It's my birthday and I need your help (please)

[everysinglebirthday]

It was my birthday yesterday and it doesn't really matter in itself except for the fact every single birthday I promise myself things will be different on the next one and they never are.

I'm 36. Single, no children.

My jobs are a mess I have two of them and they're both awful and i never seem to earn enough to be comfortable and I hate the fact I rarely get a day off yet to be honest when I do get a day off I never have much to do as I don't have the money and I don't really have the social circle either. I have friends but understandably for women in mid thirties lives revolve around children and family stuff (not a criticism it's just how it is.)

I'm also overweight which affects my confidence with absolutely everything (no fat shaming please, I already know I'm disgusting and a drain on the nhs.)

I don't know if there's anywhere positive I can go, I feel there isn't.

OP you sound very sad. Is there anything you can do to give yourself a small moment of happiness? Then you can build on that.
What about booking a day course in a subject that interests you - sometimes colleges do taster mornings on pottery, sewing, carpenty etc.

Or can you learn a language on your commute to work?

Are there opportunities for promotion at work?
There's an amazing running group in my village that is ladies only, has beginners 10 week courses and runs throughout the week to suit work shifts. I've not joined yet, but see their achievements on FB and they often post pics of them socialising together too.
I was very similar to you at your age. Then I met my (now) DH at work (he'd worked in another part of the building for years), we have a child and a settled life. I'm still overweight but happy.

Oh, and have you looked into WI or Ladies Circle? Both great groups for meeting other women and doing activities that don't revolve around families.

Please try not to be so down on yourself, yes, we get that you feel your life is crap but think about tiny, tiny steps that could help you get out of your rut.

It is a good idea to focus on 12 different things - one for each month, but perhaps that sounds overwhelming?

Think about your weight - I have been over weight all my life - I am late 50s - I have joined yet another slimming club (my 10th ) and I am doing really well - have lost a stone in six weeks - yes, I might put it back on but I am focusing on my current success. I am enjoying the club, meeting new people, doing a bit of exercise and I feel proud of myself.

If you like animals what about doing voluntary work with animals, or helping an elderly/lonely neighbour with walking a dog (I think there is a charity called The Cinnamon Trust which can put you in touch with people).

What about joining a local women's group - WI or Townswomen Group - whatever is in your area?

Sometimes just doing one thing - anything - might help a little?

I need nothing wannabe. Like I say if it makes you feel good to hang out metaphorical kicks up the arse do it but don't think it's for my benefit it's for yours. I'm sorry your life isn't good but what do you think I should do, actually don't answer that.

Sorry didn't see the replies on page 3. Will have a look. Thanks

This thread is extremely similar to last week's by friendlyfoxes. If you're not the same person, maybe you could chat things over because you have the same mindset so might find more common ground than you feel you've gained from responses here.

Like others have said, I'd focus on the little steps - literally. I don't have time to do exercise classes but I walk and since I got a step counter and have focused on the distance I walk, I have felt much fitter and have more energy even if I haven't lost much weight. Walking is free and fresh air is good for clearing the mind. I even try and struggle along in a jog at weekends.

With the career thing, even if you hate both jobs equally, can you at least think of a way you might not have to do both of them in 4, 5, 6 years (or whenever?) Is there a potential version of the future where you might not have to do both?

I also second volunteering. Meeting new people, having something else going on in your life which takes you outside yourself, something which gives you a bit of real satisfaction for doing a good job helping someone else. It has certainly brought me more satisfaction than any other job I've done.

Happy Birthday,sorry it's late

Birthday you do sound really sad and really low,have you been feeling like that for quite a while?
If you have I'd honestly be speaking to your Dr in case it's depression.It's an evil little sod and it can sneak up on any of us and sometimes it can take years for us to realize that we might actually have depression.I know it managed to sneak up on me twice so far in my life and it was bloody horendous but both times I did get help with it and it did work it lifted and it has made a good change for me to my life.

You also sound really negative about your self which is really sad to read.I've honestly thought for a long time now that when we feel so down about ourselves that we can get stuck in the one single moment of our lifes that we desperately want to be able to move on from.

I don't know if you've ever tried anything like mindfulness I haven't but I do know a few people that have now and it really seems to be helping them.

Also things like writing down something good every day or just a couple of times a week,things that have happend or you've achieved that have made you smile,or made someone else smile,something you've achieved.It doesn't matter how big or small it is.
Writting it down in a notebook and keeping it with you then when any days come along and you think what's the sodding point take the notebook out and take a few minutes and read what you've wrote.

These are all the emotional health and mental health things that you could start doing for yourself from now if you wanted to and they'd all be free as well.

With your jobs can you look into changing your job or changing position where you work?Would you be able to get full time hours in one of the places you work at rather than having 2 jobs to go to?
If your in jobs you hate(that won't help how your feeling with the amount of time work can take up of our lives)are you still in them because you can't find the kind of job you'd want to do or is it because you need some more qualifications?

If it's you can't find what your looking for think about letting people you know what sort of job your after,friends,family,close neighbours.it's all a way to network and someone you know may have just the connection you need to get the job you want.

If it's qualifications that you would need to gain does either of the places you work at offer study through work?Quite alot of places do now and some are free(the cost is covered by where you work)others the cost is subsidised by where you work.

If they don't offer either of those have you looked into places like the Open University?They've actually started running lots of free courses now.If none of those intrested you if your on a very low wage you can sometime get some financial help towards studying or alot of them offer a payment plan so you don't have to pay out all in one lump sum.

I hope there's something there that might help and if you want to start dating don't give up!
I met my DH on an online dating site and I never thought that would ever happen or if your very brave(I never was)maybe drop some hints to some of your attached friends do some double dates or if your really brave try some blind dates.

OP, I think memyselfandaye and wannabestressfree were trying to be constructive and were not trying to put you down. I think you have misinterpreted their posts. You asked for help and posters are trying to help you. If you just wanted a moan then ,fair enough,everyone wants a moan sometimes but in your OP you specifically ask for advice.

Thats exactly right trollicking

None of the things the OP mentioned are impossible to change. They really aren't, but its got to start with yourself.

Nobody was attacking you, all I was saying is that you can do anything you want with your life, you are in control, if you want a better life make it happen. You could live another 70yrs, make them happy ones.

Are you happy in your flat?

Can you/are you allowed to decorate if not?

I find it much nicer to just sit and "be" and relax, when the flat is tidy and freshly decorated. It makes a real difference to my MH to live in a pleasant home.

Thanks. I don't know what I'm being asked to chat to.

I did ask advice and shouldn't have as I'm beyond that. I don't have time to do anything other than work.

Serious question, what makes you so different that other people can change but you can't?

Hi, I think you do need some help, I understand that people are trying to help you by suggesting clubs etc etc but I don't think you're in a place to take these suggestions on board. Please go and see your dr and explain how you are feeling, maybe they will suggest medication but also counselling could help you.

Please don't give up, you're still young and there will be something to look forward to in the future, we've just got to get you into a better place.

Take care

I don't know, Glo, I really don't. I won't see my GP or get counselling as it won't help.

Can you tell us any more about why life feels so hopeless? You reached out to this group and I'm sure there is something we can do to help you.

I am really not doing this for my benefit nor am I unhappy with my own life. I was just pointing out I have reasons to be unhappy if I so wished and yet my mindset is I chose not to.
You are closed off to everything but obviously need some sort of help. I imagine medical. There is no shame in it and it may turn out to be more of a rewiring issue that can be rectified than a 'my life sucks' issue.
I hope you find peace though.

It doesn't suck, wanna, it's just pointless. Sorry if I jumped down your throat a wee bit, it's just I'm not a sat-on-the-sofa-sobbing person. I never stop. I smile and laugh and put on a brilliant act but when it's all boiled down its pointless.

However I was in the wrong both for posting and for being rude so I apologise unreservedly and wish you well

OP I really really feel for you. I am in a similar position. I am working in retail, desperately trying to find something else but no luck so far.

I have just started volunteering a couple of days a week in the field I used to work in, to keep it on my CV and also to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It is not a miracle cure by any means, I still feel like shit a lot of the time but I do feel like I am making some sort of difference and the appreciation and warmth I have received from the folk at the organisation has boosted my self esteem.

Could you do something like that maybe? Feel free to PM me for a sympathetic ear!

First of all, happy belated birthday, OP. I'm so sorry that everything looks bleak to you, and I completely get that 'nothing ever works' feeling. I've been there often, and I could have written lots of your post when I was in my mid-30s.

Someone upthread asked what your 46-year-old self would say to your 36-year-old self. Well, I'm a bit older than that (early 50s) and I know what I'd say to my 36-year-old self who I think felt some similar things to you.

Number one, stop worrying about being fat. Most of the rest of the world doesn't care what size you are, and being overweight emphatically doesn't make you a bad person. It took me decades years to begin work this one out, and there was a lot of wasted shame and embarrassment, and opportunities not taken, along the way.

Second, don't try to change the whole of your life. Just start to do one or two small things that give you some enjoyment, and enjoy them while they're happening rather than spoiling them for yourself by thinking about how shit it's going to be at work tomorrow, or how you're going to go back to an empty house. For me it was going for walks, quite short ones at first, and joining a community choir. For you it might be other things, you might have to try out a few. Eventually they led on to going on real, proper country walks and walking holidays, and joining an auditioned choir, but not until I'd built up quite a lot more confidence than I'd had at first.

Third, mid-30s is by no means too late to re-train for work that you'd find more rewarding. I did horrible, insecure badly-paid (pre-NMW) jobs through my 20s and early 30s, and I know how bad that can be not just for your standard of living but also for your sense of self-worth, especially if there's no partner in your life bolstering you up. It's damn hard from there to make yourself feel like you're worth investing in, but start looking at what's out there. Have a look at job ads for things you might want to do, and see what qualifications you would need as a starting point. If you're able to say on this thread what interests you work-wise, I bet you'd find some MNers in that field who could give you some pointers. With retirement age retreating into the late 60s and possibly later you've got a long working future ahead of you, and now's as good a time as any to start planning for it. In fact it's an ideal time.

I also completely get not believing that your GP or counselling will help. I don't know you and I don't know your situation so I wouldn't presume to give advice on what is after all a medical matter - just to say it might be worth giving it a go. If it doesn't help, you haven't lost anything. If it does help, that's an unexpected bonus.

I'm sorry if any of the above seems trite or dismissive. There's nothing like a bad birthday to make you (anyone) feel truly awful, I know that. But it really, really doesn't have to be the story of the rest of your life.

Apology accepted.... I really didn't mean to upset you. I am.sure we all on here just want to help

You need a doctor.

OP, I don't know if you read my post above or not, but if this isn't you under a name and small detail change, read this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2585933-To-be-sad-I-wasted-my-youth?msgid=59776978

and see the advice there to very similar feelings.

You did title the thread asking for help even if you now think you don't want it. I'd like to think something said across two threads might give you ideas to work with, as everyone's said, making just the smallest changes will create a new vibe in your life.

Good luck