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Original poster

It's my birthday and I need your help (please)

74 replies

everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 18:46

It was my birthday yesterday and it doesn't really matter in itself except for the fact every single birthday I promise myself things will be different on the next one and they never are.

I'm 36. Single, no children.

My jobs are a mess I have two of them and they're both awful and i never seem to earn enough to be comfortable and I hate the fact I rarely get a day off yet to be honest when I do get a day off I never have much to do as I don't have the money and I don't really have the social circle either. I have friends but understandably for women in mid thirties lives revolve around children and family stuff (not a criticism it's just how it is.)

I'm also overweight which affects my confidence with absolutely everything (no fat shaming please, I already know I'm disgusting and a drain on the nhs.)

I don't know if there's anywhere positive I can go, I feel there isn't.

OP posts:
ShebaQueen · 13/03/2016 18:57

Happy Birthday for yesterday every. You sound very down and you're being too hard on yourself. Birthdays are a milestone but by promising yourself things will be different on the next one you're putting too much pressure on yourself.

As for your weight, sound like it is affecting your confidence which in turn is affecting other aspects of your life. Come over to the Low Carb Bootcamp thread, lots of support there and many people, including me, have managed to lose weight relatively painlessly, plus there is lots of chat and mutual support.

At 36 you are still young and you can definitely turn things around.

SonjasSister · 13/03/2016 19:00

Many happy returns! I got together with with my dh when I was 36 Smile! (or maybe 37, a while ago now...)

Regular exercise will help your mood and your health, whatever weight you are. I believe fit fat people can in fact be healthier than unfit slim ones tho I'm not an expert..

Can you sign up to add / boost a professional skill eg IT, to improve your earning prospects? Some skills courses are subsidised in some places I think.

Good luck, and be nice to yourself!

Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 19:05

I really would if I thought I could but I know myself well by now.

I'm well qualified but made a mistake in my career so am screwed. That's why I've got two jobs. I know won't meet anyone - that's not what this is about, I just wish I could look at my life and wish I'd achieved something and I haven't and never will.

OP posts:
Emptynestx2 · 13/03/2016 19:14

Hi, first time replying to a message but I just wanted to reach out to you because you sound so sad, don't feel you're on your own, there will be a lot of people on here with advice for you, all I want to say is don't hate yourself, being overweight isn't a crime and you've got yourself into a state where you're beating yourself up about everything , maybe try and tackle each problem separately? Your career? Is what you did totally impossible to overcome? Maybe it's not so bad and you need to talk it through? I'm here to listen and not judge. Take care

Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 19:24

Thank you :)

I'm in such a self pitying mood tonight - sorry ladies. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful.

I want my life to change but it's hard knowing how truthfully.

OP posts:
Trollicking · 13/03/2016 19:24

Happy Birthday for yesterday. Cake Wine Flowers

I'd recommend a big 'ol diet and playing sport if, and only if, that works for you. I'd suggest badminton as a sport as it's easy to do at any level even if you are a beginner. It's an easy social event too. You get to meet people but not in an awkward way. Lots of sports centers have back to badminton classes that you can just pitch up to on a pay as you go basis. (Google No strings Attached Badminton)

I know it sounds very simplistic to just recommend dieting as though it's easy Blush but I think it can have a massive impact on everything if you can manage it.

Buzzardbird · 13/03/2016 19:28

Firstly, you are not a burden on the NHS, what a load of twaddle. You are reading the wrong newspapers.

Secondly, just because your chosen lifestyle isn't what you regard as 'the norm' why do you think it isn't successful and rewarding? Not everyone has to be the same.

Why don't you start celebrating what you have? Is it because it isn't what you want?

Buzzardbird · 13/03/2016 19:30

Being thin won't necessarily make you happy.

Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 19:37

But what do I have? I know in comparison to people in the third world I am so lucky but I don't feel it because I live in the first world.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 13/03/2016 19:42

Well, are you dying of anything?

Oysterbabe · 13/03/2016 19:43

You should make a list of some realistic aims for this year, what would you like to have achieved by next birthday? Maybe we can come up with some suggestions to help you achieve it.

Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 19:45

Unfortunately Osyter, as really, genuinely lovely as that is all the things I'd like to achieve - they might as well involve travelling to the moon in a car.

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 13/03/2016 19:46

Hello, agree with others that you sound down, and what a shame as I bet you're lovely. What about setting yourself an achievable goal and working towards it? Learning to knit, going swimming once a week, learning the basics of a new language, going to life drawing classes - that kind of thing. It can be a real confidence booster and potentially could be social. Don't be too down on your achievements being a nice person and having friends is a not a minor achievement (lots of people don't manage one or both of these). And don't feel bad about not having a mortgage or whatever - it's a generational thing, people your age were raised to expect they'd get what their parents have but the economic climate is just so different. Good luck and Happy Birthday for yesterday.

AtSea1979 · 13/03/2016 19:47

OP maybe you could start by thinking about what it is you do want. What would make you happy.
Children? Relationship? Money?

Buzzardbird · 13/03/2016 19:48

Unless you are dying of something then you are in charge of your own future. You can join on-line dating agencies if a partner is what you want.
you have two jobs, which is great, twice the security some people have.
Being overweight doesn't mean you aren't fit, can you walk? Can you join clubs? Walking is a great way of keeping fit and meeting people, though I am sure they are a great many ways of doing so.

Friends of mine have had a lot of fun doing speed dating.

If you are healthy and well, the future is in your hands.

wannabestressfree · 13/03/2016 19:48

Only you can change this... plan a holiday, make some changes, carpe diem :)

theycallmemellojello · 13/03/2016 19:48

X-post - all the things I'd like to achieve - they might as well involve travelling to the moon in a car. - ooh this is bad, but it's good you recognise it. Unachievable goals are a confidence-sapper. try not to dwell on these, but think of something more realistic.

AtSea1979 · 13/03/2016 19:49

Sorry missed Oysters post. OP you'd be surprised how quickly life can change.

tigermoll · 13/03/2016 20:02

Everysingle I get how down you feel -- and us cheerily saying 'make a list of what you want to achieve' sounds utterly pointless. We don't understand, there are a million reasons why nothing will work, you are uniquely trapped and uniquely helpless. I get it. 'Make a list' doesn't cut it.

But really dude make a list. Make an actual list. Think of twelve things you'd like to have by your next birthday. Then divide them up by months so this month's focus might be on improving your job situation. Don't worry about all the other stuff for the next 30 days. You'd be surprised how much you can achieve if you make something a priority.

The next month it might be buying a house. (You'll keep going with the job stuff, because by then it will have become a habit and gained its own momentum.) So you look into what kind of mortgage you could get, what kind of deposit you would need, how much you'd need to save each month to build that up in, say, five or ten years.

Next month - health and fitness.
Month after - making friends.
...and so on.

Seriously, though -- this is your life. And you CAN make it better. As Jillian Michaels says: 'Transformation is not a future event. It is a present activity'.

Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 20:14

I have :) but like I say - it's just not really possible.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 13/03/2016 20:22

Why?

positivity123 · 13/03/2016 20:31

A few years ago I was really down about my career and lack of relationship and my health. On a whim I signed up for a half marathon and it changed everything. Over the six months that I was training I could see such an improvement in my health, strength and mood that it trickled into every other area of my life. Because I felt more confident I went for a job and got it and because I felt like I was more interesting because I had a new goal and hobby I felt more confident socially. I felt more confident and started seeing my now DH.

Can you do one thing like that? Maybe sign up for a charity bike ride or a swim challenge? One goal will make other things seem more achievable?

Also this isn't a pro running thread, the half marathon was still the hardest thing I have ever done and I will never do one again!! I still hate running but I now stay fit

GloGirl · 13/03/2016 20:46

Look back at when you were 29 - what do you want to say to yourself? What do you want your 29 year old self to do so that when it was the morning of your 36th birthday you would have felt fabulous ?

Then what the fuck do you think your 43 year old overweight and miserable self would want to say to your 36 year old self feeling sorry and sad.

Buck up, you would say. Go and do it, we have years ahead of us why not make them happy ones? Life isn't going to come along and give you anything. You've got to make a change.

If you don't make a change you will honestly look back when you are 46 and think "Fuck, I was so young and had it all to go, why did I feel so shit? If only I knew."

Well you do know, I'm telling you now Flowers

Happy birthday x

tigermoll · 13/03/2016 21:05

like I say - it's just not really possible

Can you tell us a bit more about why that is? Come on, we're strangers on the internet -- you can be honest with us :)

tigermoll · 13/03/2016 21:06

Or maybe you could tell us a few things that are on your list?