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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ruin someone else's career to save mine? Wwyd?

71 replies

Nonky · 10/03/2016 15:29

hello this is more of a WWYD than an aibu but I just wondered what others would do in this situation. I currently work on my own for a charity. The people I work for are very kind but very disorganised but is stuck with it due to enjoying the job and believing in the work we do. Unfortunately the hours I do (vv early starts) and the fact that my asd daughter needs an immense amount of support with her anxiety means that I feel I need to change jobs to do one that is more manageable with more 'normal' hours. The problem is that I only have to give a months notice however it would take a whole term to train someone up to replace me. I am currently working alone due to my colleague taking extended time off - he is not able to return to take over training. Effectively, by resigning and getting a new job, I am potentially leaving the charity to fold as they have no contingency plan. I also could be potentially putting my colleague out of a job. I feel I have no choice but to stay - but this puts even more pressure on my family who are already struggling to the max with pressures at the moment. In my head I know family comes first - but I can't help but feel terrible for the mess I will leave behind. What would you do?!

OP posts:
ItsJustPaint · 10/03/2016 15:31

Support my daughter by doing what is in her best interest.

Without a doubt

Theladyloriana · 10/03/2016 15:32

Family comes first.

nancy75 · 10/03/2016 15:32

Is there no chance to change your hours at this job? Given the option of losing you or changing your hours wouldn't they prefer to keep you?

ItsJustPaint · 10/03/2016 15:33

Actually... Could you talk to your manager and work out some more realistic hours ? If that's the only problem and they can see you are a valuable employee who is at tipping point maybe they will do the sensible thing

Pinkheart5915 · 10/03/2016 15:33

Take the job, support your daughter

Family first always

HelloCanYouHearMe · 10/03/2016 15:36

Family first - always

If this charity were looking to make cuts, they wouldnt give it a second thought to make you redundant. You dont owe them anything

Arfarfanarf · 10/03/2016 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nonky · 10/03/2016 15:49

Thanks for your comments. Unfortunately due to the nature of the job there is no way I can change hours. I always have to begin at 8am with often a 1.5 hour commute and this can never change - it is part of the job. My daughter cannot cope with me leaving so early every day and at the moment we are trying with everything we have to make sure we actually get her into school - something I can't do at the moment. My partner has taken a lot of time off work but can't take any more - he is the main breadwinner. If I take time off, the service we offer cannot be done by anyone else as there is no one there. I will be causing a huge disruption and potential collapse of the charity. But I just can't do it any more with my daughter the way she is.

OP posts:
ThomasRichard · 10/03/2016 15:50

Your family comes first and you do as good a job as you can in handing over to whoever is there.

DesertOrDessert · 10/03/2016 15:50

Have you got a job offer?
Your colleague may be back before you actually leave? Or you could suggest advertising for someone to cover his work if you know he's off for an extended period. Then you can start training now, and they can carry on once you leave.
Or, talk to them, and explain the difficulties the early starts are causing (are they truly unavoidable, or just the way things have fallen?)
Your daughters needs win over tho.

shovetheholly · 10/03/2016 15:51

Training doesn't have to be person-to-person. Write a manual on how to do your job and put everything in it. I did this when I left my last job - it ended up being tens and tens of pages long, but it meant the new person had something they could refer to.

Seeyounearertime · 10/03/2016 15:51

A job is a job, your daughter is your daughter.

In 5 years time do you want to look back on you doing your best for her or what was best for your job?

I know which i would pick.

shovetheholly · 10/03/2016 15:52

Also, is there any chance you can get someone in to help out in the mornings? My friend has a lady who comes to her house first thing and does the school run. I appreciate this might be tough with the anxiety disorder, though.

DrDreReturns · 10/03/2016 15:53

Take the job. As pp said you could easily be made redundant if they cut their costs, your family comes first.

HidingUnderARock · 10/03/2016 15:53

You have to do what is best for your family, otherwise you will regret your decision, possibly resent your employer (especially if they later have a similar decision to make). You may also end up with an emergency that means you have to leave in less good circumstances.

Assuming you don't already have a job lined up, let them know that you are looking for a new job and they should consider finding your replacement in time for you to train them.

Best case they ask what it would take for you to stay.
Worst case they make you feel bad for leaving and you realise you don't owe them any more than your legal contract.

nilbyname · 10/03/2016 15:53

Talk to your boss there may well be solutions that you just haven't thought of. However if there is not alternative, hand in your notice.

Your dd and by the sounds of it everyone's in the family's well being come first, (as long as £££ isn't a factor?)

Original poster
Nonky · 10/03/2016 15:54

Arfaranarf - you are right of course. It is the fact that whatever I do the outcome isn't great and it's a very difficult situation to be in. But you are right. I just wanted to hear that looking for another job that fits in with our family situation was ok and that I am not just being totally selfish here.

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 10/03/2016 15:55

Talk to your employer. Tell them what you have said here.

Offer to train someone over a month's notice and continue training shorter hours/later starts till they are on their feet. Offer other back up.

It is not your problem that the organisation you work for hasn't provided for this situation.

Why would it take a whole term to train someone? Surely they might bring skills and relevant experience. Will they be able to recruit?

Arfarfanarf · 10/03/2016 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagicalHamSandwich · 10/03/2016 15:56

That's their problem. One of my critical ressources had an accident last year and was unavailable immediately and for several months. Stuff like this can always happen. Setting organizations up so that they can cope with losing an employee is the responsibility of any manager - especially with a month's notice.

You have every right to think of your own career!

DeccaMitfordsEntryVisa · 10/03/2016 15:58

I work for a very small charity and have a daughter with additional needs.

I totally get your concern for the charity and your colleague but if the hours cannot change and you need to change jobs for your daughter's sake and family's sake then you need to hand in your notice. Hopefully the charity can then see that they'll need to change their set up to keep in business.

Good luck OP

specialsubject · 10/03/2016 15:59

joining the chorus - this is a direct result of poor management and not your fault. Do what you can to help - but if the managers haven't made a backup plan, that is 100% their problem. What would they have done if you also went off sick?

the fault is not yours and the effect on your colleague is also not due to you.

NewLife4Me · 10/03/2016 16:00

I'd have left already, your family come first.

Original poster
Nonky · 10/03/2016 16:00

It's hard to go into too much detail without identifying myself. There really is no choice in changing the start hour. Training is tricky - it took me a whole term and I did it in a reduced period as it was. we have a lovely childminder for the mornings at the moment who my daughter loves but we have now got to the point that I sometimes can't get her through the school gates - I cannot expect someone else to manage this. Changing jobs and not having to leave home at what is often 6:30am would mean I can rely on parental help with getting her to school more. I guess I feel like a failure - I feel like I do a really worthwhile job, the people who employ me are lovely - but I just can't continue doing it with the way things are. I guess I have answered my own question really.

OP posts:
OracleofDelphi · 10/03/2016 16:03

Cant you talk to them? I run my own business and I really would rather someone came forwards and explained how they felt their current situation was untenable so we could try to work things out. By telling them you will either get them to review your working hours meaning you keep your current job, or you alert them to the fact you are considering leaving giving them time to sort things out.

But ulitimately if you have to choose right this minute then obviously you have to choose your life and your family. But since you seem quite positive in the way you have talked about your job, I really would talk to them first ASAP.