Ruin someone else's career to save mine? Wwyd?

[Nonky]

hello this is more of a WWYD than an aibu but I just wondered what others would do in this situation. I currently work on my own for a charity. The people I work for are very kind but very disorganised but is stuck with it due to enjoying the job and believing in the work we do. Unfortunately the hours I do (vv early starts) and the fact that my asd daughter needs an immense amount of support with her anxiety means that I feel I need to change jobs to do one that is more manageable with more 'normal' hours. The problem is that I only have to give a months notice however it would take a whole term to train someone up to replace me. I am currently working alone due to my colleague taking extended time off - he is not able to return to take over training. Effectively, by resigning and getting a new job, I am potentially leaving the charity to fold as they have no contingency plan. I also could be potentially putting my colleague out of a job. I feel I have no choice but to stay - but this puts even more pressure on my family who are already struggling to the max with pressures at the moment. In my head I know family comes first - but I can't help but feel terrible for the mess I will leave behind. What would you do?!

Channel Malcolm Tucker and shout NOMFUP (not my fucking problem) at yourself in the mirror.

If you had an accident or were sick, they would have to cope. They should have made contingency plans already. They are being both shortsighted and unfair to rely on the goodwill of one person and the luck that that person remains available.

That said.. In your situation I would feel exactly as torn as you and probably stay through guilt and a weird sense of responsibility towards people/an organisation that should be taking responsibility for itself - but I think I'd be doing the wrong thing.

In the past I have been exceptionally loyal to employers only to be treated badly later on and wonder why I bothered/cared because they didn't reciprocate when it came to it. Your employer/colleagues might be lovely but would they sacrifice their families' needs for you if it came to it? Would you expect them to?

Do what you need to do, tell them asap and try to be as accommodating as possible but you don't owe them any more than they should have put in place for themselves. Then try not to feel guilty! You have a difficult decision either way and I wish you well.

If you only have to give a month's notice but it will take them longer to train someone up, would it be possible for you to give them a term's notice instead? Surely that's better than staying permanently, but doesnt't leave them in the lurch so much as giving only a month.

I think the sooner you can get your notice in the better.

I know how it is with small charities - run I guess by a voluntary board. Nonetheless they are not fulfilling their obligations as trustees if an employee giving notice can effectively shut down operations. I would say essentially what they are doing is unsustainable anyway if that is the case.

You would not be in the slightest bit unreasonable or selfish to ensure you put your own personal responsibilities first.

It sounds like you do need to resign, however, you could try and help them a bit. e.g. why don't you offer to work 1.5 month notice? or offer to write training notes or something..

As an employer, I would suggest that you explain your situation and that you will have to look for another job and while you don't know how long that will take, could they look at taking on a temp as soon as possible to start training with you with a view to that person taking over from you. I would very much appreciate someone giving me this kind of heads up so i would have the option of hiring ahead to plan for it. Some people fear that they will be forced to resign before they have a job but that is illegal. Plus, if you explain the situation, your employer may have an idea to be able to cope with your issues without you leaving that you haven't though of, or may be able to redeploy you within the company which means you can still be around to train your replacement.

Ultimately, if you got sick, they'd have no choice but to cope without you and as good as I'm sure you are at your job, no-one is indispensable. As someone else suggested, immediately start writing a manual for what your replacement needs to know.

ANd regardless of all of the above - your daughter is more important

Why dont ypu give longer notice and train someone in before you go.

Why are you asking us instead of your employers? If you explain your predicament to them, maybe they will get their acts together.

Definitely I'd go for daughter over job. It is not your responsibility that they have such a poor working structure, dependent soley on one person. it is not your responsibility that your colleague is off long term and hasn't been replaced. your responsibility is to your daughter, your partner and yourself, your own well being.

Look for another job without any guilt. Don't take blame for things that are not your responsibility while being unable to meet the demands of your genuine responsibilities to family. Focus on what you can control and change for the better, and change it.

Sorry if that sounded a bit brisk. You have my sympathy. I have an ASD DS and have become very hardnosed at putting family before everything and everyone else. Life's just easier and better that way.

I would look for another job - firstly as others have said you have to look after your family and this is just a job.

I totally understand your dilemma, however if this charity is in such a fragile state that your resignation will fold it - it probably isn't sustainable long term.

I would also say - and this is no comment on you, often businesses/charities are able to survive the departure of "crucial" individuals.

Make the decision - this will be a relief for you, look for another job, when you find it explain your situation, talk to your current employer - giving them the 1 month's formal notice, but trying to work out a situation that works for everyone.

good luck

You are not a martyr. You cannot sacrifice the wellbeing of your family for a nice but disorganised charity. Explain the problem, give your notice and offer flexibility about how you work the remainder of your time for them.

Family first.

And if it helps, think of it this way: no one is irreplaceable at work. No one. I know people like to think they are, but they're not. They will figure it out.

I agree with everything Han and MrsDeVere said.

Unfortunately some charities can be a bit 'head in the sand' about issues like this (and I don't just mean small ones) and there comes a point where basically you have to do what is right for YOU.
It's hard because chances are you end up working for a charity because the cause and service users mean a lot to you. But you can't be responsible for a board of Trustees who are too incompetent to have contingency in place (which is required of them).

I think the best approach is to go to them and tell them what is on the horizon, but ultimately - do what is right for you and your family.

Um, it's not your fault the company are so disorganised they haven't got contingency planning or got you on a tighter contract! Also, without being a bitch, you're probably not that indispensable. At the time it feels like you are, but work places move on, new people get hired and up to speed and all is well in the long run.

Your employers are not that 'lovely'. They are either incompetent - incapable of putting a contingency plan in place and running at an unsustainable level - or they are TBH exploitative in thinking that they can work you into the ground and ignore your difficulties because they are a charity.
As PP said, talk to your manager, tell them you are going to have to leave, offer a couple of months' notice instead of just four weeks, but remember that they do not own you and they will just have to manage without you in future.

I'm not underestimating your role but the charity should be able to find a work around to you leaving. If it would make you feel better then present them with a few possible different solutions to help them through that process eg

1. spend your last month creating a detailed handover pack for the next person to fill your role
2. identify someone in a similar charity who could act as a mentor to the person who comes into your role (one of the benefits of working in the charity sector is that cross-organisation mentoring isn't unknown because it's usual to have only one person in each role)

Another for family coming first.

Just a thought, we're you there at the beginning of the charity? If not, what did they do before you. Years ago, I worked with a woman who was convinced everything would collapse when she left. Six months before she retired, 'I'll give it six week's' became her mantra. She genuinely thought the company would go bust without her. It didn't. She was missed but she wasn't indispensable. 15 years later the company is still going strong as far as I know.

You mention a colleague, so there is another person there who knows the ropes and routines. You seem to take an awful lot on your shoulders saying It will fold without me, colleague will loose their job. Ask yourself truly, are you really that indispensable? The others will have to step up when you step back. Like posters have said, you can be on the end of a phone, you can write a brief manual. A weekly/fault to do list. You can help the transition.

Your daughter needs you, I suspect the job will carry on without you even if they do have a few wobbles.

Good luck.

"Effectively, by resigning and getting a new job, I am potentially leaving the charity to fold as they have no contingency plan"
Then the charity is at fault. They should have started thinking about such things when your colleague confirmed they would be off long-term. They have left you to do the work of two - that is not lovely. And you will be no more responsible for them folding that your off-work colleague and considerably less responsible than those in charge. Seriously - the people in charge are seriously at fault here.

You work for people who need to get their act together. Give them the heads up by all means, that you will not be continuing in your job indefinitely and they need to get your replacement lined up. Hand in your resignation as soon as you have a new job. Leave them to it.

Definitely talk to them - if you leaving means they'll fold and put someone else or if work too then considering other options is worthwhile. Maybe they have to even change the nature of the work somewhat to accommodate a later start, at least temporarily, if the other alternative is no work at all. Or get in someone else who you can train asap to at least start earlier than you and you do later hours for a term or whatever to continue training them? (is your hours overlap)

Agree with WhereYouLeftIt

You are not responsible if the charity folds, it is. They should be more organised and not operate under such precarious conditions. Your family needs have changed so you had no choice but to move to a job than can accommodate them.

But yes, FGS, tell them immediately to give them a chance to find someone else, train them up etc.

I also have an ASD daughter with high anxiety, so I know those mornings of which you speak

You'll be surprised by how well they'll manage after you go. These types of places always carry on despite basically being run on your back at the moment. Family first OP.

Look I'm sorry, this is very sad, but its exactly why some things cannot be left to charities to manage. They have to be dealt with by Govt, the NHS or whatever.

You have to leave. Tell the charity what the score is but your daughter comes first.