being ABUSIVE, not just cruel, he is ABUSING her. To carry on threatening her when she is cowering in the corner is SO beyond acceptable i am honestly absolutely livid for your poor little girl

You need to make him stop this right now, i'm sorry, if that means threatening to leave him, then do it, you have an obligation to protect your daughter from this fucking shitbag of a father.

If you let him continue to treat her like this then you're being complicit in it.

There is zero point in threatening a child who is awake at night with some negative thing that will happen a whole day later (take her toys away). And she is only 3!! Might work with a teenager who is wanting to stay up half the night to play on a computer.
Punishment is not a reinforcer, it is only a reinforcing himself as a Punisher and a Threatener. Tell him that.
He is so consumed with his own behaviour and feelings that he cannot notice and is not aware of his own or even her behaviour. He only feels anger and resentment (at whoever it doesn't matter) and his feelings then block him being able to manage the situation. If there was a 1-10 scale, he goes straight from Calm at 0 to Angry and Verbal Threatening at 7 to Taking Punishing Action (putting child downstairs or physical violence) at 10.
Just like trying to reason with an upset and tired child at 1am is useless, trying to talk to him reasonably about it then is pointless too. Talk to him about it when he is calm. As he will be able to see his behaviour better then in hindsight.
Talk about having a consistent plan, can he see what works well and what doesn't work well, and can he try to stick to the technique regardless of his feelings. So talk about techniques that work well, not about 'you are doing it wrong'. Tell him to think about it as if there was a camera in the room and what would someone looking into the room see?

That's a bit harsh drift! The OP is going through difficult times. I've posted on both her threads and advised her to use the SN boards instead. AIBU is NOT the place for her difficulties. We too live with autism every day and when you're banging your head against a brick wall because no-one is listening to you about your child, no-one is helping your child, no professional sees the true difficulties you face - you hit rock bottom and feel absolutely helpless, stuck with nowhere to go and no-one to turn to next.

If this is the OP's first dealings with possible autism then yes, I can understand her questioning if the advice she's been given is correct. She's asking for help and advice here. AIBU is the wrong place to do that though. I've mentioned a few times now for her to go the SN boards where she will receive very helpful advice and information.

That's better help for her than i really would actually report the two of you for child abuse. She hasn't actually stopped her dd having cake and crisps .. she's asked what others think about it.