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Original poster

It's my birthday and I need your help (please)

74 replies

everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 18:46

It was my birthday yesterday and it doesn't really matter in itself except for the fact every single birthday I promise myself things will be different on the next one and they never are.

I'm 36. Single, no children.

My jobs are a mess I have two of them and they're both awful and i never seem to earn enough to be comfortable and I hate the fact I rarely get a day off yet to be honest when I do get a day off I never have much to do as I don't have the money and I don't really have the social circle either. I have friends but understandably for women in mid thirties lives revolve around children and family stuff (not a criticism it's just how it is.)

I'm also overweight which affects my confidence with absolutely everything (no fat shaming please, I already know I'm disgusting and a drain on the nhs.)

I don't know if there's anywhere positive I can go, I feel there isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 21:10

Ah tiger thanks. Unfortunately people don't really 'get it' if it was as simple as signing up to a dating agency id do it, you know? :)

OP posts:
SonjasSister · 13/03/2016 21:13

Good advice here OP. You can make a change, but please set yourself manageable targets.

Perhaps you need a chance to talk though the mistake at work with a counsellor or similar? It seems to be looming over everything. You need to make peace with yourself I think.

DorothyGherkins · 13/03/2016 21:19

“Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.” said Roald Dahl. You have to believe! You maybe cant change the big things, but as sure as hell, you can change a lot of small things, which all add up. What sort of things make you happy? Make that list, achievable and sustainable, it can be done!

Alexa444 · 13/03/2016 21:25

Please don't feel so bad about yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Overweight doesn't mean disgusting, big people can be beautiful too and please don't assume that no one will ever find you attractive. I'm not particularly pretty and am also pretty chunky but one day we will meet men who we just click with and whether we look like cover models will be the last thing they care about. I hate being overweight too and have recently joined a fitness club thing called Bounce. Bit like Zumba I imagine but on little trampolines. I don't know if I will lose weight but it sure is fun and I can't really feel self conscious as we are all jiggling all over the place. Why don't you have a go? My local group is a really nice bunch.

Look for a new job. One you think you will enjoy. It doesn't matter if it isn't the career you trained for. Mine certainly isn't but it is easier to feel positive when you don't dread going in every day.

Happy Birthday and stop being so tough on yourself. Here have my first MN Flowers

Oysterbabe · 13/03/2016 21:27

Come on, you said you need our help. Let us see your list and I'm sure we can come up with something.

bingolittle · 13/03/2016 21:57

Some random points:

You're well qualified and that's a massive achievement in itself (regardless of how much practical help it seems to you right now - it shows you clearly have the ability and application to learn skills.)

You're hardworking and you hold down two jobs in a world where a lot of people struggle to manage one. You manage this even with your burden of unhappiness. I hugely admire you for this.

There will always be people who are thinner than you and people who are fatter than you. Overweight is the norm in this country and it certainly isn't anything to feel bad about. Personally, I find that exercise doesn't necessarily make me thinner, but it always makes me happier - even if it's just a bit of stretching. So I would definitely recommend it from a mood point of view.

It's very hard to find the time and energy to research and improve your job situation when so much time and energy is needed just to do your current jobs (I've been there!). I don't know what your career is or what your best way forward will be. But I do think it's worth spending an hour on your next day off making a list of small specific steps to take in that direction, and then working through them gradually on subsequent days off.

I don't know whether you're comparing your achievements with what you think other people have achieved, or whether you're measuring yourself against your own aspirations. Either way, I think you're in danger of underestimating your current genuine achievements and independence and strength.

You're very vague (on here at least) about what you want to achieve. I think it would probably help your mood to set yourself one very specific and achievable goal - even a very small one - and then take the steps to reach it. Could be anything - not necessarily related to your major aspirations.

Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 22:01

That's a lovely post, thank you.

Honestly, I've given up in the sense of 'what I want to achieve' as it just seems impossible, you know?

OP posts:
bingolittle · 13/03/2016 22:04

Posted before finishing!

Just want to say that I wish you all the best and I'm sure you will turn this around. Not all at once, because this is real life, but step by step.

BlueJug · 13/03/2016 22:04

Hi OP - just some solidarity to a fellow Piscean.

My life currently shit too and cannot see any way out. Also feel ill so birthday "nice things" that I might have done this weekend all cancelled as hardly got out of bed.

It will more than likely get better for you - 30s - 40s are good years - or can be 60's not so much!

Just so you know we are sending good wishes

LizzieMacQueen · 13/03/2016 22:12

I think a PP suggestion of social badminton is an excellent one for getting out, getting fit and meeting new faces. If you're looking for a relationship you might not find it there but perhaps one of the players will have a niece/nephew/whatever - what I mean is you'll have made connections.

Do you live in a city?

Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 22:16

Thank you for your lovely messages.

I am kind of beyond help, but don't think I'm not really, really grateful.

OP posts:
Trollicking · 13/03/2016 22:45

OP, it's hard to offer help if we haven't got all the facts and I've a feeling there is more to your situation than you are telling us. Of course, it's totally up to you what you wish to disclose. Smile Wink

Can you talk to any of your RL friends about this?

If you don't think it's the time to be setting yourself goals and to-do lists is it possible to just have a rethink about your current situation? Can you tweak anything in your life to make things a little better.

You are too young to be writing yourself off.

What things in life do you enjoy?

Do you have any addictions or mental health issues that you could get more help with?

GloGirl · 13/03/2016 22:47

You're beyond our help - you're not beyond your own.

You can help yourself. Believe in yourself.

Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 22:47

No, no nothing like that. I don't think there is any more to it to be honest with you - I'm just a bit useless!

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 13/03/2016 23:09

You are right, you won't achieve anything with such a defeatist attitude.

The job, change it or retrain in a different field.

Family, get out there and meet someone or go the sperm bank route.

Money, see above.

Your weight, Slimming World, Weight Watchers, Nutracheck or My fitness Pal
None of the things you mentioned are impossible to get.

Only you can change your life, there is no fairy godmother.

You can do anything you want, or you can write the same post this time next year.

RubyFlint · 13/03/2016 23:28

I know someone who felt like you at aged 45. She studied while working full time, changed her career, moved town and adopted a child. She's now in her fifties and the happiest I've ever seen her. She decided to take control of her own destiny, despite years of feeling unable to. You too can make changes, you are not useless. But you are defeatest! Small steps...

Fatmomma99 · 13/03/2016 23:38

I'm sorry you don't feel good about yourself (get that!) and happy birthday.

I know money is tight for you, but can I say... get a dog.

That might be ridiculous in your financial position, but it made so, so much difference to me and to my family. We got a rescue (so minimal money, but there is food and vet bills, etc).
BUT the dog needs walking every day (I lost a stone) and dogs are a magnet for meeting people.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck. x

Trollicking · 13/03/2016 23:51

If you can't get a dog how about offering to walk someone else's, maybe an elderly or infirm persons dog so you would be doing someone a favour too.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 13/03/2016 23:51

Congratulations on your birthday Flowers

I propose a year of gifts to yourself. You have too much negativity in your life, so this year, every week you do one thing to either improve yourself, or make you happy.

Ideas.
Get a new hairstyle
Walk a circuit in the park, or similar, fit this in regularly
Sign up for a future learn course on line
Instal a language app, it takes a few minutes of your time every day

Anything there start you off?

Original poster
everysinglebirthday · 13/03/2016 23:56

Memyself I've tried.

I'm too tired to keep trying.

I've lost weight and gained it. I've joined dating sites and been ignored/rejected. Job, well, screwed that up like everything else.

I know there's no fairy godmother. I hope that you felt good posting that. It was really clever and funny wasn't it? Did it make you feel smart?

I love dogs but live in a tiny flat. I can't say for sure how long I'll be here. I can't commit to an animal.

OP posts:
Trollicking · 14/03/2016 00:18

Might you need help for depression?

Trollicking · 14/03/2016 00:19

Do you do any charity work, exercise or have any other interests such as a book club?

memyselfandaye · 14/03/2016 07:37

everysinglebirthday

See thats exactly the attitude that will get you nowhere.

I wasn't trying to be "clever" "funny" or "smart", although I am, and comfortable in my own skin.

You are moaning that life is shit, well change it, a whole stream of there there and (((hugs))) posts is not going to help you.

You can do anything you want with your life or you can stay the same.

Im a 41yr old working single mum to a 5yr old by the way, I have a job, not a career, believe me my life isn't plain sailing, but its good because I make it that way.

If you think you can't do anything you never will.

wannabestressfree · 14/03/2016 07:53

I am with memyself I am afraid. No one can make this better but you and at the moment life is passing you by. You are stuck in a negative spiral. Make little changes....
And this is from a single mum of three, crohnic illness etc. It would be easy to moan and sit on the sofa but bollocks to that.
You Don't need a pat on the back and an attack of the 'Huns' you need a kick up the arse (metaphorically) :)

nam207 · 14/03/2016 08:05

Maybe you could think about doing some volunteering. Working to help others nearly always improves our own sense of self worth and if you are in contact with people less fortunate than yourself it reminds you to be grateful for what you do have. You might also learn some new skills that could eventually help you to move into different work.

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