Aibu to be this fed up :(

[Gymboree567]

Hi
I'm just down, fed up
But I shouldn't be I have 3 good kids, a job, a house, a husband and everything should be ok, but its not
I'm so lonely, I have one friend, which I seem to put all the effort into, my 13 year old speaks to me like something she's stepped in, I work 20-30 hours a week yet do all the housework, it's a constant battle with 3 kids to keep on top of everything.
When ever I try to speak to my husband about it, he says he doesn't want to hear it, if I'm having a bad day I should keep it to myself
I suppose my main problem is loneliness, I feel I've tried everything to meet people but friends never stick, I've tried
Volunteering
Making friends through work
Helping at a riding stables
Adults only swimming
Parent and toddler groups
Excercise classes
Online friendships
Approaching people in the street (that I recognised not strangers!)
Reconnecting with old school friends
Joined the gym
Neighbours
Play dates/mums from school

Nothing's worked!
My husband has friends and I've asked if we can all do something together with their wives too but he says no he's happy how it is and doesn't want to

I feel like I've got the short straw, I work just as much if not more than him, I have to deal with the kids including a stroppy teenager, endless cleaning and tidying and I have no support and no one to turn to when I feel down

I know I should be happy we are all healthy (touch wood) and are financially stable although no where near rich we have everything we need
Aibu do I just need a kick up the ass, or is there more to life
Thanks x

[lavenderdoilly]

If Disney land Paris works for you then do it (it would work for me, btw)

[BarbarianMum]

Not crazy at all, if you think you'd enjoy it. You sound far too taken for granted, esp by your 'd'h.

[DraughtyWindow]

Yes, do go and ride! It's THE best therapy in the world. Well I think so

[dingit]

I'm only looking forward to the Easter holidays as I get a lie in. The Dc won't be interested in me, Dd will be fauning over her boyfriend, ds glued to his X box.

[PinotEgregio]

Your H does not pull his own weight around the house. He is actively unkind to you. It rather sounds like your children are starting to take after him.

I presume that, as you chose to marry him, there was a point in the past when he was kind and loving and prioritised you over everything else. How long has it been since that was true? And - I'm very sorry if this is hurtful - seriously, what are your reasons for not telling him to leave?

[tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit]

I agree, your relationship with your DH is a huge problem. He is massively taking you for granted, and his only concerns for your feelings seem to be how they affect him.

Well done for starting to put yourself first.

Go to Disneyland! It is little crazy, but in a wonderful, liberating, life-affirming way, not in a don't-do-it way!

If he questions it, say he doesn't invite you out with him, so you're not inviting him to go with you.

[PinotEgregio]

'Fuck yes!' to Disneyland, btw.

[Finola1step]

Go.

All this rushing around after your dc and dh is insane. Have you ever seen the film "Shirley Valentine"? If not, watch it. If you have, watch it again.

[lavenderdoilly]

If you are 37, then you weren't much older than your 18 year old when you had them. You've been doing serious grown up for a long time. You will have ups and downs as you reassert yourself but, please keep it up.

[CocktailQueen]

Sounds like your h is causing at least some of your low mood.

He sounds charmless, uncaring, and - frankly - a tosser.

for you.

[SonjasSister]

Your husband sounds horrible, sorry. If you're fed up, he should care about that and at least listen. He sounds selfish and a bit nasty. Is that what you signed up for when you got married? What did he say in his marriage vows? Seriously. Can you remind him what you said to each other?

[GatherlyGal]

I agree I think your H is the problem here. How can he know you are lonely / fed up and not want to help?

I say stop cleaning up after the kids (and dh) and book yourself a holiday.

If you are miserable (and living with a selfish knob will do that) then it's hard to make and maintain friendships.

You've become part of the furniture - there to look after everyone. Book yourself a holiday and let them miss you for a bit.

[MeMySonAndl]

Here's a story one friend told me many years ago:

There was a woman who was in unbearable pain: If she touched her head it will hurt, she touched her leg and there was unbearable pain, same with her arms, face and the whole surface of her body.

She went from doctor to doctor unable to find, despite a huge amount of tests, what was causing all that pain in such different places in her body. Simply put, everything was wrong.

So it came the day when she walked into a little doctor practice and explained all the pain and the battery of tests she had had without finding a cause for such problems. The doctor patiently heard her talk and at the end asked "Can I see your fingers?" . It appeared she had a broken finger which was the cause of all pain.

My friend and I often joked about the need of finding "The broken finger" which was the source of all our dissatisfaction. I don't know if she has find hers but to my surprise, I found mine on the days after my marriage ended.

Once he was out of the picture, house chores were a doodle, so was parenting. My job didn't seem so stressful anymore and my house went from a lonely place to be full of friends several times in the week. The place that I had hated with a passion during my marriage become my" best place in the world to live" within a few months. It was as if the Sun had come out.

I'm not advocating for you to leave him, but try to disengage from him a bit, do your own thing and do not involve him on any decisions on what you do with your own time, and use that time to pursue what makes you happy, the friends will come as soon as you feel happier.

[NiceHaberdashery]

Sorry to be harsh, but you're basically looking after 4 children aren't you? The 4th is your arse of a H. If I were you I'd tell him to grow up and pull his weight or fuck straight off.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

What a horrid situation - I feel your husband is worsening your sense of isolation...

Can I speak candidly??

Don't threaten: Act...

You stop all tidying up after all adult /teenage people... And please do it now... It really isn't and shouldn't be your job... And KEEP to it!

You need to speak differently - present it as an problem/issue you ALL need to solve eg 'we are all in and out all week... How are we going to fairly distribute the cleaning/cooking /washing?' ... Do not accept more than say a quarter (or however many people there are) of all the chores... Any comments of - 'it's you job' should be met with - 'it's not my job to do this', and keep saying of, then if they continue with this toss - say that by doing 100.percent of everything you are very unhappy.... And keep repeating....

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

PS also book yourself a holiday!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Have you got the funds to take yourself away on holiday? If you do, then go. Spend a week with adults who enjoy the same things and take stock.

www.inthesaddle.com/

I'm really sorry but your husband does not sound as though he loves or values you or your company at all.

[Gymboree567]

When we met we bothed love raving, we went out every weekend together, just dancing and chatting to people, it was the best years of my life
Now he doesn't want to do that any more he says we are too old, but there are old school events on, we went to one last October and it was great, but he said he didn't enjoy it as much, there was one a couple of weeks ago and he had spoken to his friends about going I said we should all go in a group, but he didnt want too
I feel sad those days are over, it's ok for him he still sees his friends in the pub every Friday night and occasional nights out/works dos maybe 5/6 times a year
But I never get to go out, last October was the last time I went out and before that it was 3 years ago!
If I try to speak to him about it he gets all moody saying he never goes out! And Friday nights don't count because he goes to the pub after work (I don't know what he means!!)
I started crying saying i just want to go somewhere and talk to people is that too much to ask and he said he'd had enough of this :(

[OnlyLovers]

Your husband is a selfish twat.

Go on holiday on your own if you want to. Sod them.

Also, stick to your plan of taking your time at the gym and getting a takeaway for yourself.

They all need to see what happens when the cleaning/cooking/sorting-out fairy isn't there.

[Gymboree567]

I do have my own money we keep it separate. So I have nearly a years wages saved up so could go away,
I had my daughter at 19 so I feel like I've spent my whole adult life taking care of others (although that was my choice so can't really complain)
I met my husband when my daughter was 4 so he didnt become an actual dad until he was 32 so he doesn't understand

[oldgrandmama]

Read the post, a few up, by MeMySonAndl

One of the best I've ever seen on MN.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

He sounds awful, and he won't change, book that holiday, time to get selfish in the true sense of the word.

[Gymboree567]

I love him, I don't want to split up, but sometimes I don't know where we are heading
He's happy with his life, he has me doing everything, he has money, (more than me) he has friends, but I feel like I'm ruining his life when I complain :/

[breezydoesit]

Your husband sounds like a prick. Full stop.

[TwoKettles]

Oh no - how frustrating! I'm glad you have started to put tentative plans in place. If your husband is being restrictive about including you in things, go and find stuff just for you! Your kids are old enough to be able to look after themselves at least for some of the time.

Go to Disneyland - single riders don't have to wait as long for the rides. Use the time to evaluate what YOU want.

Is there a local walking group or parkrun nearby that you could use at a weekend?

Also look up some weekend courses - most universities have an institute of continuing education and lots of the courses are just for 1 weekend, pay and turn up, and if it's a residential course you get fed and a clean bed too! Bursaries are available for financial assistance in some cases. Oxford and Cambridge do lots of these courses - no knowledge of the subject is necessary: it's nice just to chat to folk you don't know, who you may or may not have anything in common with, and to just be social.

The world is out there, go and get it!