Adult Children At Home - Other Parents' Experiences Please

[GreyterGood]

Having survived all of my children's childhood without Mumsnet, I have just signed up because I can't cope with their adulthood...

3 sons, ages 21, 23, 24. Living At Home with Mum (that's me; plus my partner of five years; middle son currently away for a year overseas) in London. The oldest could afford to live elsewhere. The youngest is saving for uni in September, working minimum wage, and therefore stuck.

Blow up this morning - I'd been in bed yesterday with a flu-type bug, feverish etc. No extra help. 'But I made you a cup of tea', sayeth one. I'd asked them to make sure dishes done and dishwasher emptied/re-filled by end of day, before I went off to bed. This morning: nothing. 'We Forgot'. By mutual agreement? Both? I got them out of bed and they duly did what had been asked. But at a lot of energy expense from me, and bad feeling engendered. Complaints about injustice from youngest and hectoring sarcasm from oldest son.

Now I wonder whether people could help me get perspective about my older son's claims.
Which are:

• that all of his friends, ages 21-26ish, are still living at home
• & that they talk to their own parents much more rudely and unkindly than my sons do to me
• & that none of these friends have to do any housework or make any contribution to the welfare of the house, ever
• & that everyone else can do as they please, that there are no house rules (I introduced, over time, some rules in specific response to the way certain things affected my work from home and home life in general).
• oh, & that I've 'lost the plot' as shown by 'unrealistic' expectations.

Is my son right in some or all of this? Do the majority of other older parents have their 20-somethings (& beyond) living at home? Happily or unhappily? Is the situation due to lack of other options for the young person? Do other still-at-home 20-somethings truly Do Nothing by way of contribution? Is having to fight for getting the dishes and other help done normal? Is poor behaviour in response to requests for picking up their own (let alone other) rubbish the order of the day? Do other people feel treated as if an annoying intruder in their own home?

Having a better idea of what other people in a similar situation experience would be great. I guess a survey could be useful too. So if anyone knows of a sociological treatment of this sore topic, a link would be appreciated. Meantime, individual experience is direct, and it would be so helpful to hear how it is for you!

Thank you.

My son lived at home until he was 27, and for the last three of those years his girlfriend (now wife) lived here too. They were both a pleasure to have around - always offered to cook for us when they were cooking, never had to be asked to do chores. I would be very unhappy with your sons' attitude - it's entitled and disrespectful.

Complaints about injustice from youngest and hectoring sarcasm from oldest son.

This would bother me more than the laziness and entitledness. I don't let anyone be rude to me - it is one of the nicest things about being an independent adult that you have so much control over what shit you put up with.

I have 3 teens and they are not the best about housework but they would never be rude or unkind to me and if I pointed out that they had left me to do work they would be mortified.

Honestly I would tell both of them that you don't want to live with people who speak rudely and unkindly to you. That this on top of the fact that they are freeloading lazy entitled unkind men is too much for you so check out time will be in 2 weeks.

Then walk off. You may reconsider if they apologise, have a complete re-think, and show you their behaviour has changed but you don't have to tell them that. Just say bye boys, I've decided I don't want to live like this, you'll always be welcome for Christmas and Sunday lunch.

And of course it doesn't matter what anyone else does. And of course it isn't your fault how they behave. They are in their early 20s - bit late to be blaming Mummy because you treat people like shit.

Ds (23) and his gf live between mine and her parents whilst saving for a deposit. He pays rent, does all his own cooking, cleaning kitchen after, washing, ironing and buys his own food. They're more like lodgers really. No arseyness or rudeness is tolerated and they help with housework once a week.

I am mid 20s and still living at home, can't afford to move out. Even working full time I can't afford the rent on even the piddliest flat in my area and I would not expect to live here with no contribution. I cook at least twice a week, do the washing up on days I don't cook, share the housework and pay what rent I can afford. If I spoke to my mum like dirt... well I wouldn't. I value my continued existence.

I think we cohabit pretty happily, although we do have our differences. We have very different views on decor and I tend to be more of a slob while she likes clear surfaces and everything tidy. I don't do dirty, mind, just messy.

Thank you for the [stomping] 8 year old - which made me giggle - and other comments. Exactly what I thought this morning. Having a bit more than 'I don't believe you' to hold up when it comes to show-down time will be useful though.

Previously, one hold-back on just sending him packing due to poor attitude had always been that the young man will simply move to his dad's place: continuation of problem plus misogynist propaganda (if you think I'm being a doormat, you should see the Second Mrs Not-Her-Real-Name. I'm a valkyrie of vimmin's rights by comparison).

But now it's a case of, if he can't have life lessons because his dad won't support the need for that, I can't help it. I'll report back...

Nephews are the same - sil has never expected them to do any chores or take any responsibility around the house - which she now bitterly regrets.

I recently became temporarily incapable of looking after myself, dh had to travel abroad with work and boy was I glad that my 11 and 13 year old were able and very willing to see after me...

But I can well believe other 20 year olds have no rules but that's not my approach, we have rules and chores and no one in our family thinks it's ok to speak to anyone with a tone of disrespect - we all try very hard not to and while they continue to live with us that is how it will be.

On and off (at university).

One is a lazy sod, the other a sweetheart who makes me tea and coffee, walks the dog, helps out if I ask in the house and garden.

Down to the individual's personality, I suspect.

You're not alone.. Dd 18 and ds 15 do nothing at home. Dd will help ear the table after dinner and that's about as good as it gets. Dh and I entirely to blame, lazy parenting. Having said that, I also did nothing in my early 20's when I lived at home- perfectly tidy now.

I would not make my kids pay rent though. I can see the reasoning behind it but my home is their home for as long as they need.

I think temperament comes into it. My DD1 currently lives at home, but she and I pass like ships in the night. She works an 8 hour day, contributes half of the bills (it's only her and me living here), helps out with the animals. When we're here together she helps with anything I ask of her and is generally quiet and 'in the background'. But she's always been quiet and eager to be no trouble.

She moves out in September and I'm going to miss her.

I didn't live at home as an adult but, as a teenager, I did about half an hour's worth of chores every day during term time and more like an hour a day during the school holidays.

Get a cleaner and make them pay half each.

Tbh I haven't lived at home since I was 19 and not have any of my friends. I'm early 30s so not that much older than your eldest and at his age I was married, living it up in suburbia and had a baby!

To be totally honest I wouldn't concern yourself with what anyone else's parents 'allow'. You lay out the rules - he follows them or he moves out. He's 26 fgs not 12. The whiny 'by everyone else is allowed' rhetoric is usually the favoured choice of preteens.

Tell him to grow up. Charge him / them for a cleaner.

Oh I wouldn't care - send him to his dads!

My dd1 is 21 this summer and I she is on a time frame to move out. She does however have plans to move out after the summer when she gets back from travelling.

She likes the 'my friends talk really badly to their parents" line - also

" my friends parents drive them every where"

"My friends parents pay for everything"

"My friends parents don't moan at them all the time"

It's all BS.

It's called failure to fly the nest and I'm honestly ready to push her out. It's partly my fault because I've made it too good here. Now I'm with drawing washing clothes, cooking ect...

I moved out when I was 16 and it made me very independant.

My DP lived at home before moving in with me, he was 26.

He's always been perfectly respectful of his mother - but my god he had no clue how to put a washload on or how to cook anything that didn't go in a microwave! Just so many simply things he was just too lazy to have learned and seemed to expect me to do! He always had this little sweet boy smile whilst he would shrug saying 'sorry' he would do better.

Took some very harsh responses from me before he finally got the idea that he had to do everything for himself and should thank me if I did anything household wise for him. He's great now and everything's goes very smoothly between us, though his mum thinks I'm some tyrant for making him clean up after himself

well its tricky for me as I did try bringing our boys up to be helpful and to some extent they are, DS2 (19) is living away now at Uni, Ds1 (23) is living at home, he gets his washing done when i do ours, if he is home when we are eating he gets a meal, if not there is usually food in the fridge to make a meal for himself, I or DH keep the house clean so yes he has a very easy life. he does however know this and frequently thanks us for it. He keeps his own room clean ish and will do chores when asked, he lived out for a few months and would love to be financially able to live out now, he finishes uni in a few months and intends to move, he knows it will be hard as he will be financially independent too (job permitting - fingers crossed) however I do often feel they both take it all for granted but console myself with the fact that I know they do appreciate it all even if they are often too lazy to contribute as much as I would like them too, and that for me is the crux of the matter, I really would prefer that they both could see when things need doing and take me into consideration but the reality is that if asked they will do but they won't actually see an issue with stuff not being done. today for example, DS1 left a glass and a bowl by the sink, in my view that is totally lazy and bloody selfish as all the other washing up had been done, who did he think would do it as he swanned off to uni! ... in his world he had breakfast, was running short of time for his bus, left it as its simply not an issue to him as he would happily do i when he got home, (as he would if he lived in his own home) regardless of the fact i would be hacked off seeing it after work. I have found that if it's important to me then I do it, if not I leave it and they do it in their time, no problem. saying that I will enjoy when it's just me and DH and the only mess to acknowledge and / or deal with is ours. the different priority / values thing is tricky at the moment

re: your latest post about thinking making them help as they grew up would encourage natural wish to help as adults.
My and 2 younger siblings all lived at home for a while in our 20s. I would help as much as possible without being asked. Middle sister did FA, unless constantly nagged and even then did terrible job so wouldn't be asked again. Youngest sister would help but had to be specifically asked - wouldn't take the initiative. I realise this sounds like me painting myself in an amazing light but this was what my DM said when a friend asked her, and tbh I would agree.
However we were all brought up exactly the same so I don't think its necessarily anything you've done!

Obviously it created a lot of resentment, and me and DSIS still aren't particularly close. When I bought my own place she asked if she could rent a room for a bit and I said no way!

To answer your first question, according to ONS 49% of 20- to 24-year-olds lived with their parents in 2013, so it is common. Doesn't mean you have to put up with being treated badly though!

I must admit, my sister and I didn't do a massive amount around the house as teenagers (though we knew how to) - but then we both went to uni and aside from staying with them in the holidays I haven't lived with my parents since I was 18.

But, if I had lived them after uni, there's no way I'd have got away with behaving like your sons OP. I wouldn't have wanted to anyway! They're taking the piss.

No that's not what I'd call normal behaviour for lads they're age.

I was 18 when I moved out and before and after I moved out I'd help my parents out by doing stuff around the house and gardens,I paid towards the bills whilst I was living at home and I did food shopping whilst I lived there and when I moved out I'd still pick bits and pieces up for my Mum and Dad.

We have 5DC,our oldest is 19(nearly 20)and he will be moving out before he's 21.He doesn't really do anything to help around the house,but he would never swear at me and he does pay some keep.But it's getting to that stage where he needs to move out for our sake and his own.

Similar to MadameDeathstare's DH, when I lived with my parent I handed over 'digs money' of £40/month from my £160 paypacket and did housework. My dad handed his unbroken paypacket to my grandmother and got given back fag/beer/bus money!

There have always been adult children still 'at home'. The only thing that's new is adult children believing they don't have to be adult. It used to be a badge of honour, handing over digs money!

DH and I (27) are moving in with my parents in Sept/Oct and like a pp, we're already setting ground rules! There is no way I'd be happy to let them pick up after me. Tea on tap I am somewhat expecting a that's just my parents ;) but we'll be trying to keep separate as much as we can tbh and not take the piss.

Your adult children need to grow up, follow the rules you set and if they don't want too then they need to move out.

DS nearly 23 works full time and lives at home DD 24 with long term boyfriend live between my house and his parents whilst saving house deposit - both pay rent amounts agreed between us quite amicably
They do their own ironing - I tend to put washing on but I just ask them for theirs to make loads up
I enjoy cooking and don't mind washing up so do bulk of that, however they do more cleaning tasks than I do
DS does bathrooms, dusting, recycling, rubbish duties etc
DD vacuums and cleans kitchen plus other jobs
We all keep our own bedroom tidy, change sheets etc

3 of my adult children live with us, they all help out around the house, cleaning, cooking, even DIY when asked. In effect we are housemates these days, everyone has their own jobs to do, and we all do them willingly, mostly

They aren't rude to me, cheeky, yes, but never rude. If they started taking me, and the house, for granted, then we would have to discuss things. I love having them here, but I would also love for them to have their own homes, if only everything round here wasn't so expensive.

I have adult girls who both went to university after sixth form so they learnt to appreciate home more then. Both came home intermittently for a year before moving out for good. I had my elder daughter home between finishing university and moving away for work aged 22-23. My younger daughter moved in with her boyfriend after uni until aged 23 then broke up with him and moved back home to save for flat deposit so moved out by 25.

While at home they did their own cooking unless they happened to be around when I was starting the evening meal and I offered. Sometimes they cooked for us. They did their share of clearing kitchen and emptying dishwasher and often did laundry or shopping. They did their own ironing and kept their rooms clean, changed bedding etc. Sometimes they would Hoover or clean bathroom but I usually had to ask. They did it without complaint though and both paid housekeeping to me but they were both working full time at reasonable wage.

I think your sons are being lazy and taking advantage. I would issue an ultimatum to the older one if he can afford to move out he should unless he helps out more. He can go into a house share. I would stop them using you as a punchbag and say unless they help out and contribute more they will have to get their own places to live. Who cares what their friends are doing although in general it does seem as if boys are more reluctant to leave home unless they have a girlfriend in tow.

Also my daughters never swore at me. They would have been shown the door immediately if they had.