Aibu to be this fed up :(

[Gymboree567]

Hi
I'm just down, fed up
But I shouldn't be I have 3 good kids, a job, a house, a husband and everything should be ok, but its not
I'm so lonely, I have one friend, which I seem to put all the effort into, my 13 year old speaks to me like something she's stepped in, I work 20-30 hours a week yet do all the housework, it's a constant battle with 3 kids to keep on top of everything.
When ever I try to speak to my husband about it, he says he doesn't want to hear it, if I'm having a bad day I should keep it to myself
I suppose my main problem is loneliness, I feel I've tried everything to meet people but friends never stick, I've tried
Volunteering
Making friends through work
Helping at a riding stables
Adults only swimming
Parent and toddler groups
Excercise classes
Online friendships
Approaching people in the street (that I recognised not strangers!)
Reconnecting with old school friends
Joined the gym
Neighbours
Play dates/mums from school

Nothing's worked!
My husband has friends and I've asked if we can all do something together with their wives too but he says no he's happy how it is and doesn't want to

I feel like I've got the short straw, I work just as much if not more than him, I have to deal with the kids including a stroppy teenager, endless cleaning and tidying and I have no support and no one to turn to when I feel down

I know I should be happy we are all healthy (touch wood) and are financially stable although no where near rich we have everything we need
Aibu do I just need a kick up the ass, or is there more to life
Thanks x

[Cornishclio]

I think you have a big problem in your marriage. If your OH is like this when your children are still living with you what would it be like when they leave home? The DC also seem to be following in your OH footsteps so please take back your self respect.

I am assuming your OH will not do counselling so start by working on your interests/ making new friends. Evening classes, walking groups, cinema trips with workmates or other mums? Sometimes all it takes is someone to suggest/organise things. What about a book club if there is a local one or suggest to neighbours etc. Even an activity holiday might work as you could meet people. TBH I wouldn't fancy doing Disneyland on my own but if that appeals then go for it. Would your OH not even do a holiday with you? Why are you still with him?

[Gymboree567]

Maybe you are all right
He came home at 5, I've been quiet, not moody just not talkative
I know he knows I'm upset but he hasn't said anything, no are you ok, or are you feeling alright
Nothing
:(

[novemberchild]

You honestly sound like me in my first marriage - I'm 38 and have DD who is 19. I lived like you for YEARS, wasted my 20's on a man who just wanted me as a 'wife' but not a partner or friend. Kids began to take after him
I left. I never regretted it.

[NiceHaberdashery]

I thought people would say "you're the mum, you had kids get on with it"

He's the dad. He had the kids too.

Or has it been like this so long I just don't know any different anymore? I'm afraid I think so, yes.

Absolutely this ^ Please start by dropping the dogsbody stuff immediately, go away by yourself to get some headspace and then think seriously how best to take back control of your own life. Good luck!

[AppleAndBlackberry]

I do a lot of that stuff and my kids are challenging too, although younger. I don't have loads of friends although I have a few other Mums I meet in school holidays and I'm really close to my siblings. I think the difference for me is that DH and I spend a lot of time together, we go out for lunch quite often, we spend time together in the evenings and he wouldn't dream of telling me he didn't want to listen to how I was feeling. He also picks the kids up from school once a week and cooks at the weekends. He does have more of a social life than me but I'm OK with that, I could do more if I wanted to. It feels like your DH isn't being a brilliant support at the moment.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

You are unhappy, you feelings are real and valid, everyone in the house should be pitching in. From what you have written, your husband does not sound like a nice man. Are you on Streetlife? Ours often has adult meet ups, could be for walks, drinks, art classes, all manner of things, take a look, the people on there will all be local to you.

[leelu66]

You don't know any different anymore

It's not right that you do everything. DH was mopping floors and scrubbing the bathroom within a month of marriage.

I think if I did all the housework whilst he went out or sat on his arse, my resentment would grow to epic proportions. If you were a SAHM, then yes, you could do more housework (but not all).

And kids need to learn to do some chores themselves.

[BudsBeginingSpringinSight]

time to get a cleaner and bill him for it?

[OnlyLovers]

I thought people would say "you're the mum, you had kids get on with it"

He's the dad. He had the kids too.

Or has it been like this so long I just don't know any different anymore? I'm afraid I think so, yes.

[OnlyLovers]

I don't get why I can't meet his friends wives

Because he wants to control you.

Sorry but this 'simple bloke' is in fact shutting you down and minimising ALL your feelings. And they are HIS KIDS too, not just yours to 'moan about' or be responsible for.

Any decent person would give an ear to the problems/feelings/unhappiness of their partner.

[Gymboree567]

Tbh I'm totally shocked by the responses,
I thought people would say "you're the mum, you had kids get on with it"
Or just suck it up, life's shit sometimes
Still cant really believe its that bad?! Is it?! Or has it been like this so long I just don't know any different anymore?

[Gymboree567]

I don't think he's that bad, he's just a simple bloke, black and white, shut up and get on with it kind of thing
I can understand he doesn't want to listen to me moan about the kids
But just wish he would be a bit more appreciative and the going out thing does my head in
I don't get why I can't meet his friends wives

[scampimom]

That's it, isn't it - he's treating you like you're an uppity maid who has no right to complain about anything.

[personoftheinternet]

And yes take that holiday, be happy and focus on yourself for once!

[personoftheinternet]

The problem here is your husband. He's taking you for granted and he's treating you like shit.

What is in this relationship for you OP?

I really don't want to be harsh but to me it seems he is treating you as his live in maid and actively going out of his way to make you feel like crap about yourself. He's your partner, you should be able to share your feelings with him. He should be doing his fair share around the house. He should be supportive and make you happy, not miserable.

[scampimom]

This is making me so angry for you. You're supposed to be a wife and mother not a dogsbody! Hell yeah go to Disneyland, go to Timbuktoo if you want to, sounds like it's been way too long since you did anything you really wanted to. You are a person too and your feelings and your time are worth just the same as anyone else, and if he thinks otherwise he can shunt himself up the wotsit with a didgeridoo for my money. YADNBU to think there's more to life than thankless drudgery!!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

A weekend's not enough time. You need to a) be properly missed and b) have a proper break.

[PinotEgregio]

'ruining his life'?

You are RUNNING his life.

[Fannyupcrutch]

OP, were about in the country are you? you sound like you could be my potential new best friend!

I second the others saying book your Disney trip, I would LOVE to do that! I did something similar 7 years ago and booked 10 days in America and left my kids home with their dad. It was liberating, I suddenly realised that at 30 years old I had been used as a skivvy to wipe bums, snotty noses and clean house. It all changed after I did that. You need to take control of your happiness, they will not make you happy as they have nothing to gain- Just time to lose by doing chores. So redefine your family dynamic. If they dont settle to the new rules then that is their issue. The husband, 18 year old, they are old enough to go live elsewhere. Take back your power !

[leelu66]

To the poster who said OP should go away for the weekend - won't the problems just be waiting for her when she comes back?

[Gymboree567]

I work odd hours, long hours on a Saturday, some evenings, so will be home some daytimes

[SonjasSister]

You're not 'ruining his life'!! Blimey if that s how he responds he's the biggest teenager of them all. Not letting you express your feelings sounds quite abusive, intentionally or not. Does he have very fragile mental health such that he can't deal with difficult feelings? If so, he needs to seek treatment as it is stopping him functioning in his relationships. If not, he's being indulged quite unreasonably by you. You really ought to be able to talk to your husband about this if he professes to love you.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

3 teenagers home all day wanting me to entertain them, we'll I've told them I'm not

Won't you be at work or are you PT? You are not proposing to take holiday to wait on your kids are you?

I got married at 37 and went on to have children then. I make this point as in real terms you could walk away now and meet someone else. You are not an old woman, you are not signed up to this for life. If you have three teenagers you are only a few years away from being at home with just your husband for company.

F*ck Disneyland - go to Ibiza if dance music is your thing.

[Baconyum]

You husband is a selfish, emotionally and financially abusive dick! That is not love it's not even like! Fwiw this is how my ex behaved right before he started his affairs. You are still young you could meet someone much better. Book Disney (and I say that as someone who hates Disney) stop doing any chores for him, seriously restrict what you do for dc (food and laundering school clothes the rest let them realise how much you do for them) if rooms a pigsty black bag the lot make them sort it.

Tell dh when you get back from Disney things better change or else and mean it! He is not to shut you down or out and is to be more caring and supportive.

If nothing changes ltb.

[leelu66]

OP, I could feel my blood pressure rising just reading your posts.

I think you are finding your anger, which I think is good, it just needs to be channelled positively now.

Your H and DC need to know that you're not willing to be their dogsbody anymore.

Everyone needs to have assigned chores.

Make it clear that you are not willing to care for a dog.

Tell your DP that you are not the housekeeper and that you want to go out with him (without kids) now and again.

If he refuses, then you will know that this is not a life partner.