To end a friendship over a puppy?

[MidniteScribbler]

A friend has been considering purchasing a new dog for the last couple of months after the death of her old dog. She wanted a small breed - a poodle or bichon was what she asked for. Didn't want a puppy, anything over 2 years to 5 years was her request. She asked me to try and help her and find a suitable dog as she wanted an older dog, but also wanted to get a dog from a reputable breeder. I did a lot of legwork for her amongst registered breeders and used my contacts to find a pedigree Bichon who was well trained, 2 years old and has a whole lot of health testing already completed.

I then get a message from her that she has purchased a poodle X shih tzu puppy, 6 weeks of age, from 'someone who has never had puppies before, but she loves her dogs, so she must be a good breeder'.

I'm furious. Absolutely ropeable. I've not only wasted my time and used my contacts on her request, but she has gone and bought a dog that is under the appropriate age for placing from someone who knows nothing about breeding,

I'm so angry, and not interested in continuing the friendship. I don't want to listen to the inevitable questions about dog training, and the agreement she has with the 'breeder' to let this dog have puppies when she is twelve months old. I just can't seem to make myself have a civilised conversation with her anymore.

AIBU to just let this friendship end? All she wants to talk about is her new puppy, and I just can't stand hearing about it.

I'm assuming you were going to the dog shows anyway so the reality is you asked a few questions while you were there- not a massive hardship.

I agree I wouldn't be assisting with training etc but to end a friendship over it is a little OTT.

I think the issue here is that she's wasted your time and energy. I'm assuming she had asked you to look for her and, as a result, you went to great efforts to secure a suitable dog. In the process, you've made agreements with people you know that now have to be broken, which makes you look unreliable. In addition, there are all the usual ethical issues that surround bad breeders to consider.

I understand how you feel. A friend of my DH promised to buy a painting from a friend of mine, who is an artist. I introduced the pair of them at an exhibition of hers. He asked for an element of the picture to be changed, which meant that she had to repaint some of it in a way that personalised it to him. And then he never paid her or picked it up. I was so embarrassed because my friend had done all this work thinking she was getting a sale. He bought records with the money instead.

Some people are just unreliable and inconsiderate of others. Chalk this one up to experience, and don't do anything that involves a commitment with your friend in future.

Did she know you were going to spend so much time on it?

Were you at the dog shows already, or going to them specifically to do her research for her?

I was going to those shows, but I don't usually go to the area where the breeds she was interested in are sitting. I'm in a completely different group of dogs that are in a different ring to hers. Some of the times I made contact I used some of the contacts I already had to introduce me to breeders of the breeds she wanted, and other times I was the person running the show and I made contact with the particular breeders then on her behalf.

I'd walk. I just don't think I could find anything nice to say to someone who made a decision like that while in possession of the facts as to why it's such a bad idea.

I really shouldn't be shocked by the 'it's only a dog' attitude of some posters here, but knowing how much hatred is exhibited towards animals on Mumsnet sometimes, it shouldn't surprise me.

I completely understand why you're so upset OP, but if you break off your friendship with her, you're leaving the dog vulnerable in the care of an ignorant owner. Would it not be better to print off some short information about the ideal age for a pup to leave their mum. I would also advise her to have her pup neutered. Ask her why she would put a dog that she would grow to love, through the risk of having puppies to then have those pups taken from her. Has she thought about how distressing that will be for her pup. If I was her I'd take the pup to protect it from the arsehole that owns it, give lip service to the breeding bull shit, then neutered it when it's old enough.

Just to make sure - did she expect you to invest so much time and effort into finding a dog for her or was it just a "maybe if you've heard of a dog, give me shout" thing?
The difference is sometimes in a perception. One person believes they are expected to completely immerse themselves into helping their friend, the other side just sees it as an informal question.

Did she know you were going to spend so much time on it?

Yes, we had discussed what she wanted in a dog, and she asked me to speak to the breeders on her behalf in order to make contact for a dog for her as she knew my involvement in the dog world.

YANBU - and for FWIW not "hard work?either

I understand where you are coming from, there are so many dickhead backyard breeders out there that are making ££'s put of people like your friend. Despite all the warnings we responsible dog owners do to promote the health checks etc from reputable breeders and put time in wasting time helping people who come to us for advice. I'm heavily involved in a dog sport and get complimented on my dogs a lot for their behaviour and temperament. I have been asked to breed them as well (I have entire dogs) but won't as they aren't the best examples of their breeds (working dogs), one person was adamant they wanted a dog of the same breeding as my eldest dog.
I too spent weekends and time sourcing a litter from a reputable breeder and person didn't want to wait another 2 weeks for a pup, so brought one off a litter advertised on facefuckingbay of all places. Riddled with worms and of course couldn't see the father and the mother was in another room as she ' isn't good with strangers' (for this breed alone that is a HUGE red flag) - pup has had no end of health problems and breeder won't take it back.

Makes me livid

Maybe she wasn't completely aware of the effort you've put in. Or maybe she felt too much pressure from you to do what you wanted. YABU

I think the old Mumsnet adage, 'never give more than you can afford to lose' applies here.

Did you keep her updated on your progress and she know about the dog you'd found? Did she realise how many favours you were pulling on her behalf? Did she actually commission you to find her a dog or was it more a 'if you see any that might do for me, let me know' type situation?

I do sympathise but I expect she didn't fully realise how much effort you'd put in - she does sound fairly clueless.

Hmm...it's a yeah but no but yeah but no one isn't it?
I can appreciate that having your time and effort amount to nothing is frustrating, but at the end of the day it was her decision to make...your level of involvement was yours.
I don't think it's worth ending a friendship over, no. Just that you'll know not to go above and beyond again.

If her friendship was valuable enough for you to go to all the effort then why would you just throw it away. Tell her how you feel by all means but I think you would be petty to lose a friend over their choice of dog.

On the other hand she isn't that much of a friend then learn from your mistakes and don't over invest again.

What sort of a friendship was this, prior to her wanting a dog?

Yeah...'never gove more than you can afford to lose'...exactly right.

Yabu

I think you are overinvolved. She is not breaking the law.

You got over-involved, time to back off a bit, that's all.

End the friendship. I understand everything you have said in your post and I couldn't carry on being friends with someone who showed some blatant disregard for animal welfare.

Their should have been an if in my last sentence.

FFS and that should say there.

Did she actually commission you to find her a dog or was it more a 'if you see any that might do for me, let me know' type situation?

She asked me to find the dog for her.

So are you pissed off because she didnt get the dog you choose? Or because she was irresponsible with choosing her own dog and ended up with a xpuppy who was to young to leave it's mother?

If it's the latter I can see why your upset but I don't think it's worth losing a friendship over.

It doesn't reflect badly on you at all...people are allowed to change their mind ffs. You are making this about your ego, but she can choose whatever dog she likes!
Seriously if a breeder held something as trivial as this against you then that breeder is a person with poor social skills and that would be their problem.

Putting in a request to be contacted about suitable dogs is just that...it's request. No contract was drawn up and no one signed anything. You are making too much of this imo.

It's a dog.
Is it worth sacrificing a friendship over this, simply because your friend didn't follow your advice?
but I think I know the answer.
A colleague broke off a fifty year friendship because her friend, also a dog owner, criticized her for expecting to take dogs on the beach all year round.