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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

You should take people out to dinner when you're staying in their house, right?

100 replies

AnnieBesom · 12/03/2016 18:28

Some very old family friends (FF) have invited my family and my sister's family to stay with them in their holiday house in a very lovely part of the world. They are very wealthy and very fond of us and really very happy that we're coming to visit (this is all relevant). We're going to stay for a week (our choice - we could have stayed 2 nights but we're staying 7).

I was on the phone to my sister the other day talking about logistics and I said 'well obviously we'll take FF out to dinner one night' and she said 'oh no, I really don't think we should! I know you haven't been to the place where their holiday house is for years but it's terribly expensive! I think we should just offer to do all the cooking every night'

I said that, however expensive it was, it was because of them that we were able to go to this place and that if you stay with someone, you take them out to dinner. She said that it would cost about a thousand pounds to eat out (there are 7 of us, including FF) and we should eat in every single night. I pointed out that they were saving us huge amounts of money by inviting us to stay and she said that actually if they hadn't, they would have stayed in a really cheap apartment and it would have cost them only a couple of hundred quid. And besides, FF are very wealthy, money means nothing to them and they are happy to have us stay. We sort of compromised by her agreeing that we should buy them lunch most days.

Today, I was looking at some info that FF has sent us (they let friends use the house when they're not there) and there are a list of restaurants that they like on it, including 'their favourite'. Main courses there are about £15. So we could totally - particularly between two families - buy them dinner there.

So (at last I've got there!) AIBU to think that my sister is being really tight and we should buy them dinner at least once at their favourite restaurant? And that it's actually bloody rude not to?

TL;DR - AIBU to think that if someone puts you up for a week, you take them out to dinner to say thank you?

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnieBesom · 12/03/2016 21:01

Yes I agree Alas - it's bloody boring to stay in every night

Re 2'nights vs 7 - they just said we could come for however long we liked, even if was only 2 nights.

If they want to cook a miracle MN chicken, they I'm disowning them

OP posts:

TopHat33 · 12/03/2016 21:03

Re: pp talking about cooking - yes it would be weird to be cooking every night in someone's home! But the op is talking about staying in a holiday home owned by friends. So cooking a lush dinner, buying ingredients is a nice thing to do in those circs. Still think you sound lovely op and still think out for dinner is best option

Alasalas2 · 12/03/2016 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NattyTile · 12/03/2016 21:06

As a guest, I'd always offer takeaway/meal out.

As a host, I've generally made a meal plan and bought stuff based around who's around for which meals.

I'd be a bit affronted if someone insisted on cooking for me every night, although I'd welcome their company as I meal prepped, and happily hand over a chopping board if necessary.

And with children I'd probably not want to go out for a meal. I'd certainly not have fridge space if you turned up with your own supplies for a week or more.

But if you were staying for a week or more then I would be planning on having a takeaway one night, and if you did offer to pay, or split the costs, I wouldn't argue too hard against that. I also wouldn't he offended if you didn't offer to pay for it as it wod have been my suggestion to have it in the first place!

But - I love cooking, I love cooking for other people, and I love having people sitting around helping themselves to another serving and pouring another glass. I don't very much enjoy having to dress up to go out in the evenings.

Ymmv.

georgetteheyersbonnet · 12/03/2016 21:27

I would take some small but expensive and thoughtful thing, chocs and/or thoughtfully chosen books (if flying). I'd also take them out - but what about going out for lunch rather than dinner? That tends to less expensive as people drink less etc.

gingercat02 · 13/03/2016 09:02

If it's a ski resort people eat out a lot it's just what you do. We always take the hosts out for a meal or two and offer to pay for coffees etc.
I love cooking and would absolutely hate guests to cook but wouldn't mind once in a weeks stay (I am aware not everyone feels this way)
A main of £15 is about average for s decent restaurant around here (NE England) so the cost is not prohibitive. Take them out and have a lovely holiday

Orda1 · 13/03/2016 10:34

Presuming they'd like to eat out. I'd rather a takeaway personally but give them the option.

AgentProvocateur · 13/03/2016 10:39

I'm with you on this one, OP

FarelyKnuts · 13/03/2016 10:55

All these people offering to cook in other people's kitchens? Are there really so few people like me who would be the absolute opposite of delighted if my guests started trying to cook me dinner in MY kitchen? I am twitching at the thought!
Bring me out for dinner. Yes please.
Buy a takeaway. Absolutely.
Go near my kitchen... unless you are an actual chef... go sit down and leave me in peace!

thebestfurchinchilla · 13/03/2016 11:31

I don't think it's expected. It would be a nice gesture. Equally, cooking a meal for them with ingredients and wine that you have bought is a nice gesture. another alternative is to buy something for their home while you are there as a token of gratitude.

thebestfurchinchilla · 13/03/2016 11:37

We stayed with friends in a villa in Spain and they would not accept any money. In conversation they mentioned that they were replacing their pool furniture soon, so while out shopping I got my friend to show me which cushions and seat pads she liked and was going to choose and I sneakily bought them. She was very touched and accepted graciously and we felt better. We did also buy meals out but so did they. We also have them stay with us in UK.

Blu · 13/03/2016 11:43

You (and your part of the family) take your hosts out.

I would do that - in addition to sharing the cooking on the other nights.

Blu · 13/03/2016 11:45

Unless I really couldn't afford it I would be disappointed to go on hol for a week and not sample the local restaurants - its part of the holiday experience.

NotNowPike · 13/03/2016 12:03

I would always take them out for dinner
YANBU

DG2016 · 13/03/2016 12:53

Depends on what they like and what people can afford. I prefer to be in than out so someone thinking they are treating me by taking me out is wrong. I accept I am unusual. I get so many invitations out having nights in is wonderful.

Also the sister may not be able to afford it so I doubt the rich hosts will mind if they aren't taken out. Also you don't all have to be together alkl the time and eat together - could you not have a few split evenings where the hosts get time alone as you're staying 7 not 2 nights and the thing they will want most in the week is time when you aren't all around?

MrsTomFord · 13/03/2016 13:30

First of all, they want you there to enjoy your company!

We are lucky enough to have homes in various locations away from where we live mainly, and enjoy inviting people to stay with us. My friends come from a wide variety of income brackets and I don't expect them to contribute more than their good company (including mixing well with other guests and hopefully providing some amusement) and not leaving stuff everywhere (just because we have housekeepers at the properties, doesn't mean you can be messy).

I have never been offered food as gifts or for guests to cook and this would be awkward anyway as we have chefs in situ.

If you were with us for a week of skiing we would be out for lunch everyday anyway and would expect to eat out at least twice during a seven day stay, however I wouldn't expect you to pay. A small gift for the home (candle etc) and a thank you note (essential!) would be sufficient.

MintyBojingles · 13/03/2016 13:40

I don't think it's a rule, you should certainly take gifts and help out as much as possible, however I'm sure being taken out for a meal would be very appreciated.

TheAngelofNitshillRoad · 13/03/2016 21:47

A mannerless sow! What a truly horrible thing to call someone.

AnUtterIdiot · 13/03/2016 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/03/2016 23:26

Meal out, definitely. You offer and ask them to choose the restaurant, I bet they will tactfully opt for somewhere mid-range. A guest announcing they'd take over MY kitchen cook every night would make me ragey -- first of all, I like cooking (most people who host a lot do) and second it basically says "I'll stay in your house for free but I'm not eating your food".

OVienna · 14/03/2016 00:49

Buying groceries and cooking is fine unless they don't really like that sort of thing. It's not always ideal for someone to take over your kitchen if they don't know where things are or how it all works. If you think they won't mind this is perfectly acceptable but it might be easier to take them out one night and bring a nice gift. Be on hand to contribute to groceries in any case.

OVienna · 14/03/2016 00:49

Wow cross post

Rhumba · 14/03/2016 21:36

We have a holiday home to which friends of ours often visit. They take us all out for dinner and usually also supply a large case of wine and it is very valued although not required. I would certainly offer and think your sister is being incredibly tight!

BoboChic · 14/03/2016 21:41

Yes, it is absolutely right and proper to take your hosts out for a nice dinner when staying. If I was staying for a week I would expect to take my hosts out to dinner twice. I would also buy wine and desserts (pastries). I would most definitely not buy groceries and cook in their home - that would be incredibly rude.

greatscott81 · 14/03/2016 22:58

You should absolutely take them out for supper. When we host, our friends will always treat us to the Saturday night meal (obviously not requested, but always offered). Likewise, when we stay with friends, we always treat them. We take flowers, wine etc but it is expensive to host people and it is a simple, yet appreciated gesture. To have a week in a home which would otherwise have cost thousands of pounds, and to resent paying a £150 for a meal is quite stingy (to your sister, not you).

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