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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to feed DS's friend anything else?

87 replies

Narnia72 · 08/03/2016 13:28

I've been looking after DS's friend quite a bit recently as a favour to his mum, as she's been having temporary childcare issues. I don't mind at all.

However, I really struggle to feed him. I am very lucky (I know) that my children are fairly easy to feed and eat most things. My friend's little boy is very fussy. He doesn't have any health issues or SEN, just fussy. She acknowledges this.

I really try and accommodate him, so today I made sure I had the "right" bread and fillings in; all things I knew he liked. I made what I thought was the perfect sandwich for him. He refused to eat it. Said it was the wrong type of butter...

He ate some breadsticks and houmous, so has had some food. However, both boys are now asking for treats, saying they're hungry. I have said that they can both have some fruit. He is really unhappy about this, saying his mum would give him chocolate. Now, if I'm on my own with my kids, if they have eaten all their lunch, sometimes they would get a biscuit mid afternoon. They wouldn't get anything, not even fruit, if they had left the majority of their lunch - they'd have to wait until tea.

I'm torn. I want this little boy to be happy here. But I don't want to break my house rules. AIBU not to give him anything else?

OP posts:

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 08/03/2016 14:09

Ah sorry, failed to press send because I was distracted so cross posted - my post is probably invalidated by your latest update :o

wiltingfast · 08/03/2016 14:10

I'd just be breezy and stick to my guns. Maybe offer him another go at lunch? Would he eat the ingredients separately? My ds was a bit like that.

And try not to worry about it, he'll just eat more when he goes home.

SaucyJack · 08/03/2016 14:11

Will his mum care if he goes hungry through choice?

You could give her the chance to send a packed lunch if she's bothered, but quite honestly it might do him some good to learn to eat what's in front of him or go without.

Wrong butter, my arse.

I'm not desperately sympathetic to fussy eaters tho- as I'm sure you've guessed.

dietcokeandwine · 08/03/2016 14:11

Sounds like you're doing all the right things op. The difficulty is you and your friend clearly have totally different approaches to feeding your DC. If your arrangement is not going to come to a natural end quite quickly, I would be tempted to ask her to find someone else as back up child care as the fussy eating is causing too many problems for you.

ProfGrammaticus · 08/03/2016 14:15

I had a fussy one. If we were out, or he went out for tea, I would suggest fruit or dry bread alongside the meal everyone else was having. That way he didn't starve but he didn't get to take the piss either. Could you try that approach?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 08/03/2016 14:17

You've done your bit, just let him go without - he is not going to starve. His Mum obviously gives him whatever he demands.

AlexPKeaton · 08/03/2016 14:18

My first inclination was YANBU, and you're not. But step back a minute and think about the effect of whatever you do. You have said this is an occasional temporary arrangement, and if I were you I would do whatever was necessary to make it easy and smooth for YOU. It's not your job to teach this child how to eat and you're not going to anyway. It sounds like he's not there often enough for your kids yo really learn bad habits and honestly, my kids learned fast that different kids have different rules. I often give my kids a "treat" if they have a friend over that I wouldn normally give them, just because it is fun and it keeps everyone happy. We have play dates more than once every week or two so it's not a big issue. But anyway, now you've got a whiny kid that you're trying to distract, and your own kid isn't sharing, and the whole thing sounds miserable. I say tell them both they can have chocolate if they share. That way you teach your child what is important to you and you get through the day more easily with the other kid. I know it's tempting to take a stand when kids are being bratty but with stuff like this I've found it's much easier just to take the path of least resistance. Obviously there are things I don't tolerate from any child, but for my own sanity this would not be one of them.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/03/2016 14:24

Of course YANBU. He won't starve to death if he doesn't get a biscuit. Refuse to pander to him.

Whatdoidohelp · 08/03/2016 14:27

Yanbu. The mum should have provided the food he will eat.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2016 15:13

I'd leave the option of a packed lunch up to the mum. If she's not concerned about her son refusing your perfectly acceptable offerings, then I wouldn't either. If she's concerned, she can pack him a lunch. If she packs him sweeties and crisps, that's her business.

As far as dietary choices (hers vs yours) and your children complaining about what he gets to eat, well, one of the most important lessons we learn as children is 'life's not fair'. No child is going to be damaged simply because he/she has to watch a child eat a sweet roll for breakfast whilst they're having cereal.

irlouise13 · 08/03/2016 15:26

I would suggest that when she asks you to take him, say yes no problem, lunch tomorrow is X. She can decide then if she wants to send something else but maybe set some rules (please don't send chocolate because mine aren't allowed have it kind of thing) if needs be. Just tell her today that he didn't eat anything, you offered lunch and fruit but he refused. If he was really hungry and doesn't have any additional needs, he'd eat the fruit. Of course, if you suspect that he might have additional needs that aren't diagnosed yet, the answer might be different....

ReasonablyIntelligent · 08/03/2016 15:33

YANBU - your house, your rules plus you've tried to accommodate him and know that he hasn't got any extra difficulties that could be influencing this.
He's being fussy and being incredibly rude by demanding biscuits and answering back (telling you his Mum gives him chocolate).
How old is he OP?
It sounds like he's got plenty of food options and if he's old enough to try and negotiate re: chocolate and biscuits then he's old enough to understand that there's food if he's hungry. He won't starve.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/03/2016 15:51

hes fussy - if hungry he will eat fruit/sandwich etc

say to his mum to provide food he will eat

no biscuits / treats if not eaten lunch

Yohoodlum · 08/03/2016 15:55

You should let his mum know and then she at least has the choice to pack him a lunch.

If he has had bread and hummus then I don't think you have to give him any treats.

Everythinggettingbigger · 08/03/2016 16:04

as the mother of an extremely fussy eater I would say please stick to your guns.

My DS is 5 and yes he has everyone to ransom over what he will eat, and barely any of it is very healthy (Waffles, sausages etc). I have worked full time since he was 2 and he has just got fussier and fussier. He will only eat certain things in certain peoples houses. Both my DP and I come from big families and DS is minded by different people different days of the week, and picked up from school by different people. Examples of how fussy he is...he will only eat beans when he is with my DMum, and they have to be the snap pot ones, if she pours them out into a bowl he wont eat them. He will only eat sausages (a particular kind) when he is with my DMIL, wouldn't dream of touching beans, even though he loves them in my mums, he will only eat waffles when he is with my Dsis. Honestly hes a nightmare and as extremely grateful as I am that I have all these wonderful family members that I can rely on, I really wish one of them would have put their foot down with him and said this is what I am giving you end of. yes he will go hungry and not eat if its not what he wants now, and a few times when I have picked him up he has been starving but I don't blame anyone, that's his fault for being so fussy, its not like he wasn't offered food, and stuff that he does eat too!

yes he is a pain to feed at home and the HV is involved before I get flamed. he does eat some vegetables and enjoys a few different fruits so they aren't that interested as he is also the correct weight before I get flamed!

BigQueenBee · 08/03/2016 16:06

YANBU, I have the same problem with a 10 year old I look after.
Like you I have tried everything to accommodate her.
I think it is a power thing.

Yulia989 · 08/03/2016 16:09

I would let him eat whatever he wants, but let his mum know each day what he eats.

If she doesn't care about him eating unhealthily then why should you? If she does care then she'll send a packed lunch.

DotForShort · 08/03/2016 16:17

YANBU. As PPs have said, offer him fruit or the sandwich he previously refused. Not in a punitive way, obviously, but just as the only options you are prepared to give. It doesn't really matter that he's used to having certain treats at home. He's a guest in your house, and 4-year-olds can easily understand that different houses have different rules. I certainly wouldn't be handing out chocolate.

TendonQueen · 08/03/2016 16:22

As a pp said, the line about his mum giving him chocolate may be, let's say, an exaggeration anyway. Stick it out.

paxillin · 08/03/2016 16:40

Kitchen closes after lunch until dinner in this house. Fruit bowl is free for all of course. This goes for the kids' friends as well.

SoThatHappened · 08/03/2016 16:43

Some kids are fussy no matter what you try, my ds is one of them, give him what he likes and he'll eat every scrap but if it's something he doesn't like he won't touch it and will go without. He's getting better at trying new things but I won't force him. My dd will eat anything, they were weaned exactly the same, nothing different at all but ones fussy, one isn't. No idea where it comes from.

Is this fussy eating though? Or just a preference, albeit a strong one. As you say if you give him something he likes, he WILL eat it. It sounds like he genuinely knows what he likes.

With the child in the OP, she made him things he DOES like and he still refused. That is fussy. Likes it one minute and not the next.

I was labelled a fussy eater as a child as there was a whole lot of stuff I didnt like.

I just didnt like most of what mum gave me as she was very boring with food and made a very limited number of meals. Everything was plain. Plain meat, plain salad no dressings, no sauces, no condiments, nothing. I never had pasta, rice, or anything with sauce on it growing up. I had my first bowl of pasta and sauce in my late teens.

Interestingly the things I refused to eat as a child and consistently refused to eat: apples, turkey, green beans, brocolli, etc....I still wont eat now. I just dont like them and never did. I got the usual apples are lovely, you;re just being naughty....and forced to eat it or I couldnt leave the table....I wont eat apples even now.

The vegetables and fruit I did eat as a child, pears, berries, carrots, celery, I will still eat now as I like it.

Canshopwillshop · 08/03/2016 16:44

Definitely get his mum to provide a packed lunch. I couldn't be doing with that!

BigQueenBee · 08/03/2016 21:00

I think it is normal to have food preferences / aversions .
The problem often lies with the parents who sometimes tell their children what they will and won't like.
I see this a lot a buffet restaurants and salad bars.
Child say's she will like the prawns; parents says; " No, sweetie, you wont like that".
It drives me nuts!
I think it is really important for parents and guardians to promote the pleasures of eating tasty food.
The kids I see wolf down a big home cooked dinner are seldom overweight; they are not fed a constant stream of snacks because they are hungry due to picking at their meals.

myusernamewastaken · 08/03/2016 21:13

I have never pandered to fussy eaters.....i would let him go hungry....he is hardly going to starve to death x

Seryph · 08/03/2016 21:31

Hmm, I'm totally with you on the no biscuit front but as someone who didn't find out they were lactose intolerant until their late teens I do understand the "wrong butter" concept. I can't do marge either, makes me feel sick, for some reason I am okay with lurpak and that's about it. Once I was about 7 I could just say no butter please (dry sandwiches are awesome! [grins])

BigQueen I know what you mean! I nanny and cannot stand it when parents say "Oh DC I don't think you'll like it but you can try" after DC has been super excited to try this new food.

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