To feel so betrayed and think this is not okay? - Trigger Warning

[DelphiBlue]

I'm posting in AIBU because I know I'll get honest replies here, but I'm really upset so please try to be relatively gentle.

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a friend, I'll call her H. H and I's relationship was pretty unhealthy and she was quite manipulative and mean but I cared for her and helped her out a lot through difficult times. She obviously met my parents a few times and in fact stayed with us for a week once when she was kicked out of her home. We have not spoken in about 7 years when I finally had enough and cut her off. The reasons for this are pretty extensive but I hope you will trust that they were all valid!

This week my mum called and said she had had a Facebook message from H and they had been chatting a bit and are going to meet up for a 'proper catch up'. She didn't ask if I minded, just told me. H wasn't particularly close with my mum when we were friends so it's quite confusing to me.

I had a long conversation with my mum and divulged to her the biggest reason why I don't want H anywhere near my life. When we were younger and had been out partying I got VERY drunk. H and a few of her friends were going back to hers, so she helped me into a cab, had to practically carry me upstairs, undressed me and put me into bed. I vaguely remember getting into bed but nothing of the journey home. When I was in bed in a complete slumber, one of H's male friends came into the room. I heard H say 'you can shag her but you better use a condom'. He came in and had sex with me and when I woke up next to him in the morning I felt like I wanted to die. I was so ashamed that I got dressed and left really early. Later that day H texted me laughing saying she'd recorded a video of me and this guy having sex on her phone. It was apparently a joke, but I obviously didn't find it very funny.

At the time I totally and completely blamed myself and felt really ashamed of what I'd done. But the past few years I've started to feel like actually what they both did was really not Ok. I can't imagine doing that to any of my girl friends drunk or sober.

My mum has told me I'm overreacting a bit and thinking too much into it. She said stuff like that happens when you're young and you go out drinking. That I shouldn't be het up over a one night stand and I can't blame H for that.

I've been crying all morning and a big part of me is beginning to doubt myself. Am I overreacting?

My god that was awful, never mind H, cut your mum loose too!

"On the night in question H had sex with one of her friends boyfriends (said friend was working at that time) and I kind of assume that she wanted to make me feel so awful so I didn't speak of that night to her friend. I know that sounds twisted but that really is what she was like."
Sadly, I agree. She wanted a particular outcome and she threw you under the bus to get it .

"My brother has rung wondering why I've upset my mum. She always manages to make everything about how she feels. My DP has actually suggested that it may be time to go NC with her. On the surface I always thought we had a good relationship but stuff like this brings out all my bad feelings about her."
Does your mum often set your brother on you to do her work ? Because it's just like H's manipulation - she wants a particular outcome (to have you not make waves) and she's throwing you under the bus (of your brother's disapproval/curiosity) to get it.

I agree with your DP. Your mother is happy to hurt you if it suits her to do so, you don't need people like that in your life.

What she did was wrong.

Your mum may be trying to lessen your embarrassment or be trying to make you not feel so bad by minimizing it. It must be really hard to know the right thing to say.

However - you are right. You are crying because you have dignity and self respect and know that it was wrong. Tell your mum it was not Ok then and is not OK now and it still hurts a great deal. If she still wishes to meet with H she should not discuss you at all.

I'm really shocked by this. 'H' was no friend to you, she prepared and offered you up to a rapist and even recorded the whole sick event. There's no way that both 'H' and the rapists actions were anything other than illegal and for your mother to categorise this as teenage high spirits is frankly baffling and I'm sure deeply upsetting for you.

Given your shared history of stranger rape, you'd think she would be more aware and definitely much more understanding of your feelings.

I think your DB may be right, it may be time to consider limiting contact with your mother. In any event she needs to be educated about what happened to you and rethink her views on 'H'.

Wishing you peace and happiness - so glad you have a supportive partner and lovely DC.

Did H know that you had been raped before? (Sorry again to ask such questions but this does make it even worse, if she did?)

Did you tell your bother why your mum was upset?

So very sorry to read about what happened to you, you're absolutely right, H is and was no friend to you at all!!

I am a few years younger than Draylon but recognise what she says as being the case. Your mum though - she hasn't moved on from that era at all, she still thinks the same way, despite the world moving on in large leaps (and still yet not far enough) - but your last post suggests that actually she's not that fussed about you anyway. Superficially, maybe she appears to consider you, but on the Big Stuff, no. SHE comes first.

So if she were to accept that you had been raped, it wasn't a drunken one night stand gone wrong, then it would probably become her drama, her trauma - and you would be sidelined as a cause of her pain, rather than the main central victim. Does that sound about right? If it does, then your DH is right, NC is the way forward.

(((hugs))) for you - what an awful thing to have happened.

Suggest your mum doesn't drink over lunch with H, and ask her if she would be happy to be raped by one of Hs friends after their meal out together, drunk or sober, as long as he wore a condom? Ask her if she would object to H laughed at the film footage afterwards. Ask her what the cut off age is for this to have been rape rather than the sort of thing that you do when your young?

Is your mum clear on the fact that it was rape encouraged by your friend rather than a one night stand?

It goes without saying that you are not over reacting - I am really sorry this happened to you, especially as I imagine she was quite a difficult friend and you had to cope quite a bit during your friendship. I hope that this is a situation where you mum has misunderstood the situation / detail rather than condones it. Email her a link to the comments on this page.

My mum reacts the same to some things that happened to us as kids/ young adults, I don't honestly know why, but it is shit.

ThumbWitch that is absolutely spot on. Even the incident that I went through (that she at least accepts was rape) is about her. Any time it is brought up (very rarely - after a few drinks) it is all about how difficult it was for her.

H knew I had been raped before. She was really bizarre about rape in general. We went to school together and she did her main 'creative writing' task for her GCSE about rape. She told me she'd been sexually abused by someone and it turned out to be a lie. She always seemed to be in 'competition' with me about who'd been sexually assaulted/who'd had it worse? When in reality it had never happened to her??

I can't tell you how comforting it feels to be able to talk about this. Of course I've spoken to DP about it but avoid going into too much detail as I know he finds it really difficult to hear.

Good Lord, H has problems.

What a toxic friend, though I think she needs help.

Is there ANY chance that she set you up? How much of the evening has she filled in for you? What do you actually remember?

Did the rapist show any remorse and have you had any contact since?

Can I add a little apology Delphiblue for my post? I messaged from your first post before the additional information about the rape your mother, and yourself had experienced - you are still completely right in the way you feel but I would have phrased my comment Differently had I realised. Sorry if I was insensitive.

IWantToLiveInPawnee when I woke up that morning I knew we'd had sex. I very vaguely remember it happening and someone walking in and saying my name but that's it.

I haven't spoken to or seen him since. He didn't show any remorse - I don't think he thought he'd done anything wrong because when I woke up he tried to get me to cuddle with him.

April please don't worry at all I should have mentioned it in my OP

I remember as a teen, that some boys expected you to 'put out', especially when inebriated. I guess this felt kind of normal and some would say both parties were at fault.

THIS IS SO WRONG. It makes my blood boil.

He obviously thought you'd be ok with it, despite the fact you were paralytic and non-consensual. H told him he could do what he did, how on earth is that consensual or even an option for him?

There is no grey area in this. The facts are there. They are both guilty and H is definitely one troubled person. Your mum needs to see this.

I think you need to have a face to face with your mum before you go NC, especially if you have a 'usually' good relationship. She needs it spelled out to her.

What would you actually like to happen? Do you want to confront H? Or would that make it worse?

Only you can decide. You must do what you are comfortable with.

I'm sure your DP finds it hard to hear but he might just have to be really brave, you need the support.

I just hope you can deal with this and move on.

I'm so glad you're getting comfort on here. I'll say it again, although we are faceless strangers, you have a huge number of us here on YOUR SIDE.

Your mother is not fit to bear the title.

I honestly think there is a special place in hell for people like "H". Another Woman to do that my God.
OP please heal. I just want to hug you.

This is awful OP, not normal at all. Your friend is a cunt. Your mum shouldn't be meeting with her, where's the loyalty?

Thank you again for all your kind responses, I hadn't imagined they'd be so helpful. I really am grateful

DP took a detour home from work to go to my favourite bakery to get me my favourite macarons and I am drinking wine and ignoring my phone tonight.

I'm so sorry to hear this. ITs for a similar reason I am NC, and that works better for me than having to deal with my family.
Its never too late to contact Rape Crisis.

Good on you. Enjoy the treats and have a well earned relaxing evening.

Keep posting as long as you need us.

The whole story is horrific and shocking. I'd seriously consider going NC with your mother. It sounds like she does not have the capacity or will to genuinely care for you and treat you in a loving way. Do you get anything positive from your relationship with her? So sorry you are going through this.

Another you have nothing to feel bad about, voice. Your dm sounds awful. It may be because it's easier to her to emotionally gloss over everything but any decent mother is there to support their child no matter what it costs them emotionally.

I really hope she doesn't meet up with h. Then at least you might have a chance to salvage your relationship.

"Mother, I think it's best that we don't speak for a while as you are clearly making this about you when in fact, I was the one that was raped. You are the one causing the problems now by bringing H back into our lives. I refuse to revisit that toxic part of my life, and as such I will delete your messages upon being received, until you grow up and apologise, if ever."

I am so sorry this happened to you. H is a disgusting human being and you sound like you are in a better place now, and have an amazing DP who will help and support you.

H and your mum can go do one.