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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to feed DS's friend anything else?

87 replies

Narnia72 · 08/03/2016 13:28

I've been looking after DS's friend quite a bit recently as a favour to his mum, as she's been having temporary childcare issues. I don't mind at all.

However, I really struggle to feed him. I am very lucky (I know) that my children are fairly easy to feed and eat most things. My friend's little boy is very fussy. He doesn't have any health issues or SEN, just fussy. She acknowledges this.

I really try and accommodate him, so today I made sure I had the "right" bread and fillings in; all things I knew he liked. I made what I thought was the perfect sandwich for him. He refused to eat it. Said it was the wrong type of butter...

He ate some breadsticks and houmous, so has had some food. However, both boys are now asking for treats, saying they're hungry. I have said that they can both have some fruit. He is really unhappy about this, saying his mum would give him chocolate. Now, if I'm on my own with my kids, if they have eaten all their lunch, sometimes they would get a biscuit mid afternoon. They wouldn't get anything, not even fruit, if they had left the majority of their lunch - they'd have to wait until tea.

I'm torn. I want this little boy to be happy here. But I don't want to break my house rules. AIBU not to give him anything else?

OP posts:

notagiraffe · 09/03/2016 10:58

One thing worth trying is putting a few things out on the table and letting them help themselves. If as some posters say it is a power/attention seeking thing then they can't do anything because all the power of choice is theirs.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/03/2016 11:24

I think the packed lunch is a terrible idea if it brings food into the house that you don't allow your kids to eat. That's just a recipe for disaster if he's sitting there with stretchy cheesey shite.

He won't starve. This is what is for dinner, end of. Assuming you are not feeding them wildly exotic foods.

A friend of mine's kids recently developed an aversion to fruit out of the blue when they started school / school lunches. She reckoned it was down to watching other children "not liking it".

Low and behold she found a use for some old Easter eggs and a fondue set and chopped fruit and broke them in one easy swoop.

Gottagetmoving · 09/03/2016 11:33

When I had my childrens friends round when they were little I made them all lunch. They either ate it or they didn't.
I have never understood all this faffing about when it comes to feeding a child.
Mostly they ate it because there was no alternative.
If not pandering to them makes them unhappy,..so be it.

Ballnumnums · 09/03/2016 11:55

Yes to packed lunch! Best way forwards. No issues then as DS friend will know his own mum gave this food and it is ok. Your child will understand the packed lunch is for DS friend. I meet my friend on a Monday for the day and we both have toddlers (grandchildren) and we both bring packed lunch to the park or to Costa. Us olduns have Costa lunch, tiddlers have packed lunch prepared by their own mums.

I do share my Costa hot chocolate with my grandchild as she loves to be spoon fed the cream and chocolate (well who wouldn't!) But this is a treat for eating all or most of her lunch.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/03/2016 11:59

No don't let him have a packed lunch. It'll only contain things your ds isn't allowed.

What you're doing is right. Offer healthy snack, nothing else. My dd is 4 and fussy but she eats well at nursery where she knows there's no choice.

NeedACleverNN · 09/03/2016 12:05

BigQueen I know what you mean! I nanny and cannot stand it when parents say "Oh DC I don't think you'll like it but you can try" after DC has been super excited to try this new food.

If my dd wants to eat something even if I'm not sure she will like it, i still order it if that's what she wants.

She wanted spagetthi bolognese the other day at a cafe despite never having it at home.

I hummed and hahhed but decided that yes if that's what she wanted, do it! She ate it.

My mum does it a lot with her ds. She asked if I would do him a sandwich so I did and then added some grapes and apple with it.

He picked up a grape to which my mum said "grapes! You don't like grapes ds!"
He immediately put it back

Malefriendproblem · 09/03/2016 12:16

Another here who does the "eat it or starve" line. When DD was younger and had friends over I would give them two choices and if they didn't eat it then no harm done, they would not starve for missing one meal.

As PP I would not ask for packed lunch as it may give your DC ideas.

Potterwolfie · 09/03/2016 12:25

We only ever buy brown/granary/wheat bread and I've lost count of the number of times DC's friends of all ages have said they don't like it, before eve tasting it. It drives me mad.

I once had DC's friend actually cry because I'd used butter rather than his usual margarine. I honestly don't have the time or patience for such fussiness.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 09/03/2016 12:27

I take the hard line if we have friends over. Mind you I do give them a choice beforehand. One little friend however likes to faff over and then waste whatever you put in front of her. She'll moan that she doesn't like it or it's cold. I would heat it up though. Then I tell her tough luck and she can go without.

Try working in a school supervising lunchtimes. You get one little madam/monster demanding that they be allowed to eat their pudding because they don't like their lunch and you can feel several pairs of eyes boring into you waiting to see what your reaction will be.

I tell them to eat a bit more of their first course usually. Otherwise they'll be hungry surely? I don't stand over them and make them eat the lot if they really don't like it but they need some food in them.

OnlyLovers · 09/03/2016 12:35

How tedious. Wrong kind of butter, FFS.

Fruit or go hungry.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2016 12:38

I think you just keep doing what you're doing. If he gets hungry enough, he'll eat - if he doesn't, then he'll keep being picky. He won't starve.

Just make sure he drinks enough and for heaven's sake don't give an inch on the "treats".

And just tell his mother what he's eaten, and what he's been offered, and explain that you're not going to disrupt your own DC's routines just to accommodate her DS's foibles.

Pinkheart5915 · 09/03/2016 12:40

I would of gave him fruit or nothing as a treat and only because my son had asked for a treat.
No lunch, no treat good house rule!

I don't mind people being fussy if they have a medical reason or allergy but just fussy I have no time for.

Didn't like the butter you used? His 4 what does he know about butter? I will never understand why some parents let there children be soooo fussy. I guess I still have this to come with my ds so I'm sure I'll understand soon enough

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/03/2016 12:41

Does his mum not give you money for his food, or perhaps she could provide the food. That's what I'd do.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/03/2016 12:45

How do children know the difference between margerine and butter. I'm 40. I wouldn't have a clue. .

ProfYaffle · 09/03/2016 12:47

Dd1 could always tell the difference between marg and butter. Even as a toddler from a single bite of a sandwich she'd know.

MsGee · 09/03/2016 12:48

This sounds like my DD aged 4. Her BF mum used to try to replicate the same sandwich I would make at home, but DD always said it was different. She ate very little at other people's houses.

Lots of family and friends said she was just fussy and they would not put up with such nonsense (not DD BF mum though, she was just bemused by the secrets of my sandwich making).

DD diagnosed with ASD last year, aged 7.

Some kids are annoyingly fussy. Some have undiagnosed SEN.

MsGee · 09/03/2016 12:50

Oh and my DD can tell the difference between different brands of foods. She can spot the difference in taste between different brands of foods which look exactly the same and taste the same to me. To her they are totally different.

AngryPrincess · 09/03/2016 12:55

I feel like if I've offered children food then I've done my job, (my children and other people's). You can't make them eat it, they have to decide for themselves.

BabyGanoush · 09/03/2016 12:58

you're all so hardline

I would not like a guest in my house go hungry, whatever the age, and would try to find something they like.

4 yr olds are still so small don't let him go hungry

FigMango1 · 09/03/2016 13:00

The op offered a few options. What's the face for ganoush. The child is fussy, he can eat fruit but doesn't want to either.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/03/2016 13:01

If my DD's friends were coming for tea or a sleep over. I used to ask the mums about allergies, dietary requirements general likes and dislikes. And just cater for them. It saved a lot of hassle. I wouldn't have liked the thought of someone standing over my DD saying. Eat that or do without. I always treated other people's children. The way I'd want mine treated.

abbsismyhero · 09/03/2016 13:01

i wouldn't let him go hungry i also wouldn't let him take the piss and eat shit all day its a fine line

Chippednailvarnish · 09/03/2016 13:02

she gives them things I don't allow mine to have

There's your answer. He wants to eat the stuff he has at home. He won't go hungry, he'll eat when he realises that you won't give in.

MsGee · 09/03/2016 13:02

To be fair, I wouldn't expect people to offer more than one option to DD. I can only speak for her but her food issues mean that she will choose to go hungry rather than eat, and as this is fairly often she can cope with that.

madein1995 · 09/03/2016 13:15

In this situation I'd say 'that may be how it is in your house but it's not in mine' and then offer some fruit .If this is a regular thing then get him to bring lunch with him

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