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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a friendship over a puppy?

103 replies

MidniteScribbler · 08/03/2016 12:13

A friend has been considering purchasing a new dog for the last couple of months after the death of her old dog. She wanted a small breed - a poodle or bichon was what she asked for. Didn't want a puppy, anything over 2 years to 5 years was her request. She asked me to try and help her and find a suitable dog as she wanted an older dog, but also wanted to get a dog from a reputable breeder. I did a lot of legwork for her amongst registered breeders and used my contacts to find a pedigree Bichon who was well trained, 2 years old and has a whole lot of health testing already completed.

I then get a message from her that she has purchased a poodle X shih tzu puppy, 6 weeks of age, from 'someone who has never had puppies before, but she loves her dogs, so she must be a good breeder'.

I'm furious. Absolutely ropeable. I've not only wasted my time and used my contacts on her request, but she has gone and bought a dog that is under the appropriate age for placing from someone who knows nothing about breeding,

I'm so angry, and not interested in continuing the friendship. I don't want to listen to the inevitable questions about dog training, and the agreement she has with the 'breeder' to let this dog have puppies when she is twelve months old. I just can't seem to make myself have a civilised conversation with her anymore.

AIBU to just let this friendship end? All she wants to talk about is her new puppy, and I just can't stand hearing about it.

OP posts:
Mumteedum · 08/03/2016 13:24

I have a dog. I have two good friends, separately, who are dog people. By that I mean work either as behaviourists, breeders, show their dogs or in sports. They are both absolutely passionate about dogs and do an awful lot to help others with their dogs.

To posters who don't know people like this, maybe OP sounds intense but her friend should know her. What her friend has done is really disrespectful.

It's like asking a friend who has a bespoke jewellery business or something to source a special item for you using their time and contacts, but then buying a knock off one from a bloke down the pub. Only this is worse as it's a living breathing animal.

Op no, I wouldn't be involved with her any more in your position. I know if I did this to my doggy friends, it would be the biggest insult to them and they don't suffer fools, either of them. To me, it just shows your friend doesn't respect you.

tealoveryum · 08/03/2016 13:25

I wouldn't have a problem with her buying a desexed dog from a rescue or shelter. I do have a big problem with her buying from a backyard breeder and allowing the bitch to go back to the 'breeder' to have puppies when she is only twelve months old.

So the wasted time is pretty redundant then if you wouldn't be upset if she'd not got a pup from a breeder. It's just extra salt in the wound because, presumably, you've voiced your opinion on breeders before and she's not listened/agreed if she's gone ahead anyway?

Friends don't have to share our personal moral code but it can cause fractures when it's a hot topic. Everyone has boundaries. It's up to you to define if this is a deal breaker or not. If it is then tell her this and then decide where to go.

kilmuir · 08/03/2016 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FATEdestiny · 08/03/2016 13:30

we had discussed what she wanted in a dog...

You should have had a much more indepth discussion on the ethics.

In fact I am flabbergasted that if she was initially ask you about an older, desexed dog that you didn't suggest a rescue centre? Seems a much more sensible/ethical source for such a dog, compared to your reputable breeder.

Booboostwo · 08/03/2016 13:35

She wasted your time and then made a very foolish decision. I think you need to take a step back from the friendship, let her sort out her very unsuitable puppy without bothering you and see how you feel in a few months.

Treeroot · 08/03/2016 13:35

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I'd struggle to be friends with someone who would put their desire to own a cute little puppy over issues of animal welfare. Have you spoken to her about how irresponsible she has been?

MeadowHay · 08/03/2016 13:36

I would probably drift away because I would be really upset and annoyed about my friend taking on a 6 week old cross pup from a backyard breeder, especially after asking me to put in a lot of work to find a more suitable, more ethical adult dog. Having said that, I'm not involved with dogs like you are, and I would always recommend to friends to rescue from a shelter instead of getting a dog from a breeder.

Gabilan · 08/03/2016 13:38

The waste of time I'd file under "meh". Buying a puppy from a breeder, and agreeing to breed from it, would annoy me. My cats came from CPL. My horse was going to be retired to a field (with plenty of useful years left) or shot because he was not considered reliable*. There are plenty of animals out there needing homes and there's no need to encourage disreputable breeders. It's bigger than "oh it's just a dog". It's encouraging an entire mindset and culture in which living, sentient, and sensitive animals are treated as commodities.

  • Current yard nickname Captain Sensible. Like a lot of animals, he just needed time and effort.
DrAmandaBentley · 08/03/2016 13:43

You sound very controlling. I can understand being angry, but there seems to be more to it than just the dog. Are you like this with other people? I would bet yes.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 08/03/2016 13:44

years ago I bought a pup off someone I knew, as I was worried he would end up on Gumtree/didn't have a clue/ weally WEEEEally wuvved him

Blush Hmm

a new friend of mine who was/is bonkers a Dog Person to her bones managed to hide her horror at what I'd done, then helped me train him

we turned into much better friends in the end, and my dog is ADORABLE

go and help her OP, for she is a twat like what I was, and her and her dog are going to need all the help they can get

(bet you love it as soon as you see it)

MadamDeathstare · 08/03/2016 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfGrammaticus · 08/03/2016 13:47

It's a pooshit, surely, soupy??

Scone1nSixtySeconds · 08/03/2016 13:51

yanbu Midnite, what the hell was she thinking?

And actually it must be pretty embarrassing for you - no doubt some of your contacts will ask after your friend "oh, did you manage to find a suitable dog?" etc etc - and then you either have to lie so you don't feel foolish at having been taken in or tell the truth which may well make them judgy at your quality of friends.

diddl · 08/03/2016 13:52

"It isn't controlling to decide that a friend has a completely different set of values and ethics and that the friendship cannot work as a result."

Absolutely.

Op probably will get roped in to helping with training for the sake of the dog!

tomatodizzy · 08/03/2016 13:52

Maybe you have to be a real dog person to get it. The puppy now has a good home so surely you take the rough with the smooth. You cannot make every dog/human pair up an ideal, ticks all the boxes and keeps the dog lovers from going red and cross.

It sounds like you did a lot of work because you wanted to be in there and doing it. She asked you to try and help, she didn't ask you to do it for her. I assume she wasn't sitting at home doing nothing while you rushed all over the place doing all the legwork. If she was then you have good reason to get annoyed, but then I have to ask why you would have such a needy wet blanket for a friend in the first place.

If someone asks me to try and help them with something but is also going about trying to help themselves and solves their own problem in the end so they don't need what I provide, then so be it. No need to end the friendship, you are an adult, you did all the work that you did because I suspect you consider yourself somewhat an expert on dogs, you like to take charge of things and because you wanted to.

lottielou7 · 08/03/2016 13:53

YABU - you sound very controlling op. You may not agree with her but I'm sure she didn't think she was doing anything wrong.

hmcAsWas · 08/03/2016 13:54

If this is a deal breaker for you (and I can understand why you are angry) and you don't think you can get past it - then yes, end the friendship. Do tell her very directly and clearly however why you have made this decision

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/03/2016 13:58

YANBU, not really. She has taken advantage of your knowledge and used you, and then pretty much thrown it back in your face by going her own route and buying from a BYB, which is never a good plan anyway, and even worse from the "bargain" she has made with the "breeder".

I totally see that you don't want to get involved, because you will resent any time you spend on giving her advice on the pup's training, health, seeing the vet etc. - especially given that, on form alone, she's likely to then just ignore all your advice and info anyway!

Yes, let her go.

ToastDemon · 08/03/2016 14:00

I totally get why you're this angry. Another thoughtless shit-for-brains keeping the backyard breeding trade thriving, and without even the nous to check on the appropriate age for taking a new pup.
As for the agreement to let her very young bitch be used as a further puppy factory in twelve months time.... yuck.

TooOldForGlitter · 08/03/2016 14:01

Very nice said Gabilan

KoalaDownUnder · 08/03/2016 14:06

I don't think you sound 'controlling' at all. Wtf is 'controlling' about being disgusted at someone perpetuating cruel backyard breeding?

I probably would be too pissed off to actively pursue the friendship, at least for a while. Whether it resumed would depend on how close we were otherwise.

tomatodizzy · 08/03/2016 14:10

As for the agreement to let her very young bitch be used as a further puppy factory in twelve months time.... yuck.

I missed that bit Confused Hmm.....I wouldn't end a friendship for that but I would have to say something to a friend that was that stupid. Also I gather you are very much a dog lover, I cannot see a good friendship working in those circumstances.

noddingoff · 08/03/2016 14:14

What arfarf said. For me this would be about on a par with having a friend who showed me a nice new cosmetics and explaining with a cheeky smile that she'd shoplifted them. I'd distance myself from that person. I know that buying a 6wo designer mongrel pup from a BYB and intending to breed (to its own father?) at a year old is not actually illegal, but it does more harm to sentient beings than shoplifting. It's not as if the friend didn't know the issues. Anyone who spends about 5 minutes researching on the internet can find out what to look for and what to avoid when getting a pup.
It's also stupid and disrespectful of the OP's time to pay lip service to the "reputable breeder" idea then just get bowled over by the first soft focus picture of a litter of Cavapoochichons lying on a pink fluffy blanket you see on a Gumtree ad. Then hand over the cash to fund such shitty breeding practices. Then burst into tears because you can't afford to treat its painful luxating patellas and dry eye.
Before you dump her OP, do the pup a favour and ring the local out of hours vet clinic and ask how much an emergency Caesarian section costs. Relay this info to your friend and explain that vets don't do "payment plans" or agree to "I'll pay you when I sell the pups" (in any case, they may all be born dead) and that euthanasia is considered a viable treatment option for the unfortunate bitches belonging to idiots without the wherewithal to pay a vet and nurse to operate on them and tend the pups all night. Mention of a cold hard cash figure - £1500-2000 where I live, and it's a cheap area of the country - quite often brings people to their senses and gets them to abandon their notion of breeding.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 08/03/2016 14:23

Midnite, had you had a conversation with her about back yard breeders/getting a dog from a reputable source? If so YANBU to not want anything to do with her again. I certainly couldn't be friends with someone who knew about BYBing/puppy farming yet still went ahead and bought a dog (especially an underage pup) from god knows where. It's people like her that perpetuate this miseable industry. They make me sick.

DotForShort · 08/03/2016 16:06

I think I would be annoyed at the wasted time and effort, but I can't imagine ending a friendship over it. Did she know how much work you were planning to do? Or was it a more casual "if you happen to know of an available dog" sort of thing?

I do think she is 100% wrong to take a six-week-old puppy home, but otherwise it just sounds as though she changed her mind. Personally, I would only go the rescue/shelter route to acquire a new dog. That is the only choice as far as I'm concerned. But it isn't up to me to decide that my friends must do the same.