Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You should take people out to dinner when you're staying in their house, right?

100 replies

AnnieBesom · 12/03/2016 18:28

Some very old family friends (FF) have invited my family and my sister's family to stay with them in their holiday house in a very lovely part of the world. They are very wealthy and very fond of us and really very happy that we're coming to visit (this is all relevant). We're going to stay for a week (our choice - we could have stayed 2 nights but we're staying 7).

I was on the phone to my sister the other day talking about logistics and I said 'well obviously we'll take FF out to dinner one night' and she said 'oh no, I really don't think we should! I know you haven't been to the place where their holiday house is for years but it's terribly expensive! I think we should just offer to do all the cooking every night'

I said that, however expensive it was, it was because of them that we were able to go to this place and that if you stay with someone, you take them out to dinner. She said that it would cost about a thousand pounds to eat out (there are 7 of us, including FF) and we should eat in every single night. I pointed out that they were saving us huge amounts of money by inviting us to stay and she said that actually if they hadn't, they would have stayed in a really cheap apartment and it would have cost them only a couple of hundred quid. And besides, FF are very wealthy, money means nothing to them and they are happy to have us stay. We sort of compromised by her agreeing that we should buy them lunch most days.

Today, I was looking at some info that FF has sent us (they let friends use the house when they're not there) and there are a list of restaurants that they like on it, including 'their favourite'. Main courses there are about £15. So we could totally - particularly between two families - buy them dinner there.

So (at last I've got there!) AIBU to think that my sister is being really tight and we should buy them dinner at least once at their favourite restaurant? And that it's actually bloody rude not to?

TL;DR - AIBU to think that if someone puts you up for a week, you take them out to dinner to say thank you?

OP posts:
AliciaMayEmory · 12/03/2016 18:53

*likewise, not lokewise obviously...

BlackeyedSusan · 12/03/2016 18:53

depends. do something yes. not necessarily dinner in restaurant. good wine, cook dinner, get in the weeks shopping.. take the kids out for the day, babysit while they go out. or a combination of the above. you can do things that are really useful without costing you a lot. (eg babysitting) if things are tight financially. depends on what you can afford.

Dellarobia · 12/03/2016 18:54

I'm with you, OP

SueTrinder · 12/03/2016 18:55

I'd not always take people out when i stayed in their house, depends how long the stay is (the longer it is the more likely I am to take them out for dinner) and what our relationship is (we don't always take my Mum out when we visit her, in fact she often takes us out. I do cook some nights though). I think considering how long you are staying and that they are a FF you should take them out. But a restaurant with mains of £15 plus starters and puddinng and wine for 7 could cost £300 easily so £150 each between you snd your sister.

And for the PP who said where do restaurants cost £1000 for dinner, try going to a Michelin starred restaurant and see if you get much change out of £1000 for a meal for 4 once you start including wine. Obviously there is nowhere where there are just expensive restaurants but it's not an impossible amount for a once in alifetime experience meal out.

JustCallMeDory · 12/03/2016 18:59

Definitely with you OP. If you're staying one or two nights, then probably not, but if you're staying a week? It would be rude not to, I think.

I'm sure the OP will arrive with a couple of 'hotstess gifts' (hate that phrase) and that she'll offer to cook or put together some lunches too.

TheKitchenWitch · 12/03/2016 19:00

God no. I'd not expect or even want my guests to take me out to dinner, and I would absolutely hate for anyone else to cook.
But i do realise that everyone is different, so if I thought my hosts would appreciate either, then I'd go that.
But it's definitely not a given afaic.

Moving15 · 12/03/2016 19:01

I host friends and family every night and NO ONE has ever taken me out for so much as a coffee!! Clearly I am either a terrible host (they do keep coming back so I hope not,!) Or I am a sucker.

Actually now I think about it whenever I visit family and stay for more than one night I always pay for a dinner or make at least one dinner.

Clearly I am being exploited Angry

QuiteLikely5 · 12/03/2016 19:01

There's no rules but I certainly agree with you on this one!

However not to the tune of a 1k bill, 3-400£ sounds more like it for a good restaurant and decent wine.

Is this Singapore?

Moving15 · 12/03/2016 19:02

Oh dear that should say every month Grin

Jux · 12/03/2016 19:02

Yes, definitely I would take friends out for dinner if I was staying with them. And pay for a shop as well.

I have a cousin who lives on a Carribean island. They look rich as Croesus and are incredibly generous. Nevertheless, they don't have huge amounts of disposable income. I've never stayed with them, but plenty of relatives and friends have, and without fail at least taken them out for dinner once.

Your sister is being a cheapskate. If she can't run to dinner out, then she should look at holidaying where she can actually afford to pay for it.

TopHat33 · 12/03/2016 19:04

I'm not sure. Have you holidayed with them/stayed together before? Cooking is nice but I think you should take them out for dinner although only if within your means to do so. I'd rather that than being cooked for every night - but then when holidaying with friends the cooking together is part of the fun. As this isn't their home, I don't think it's about bringing a gift, but buying a case of wine and ingredients for a special meal one night would also be fine.

And where are you going where it would be (in your sister's view) £1000 for dinner??

3littlefrogs · 12/03/2016 19:04

I would offer to cook, bring flowers and wine, and take them out for a nice meal one evening.

So yes, I agree with you OP.

TopHat33 · 12/03/2016 19:05

And YANBU - it's not about making assumptions about their wealth - whether they are rich or not (they will still have their own budgets!) it's about politeness and appreciation for a lovely holiday.

GrumpyOldBag · 12/03/2016 19:05

I would offer to take them out to dinner, but it's not expected.

I would definitely NOT try and take over the cooking or shopping in someone else's house however.

Maybe pop out to buy the fresh bread for breakfast in the mornings, etc, if it's that kind of place.

And the cost of the area and local restaurants is irrelevant.

JaceLancs · 12/03/2016 19:06

I go and stay regularly with an old friend and her partner, they always take me out for a meal!
I usually buy coffee out or lunches, and if we have a day out somewhere pay for entrances
It costs me a lot to get to where they live, and I also act as chauffeur whilst there as they don't drive
So think it works out quite fair
If I am there for longer, I offer to cook one night or pay a share of a takeaway

Original poster
AnnieBesom · 12/03/2016 19:06

They haven't got kids (well, they have but they're grown up).

Thanks for interesting range of perspectives - very helpful. Now I'm thinking that if Dsis/BIL are completely averse to taking them out (incidentally, it's not that they can't afford it), we could take stuff to make them exciting and exotic food they can't get there - herbs/spices etc

Incidentally, my sister can absolutely afford to take them out to dinner (even if it cost £1000). She and her DH just don't believe in spending money on food - they're very much eat to live people. I don't think she will take wine or flowers or chocolate (and neither will I - it's a bit coals to Newcastle for one and for two, we're flying)

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 12/03/2016 19:09

Lovely lunch or dinner. With no griping about cost from guests. The host picks the restaurant so you have time to choose and know the cost. Even Michelin star aren't a thousand pounds and if yiu choose lunchtime then people aren't so keen to neck the wine which puts the cost up.

Talk to the restaurant - the chef might do you a nice set meal with wine for sensible price.
If your dsis continues to disagree say fine but I'm going to. Why don't you use the time to make a delicious dinner for when we get back?

And still take flowers and chocs, help out. Though if they are wealthy won't there be a housekeeper doing all the cooking?

Wagglebees · 12/03/2016 19:10

I don't think it's a thing or a rule so on those grounds yabu.

I'd take some luxury food bits, couple of bottles of wine and flowers. I'd cook at least a couple of evening meals whilst there. Then a couple of weeks after staying I'd send a thank you card and more flowers.

If everyone goes out for the day together then I'd pay for any meal we all had, but I don't think you absolutely must pay for an evening meal out.

Was the list of restaurants for you and your family so you knew what was available in the area or are you seeing it as a hint from your hosts to take them out?

ceeveebee · 12/03/2016 19:11

You're not really staying with them at their home, you're all staying at their holiday home. And as they've sent a list of restaurants I would guess they probably plan on eating out at least some of the nights? So just offer to pay when that happens.

Original poster
AnnieBesom · 12/03/2016 19:11

God I really didn't read that before posting - sorry for rambling!

Bread is delivered every morning

No, not Singapore or Caribbean - it's a v expensive ski resort

OP posts:
artlessflirt · 12/03/2016 19:12

It depends on the hosts, I think. My in laws wouldn't really appreciate a fancy meal out, but my mum and dad would very much (although convincing them not to pay themselves would be a battle!)

It is a polite and lovely thing to do to say thank you for putting them up. But I can also see the flip side that if you don't like spending money on eating out (for whatever reason, quality/price) then it might be more comfortable to offer to cook. Perhaps you can do both and she can opt out if she doesn't want to go. That way you both get to show appreciation for your hosts in your own way.

Wagglebees · 12/03/2016 19:12

Actually on the meal cooking front it would depend entirely on how close you were with the hosts and it'd be an offer rather than insisting.

lavenderhoney · 12/03/2016 19:14

You must give them something - on arrival/ departure - doesn't matter if they are as rich as fuck or as poor as church mice. and tip staff. If they have any.

I can assure you if you don't they will find out and not be impressed. It's good manners.

AStreetcarNamedBob · 12/03/2016 19:15

Yes I would always take hosts out to dinner or get a takeaway if they really wouldn't accept. I'm sure they will tho.

Pinkheart5915 · 12/03/2016 19:15

When me and my husband have friends & family to stay, they do take us out for a meal and sometimes they cook for us. Either way is always fine with us.

As your staying for a week how about you cook once and maybe take them out to dinner once ( if your budget allows)

Swipe left for the next trending thread