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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be able to forget this argument

13 replies

itwasmuchbetter · 09/03/2016 14:45

I am a SAHM to 2 dc age 5 and 7. I stopped working a year ago as dh and I both agreed that it was having a massive impact on home life and dc were not happy. I basically do everything at home very happily, and when dh gets home dc are happy, everything done, lovely home cooked food etc. I encourage him to do his hobbies after work and weekends. I have a hobby I love that I do for a couple of hours 3 times a week while he is at work/ dc at school so he is free to do his after work/weekends. I thought he was very happy with situation until a few weeks ago. He had had too much to drink (not common occurence) and just starting going on about how I basically took the mickey by doing my hobby while he works so hard etc, etc. Later on he was so apologetic saying he loves the way things are, doesn't want things to change and so on. I just am so confused and am finding it hard to forget this.

OP posts:

LurkingHusband · 09/03/2016 14:47

In vino veritas ?

blobbityblob · 09/03/2016 14:55

I think sometimes people say things when they're drunk that they don't really mean. In that it might slightly irritate him that you're having more fun than he is perhaps, but that overall he prefers things as they are. The demon drink has sort of exacerbated it in his mind and led to outburst.

It is sometimes stressful being the only breadwinner I think and can sometimes lead to a bit of panic. If he's told you sober all is fine when he's properly evaluated the situation, I think it probably is.

But drink leads people off on some mad tangents sometimes. I really wouldn't take this as his actual viewpoint.

pippistrelle · 09/03/2016 14:56

I can see that being the sole earner brings a certain amount (possibly quite a large amount) of pressure, and that might lead to resentment that earning/providing isn't a shared responsibility in your household. This doesn't mean that he's furious with the current arrangements, but he may be a bit envious that you have so much free time to enjoy your hobby. It could be a sub-conscious thing though, and it leaked out as the booze seeped in. Maybe you could talk about a cut-off point when you look at getting back to work - part-time perhaps?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/03/2016 14:57

It doesn't sound like he was on board with the initial decision, although he went along with it.

Hmm, that would be the only moan from him that I would accept. I'd have a 'meeting' about it with him, and you both need to talk frankly. Either he is on board and supports you in this decision and doesn't turn on you for it when he's haf a drink, or if he's not happy then you need to rethink whether you work again.

Original poster

itwasmuchbetter · 09/03/2016 14:58

This is what worries me and is why I am confused. He says he is happy with how things are and apparently wants nothing to change and that I need to forget this but is he really resentful

OP posts:

Original poster

itwasmuchbetter · 09/03/2016 15:04

Sorry x posted after in vino veritas comment.
He was on board with me giving up job as it was having a big impact on us for not much money. I think you are right about the meeting as I need to let this go and move on one way or another.

OP posts:

Katenka · 09/03/2016 18:25

Both me and dh work from home. Overall I love it. But certain boys grate.

Maybe overall he likes it but is a bit jealous (occasionally) or finds the stress of been the sole earner a bit much (occasionally)

Sober he he knows it's best this way, but that doesn't stop him being a bit fed up sometimes

CalicoBlue · 09/03/2016 18:31

I agree with other PP. It sounds more like a bit of a moan that you have more free time than he does.

I work f/t, though I changed jobs last summer and had a month of 'gardening leave'. Dh absolutely loved me being at home. The house was clean and tidy, the kids and I were happy and relaxed when he got home, supper ready etc. He said that he wished I did not have to work as home life was lovely when I was at home. Not financially viable for us unfortunately.

My point is that on balance he does like you being at home and does benefit from this. Just a bit of moaning after a drink does not contradict that. Ask him if it still bothers you though.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2016 18:37

Hmm. To be honest, I can see why he does feel resentful, even if what you are doing is in the best interest of your family. You, I would imagine, are having the far nicer time of it at the moment.
I am in exactly the same situation, same age kids, except I have set up my own business which I do for about 12 hours per week. I still havd plenty if time during school hours for my hobbies. This evens up the balance I think.

cathcustardtart · 09/03/2016 19:45

DH gets snippy with me when he's tired. I only work part time and do my hobby in the daytime. When I challenge him he admits he's jealous.
I mostly ignore it and remind him that it's the cricket season soon

SirRodneyEffing · 09/03/2016 21:04

Glad it's sorted. How much will the car park cost at Manchester airport? Probably not very much cheaper than the £120 that the taxi will cost.

liz70 · 09/03/2016 21:09

I think you've lost your way Sir Rod.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 09/03/2016 21:10

SirRodney she's not LTB

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