AIBU not to feed DS's friend anything else?

[Narnia72]

I've been looking after DS's friend quite a bit recently as a favour to his mum, as she's been having temporary childcare issues. I don't mind at all.

However, I really struggle to feed him. I am very lucky (I know) that my children are fairly easy to feed and eat most things. My friend's little boy is very fussy. He doesn't have any health issues or SEN, just fussy. She acknowledges this.

I really try and accommodate him, so today I made sure I had the "right" bread and fillings in; all things I knew he liked. I made what I thought was the perfect sandwich for him. He refused to eat it. Said it was the wrong type of butter...

He ate some breadsticks and houmous, so has had some food. However, both boys are now asking for treats, saying they're hungry. I have said that they can both have some fruit. He is really unhappy about this, saying his mum would give him chocolate. Now, if I'm on my own with my kids, if they have eaten all their lunch, sometimes they would get a biscuit mid afternoon. They wouldn't get anything, not even fruit, if they had left the majority of their lunch - they'd have to wait until tea.

I'm torn. I want this little boy to be happy here. But I don't want to break my house rules. AIBU not to give him anything else?

I disagree with the majority on this. 6yo DD has never been able to eat sandwiches with margarine in and will gag if she tries to eat one. Otherwise, she is a great eater. Also, whilst she is a bit better now, at four, her behaviour would deteriorate rapidly if she was hungry. However, in this situation she would demolish your fruit bowl so just being offered fruit wouldn't be a problem (and is all she'd expect).

I would not like a guest in my house go hungry, whatever the age, and would try to find something they like

Yes,..because we all have the money to buy in lots of options and the time to prepare different stuff for everyone?!
Not wanting whats on offer is a choice. If they were 'hungry' they would eat whats on offer, They are not hungry - they are fussy.

Peas, your DD doesn't sound like this boy though. The OP says he's generally fussy, not that he has a problem with one specific food. Apart from the butter thing your DD sounds not at all fussy!

As others have said - ask for packed lunch. I would also tell the mum about the 'wrong type of butter' and chocolate demands and make it clear you are not going to undermine your house rules so that he can have some chocolate or other snacks whenever he wants. He can have it when he goes home.

My daughter is three and the rule in the house is she has to eat what I make her if she asks for it, for example if she asks for PB sandwich, she has to eat it. If I make something for her and she tries it and doesn't like it, I will make her something else of her choosing which she has to eat. If she refuses to eat her food then she isn't allowed anything until the next meal. She often says "Mom, I just want to go starving" and then she doesn't eat until next meal quite happily.

I say that you sit down with him and tell him the rules of your house and then tell him he needs to follow your rules in your house. Make sure you make the rules clear to him and then he will at least know what your expectations are.

I feel for you. Two memories from when my kids were younger:

The totally cute little girl who's become proverbial in our house. Pasta lunch, plenty visitors tucking in. She 'wasn't hungry'. Oh but, dear girl, won't you have a little something? The sweetest little cutsey voice: 'I am a little bit hungry for something sweet...'. I re-offered pasta and left her to it. Learnt later that her mother did allow sweets in place of food. She came back many times, and sometimes she had a little something - but not sweet.

Another: friend of my son's. He came to our house fairly regularly over two years, until the family moved away. He never touched a single bite - not even cake. I realised early on that this was an 'emotional thing' - i.e. he was refusing the food because he was not at home, where I saw him polish off big portions. Whether there were deeper reasons for this refusal in his life, I never could tell. I did mention to his mum early on that he hadn't eaten when she picked him up. She wasn't worried, he was chubby, and I accepted that this was ok.

I think in both situations there were underlying reasons for the not-eating. So even a packed lunch - though practical, plus Made-By-Mum might help - would not necessarily be the solution as the boy might yet find reasons such as it's too hot/too cold etc. The underlying reasons are the parents' job, not the host's. But typically it's not possible to address an issue like this with another parent, so most often it's best to just leave well alone.

Do: stick to your house rules.

Don't: call him Golidlocks... ('the wrong butter' - I'll remember that one)

My DSD was very fussy at 4 years old. To the point where she would eat a "favorite" meal at one relative's house and then refuse it at another's, even if it was made with the same exact ingredients. And we heard a lot of, "Relative X would give me a sweetie," when DH and I refused to give her a sweetie. In DSD's case, it was a control thing - a way for her to regain it at a time when her life, and adults-in-charge was changing a lot.

Things got a lot better was all people who looked after her (especially her grandparents) got fed up with buying and/or preparing her food that we knew she liked, only for it to go untouched. Was a combination of "you don't have to eat it..." along with "...but there is nothing else". If she didn't want her dinner, fine, but she wasn't to expect chocolate later.

^Typos galore! Hopefully that's all legible...

Hes old enough to ask you for the fruit if he gets hungry.

And Margerine IS the wrong butter! It's really yuck if you are used to butter.

I would let him eat whatever he wants, but let his mum know each day what he eats. but that undermines OPs choices of healthy eating for her child as you can't give one without the other. i would stick with what you are doing, let his parents know its not going too well so they can feed him anything they choose when he gets home but while he is with you he eats whats on offer... or not. FWIW I had this several times with friends of Ds's when they were little, they are still friends and have not starved 10 years later

I have a very low tolerance level for fussy eaters (apart from SN, allergies, etc).

I would suggest that the other mother makes him a packed lunch, you make your own DS a packed lunch, then organise some sort of indoor picnic or den to eat it in. That way you are clearly making an effort, but don't have to worry about his fussiness. His mother shouldn't expect you to, anyway.

The child who once climbed on the table and stamped on the sandwiches because she didn't like them was never invited again. I phoned her mother and asked that she be collected within 10 minutes. The mother was mortified, and the child was made to apologise to me at school the next day.